Facebook share
LinkedIn share
Google plus share
Twitter plus share
Give Advice
Ask For Advice
Page 2 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast
Results 11 to 20 of 58

Thread: How to break news of an unconventional relationship to the family...

  1. #11
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,735
    I think it's great to have many loving adults in a child's life. I think it's really important for the child to have a mother and a father or two parents of the same sex if at all possible and to avoid a situation where a non-parent is having sex with one or both of the parents to which the child is exposed. Sometimes it's not possible to give a child a two-parent household. In the OP's friend's situation it is possible. The OP's friend of course can be a loving adult in the child's life and not be having sex with the child's married parents.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,954
    Gender
    Female
    Friend knows her parents better than anyone here, and if she believes they'd be upset about it, what is the 'need' behind telling them who she's having sex with?

    I dunno, no reflection on your friend, but it just seems that certain attention-seekers love chaos and spend their entire lives determined to inflict as much pain on their parents as possible before they die. Is it REALLY necessary?

  3. #13
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    2,407
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by catfeeder
    Friend knows her parents better than anyone here, and if she believes they'd be upset about it, what is the 'need' behind telling them who she's having sex with?

    I dunno, no reflection on your friend, but it just seems that certain attention-seekers love chaos and spend their entire lives determined to inflict as much pain on their parents as possible before they die. Is it REALLY necessary?
    I actually said that she isn't sure HOW they would react, not that they would necessarily have a heart attack on the spot. I know these people to, so I think that it's a valid concern.

    She is definitely NOT trying to cause chaos or attention seeking. They have been together for a year, so the relationship is moving into a more serious phase and like any serious relationship they want to share it with their family. My friend's parents actually MET "Joe" and "Jane" and really seemed to like them. As for the children, they don't have kids yet, but my friend is not sure she ever wants kids of her own. This way she is able to help out "Joe" and "Jane" with the child (and they only want one). They are self employed, so they work from home a lot. They want to be a co-ordinated unit basically so in that sense, the relationship is serious enough to warrant telling family.

    The idea that one shouldn't simply because "it isn't going to last" is more than presumptuous. Yes, they could "decide to boot her out"...or she could leave. But the same goes for relationships where only TWO people are involved. She doesn't want legal rights to their children.

    Rosephase, thanks for the advice. I will pass it on.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
    Join Date
    Dec 2011
    Location
    Ontario, Canada
    Posts
    2,407
    Gender
    Female
    Thanks...that's probably the only helpful comment so far Appreciated.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member catfeeder's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    Location
    New Jersey
    Posts
    21,954
    Gender
    Female
    Originally Posted by tvnerdgirl
    [...]They want to be a co-ordinated unit basically so in that sense, the relationship is serious enough to warrant telling family. [...]
    Plenty of domestic arrangements are considered a coordinated unit for holiday and family gatherings, daily life, the whole works--often even including close neighbors and other relationships. I've seen that all my life, and most especially with 'old world' people who expand their families beyond comprehension and caravan around with glee. It's terrific.

    So I guess I just don't understand why the need for intimate details of who has sex with whom, and why that is such an important message to convey to one's elderly parents. Does it really matter? Why can't a loving domestic arrangement just be respectfully described as however you'd want to describe it--why are the bedroom details what has to matter here?

    That's what comes off as deliberate 'shock value' to me--and I promise I'm not being snide about that. I just don't see the necessity in shaking up old folks without a useful and logical reason for doing so.

  7. #16
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2006
    Location
    Canada
    Age
    55
    Posts
    25,633
    Gender
    Female
    My friend is wanting to tell her own family about it, but is nervous about doing so. Her parents are baby boomers who really only know the "conventional" family unit. They aren't strongly religious but come from a small town and have not really been exposed to different relationship styles. Her mother is mild mannered, and she is hopeful that she will be accepting. She is not sure about what her Dad will think and suspects that some members of the extended family (who are more religious) might be strongly opposed.
    Mild mannered or not, it will very likely be a bitter blow to her mother to find out that her daughter is sleeping with a married man and getting herself mixed up in someone else's relationship rather than having a relationship of her own. You don't have to be religious and uptight in order to feel very upset and disapproving of this kind of relationship. It doesn't matter that for now at least (it has only been a year) Jane is fine with this (of course Joe would be happy as a clam with a set up of having two women to choose from to have sexual variety). When a child enters the picture who knows what will happen. Perhaps Jane's maternal instincts will really kick in and she won't want her to be bonding with her child. She may be quite willing to share her husband but not her child. Also, the fun and frolic that is so exciting now may be less than exciting once there is a child in the mix which takes up more time. I think at this point it is premature to tell her parents about this lifestyle choice..who she is sleeping with is not their concern and I don't know of very many parents who would be thrilled that their daughter is mixed up in this kind of way with a married couple.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    San Francisco
    Posts
    4,165
    Gender
    Female
    It's wanting to share you life with your family and not be lying to them. My family would have excepted a "best friend who I live with" idea but it would be a lie and I don't like lying to my family. It sucks to have to watch your actions and words. It feel awful to be on guard around the people you love the most. Not to mention asking your partners to also lie to your parents.

    Poly isn't about sex. It's about relationships and love. I'm not sharing "bedroom details" with my parents I'm sharing my life, my love and my commitments because that is part of being family to me.

  9. #18

    Join Date
    Mar 2009
    Location
    San Francisco
    Age
    43
    Posts
    9,012
    Gender
    Male
    Originally Posted by tvnerdgirl
    Thanks...that's probably the only helpful comment so far Appreciated.
    And the subject of parenting in this arrangement wasn't even mentioned in that comment when it's by far the most important thing to consider. I'm all for adults doing whatever they want, but they're talking about having a kid who is going to be profoundly affected by a choice they didn't make. But as long as the parents get what they want, I suppose that's all that's important. Gotta look out for number one.

  10. #19
    Platinum Member rosephase's Avatar
    Join Date
    Nov 2007
    Location
    San Francisco
    Posts
    4,165
    Gender
    Female
    Yes the relationship could end. That is all relationships. And more people wouldn't react in such a closed minded way to things they have no practical experience with if more people were out. As more people talk about it and see good healthy functioning poly relationships, people will be less likely to make negative assumptions based out of simple ignorance.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2006
    Posts
    49,735
    Originally Posted by rosephase
    Yes the relationship could end. That is all relationships. And more people wouldn't react in such a closed minded way to things they have no practical experience with if more people were out. As more people talk about it and see good healthy functioning poly relationships, people will be less likely to make negative assumptions based out of simple ignorance.
    Definitely not ignorance -I'm a mom and a former nanny and a former teacher of young children with a degree in education and many years of experience including with my own young child. I have a strong basis for my opinion on what's in the best interests of a child. You seem to be approaching this more from the perspective of what's in the adult's best interest. Obviously any relationship can end -but some types of relationships have a far higher risk of ending or of being unstable than others which is fine if only adults are involved (well, not fine but not as big an issue if there are no children). It's also interesting that you claim other people must be "ignorant" because of their opinions rather than accepting that others have well-founded opinions whether or not you agree.

Page 2 of 6 FirstFirst 12345 ... LastLast

Give Advice
Ask For Advice

Tags for this Thread

Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •