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Thread: How to break news of an unconventional relationship to the family...

  1. #21
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    She isn't in a serious romantic relationship in my opinion because people who are married can't date. She's having an affair with one or both of them so it's not clear why she needs to share those details. (and I know not everyone would consider it an affair -I'm looking at the legalities).

    She probably cannot get legal rights to a child of that marriage so that's a moot point.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Is your friend even living in a shared home with the two?

    I don't get this honestly. It's a tangent, but I would get it if Jane and your friend were also canoodling. But in this situation, it's only Joe with a wife and your friend involved in an open affair.

    What is the general idea ....that she would live there? That she would marry Joe? Or that she would simply free float - sleep with Joe, be buddies and share the domestic and child care load with Jane, and live somewhere else? No legal rights? No nothing?

    I also do not understand why she'd want to tell her parents. At least, not right now? She's just sleeping with a married man, plain and simple. And of course they are going to be hurt by this. Who wants that for their child? No one. All ideas of marriage and child rearing aside - who wants their kid to be the "side dish"? All parents, for the most part, want the best for their kids, and I'd expect the parents to not be thrilled unless they are idiots (sorry). I'd expect they'd wonder "why does my kid think this is the best she can hope for?".

  3. #23

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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    It's also interesting that you claim other people must be "ignorant" because of their opinions rather than accepting that others have well-founded opinions whether or not you agree.
    I strongly agree with this. Living where I do, I think I probably know more poly people than most, which to me makes me about as non-ignorant as a person could be on the subject without being poly myself. The fact that I think it's a poor choice for raising kids is based on knowing people who live the lifestyle and have for a long time, not ignorance. Being open minded doesn't mean agreeing with every choice out there. You consider them, then make up your own mind.

    Offering opinions about an environment to raise a child without ever having raised a child I think fully qualifies as ignorance by any standard.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Batya33
    Definitely not ignorance -I'm a mom and a former nanny and a former teacher of young children with a degree in education and many years of experience including with my own young child. I have a strong basis for my opinion on what's in the best interests of a child. You seem to be approaching this more from the perspective of what's in the adult's best interest. Obviously any relationship can end -but some types of relationships have a far higher risk of ending or of being unstable than others which is fine if only adults are involved (well, not fine but not as big an issue if there are no children). It's also interesting that you claim other people must be "ignorant" because of their opinions rather than accepting that others have well-founded opinions whether or not you agree.
    You are ignorant in this because you have never seen a poly family. You can't assume to know that it will be unhealthy for children. Clearly you care a lot about kids and have a lot of experience with them but you have no understanding of poly and how it works, so that is why you are speaking from an ignorant place. That is okay, a lot of people don't know what poly is or how it looks or functions but personally not having the information and making a negative assumption based off of prejudice is ignorant.

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  6. #25
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pl3asehelp
    I strongly agree with this. Living where I do, I think I probably know more poly people than most, which to me makes me about as non-ignorant as a person could be on the subject without being poly myself. The fact that I think it's a poor choice for raising kids is based on knowing people who live the lifestyle and have for a long time, not ignorance. Being open minded doesn't mean agreeing with every choice out there. You consider them, then make up your own mind.

    Offering opinions about an environment to raise a child without ever having raised a child I think fully qualifies as ignorance by any standard.
    Alright, look we can go back and forth about "qualifications" but you guys don't know and haven't seen poly families with kids. You are assuming based on your personal feeling that poly is bad. I know a lot of really wonderful poly parents and a lot of wonderful kids who have been raised in poly homes. Good homes come in all shapes and sizes. And having 3 or 4 or 5 adults who identify as primary caregivers can be a very supportive very loving very attentive environment for a child, not to mention all the extra support and time the biological parents get and the deep bonds the non-bio parents get to enjoy.

  7. #26

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    Originally Posted by rosephase
    Alright, look we can go back and forth about "qualifications" but you guys don't know and haven't seen poly families with kids. You are assuming based on your personal feeling that poly is bad. I know a lot of really wonderful poly parents and a lot of wonderful kids who have been raised in poly homes. Good homes come in all shapes and sizes. And having 3 or 4 or 5 adults who identify as primary caregivers can be a very supportive very loving very attentive environment for a child, not to mention all the extra support and time the biological parents get and the deep bonds the non-bio parents get to enjoy.
    You are wrong - I have seen poly families and I've said that more than once in this thread. None of them look like functional emotionally supportive environments for kids to me. I have nothing against being poly and don't think it's bad at all as long as you're not impacting others, but when you have kids you're crossing the line and you are forcing your choice upon them. I also think that unless you've been a parent yourself or have been a social worker for decades that it's possible for you to even recognize what a good environment for a child looks like. It's very easy for things to look great at a superficial level.

    It's fine to disagree, but don't assume others opinions come from ignorance of poly relationships.
    Last edited by pl3asehelp; 12-27-2012 at 05:03 PM.

  8. #27
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    I think it's better not to tell people anything. I'm probably pretty close to being poly, myself. Granted, I've always been a reserved/private person, and I've never cared about acceptance or anything like that. My family is pretty negative in general; I'm not going to give them something new to moan about.

    Incidentally, 90% of "mono" families I've seen have raised screwed-up kids. Somehow, I don't think that's an excuse to bash monogamy...

  9. #28
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by pl3asehelp
    You are wrong - I have seen poly families and I've said that more than once in this thread. None of them look like functional emotionally supportive environments for kids to me. I have nothing against being poly and don't think it's bad at all as long as you're not impacting others, but when you have kids you're crossing the line and you are forcing your choice upon them. I also think that unless you've been a parent yourself or have been a social worker for decades that it's possible for you to even recognize what a good environment for a child looks like. It's very easy for things to look great at a superficial level.

    I'm not going to convince you that poly families are amazing and you aren't going to convince me that they are innately unhealthy. I hope that as time passes and more poly people are out of the closet and have better resources and more community that you will see more and more poly families and see how different and the same they are as everyone's family.

    OP this is why I always want poly people to come out. I still think it is a personal choice but the more of us there are out there the more people will see it as a real option.

  10. #29
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    If I was her father and she was coming to me with that ridiculous news - I'd tell her she needs her head read.

  11. #30
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    Originally Posted by DylanNotorious
    If I was her father and she was coming to me with that ridiculous news - I'd tell her she needs her head read.
    Just imagine...twenty years ago, it was much more common for parents to have that reaction if their kid came out of the closet.

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