Girlfriend suffering from PTSD maybe?

Well... I don't really know where to start. I've been with my girlfriend now since March. I love her. She's the first woman I've been with that I can see her in my future. Every plan I make, she's there. I would do anything in the world for her, which is why I'm really struggling with this.

Basically, my girlfriend was in a severely abusive relationship with a guy from the time she was about 15 til she got with me, she's almost 21 now. He would beat her almost every day, he raped her, he burnt her with cigarettes, broke her nose multiple times, and broke a few of her ribs. She has multiple cigarette burn scars on her back from where her ex and one of his friends held her down and burned her with their cigarettes. The guy was a nutjob, but she was young, and didn't know what to do. Not only was he physically abusive, he was even worse mentally. He basically treated her like she wasn't even human. Her family also did nothing to stop him from hurting her.

I've had a few encounters with the guy myself. One time, he showed up here drunk, trying to break into her house, threatening to kill her. I got him away from the door while she called the cops. She does have a restraining order against him, but that never seems to stop him. His family also has a strong presence in law enforcement in our town, so they usually do nothing but tell him to leave.

He calls her constantly. She's had her number changed 3 or 4 times since we've been dating, somehow he always finds it. He's stolen mail out of her mailbox, sent her letters, e-mails, texts, he's always trying to get back into her life and scare her.

I know my girlfriend doesn't love him. I know I have nothing to worry about as far as them getting back together. What I do worry about, is her. She is terrified. She spends a lot of time at my house now (which is fine) because she's scared to stay at her house alone. She panics when we go shopping. We have to circle the parking lot to make sure his truck isn't there.

Last night, we were having sex and the burglar alarm went off. I grabbed my gun and went to see what was up. Nothing had happened, only she had hit the wall a little too hard during sex and caused the alarm to go off. I talked to the alarm company on the phone, gave them the information, and went to go talk to her. I couldn't find her. I found her because I could hear her crying. She was curled up in the shower, shaking and crying. She wouldn't talk to me for about an hour, just sat there rocking back and forth, crying. She was scared he had broken in, and that's how she reacted to it.

About a week ago, we got into an argument. I don't really remember what it was about, but I got loud with her and that shut her down. I mean, seriously shut her down. I watched her shut down. She went from the amazing beautiful woman I love with opinions, to a five year old child. She just sat there staring at the ground, crying but not making any noise. I dropped it, whatever we were arguing about wasn't worth making her feel this way. This also isn't how she reacts to every argument we have, it's not a guilt thing or something to let her win arguments. If there's a problem, we talk about it, I've just realized that if I raise my voice or sound angry, it shuts her down. It's like she's waiting on me to hit her or something.

She's also very... skittish? Loud noises scare her, people yelling scares her, even the sound of a kid crying will cause her to shut down.

She also has a HUGE problem talking to me when things are wrong. She'll let herself get to a breaking point where she just ends up crying instead of talking to me the first time something is "off." I know it's because everytime she had a problem with her ex, it didn't matter, and he hit her.

I'm not mad at her. I don't blame her. She can't help she feels this way. It's not her fault he did this to her. She realizes she has some hang ups because of him. She goes to therapy, and has gotten a lot better at talking to me when she thinks something in our relationship needs to be addressed.

I've read some of the posts on here, and I'm not breaking up with her. I love her, and I'm fully capable of handling this. I don't let this reflect on our relationship. My question is... is this a type of PTSD? I asked her about it, and she said it had never came up in therapy. I hadn't even thought of it until her brother mentioned it to me. He saw first hand what her ex was doing to her, and was pretty much the only person who helped her out of the relationship.

Is there anything I can do to help her? I really love her, breaking up is not an option. This isn't affecting me in any way except that I'm worried about her. I can deal with a crazy ex for the rest of my life, even though I hope I don't have to. I also know there isn't just a quick fix for it to let her know I'm not going to hurt her. It's not just me she's like this with. Over Christmas, her cousin was jokingly trying to hit her with a cigarette, she freaked out and her attitude changed immediately. She got over it, and he apologized, but it still really scared her.

So what do I do? Is there anything more I can do for her?

I went through this myself. Yes, this is PTSD. Your girlfriend needs counseling badly and CBT will help. Encourage her to go.

Also, she needs to empower herself.

Get this book for her "Stopping A Stalker". I can't remember the author but I highly recommend it. It will help you both with strategies for dealing with this guy and taking back her life.

She has a restraining order correct? She has to start enforcing it. EVERY single face to face contact with this guy warrants a 911 call. Nothing else will do. This puts his contact on official record. Emails, save them, texts, save them, phone calls hang up and dial *57 to trace them. Get a copy of the call record from cell companies. ALL of these are official records that she CAN use to not just get this guy locked up, but also to get his "law enforcement" buddies/family doing their jobs.

Call and report the mail theft to the Postmaster General. Stealing or tampering with mail is a federal crime.

Call the State Police and report the locals for not doing their job and arresting this guy.

Call the State Bureau of Investigation (SBI) and report the local law enforcement also.

Call the FBI and report this guy and the local law enforcement. Threats, stalking, etc., accross state lines, email or the telephone is a Federal crime.

ALL of these things she can do and this is why she needs official records of contact. She will get "nothing we can do, it's not our jurisdiction" but that's fine. A phone call followed up with a visit in person to the local offices with proof will get a ball rollling.

Make copies of the restraining order and put one everywhere. Work, cars, purse, school, etc. She should always have one on hand.

If she starts screaming and kicking cages, the locals will have to start arresting this guy, friend, family or not. If they don't, the resulting investigation won't be pretty.

Have her call victim's services also and see what help might be available but counseling, actively standing up, taking back her life and control will help her emmensely.

She jumped right from the situation with that guy to dating you? Sorry, but I don't see your relationship working out. She's going to need lots of professional help to recover from all of that before she has any business even attempting being a part of another relationship.

One more thing I forgot.

EVERY phone call, email, face to face contact from him is a violation of her restraining order. She should have already blocked his number, email, etc. if she hasn't she must do this.

If the police won't arrest the guy for violating the order, she needs to file charges herself. Call 911 and if the cops just tell the guy to leave, she needs to get a copy of the incident report, go see the magistrate and charge him herself. Same with phone calls, etc.

I wish you luck with this but if I were you, I would keep my emotions in check. This girl isn't in any kind of shape to be in a relationship with anyone until she gets some professional mental health help.

We don't know for a fact that he stole the mail. We just know that her bill for her cell phone never came, and then he had her number. She already keeps all of the e-mails, texts, everything that he sends. Aside from him showing up here last time which was about two months ago, he hasn't done that again or texted her. He's just used other peoples cell phones to get a hold of her, or would buy I'm assuming, pay-as-you-go phones and call her. She had her number changed again, went to paperless billing, and it hasn't happened in about a month.

Was the book you suggested written by a cop? Just googled it, and that was the first thing that came up.

This is exactly why I was hesitant on posting here. I do not need to know if my relationship will last or not. I'm actually really surprised and proud of her for how well she does handle things considering. And no, it wasn't an immediate jump. We had been talking for a while, but she didn't want to do just that and jump into a relationship with me. She waited until she got a restraining order, got him out of her life as much as she could, before making an attempt to get with me. She officially ended it with him in October of 2011, and we got together in March of this year.

This is exactly why I was hesitant on posting here. I do not need to know if my relationship will last or not. I'm actually really surprised and proud of her for how well she does handle things considering. And no, it wasn't an immediate jump. We had been talking for a while, but she didn't want to do just that and jump into a relationship with me. She waited until she got a restraining order, got him out of her life as much as she could, before making an attempt to get with me. She officially ended it with him in October of 2011, and we got together in March of this year.

So then your plan is for her to just fend this guy off without her getting professional help and trying to maintain a relationship with you? If you want to be proud of her, urge her to go get the help she needs - that's something to be proud of. All she has ever known about relationships has included abuse. You don't just unlearn all that by yourself.

Protecting yourselves from that guy is really a completely separate issue.

So then your plan is for her to just fend this guy off without her getting professional help and trying to maintain a relationship with you? If you want to be proud of her, urge her to go get the help she needs - that's something to be proud of. All she has ever known about relationships has included abuse. You don't just unlearn all that by yourself.

 

Protecting yourselves from that guy is really a completely separate issue.

Guy stated in his post that his girlfriend is getting therapy...

Guy stated in his post that his girlfriend is getting therapy...

That's great, but he's also expecting her to be his girlfriend while she's doing it.

That's great, but he's also expecting her to be his girlfriend while she's doing it.

"Expecting"?

No where in his post did he mention that they were thinking of breaking up or that it was making the relationship hard.

I'm saying this because this post is eerily similar to what I'm going through with my boyfriend. He's supportive, caring, and talks to me about anything I might be feeling. We love each other, that's why I'm his girlfriend.

No where in that guys post does it say that he's FORCING her to date him...

"Expecting"?

 

No where in his post did he mention that they were thinking of breaking up or that it was making the relationship hard.

 

I'm saying this because this post is eerily similar to what I'm going through with my boyfriend. He's supportive, caring, and talks to me about anything I might be feeling. We love each other, that's why I'm his girlfriend.

 

No where in that guys post does it say that he's FORCING her to date him...

Right, he's not forcing her. She's made another very bad choice to try to be in a relationship with OP and he's participating by allowing it. If he cared about her, he would do what's best for her, which is to let her rebuild her life first as a single person before complicating her life by adding in a relationship. Sorry, she's just not ready to be a girlfriend to anyone and won't be for a while. I'm sure, like you, she disagrees, but then again, after what she's been through, that's exactly to be expected.

OP says she has a HUGE problem talking about anything that's wrong between them? She shuts down and stares at the floor like a 5 year old not speaking for an hour? That doesn't sound like a 'hard' relationship to you? That's not even a functional relationship. Disagreements are par for the course in any relationship and a couple has to be able to discuss them - those skills are pre-requisites for any relationship to work.

I'm honestly just starting to wonder how many relationships end because someone on a forum told them this.

I would not be where I am now if I didn't have my boyfriend. And I certainly wouldn't like someone calling my decision to date him a "bad choice."

If they ended things in October, and she got together with the OP in March... that's 6 months.

Basically, we only know this girl based on what he's provided, and I don't think telling him that she shouldn't be with him is really the best thing for them. No one can say but those two whether or not she's ready for a relationship. If he's loving and supportive of her, treats her the way she ought to be treated, then why is it a bad choice on their parts for being together? You can't help who, or when you fall in love. The point is there together now, and love each other. They shouldn't be told to end a relationship because the timing isn't right. I was fully aware of the abuse and trauma I had been through when I got with my boyfriend, so was he. We made the decision to be together because we wanted to be, and that meant working through some issues I had.

OP, be there for your girlfriend when she needs you. I feel like in your post you were asking what you could do emotionally more than what you could do to keep this guy away, and honestly, the best thing that helped me was that constant support and safety net of my boyfriend. He's there for me no matter what, and shows me everyday that he loves me and that love isn't violent.

OP says she has a HUGE problem talking about anything that's wrong between them? She shuts down and stares at the floor like a 5 year old not speaking for an hour? That doesn't sound like a 'hard' relationship to you? That's not even a functional relationship. Disagreements are par for the course in any relationship and a couple has to be able to discuss them - those skills are pre-requisites for any relationship to work.

I was exactly the same way with my boyfriend. He said they are able to discuss things, she just gets upset when he raises his voice. This STILL happens to me when I'm yelled at, by anyone, not just my boyfriend.

Yes, it's hard. But that doesn't mean he should throw away a relationship with her. It's obvious he cares for her, and by breaking it off with her it's just going to make her think she's the problem again. He also says she's gotten a lot better at talking to him about their problems. She's moving forward, it's just taking work, and he's willing to work with her.

I respectfully disagree. PTSD does affect a person for years (I think I started to do better at about the 7/8 year mark) and it would be unfair for her to stay on her own that long. She's in therapy and in a healthy relationship, and I think that will help her a lot.

OP, I also have PTSD but not to the extent that your gf has. I agree that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped, as well as Rapid Eye Movement therapy. Here's a link to that:

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I respectfully disagree. PTSD does affect a person for years (I think I started to do better at about the 7/8 year mark) and it would be unfair for her to stay on her own that long. She's in therapy and in a healthy relationship, and I think that will help her a lot.

 

OP, I also have PTSD but not to the extent that your gf has. I agree that Cognitive Behavioural Therapy helped, as well as Rapid Eye Movement therapy. Here's a link to that:

 

link removed

I'm not suggesting she say on her own for years, but definitely longer than the mere months that have passed. If she's not able to have a disagreement with a partner without shutting down, she's not ready. How could that possibly work? He just lets her have her way because she's too fragile to deal with a conflict?

I'm not suggesting she say on her own for years, but definitely longer than the mere months that have passed. If she's not able to have a disagreement with a partner without shutting down, she's not ready. How could that possibly work? He just lets her have her way because she's too fragile to deal with a conflict?

You're doing exactly what I said I didn't need help with. I'm not leaving my girlfriend, and you're picking and pulling things out of my post.

I do not "let her have her way" because she's fragile. She's actually a very strong woman, and while this is something she needs to work on, I didn't experience this abuse and I'm not going to tell her how she can and should react to something. She's been controlled for way too long, and I'll be the last person to do that.

We CAN talk about things, that was more aimed at how things were in the beginning. To this day, we haven't had a serious problem aside from one of us taking something the wrong way. She shut down because yeah, I did yell. It was immature on both of our parts. She didn't shut down and cry because of the argument, she shut down and cried because I YELLED at her. I shouldn't of done that.

And rask, yes, I was asking more on how to support her and be there for her rather than being told to end my relationship.

And rask, yes, I was asking more on how to support her and be there for her rather than being told to end my relationship.

My family is very aware of the PTSD and they always support me when I seek some kind of therapy to deal with it. My husband also has had to work on not walking away during an argument, because that is one of my triggers.

If you and your gf have any sort of disagreement, I think it would help if you were to honestly state what you're thinking, such as "I'd like to talk about XYZ but don't want to you think I am angry. I just want to come to an agreement, then have a nice supper."

Talking that way has really helped us, because (in my case) I over think things and also bring up worst-case scenarios in my head and get anxious, which brings on adrenaline, then tears.

I'm not suggesting she say on her own for years, but definitely longer than the mere months that have passed. If she's not able to have a disagreement with a partner without shutting down, she's not ready. How could that possibly work? He just lets her have her way because she's too fragile to deal with a conflict?

These type of responses are not helpful at all so I wonder why someone would feel the need to respond then..

My bf suffered and still does to some extend from ptsd, doesn't mean he couldn't have a relationship, in fact,a loving, sweet and caring SO can be really helpful and the op sounds really sweet and good for her and understanding and that helps a lot.

So keep on as you are doing op, you sound great!

I have never been officially diagnosed, but after my brother attacked me at New Years a few years back I believe I have been also suffering from PTSD. I can't handle arguments in which voices get raised. I shut down, shake, cry, etc. My husband has had to work on not slamming doors/raising his voice when we argue because it sets me off.

OP, I am not going to say end your relationship. I will say that patience is essential and that she is not going to get better overnight. Continue to do what you are doing - be there for her when possible and do whatever you can to ensure that this guy does not reappear in her life. Continue to do all you can to make sure she feels safe and cared for. I think you will be OK

We don't know for a fact that he stole the mail. We just know that her bill for her cell phone never came, and then he had her number.

Consider a change of address to a PO box for the time being.

Best of luck, and my heart goes out to you and GF.

I suffer from PTSD and I have been with my husband for 25 years. Having PTSD does not negate you from having a relationship. It just needs a kind loving and supportive partner. And there is also therapy as well. I am embarking on EM DR soon.

These type of responses are not helpful at all so I wonder why someone would feel the need to respond then..

My bf suffered and still does to some extend from ptsd, doesn't mean he couldn't have a relationship, in fact,a loving, sweet and caring SO can be really helpful and the op sounds really sweet and good for her and understanding and that helps a lot.

So keep on as you are doing op, you sound great!

There are more problems here than her having PTSD. She's never been a in healthy relationship. She has 6+ years of the opposite of a healthy relationship. That's it - to her, that is what relationships are. I feel the need to respond because OP thinks PTSD is the problem and it's just one of several and not even the most significant. There's no therapist on earth that is going to recommend you try to heal from this situation when there is a new guy in the picture. You can always be there for her as a friend for a while, but giving this girl the enormous challenge of being a functional partner in a healthy relationship for the first time in her life is going to divert energy and take focus away from doing what she should be doing. She cannot rely on anyone else as a crutch at this time - if she does, she's just going to become dependent on him for everything. It's not fair to him or even healthy either to need to capitulate to her when they argue because she's incapable of handling a conflict.

You cant apply that logic to everyone

I was in a relationship with someone emotionally and physically abusive. I still cry instantly if someone raises their voice to me out of fear and the bad memories associated.

I then got together with someone who lied constantly, then after that another toxic relationship. Then I dated around with a few more losers.

Then I met my fiancé. He Is loving, kind, thoughtful. He often says to me that he'd never guess any of my past because of how mature, well rounded I am. I learnt to be in a healthy and good relationship through being with someone who genuinely loves and cares for me and is a good person. We have a kid together and are getting married and I genuinely could NOT be happier in my life. Not just because of him but I am happy.

I'm glad he took a chance on someone who had been in crappy relationships and had some issues. Because were both happier than ever.

In the OP's situation being loving, patient and kind is all he can do and support her in her counselling and staying safe from her ex.

OP yes the book was written by a cop. That I do remember. I do highly recommend you get it for her. Even if this guy is not actively harrassing her right now, she is still terrified of him and that he will show back up. That is the thing that makes a true stalker so terrifying, the never knowing when and where they will show up again. The book will help her, because she will learn the motivations behind stalkers, the different types and danger levels and exactly what steps to take to get rid of them, minimize their impact and protect herself. Fact is, you can not be with her 24 hours a day.

The parking lot circling, panic when the alarm went off, these are all signs of PTSD and not a result of the abuse she suffered but from the terrorism of him stalking her. She lives with her head on a swivel and all senses on high alert. It is exhausting and very traumatizing. It's not a "one off incident" that caused her PTSD, it's a long term stressor and that is much more difficult to deal with. She is clearly terrified he will show back up again.

The way she shuts down, etc. results from her abuse. It's a survival mechanism she's developed over time and that will also not be easy for her to overcome but she can.

You are doing a very good job supporting her. It will not be easy but with patience you can do it.

If I can help you any, please feel free to send me a PM. As I said in my original post, I lived through this as well and my posts are based on my own experience. Nothing your girlfriend is doing right now is "out of normal" given the circumstances. Encourage her to take back her own life by refusing to live in terror. She must learn to start protecting herself and that she can in order to get better.