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How to break news of an unconventional relationship to the family...


superfan

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A friend of mine is involved in a relationship with a married couple. She and the male part of the couple - we'll call him "Joe" are involved romantically and his wife - we'll cal her "Jane" is aware and fine with it. She and "Jane" are good friends and both of them spend time together apart from "Joe" as well as with him. They all spend time together as well and function as a family unit.

 

This has been going on for a year and "Joe's" side of the family is aware of it and accepting of it. "Jane's" side of the family for the most part is OK with it. She has no living parents, and her extended family are accepting of it as well. "Joe" and "Jane" are wanting to have kids at some point and my friend wants to help take care of them and the relationship to go further.

 

My friend is wanting to tell her own family about it, but is nervous about doing so. Her parents are baby boomers who really only know the "conventional" family unit. They aren't strongly religious but come from a small town and have not really been exposed to different relationship styles. Her mother is mild mannered, and she is hopeful that she will be accepting. She is not sure about what her Dad will think and suspects that some members of the extended family (who are more religious) might be strongly opposed.

 

What would be the best way to break something like this to her immediate family? "Joe" and "Jane" have suggested having them watch a show like "sister wives" and gauging their reaction from that before proceeding further.

 

Thoughts???

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The thing is, this is still a pretty eccentric lifestyle in today's world with very few people engaging in polygamous relationships. I think a lot of families would worry that this is shortchanging their daughter because she doesn't have and never will have legal marital status and rights to this other woman's husband and that she is being used and played for being a second fiddle to this other woman and taking care of someone else's children. It may be HER choice, but it is not a common lifestyle at all. She will also have no legal right to those children either if the married couple decide some day they want her out or to triangulate another woman in and boot her out.

 

People have become fairly accepting of also kinds of sexual arrangements, but this kind of domestic arrangement is what her family will probably have trouble with. I don't think there is any easy way to break the news to your friend's family, and i suspect they will be quite upset. It is easier for Joe and Jane's family because they ARE married and have legal ties to each other, and can jettison your friend and/or replace her with someone else with no consequences whatsoever to their own union. But for your friend's family, they will see that your friend is in a precariously position legally and otherwise since she has no martial rights whatsoever to the man, his property, or their children.

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It's a very difficult thing to try to talk about. As lavenderdove pointed out, a good deal of marriage is based on things like "property rights."

 

A lot of well-meaning families do make a lot of noise about how "someone is bound to get hurt," but that's true of any relationship, especially marriage. I think that your friend will find that a lot of that is simply not accepting anything that might embarrass them in front of their neighbours and members of their church.

 

My advice to her is: Try to find a polyamorous community, either online or better still, in person. Avoid "polygamous" groups for now, as they tend to focus on things like marriage rights. (Many don't, but I haven't found any near me.) My sense is that you're looking for acceptance, and you're more likely to find it there than with your own family. If you really must tell your family, be prepared to cut them off if they can't accept you.

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There's no responsible good parent on earth that would think this is a good situation for their child, so thinking you can somehow spin it so her family will think it's not a bad idea will fail. I wouldn't even bother telling them as it's not going to last, so there's really no point in just torturing her family.

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There's no responsible good parent on earth that would think this is a good situation for their child, so thinking you can somehow spin it so her family will think it's not a bad idea will fail. I wouldn't even bother telling them as it's not going to last, so there's really no point in just torturing her family.

 

...sigh... there are a lot of healthy happy poly families that last as well as a lot of loving wonderful parents who support there children finding there own paths in life.

 

Anyway I'm poly and coming out to my mom was one of the scariest things I have ever done. She isn't religious any longer (she was a Catholic) and it did startle her but she loves me and loves my partners. My partners and I have been really lucky, my girlfriend's partners have been nothing but supportive. My mom asked that we wait to tell my father until he got to know my girlfriend more but my mom invites my girlfriend to all the family holidays including paying for her to fly to Hawaii. My boyfriend's Mom has been a bit more freaked out. She sends us bibles and worries about us but after three years of being out to her she at least addresses the Christmas cards to all three of us.

 

My other boyfriend has decided to not come out to his mom because he doesn't want to deal with her judgment around the issue. Coming out is a very personal thing. For me I felt like I had to because I didn't want to lie to my parents or ask my partners to pretend not to be in a relationship when they were around.

 

But there isn't a way that makes coming out easier. I would just tell you friend that if it is important be prepared to "prove it" by sticking together. Sometimes the only thing that makes a non-standard relationship make since is time. Even my boyfriend's mom has come around a little bit with time. The only other advice I would give her would be to be ready for some things that are going to hurt. Try to trust that if hurtful things are said they are out of love and shock. Be ready to be forgiving, be ready to listen and be ready to answer questions.

 

I tend to want all poly people to be out but sometimes with some families it's not the right choice... but your friend is awesome and brave to be thinking about sharing her life and love with her family. I hope they can see that when/if she tells them.

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Doesn't sound like you have children, which makes things entirely different and is what OP said they're considering doing. Having girlfriends and boyfriends is a walk in the park and all about you and what you want. Being a parent is brutally hard and all about sacrificing yourself and what you want. I've known many a poly in SF and have never ever seen a situation where they raised a kid from birth to 18.

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Doesn't sound like you have children, which makes things entirely different. Having girlfriends and boyfriends is a walk in the park and all about you and what you want. Being a parent is brutally hard and not at all about you. I've known many a poly in SF and never ever seen a situation where they raised a kid from birth to 18.

 

My boyfriend and his wife are about to have a kid. I know a lot of poly families that have kids. I honestly think the more loving adults you have in a child's life the better it is for the kid and the easier it is on the parents. Poly families are not inherently less stable then monogamous ones.

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There's no responsible good parent on earth that would think this is a good situation for their child, so thinking you can somehow spin it so her family will think it's not a bad idea will fail. I wouldn't even bother telling them as it's not going to last, so there's really no point in just torturing her family.

 

Completely agree with this - the OP's friend should do the compassionate thing and not tell them - there are people who only tell their parents about engagements, marriages, or long-term committed relationships which involve living together. If she is not doing any of those things then the fact that she is dating a married man need not be shared. I also agree that it says nothing negative about her parents if they would choose not to be calm or happy about this.

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My boyfriend and his wife are about to have a kid. I know a lot of poly families that have kids. I honestly think the more loving adults you have in a child's life the better it is for the kid and the easier it is on the parents. Poly families are not inherently less stable then monogamous ones.

 

A lot of people have kids. The minority actually play the role of a parent to them. It's not until they get to be teenagers that it becomes apparent who had parents and who didn't. If your boyfriend plans on actually being a present parent, he will barely have time for his wife and his job, let alone maintaining additional relationships with girlfriends.

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I think it's great to have many loving adults in a child's life. I think it's really important for the child to have a mother and a father or two parents of the same sex if at all possible and to avoid a situation where a non-parent is having sex with one or both of the parents to which the child is exposed. Sometimes it's not possible to give a child a two-parent household. In the OP's friend's situation it is possible. The OP's friend of course can be a loving adult in the child's life and not be having sex with the child's married parents.

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Friend knows her parents better than anyone here, and if she believes they'd be upset about it, what is the 'need' behind telling them who she's having sex with?

 

I dunno, no reflection on your friend, but it just seems that certain attention-seekers love chaos and spend their entire lives determined to inflict as much pain on their parents as possible before they die. Is it REALLY necessary?

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Friend knows her parents better than anyone here, and if she believes they'd be upset about it, what is the 'need' behind telling them who she's having sex with?

 

I dunno, no reflection on your friend, but it just seems that certain attention-seekers love chaos and spend their entire lives determined to inflict as much pain on their parents as possible before they die. Is it REALLY necessary?

 

I actually said that she isn't sure HOW they would react, not that they would necessarily have a heart attack on the spot. I know these people to, so I think that it's a valid concern.

 

She is definitely NOT trying to cause chaos or attention seeking. They have been together for a year, so the relationship is moving into a more serious phase and like any serious relationship they want to share it with their family. My friend's parents actually MET "Joe" and "Jane" and really seemed to like them. As for the children, they don't have kids yet, but my friend is not sure she ever wants kids of her own. This way she is able to help out "Joe" and "Jane" with the child (and they only want one). They are self employed, so they work from home a lot. They want to be a co-ordinated unit basically so in that sense, the relationship is serious enough to warrant telling family.

 

The idea that one shouldn't simply because "it isn't going to last" is more than presumptuous. Yes, they could "decide to boot her out"...or she could leave. But the same goes for relationships where only TWO people are involved. She doesn't want legal rights to their children.

 

Rosephase, thanks for the advice. I will pass it on.

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[...]They want to be a co-ordinated unit basically so in that sense, the relationship is serious enough to warrant telling family. [...]

 

Plenty of domestic arrangements are considered a coordinated unit for holiday and family gatherings, daily life, the whole works--often even including close neighbors and other relationships. I've seen that all my life, and most especially with 'old world' people who expand their families beyond comprehension and caravan around with glee. It's terrific.

 

So I guess I just don't understand why the need for intimate details of who has sex with whom, and why that is such an important message to convey to one's elderly parents. Does it really matter? Why can't a loving domestic arrangement just be respectfully described as however you'd want to describe it--why are the bedroom details what has to matter here?

 

That's what comes off as deliberate 'shock value' to me--and I promise I'm not being snide about that. I just don't see the necessity in shaking up old folks without a useful and logical reason for doing so.

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My friend is wanting to tell her own family about it, but is nervous about doing so. Her parents are baby boomers who really only know the "conventional" family unit. They aren't strongly religious but come from a small town and have not really been exposed to different relationship styles. Her mother is mild mannered, and she is hopeful that she will be accepting. She is not sure about what her Dad will think and suspects that some members of the extended family (who are more religious) might be strongly opposed.

 

Mild mannered or not, it will very likely be a bitter blow to her mother to find out that her daughter is sleeping with a married man and getting herself mixed up in someone else's relationship rather than having a relationship of her own. You don't have to be religious and uptight in order to feel very upset and disapproving of this kind of relationship. It doesn't matter that for now at least (it has only been a year) Jane is fine with this (of course Joe would be happy as a clam with a set up of having two women to choose from to have sexual variety). When a child enters the picture who knows what will happen. Perhaps Jane's maternal instincts will really kick in and she won't want her to be bonding with her child. She may be quite willing to share her husband but not her child. Also, the fun and frolic that is so exciting now may be less than exciting once there is a child in the mix which takes up more time. I think at this point it is premature to tell her parents about this lifestyle choice..who she is sleeping with is not their concern and I don't know of very many parents who would be thrilled that their daughter is mixed up in this kind of way with a married couple.

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It's wanting to share you life with your family and not be lying to them. My family would have excepted a "best friend who I live with" idea but it would be a lie and I don't like lying to my family. It sucks to have to watch your actions and words. It feel awful to be on guard around the people you love the most. Not to mention asking your partners to also lie to your parents.

 

Poly isn't about sex. It's about relationships and love. I'm not sharing "bedroom details" with my parents I'm sharing my life, my love and my commitments because that is part of being family to me.

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Thanks...that's probably the only helpful comment so far Appreciated.

 

And the subject of parenting in this arrangement wasn't even mentioned in that comment when it's by far the most important thing to consider. I'm all for adults doing whatever they want, but they're talking about having a kid who is going to be profoundly affected by a choice they didn't make. But as long as the parents get what they want, I suppose that's all that's important. Gotta look out for number one.

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Yes the relationship could end. That is all relationships. And more people wouldn't react in such a closed minded way to things they have no practical experience with if more people were out. As more people talk about it and see good healthy functioning poly relationships, people will be less likely to make negative assumptions based out of simple ignorance.

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Yes the relationship could end. That is all relationships. And more people wouldn't react in such a closed minded way to things they have no practical experience with if more people were out. As more people talk about it and see good healthy functioning poly relationships, people will be less likely to make negative assumptions based out of simple ignorance.

 

Definitely not ignorance -I'm a mom and a former nanny and a former teacher of young children with a degree in education and many years of experience including with my own young child. I have a strong basis for my opinion on what's in the best interests of a child. You seem to be approaching this more from the perspective of what's in the adult's best interest. Obviously any relationship can end -but some types of relationships have a far higher risk of ending or of being unstable than others which is fine if only adults are involved (well, not fine but not as big an issue if there are no children). It's also interesting that you claim other people must be "ignorant" because of their opinions rather than accepting that others have well-founded opinions whether or not you agree.

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She isn't in a serious romantic relationship in my opinion because people who are married can't date. She's having an affair with one or both of them so it's not clear why she needs to share those details. (and I know not everyone would consider it an affair -I'm looking at the legalities).

 

She probably cannot get legal rights to a child of that marriage so that's a moot point.

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Is your friend even living in a shared home with the two?

 

I don't get this honestly. It's a tangent, but I would get it if Jane and your friend were also canoodling. But in this situation, it's only Joe with a wife and your friend involved in an open affair.

 

What is the general idea ....that she would live there? That she would marry Joe? Or that she would simply free float - sleep with Joe, be buddies and share the domestic and child care load with Jane, and live somewhere else? No legal rights? No nothing?

 

I also do not understand why she'd want to tell her parents. At least, not right now? She's just sleeping with a married man, plain and simple. And of course they are going to be hurt by this. Who wants that for their child? No one. All ideas of marriage and child rearing aside - who wants their kid to be the "side dish"? All parents, for the most part, want the best for their kids, and I'd expect the parents to not be thrilled unless they are idiots (sorry). I'd expect they'd wonder "why does my kid think this is the best she can hope for?".

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It's also interesting that you claim other people must be "ignorant" because of their opinions rather than accepting that others have well-founded opinions whether or not you agree.

 

I strongly agree with this. Living where I do, I think I probably know more poly people than most, which to me makes me about as non-ignorant as a person could be on the subject without being poly myself. The fact that I think it's a poor choice for raising kids is based on knowing people who live the lifestyle and have for a long time, not ignorance. Being open minded doesn't mean agreeing with every choice out there. You consider them, then make up your own mind.

 

Offering opinions about an environment to raise a child without ever having raised a child I think fully qualifies as ignorance by any standard.

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Definitely not ignorance -I'm a mom and a former nanny and a former teacher of young children with a degree in education and many years of experience including with my own young child. I have a strong basis for my opinion on what's in the best interests of a child. You seem to be approaching this more from the perspective of what's in the adult's best interest. Obviously any relationship can end -but some types of relationships have a far higher risk of ending or of being unstable than others which is fine if only adults are involved (well, not fine but not as big an issue if there are no children). It's also interesting that you claim other people must be "ignorant" because of their opinions rather than accepting that others have well-founded opinions whether or not you agree.

 

You are ignorant in this because you have never seen a poly family. You can't assume to know that it will be unhealthy for children. Clearly you care a lot about kids and have a lot of experience with them but you have no understanding of poly and how it works, so that is why you are speaking from an ignorant place. That is okay, a lot of people don't know what poly is or how it looks or functions but personally not having the information and making a negative assumption based off of prejudice is ignorant.

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I strongly agree with this. Living where I do, I think I probably know more poly people than most, which to me makes me about as non-ignorant as a person could be on the subject without being poly myself. The fact that I think it's a poor choice for raising kids is based on knowing people who live the lifestyle and have for a long time, not ignorance. Being open minded doesn't mean agreeing with every choice out there. You consider them, then make up your own mind.

 

Offering opinions about an environment to raise a child without ever having raised a child I think fully qualifies as ignorance by any standard.

 

Alright, look we can go back and forth about "qualifications" but you guys don't know and haven't seen poly families with kids. You are assuming based on your personal feeling that poly is bad. I know a lot of really wonderful poly parents and a lot of wonderful kids who have been raised in poly homes. Good homes come in all shapes and sizes. And having 3 or 4 or 5 adults who identify as primary caregivers can be a very supportive very loving very attentive environment for a child, not to mention all the extra support and time the biological parents get and the deep bonds the non-bio parents get to enjoy.

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