Through the looking glass...

Phase one of the denouement

I feel like I'm in some kind of mirror world where everything remains the same, except that now my feelings of instability have turned to peace, rage to a private passion. The people I used to trust are now the people I keep furthest from my heart.

At first I felt horribly numb, and I was really worried my parents had done irrepairable damage to me. But months after that numbness replaced the grief I have always carried, I feel I am my own mother, and I often picture myself meeting my younger self at various points in her life when she would have really needed me. I hold out my arms, and for the first time since I began this exercise I feel the child in me is truly comforted and loved.

This is going to be my partial account of the next phase in my life where I attempt to be a normal person after surviving, and finally dealing with my experience of child abuse.

It's almost 2013. I feel about ten years old, with a childish confidence that I live in a harmless and vibrant world. My head is filled with the colorful graphics of iPhone games, science experiments gone awry, candy, and the comfortable feeling that I have so much time to grow and develop, surrounded by role models and real adults, and then I start to panic. Despite how I feel, I can't defy time can I? If anyone knew how I really felt , they'd think it was ridiculous. My one secret wish, for more time, maybe a decade's worth, will never be granted right? At least not until humans become technologically advanced enough to time travel or manipulate history in some way. So now what? I am not resigned to return to my former life with my tail between my legs, try to marry down in the hopes that my husband will never leave me, get a boring but acceptable job, wear unstylish but expensive clothing and go to yoga twice a week. I hate this, but I'm such a coward and most importantly, what if I fail?

At the beginning of my little vision quest, my big question was exactly who am I? I was terrified of having any opinion that someone, somewhere, could potentially disagree with and I had a weird habit of mirroring the personalities of whoever I happened to be around at the moment. Now that's not nearly as bad, and I see what a open, bleeding wound I used to be. It's shocking, but I think I acted like that because I was so desperate to be loved. The thought of rejection by anyone was just too much to bear.

Ugh my stupid phone deleted my post and I really have no desire to rewrite everything. After the remodeling, well, it's 60 percent done, I'm exhausted and just now beginning to recover after like a week of downtime.

2013, I just know it's going to be a great year. At least by my standards! Today I ate a persimmon and actually enjoyed it. I might have the motivation to actually stick to my anti aging diet. That might be a bad thing though, like I look old so I'm motivated...but I feel mostly beautiful even if I'm not as youthful as I was at 18. I'm kind of over being attractive, it was really amazing at first and it still is, but I know I need to work on other aspects of my personality now that I've dealt with that.

This year I'm not afraid of anything really. I'm a little afraid of death, and surgery and car accidents which I never was before, but I was afraid of the things that are more under my control, like making life decisions and things like that. Now I am more in control of my emotions, especially my sadness and loneliness. I have to say, I may not act like an angry person but in the face of abusive and controlling individuals I feel a rage that is maybe even more powerful than ever. I hope I can get over that soon!

I am about 50 percent less fatigued, an astonishing improvement since I began my healing journey. As they say, it often gets worse before it gets better and at first I plunged into a darkness greater than I have ever known or ever hope to know. I felt like one of the "poor unfortunate souls" in the little mermaid or something. Great reference I know.

Now I just need to secure an apartment in the US, and I'll be ready to rock n' roll ha. But I can't decide if I should aim for a March, May, or June departure. Worst case scenario will be June.

Wow!!! I did it!!!!!!!!

My mother made me a prisoner in her home for 3 years and I have never known greater suffering in my life. It was even worse than when I was growing up because back then I was too traumatized and ignorant to know how terrible it was.

I'm free!!!!!!!!!! I am seriously probably the luckiest person

Ugh I seriously hate my phone it did it again

In closing, having been literally a prisoner in my mother's attic as an adult, having had my reputation destroyed and shredded by my own mother who I trusted for far too long, having had this same woman spread untrue gossip and outright lies about me and being unable to defend myself, having had to choose between lovers or my mother, choose between friends or my mother, an education or my mother, having had to choose between living in a filthy, cockroach infested room or being endlessly screamed and belittled for cleaning

I finally have the courage to choose life rather than a slow miserable death at her hands.

Thank god I had a few years away in college to realize what an incredible hardship I've endured. Otherwise, I wouldn't even know I deserve better. I could have died like that.

I'm still disgusted and affected by her infantile but poisonous...what is it, her aura or something lol

But I'm not her prey anymore

Half the time, I'm not even angry, because I am actually happy.

I used to be too far gone to receive help. I wonder what that says about me? Why is it that no matter what I did or to some extent, no matter what I do even now, I still make choices that are a little off key, that ultimately don't make me that happy? No one could have reached me unless they caught it early, like in my teens when I was a lot more moldable. I guess I have been blessed with the opportunity to really develop my own values. I feel haunted by the things I have seen in my life, both in my abusive parents' actions and the reactions of the people who witnessed it. I have uncomfortable dreams about lost childhood friends that I haven't spoken to in a decade.

In all of this, I know in a way, that I didn't become a person in the meaningful sense of the word until I was a fully developed adult. So do I have bad karma? Ugh

I really feel like it's my fault. I had to have been a demon or a murderer in my past life or something. Why else would I have been so crazy? I don't think I've ever met anyone like me. I've never met another survivor in real life outside the context of a single group therapy session gone awry. now that was awkward, i didnt really know much crazier a lot of other people were until i attended that, and it scared me so much. There is definitely an under class of people with mental problems in the working world and in less rigorous universities. Growing up, i had never experienced that until i took the Amtrak train and realized that there are many who live outside the mainstream current of culture, taste, and values. but maybe thats different now that all people are at least a little less ignorant. Underachieving me, so out of step with their environment in such an obvious way. Thats almost as bad as not fitting in with the regular folks or the successful people, when it's clear that you're vulnerable someone is bound to take advantage. In other superstitious news, my little new years fortune forecast thingy said happiness was still a long way off. Sigh...and to be wary of accidents when traveling! So awesome, I'm going to die on the plane home. At the end of the day, I don't know what to make of my wasted efforts to become a more understanding and tolerant person. The people I know who are cynical and snobby are the ones who have made the most of their professional lives. Selfishness is kind of a virtue at the end of the day. I am so disappointed and angry that this just turns out to be the way of things but in some ways I'm also really relieved. I can do selfish...I'm good at that just like everyone else. I was so naive for thinking that I could be so... I don't know. I guess I wanted to level the playing field a little, it would feel like justice for the people who get shafted in life like me!

I wonder how I can help myself and others who have even worse mentally speaking. Does the stigma actually help us, inevitably forcing us to assimilate into normal society? It definitely is true in s

I always end up accidentally touching some weird part of the screen and lose my post so it's frustrating. Anyway, maybe it will help me to repeat this...just because I make a choice that doesn't make me happy doesn't mean I'm wrong, it just means I'm not happy. I'm not fundamentally flawed, just unhappy. I need to stop being so hard on myself even though I make bad decisions that other people would never make. That is irrelevant, because I am who I am and I can't help it.

Now, I feel way too alive to survive in this country. I really wish I could stay forever wrapped my cocoon (is that how you spell it?) of sadness until I get out. Being delusional is even worse than this?

For the first time I feel a sense of continuity in time since the nineties. On a personal level...like that 2013 really isn't that different from 1998. But that means I have to face the terrible truth.

I haven't like, transcended my upbringing or something. In recognizing that it is like I have though...

This is partly why I feel like I'm in the denouement. I've come down to reality, integrated most of my contradictory personalities. Real life is such a marvel but I feel so pathetic for not recognizing the problems in my thinking sooner. Lots of people aren't loved by their parents, it's not like I had to go off the rails just because of that. Any problem can be overcome to some extent.

I guess it was too painful for me to accept who I am. It's getting easier every day. I have to face the facts, like a splash of ice cold water on my face every now and then to wake me up.

And... I don't need to worry about some people watching me struggle. I don't need to be embarrassed, because its the truth isn't it? No need to hide all my problems and try unsuccessfully to pretend everything is okay.

But the question of privacy and appropriateness remains. How much disclosure is appropriate? And I am allowed some degree of ffffing dignity am I not?

I just can't figure it out!! Thankfully I can sort out some of this mess here. I don't know if I should feel strong or the way I really feel at this moment, uncomfortable and anxious.

I'll try to spend a week in real life, rather than escaping to some fantasy land where I'll be happy in the distant future. This is what I haven't wanted to do here, and what I should do if I want to alleviate my suffering in the long run. This going to suck so unbelievably much... The horror and the boredom..the bleakness. I have to feel it because it's true.

I feel a little better already, that really didnt take long. So I really need to fight the urge to sort of space out and act like this isn't real because my real life is waiting for me in America. Wherever I am is where I am in real life. God I can't believe it had come to this!

My life is basically so absurd at this point that making sacrifices is a welcome relief from suffering the easy way out all the time.

I have to keep reminding myself though, it's called a sacrifice because it's not fun. Every day is going to be a struggle to live up to the ideals I have in my head. Otherwise I get all frustrated that it's never easier to do the right thing. It's a constant struggle to eat healthy, go to bed early, think positive thoughts, respect others, not be resentful, and think clearly. I hate not ever being able to relax, but if I do I'll slowly fall into the grip of my issues all over again.

Some of the rewards are that I feel more in control and less like a victim of circumstance, and that there have been long term benefits to some of the sacrifices I have learned how to make.

I'm so sad though that I still can't erase time or the past.. Blahhh

I am really excited though, because I've learned how to validate my desires and goals and take action and make sacrifices to make at least some of them come true. That's better than nothing.

This week I have to get it together a little more though.

I think I've learned a few things that I hope are somewhat permanent.

I used to hate men deeeeeep down. I didn't trust anyone but guys in particular seemed so crappy at their core . I used to think a lot of really dumb stuff about gender for that matter. Like that women really were inferior in a fundamental way, but most of the stuff that annoys me about women is just socialized into us. I'm not afraid of strong women anymore. I hated women for being weak and back stabbing. I don't think I'll be friends with women like that anymore.

I am way less racist and even more less classist than I used to be. This is pretty great.

I think I'm way more in touch with my sexuality, even the dark places I never even knew existed. My sexuality used to be much more about putting on a show for guys even though it wasn't totally obvious, it still is but I think I'm way less oppressed. I don't feel like pretending to be anymore sexual than I already am. Which is interesting because it turns out I still have a lot of 'urges' and now they are way more on the surface and immediate now. Like I would never randomly just of sex while I'm talking to someone but now it might suddenly pop into my head. Don't know if this a good thing

Because I'm noticing my base desires more as well as my more noble ones

I feel less in control of my unacceptable side, because I really am starting to feel confused about exactly what is right or wrong.

There have to be consequences--but it is still so weird to live in nature where all the rules are made by an unknown force and you have no real control over anything.

Happiness

Order

Justice

Morality

Love

Innovation/industriousness

Luxury

I guess those words approximate my values at present, almost in the order they should come in. Although I don't think I can really say some are more important than others.

OH MY god

I seriously hate typing on this phone I can't believe I lost my entire post again I just can't believe it

Well this is the plan,

Pretend to seek advice in February or March, like late February.

Start it like this

I was wondering if I could get your advice on something important

I don't even know where to start

And I would really appreciate it if you could listen with an open mind because what I'm about to say is going to seem... Seem what?? I don't even know

It's hard for to me to talk about this without getting really angry or emotional ( no dont say that that'll make it sound like you're weak and just making things up)

Should I go with

My teacher asking about my bruises at school, Strangulation, throwing cereal bowls and shoes, And then the child molestation angle?

Or do I start with the child predator thing?

Yeah maybe that would be better

Start from

2011, when I got the email from the detective

Then to 2006 when I found the child porn, asking her to stop but she didnt

Then to the inappropriate stuff with that little girl

Then to those other girls and how I was strangled by my father in early 2008

And how she smiled smugly like a creep

And I'm not the only one who witnessed it, my friends mom and my first college bf

And then to her bad parenting

And I can make a list

Everything always being about her, that my living well was a reflection of her being pathetic and me being ashamed of her, harassing me for being clean, wearing clothes, making inappropriate remarks about my body, sexualizing me.

That horrible trip to Cali and what she did to me and my friend

Clutching the bunny like a crazy person

Her tantrums in the car--like the time I made a joke

Scaring me with those costumes

Everything, acting like we didnt have enough money to eat, the changing money situation from day to the next. One month she suddenly had the money to contribute to my schooling but I'm sure if I asked her this month she would laugh and say I lied and made it up.

Like how d was okay because he was unhealthy for me, but j wasn't because he actually wanted me to pursue my dreams

How if I went out with friends her harassment became unbearable

Etc etc

Her complete obsession with me

Screaming about how I was a better person when I was 2..,

The painting harassment in multiple ways

The cleaning harassment

The educational harassment

The family harassment

Trying to undermine my stability in all these ways

Crazy grandparents tantrum at 3 in the afternoon, raiding my room when they thought I was gone, going through my trash

Why and I tried to improve her quality of life so that she would stop harassing me.

But if she knew that was my plan then shed do anything to stop it... So that's why I couldn't say anything because I'd be afraid it would get back to her

The pond tantrum

Those are the most notable ones

Is that all? If she didnt fit in with the other parents she would blame me and yell and take it out on me later

How even when I was 5 or 6 or maybe even younger, she'd have a screaming tantrum at least once a month or even once a week that would end with her saying to me, I knew we could never be a family, because you and your father are selfish, I was only a little girl.

How can you continue on with the same story for decades? That's definitely a sign of insanity

And when I would be vulnerable, and tell her I wanted a real relationship with her, she would use me and put that as the carrot on the stick to control me with

The promise of someday being good enough to be her daughter

And the screaming, lying, manipulating, sabotaging, blackmailing, and humiliation would start all over again until one of us couldn't take it anymore. The endless repetition, and right as I was becoming strong enough to break the cycle at a young age, I met that horrible guy who said everything was okay in my family, that we were rich and that shed pay for me. That was like music to my ears. It was exactly what I wanted to hear and that was my biggest mistake. His actions are unforgivable but so are mine

Then I can talk about the affair

And how I uncovered it, d deleted it, so they both could deny it

That made me sick too

Maybe he deleted it because he wanted to control our relationship so he could

That evil ccccc word. How can anyone be so incredibly evil and disgusting?

Well this is the plan,

Pretend to seek advice in February or March, like late February.

Start it like this

I was wondering if I could get your advice on something important

I don't even know where to start

And I would really appreciate it if you could listen with an open mind because what I'm about to say is going to seem... Seem what?? I don't even know

It's hard for to me to talk about this without getting really angry or emotional ( no dont say that that'll make it sound like you're weak and just making things up)

Should I go with

My teacher asking about my bruises at school, Strangulation, throwing cereal bowls and shoes, And then the child molestation angle?

Or do I start with the child predator thing?

Yeah maybe that would be better

Start from

2011, when I got the email from the detective

Then to 2006 when I found the child porn, asking her to stop but she didnt

Then to the inappropriate stuff with that little girl

Then to those other girls and how I was strangled by my father in early 2008

And how she smiled smugly like a creep

And I'm not the only one who witnessed it, my friends mom and my first college bf

And then to her bad parenting

And I can make a list

Everything always being about her, that my living well was a reflection of her being pathetic and me being ashamed of her, harassing me for being clean, wearing clothes, making inappropriate remarks about my body, sexualizing me.

That horrible trip to Cali and what she did to me and my friend

Clutching the bunny like a crazy person

Her tantrums in the car--like the time I made a joke

Scaring me with those costumes

Everything, acting like we didnt have enough money to eat, the changing money situation from day to the next. One month she suddenly had the money to contribute to my schooling but I'm sure if I asked her this month she would laugh and say I lied and made it up.

Like how d was okay because he was unhealthy for me, but j wasn't because he actually wanted me to pursue my dreams

How if I went out with friends her harassment became unbearable

Etc etc

Her complete obsession with me

Screaming about how I was a better person when I was 2..,

The painting harassment in multiple ways

The cleaning harassment

The educational harassment

The family harassment

Trying to undermine my stability in all these ways

Crazy grandparents tantrum at 3 in the afternoon, raiding my room when they thought I was gone, going through my trash

Why and I tried to improve her quality of life so that she would stop harassing me.

But if she knew that was my plan then shed do anything to stop it... So that's why I couldn't say anything because I'd be afraid it would get back to her

The pond tantrum

Those are the most notable ones

Is that all? If she didnt fit in with the other parents she would blame me and yell and take it out on me later

How even when I was 5 or 6 or maybe even younger, she'd have a screaming tantrum at least once a month or even once a week that would end with her saying to me, I knew we could never be a family, because you and your father are selfish, I was only a little girl.

How can you continue on with the same story for decades? That's definitely a sign of insanity

And when I would be vulnerable, and tell her I wanted a real relationship with her, she would use me and put that as the carrot on the stick to control me with

The promise of someday being good enough to be her daughter

And the screaming, lying, manipulating, sabotaging, blackmailing, and humiliation would start all over again until one of us couldn't take it anymore. The endless repetition, and right as I was becoming strong enough to break the cycle at a young age, I met that horrible guy who said everything was okay in my family, that we were rich and that shed pay for me. That was like music to my ears. It was exactly what I wanted to hear and that was my biggest mistake. His actions are unforgivable but so are mine

Then I can talk about the affair

And how I uncovered it, d deleted it, so they both could deny it

That made me sick too

Maybe he deleted it because he wanted to control our relationship so he could play the good guy

That's probably somewhat true even though it was a split second decision

That evil ccccc word. How can anyone be so incredibly evil and disgusting?

And then

That's probably enough

Matt the teacher stood up for me...

Anybody else? I don't think so

D tried to be a mediator once

B confronted my dad but he was scared too, poor guy

Emphasize that over the years, her actions have affected so many people, not just me. She has made a lot of people suffer, especially people who have cared about and wanted to help me. And she set up obstacles and weird tests friendships should never have to withstand.

But at least I've learned that loyalty is cheap

Or at least In The hands of the person with most amount of money

I just have to surpass her in that regard and my perspective will be regarded as more plausible when it all comes out

Credibility

How I hate that concept but it is still so vital. I can't spit in the face of credibility and expect everyone to believe me can I?

Ok for some reason I can't zoom so I had to repost the same previous entry with my edits at the end.

The wave of uncontrollable rage has subsided a little a lot...

I have a game plan for justice.

I have evidence

Should I write anything else down

The using our Inside voices story

Driving, getting to the parking lot and I can tell she's in a really bad mood, she gets this permanent scowl on her face like she is about to explode, and she starts looking for any opportunity to strike. I need to tread very carefully. I ask her where I should park, she starts screaming immediately

I haven't said anything offensive, and I know it's futile to point that out, so I ask her to use a normal tone of voice and tell her I'm not angry with her. She says yes you are, you get angry so easily. I say, is my voice raised? No I'm talking to you calmly and I really just want to know where I should park it's not necessary to yell and scream at each other. Its Like a training a really bratty little girl. So I wheel everything out from the store with both my hands, awkwardly trying to control both pieces of furniture, while she sits and eats a cinnamon roll. Then i drive us home. A perfect illustration of my life with her.

That day I felt like I had healed a little part of myself by being able to protect myself from escalating her moodiness.

It became easier and easier to navigate her instability

When I stopped listening to everyone else who said it was my fault and my responsibility for making her that way, that it was my inherent badness , my unlovableness, my stubbornness when I make more compromises every day than anyone I know

God I hate them those spoiled weaklings the people who don't even appreciate their own freedom to be able to make healthy choices

They don't even know what a gift that is

My phone as my shield

This is an important part of the story

The healing

How it took a year to fully feel a least somewhat less traumatized

Then take action

And now

I am try

Ok for some reason I can't zoom so I had to repost the same previous entry with my edits at the end.

The wave of uncontrollable rage has subsided a little a lot...

I have a game plan for justice.

I have evidence

Should I write anything else down

The using our Inside voices story

Driving, getting to the parking lot and I can tell she's in a really bad mood, she gets this permanent scowl on her face like she is about to explode, and she starts looking for any opportunity to strike. I need to tread very carefully. I ask her where I should park, she starts screaming immediately

I haven't said anything offensive, and I know it's futile to point that out, so I ask her to use a normal tone of voice and tell her I'm not angry with her. She says yes you are, you get angry so easily. I say, is my voice raised? No I'm talking to you calmly and I really just want to know where I should park it's not necessary to yell and scream at each other. Its Like a training a really bratty little girl. So I wheel everything out from the store with both my hands, awkwardly trying to control both pieces of furniture, while she sits and eats a cinnamon roll. Then i drive us home. A perfect illustration of my life with her.

That day I felt like I had healed a little part of myself by being able to protect myself from escalating her moodiness.

It became easier and easier to navigate her instability

When I stopped listening to everyone else who said it was my fault and my responsibility for making her that way, that it was my inherent badness , my unlovableness, my stubbornness when I make more compromises every day than anyone I know

God I hate them those spoiled weaklings the people who don't even appreciate their own freedom to be able to make healthy choices

They don't even know what a gift that is

My phone as my shield

This is an important part of the story

The healing

How it took a year to fully feel a least somewhat less traumatized

Then take action

And now

I am try

Ok for some reason I can't zoom so I had to repost the same previous entry with my edits at the end.

The wave of uncontrollable rage has subsided a little a lot...

I have a game plan for justice.

I have evidence

Should I write anything else down

The using our Inside voices story

Driving, getting to the parking lot and I can tell she's in a really bad mood, she gets this permanent scowl on her face like she is about to explode, and she starts looking for any opportunity to strike. I need to tread very carefully. I ask her where I should park, she starts screaming immediately

I haven't said anything offensive, and I know it's futile to point that out, so I ask her to use a normal tone of voice and tell her I'm not angry with her. She says yes you are, you get angry so easily. I say, is my voice raised? No I'm talking to you calmly and I really just want to know where I should park it's not necessary to yell and scream at each other. Its Like a training a really bratty little girl. So I wheel everything out from the store with both my hands, awkwardly trying to control both pieces of furniture, while she sits and eats a cinnamon roll. Then i drive us home. A perfect illustration of my life with her.

That day I felt like I had healed a little part of myself by being able to protect myself from escalating her moodiness.

It became easier and easier to navigate her instability

When I stopped listening to everyone else who said it was my fault and my responsibility for making her that way, that it was my inherent badness , my unlovableness, my stubbornness when I make more compromises every day than anyone I know

God I hate them those spoiled weaklings the people who don't even appreciate their own freedom to be able to make healthy choices

They don't even know what a gift that is

My phone as my shield

This is an important part of the storyWell this is the plan,

Pretend to seek advice in February or March, like late February.

Start it like this

I was wondering if I could get your advice on something important

I don't even know where to start

And I would really appreciate it if you could listen with an open mind because what I'm about to say is going to seem... Seem what?? I don't even know

It's hard for to me to talk about this without getting really angry or emotional ( no dont say that that'll make it sound like you're weak and just making things up)

Should I go with

My teacher asking about my bruises at school, Strangulation, throwing cereal bowls and shoes, And then the child molestation angle?

Or do I start with the child predator thing?

Yeah maybe that would be better

Start from

2011, when I got the email from the detective

Then to 2006 when I found the child porn, asking her to stop but she didnt

Then to the inappropriate stuff with that little girl

Then to those other girls and how I was strangled by my father in early 2008

And how she smiled smugly like a creep

And I'm not the only one who witnessed it, my friends mom and my first college bf

And then to her bad parenting

And I can make a list

Everything always being about her, that my living well was a reflection of her being pathetic and me being ashamed of her, harassing me for being clean, wearing clothes, making inappropriate remarks about my body, sexualizing me.

That horrible trip to Cali and what she did to me and my friend

Clutching the bunny like a crazy person

Her tantrums in the car--like the time I made a joke

Scaring me with those costumes

Everything, acting like we didnt have enough money to eat, the changing money situation from day to the next. One month she suddenly had the money to contribute to my schooling but I'm sure if I asked her this month she would laugh and say I lied and made it up.

Like how d was okay because he was unhealthy for me, but j wasn't because he actually wanted me to pursue my dreams

How if I went out with friends her harassment became unbearable

Etc etc

Her complete obsession with me

Screaming about how I was a better person when I was 2..,

The painting harassment in multiple ways

The cleaning harassment

The educational harassment

The family harassment

Trying to undermine my stability in all these ways

Crazy grandparents tantrum at 3 in the afternoon, raiding my room when they thought I was gone, going through my trash

Why and I tried to improve her quality of life so that she would stop harassing me.

But if she knew that was my plan then shed do anything to stop it... So that's why I couldn't say anything because I'd be afraid it would get back to her

The pond tantrum

Those are the most notable ones

Is that all? If she didnt fit in with the other parents she would blame me and yell and take it out on me later

How even when I was 5 or 6 or maybe even younger, she'd have a screaming tantrum at least once a month or even once a week that would end with her saying to me, I knew we could never be a family, because you and your father are selfish, I was only a little girl.

How can you continue on with the same story for decades? That's definitely a sign of insanity

And when I would be vulnerable, and tell her I wanted a real relationship with her, she would use me and put that as the carrot on the stick to control me with

The promise of someday being good enough to be her daughter

And the screaming, lying, manipulating, sabotaging, blackmailing, and humiliation would start all over again until one of us couldn't take it anymore. The endless repetition, and right as I was becoming strong enough to break the cycle at a young age, I met that horrible guy who said everything was okay in my family, that we were rich and that shed pay for me. That was like music to my ears. It was exactly what I wanted to hear and that was my biggest mistake. His actions are unforgivable but so are mine

Then I can talk about the affair

And how I uncovered it, d deleted it, so they both could deny it

That made me sick too

Maybe he deleted it because he wanted to control our relationship so he could play the good guy

That's probably somewhat true even though it was a split second decision

That evil ccccc word. How can anyone be so incredibly evil and disgusting?

And then

That's probably enough

Matt the teacher stood up for me...

Anybody else? I don't think so

D tried to be a mediator once

B confronted my dad but he was scared too, poor guy

Emphasize that over the years, her actions have affected so many people, not just me. She has made a lot of people suffer, especially people who have cared about and wanted to help me. And she set up obstacles and weird tests friendships should never have to withstand.

But at least I've learned that loyalty is cheap

Or at least In The hands of the person with most amount of money

I just have to surpass her in that regard and my perspective will be regarded as more plausible when it all comes out

Credibility

How I hate that concept but it is still so vital. I can't spit in the face of credibility and expect everyone

The healing

How it took a year to fully feel a least somewhat less traumatized

Then take action

An

Great I am so upset

This keyboard is seriously so inconvenient

I have like bajillion multiple posts

And I lost my previous one for about the tenth time

I can't remember what I was thinking at all...

Oh I now I do

That was such a bad post to lose

That's why I like making videos, that never happens

Okay so let me just check if I really lost that post or not

I really did lose it, that's so sad...

Okay I'll try to sum it up.

There is a part of me that wants to go back and tell off every jerk that I hid my story from yet still judged me and tried to make if seem like it was all mg fault, go back and tell them the truth. I want to see the shocked look on their faces, the way that my revelation might change their lives.

But there is another part of me that is so scared of doing that, because for one, it could backfire big time. Sometimes if doesnt even matter how big the reveal is, if it puts a person In a position to be the bad guy even by proxy, they'll just deny till the day they die.

So there is that, the fact that we are illogical beings

Then there is another bad possibility, that they believe me but are so disgusted I am shunned along with the whole situation

This is slightly more plausible

And another natural instinct that's all fine until you're the victim of it.

The best case scenario

They apologize to me for the years of harm and hurt their judgement caused

But people aren't very good at that

I understand that too

But the need for truth and justice is overriding my civilized instincts

I could sweep this all under the rug

But I would remain crazy

And who knows how much worse I could get if I tried it.

I really could possibly end up killing my mother, and no one would believe me then.

So maybe it's the best course of action, since every choice sucks

Be an orphan and be shunned from my old community, but have the whole world at my feet

Or live in limbo land forever

Have good natured 'jokes' be cracked up my 'rebellious' nature and how selfish I supposedly am by people who couldn't possibly even fathom the compromises and burdens I have carried since I was very young. They seem like such simpletons living out some wish fulfillment fantasy where the old evil hag mother is the victim and I'm some spoiled little princess, what spoiled princess would choose to live the way I live? Ugh they make no sense and just cherry pick their morals to fit their own sense of resentment which have nothing to do with me or my circumstances.

I don't exaggerate other things, I'm honest in my dealings with others so why would I just choose to be combative with my mother?

So repulsive, this ridiculous idea that children and parents naturally oppose one another. What a toxic and creepy idea.

Anyway

So much is working against me. I've done the work to stop thinking in those harmful and false paradigms but I still live the same world.

I need to find other good people and then maybe we can figure out a way to live fulfilling lives with out this stuff getting us down.

Either way, it will work out, even if I'm a coward and I end up not having my little pow wow, big reveal thingy. Getting away and starting over is going to give me a great new perspective and it's not going to matter what a handful of people in the world think of me, even if they dislike me until the day I die.

I think the angry little person in me who may be a little emotionally underdeveloped understands that now that I hashed it all out.

Yes, the truth is important

Being a martyr is so overrated

But, it is going to change everything? Plus, what am I going to do, ruin everyone else's lives and them feel guilty for working for someone like her? For being accomplices and Putting the lives

Of other innocent people at risk?

Is it worth it so that as usual

I can prove just how right I am and how weak and wrong they are?

Or does true strength come from doing the right thing, no matter how inconvenient or embarrassing?

I think I need to talk to someone

But someone whose opinion I actually respect, not just any person with a doctorate in psych or something

No point in taking advice from some person I already perceive to be as weak and more of a slave or more selfish than me.

If I can't find a mentor, or person I respect to guide me on this matter, I'll make the decision myself.

But if I meet or find someone I respect, I'll try or I will, ugh, I need, to heed their advice no matter how much it is hard to hear.

Finally the torment and the uncertainty is less intense

link removed

The comments on this article are incredible. I initially read the headline and clicked on it partly in disbelief and anger...because as noted by the 1,900 some comments if an adult child chooses to cut off their parents there is almost always years of some kind of abuse behind that decision, the 'bad seed' narrative is pretty much, generally speaking, a fiction invented by either abusive parents or parents who have never really come to grips with the self-sacrifice (which isn't really even a sacrifice in the true sense when both parent and child should benefit from their relationship) and compromise necessary to maintaining a healthy and functional family life.

I'm only on page 8 but the other survivors of child abuse have made so many insightful comments that I know are just going to change my life.

Like these insights:

My experience with my abusers completely denying responsibility is very, very, very typical.

*Almost no abusive parent tels their friends and family, "well I hit her all the time and belittled her constantly for years so that's why she cut me off."

Many abusers are also savvy enough that they learn to stop leaving visible marks, injuries and inflict only a type of verbal abuse that is difficult to explain unless you've experienced it.

Therefore, the abusers aim to make themselves the victims or act as though your anger at them and at the community that betrayed you is a fundamental flaw that you were born with. In my case, my supposed fundamental flaw is that I'm selfish and self destructive, even though ugh I don't even want to explain..

I can't think of the times when my mother would give me a sad, theatrical smile and mourn the fact that her worst mistake in parenting was that I was 'too spoiled,' when I lived in a drug infested neighborhood with very basic amenities, and moreover I wasn't allowed to present myself in an attractive manner, enjoy life or have hopes and dreams because she would get too jealous, all while I was being threatened with violence and emotional blackmail.

And this is all condoned if it is perpetuated by a parent in even if it would be considered heinous behavior if carried out by a friend or co worker.

*Some of us go back and beat ourselves up for being silent and not telling, yet when we think about it, even the school counselors and teachers who asked about our bruises, etc seemed to be asking more out of obligation than compassion. There were many parents aware of my abuse yet no one helped me. I guess I was right not to trust them. I guess I really was betrayed by my community.

Thankfully

It is all coming to an end.

I only have a few weeks left with my mother

But a lifetime to deal with the stigma of being a victim of such a set of parents

ugh

That's what is so frustrating

How do the others deal with it?

One woman said she was tired of being judged because of it too

One person said (on cutting her parents off)

I may not like it but at least I can sleep at night

I feel strong enough to handle any questions about my family situation with grace and without any poisonous sense of guilt.

So I am not going to tell many people I was abused, because I value my place in society and I don't want to be alienated

But I'll help as much as I can outside of my personal life to develop kind of an activist alter ego to help reduce the stigma and help both abused children and abusers.

I think the key to ending child abuse is making the struggle public, because these individuals, the abusers, won't stop on their own and generally do not feel remorse unless they are public ally shamed.

That's the part I'd like to explore more

Some abusers became parents out of a sense of societal obligation

Some abusers are emotionally immature, and stunted? Can this be improved with medication and therapy? I'll never forgive my parents but maybe I could have if someone had reached out to them when I was younger than about 15 or16 ish. I know the turning point for me and if that hadn't happened I could have maybe forgiven them.

Some abusers enjoy inflicting pain on others, this could probably be addressed in therapy or a rehabilitation program.

Some abusers fee

This is important

My main abuser felt very unappreciated in life. Now, I have hated her so much in my life that it has been extremely difficult to feel any sense of empathy for her but from a pragmatic standpoint

As far as my own experience goes, the abusers in my life needed so much more love from other people as well as the ability to love and care for themselves

Anyway, practically speaking, it is good to give the abuser a sense of respect and admiration that they feel is lacking in their life

I mean I tried this in many forms, makeovers, fitness routines, i allowed her into my world to show her that I wasn't being selfish by pursuing my dreams just like everyone else who is lucky enough to have the opportunity

But for her, the idea that I even had that opportunity to be beautiful, smart, well liked and successful was unbearable. Even if its not like I'm even that amazing.

Why? I just keep asking myself why someone could be so cruel?

I know her fundamental reasons, her emotional immaturity, self destructiveness, self hatred, lack of dignity and purpose led to her abuse of me as a helpless child who shined through all of this for no apparent reason

Sometimes that was a source of pride for her. And then shed get jealous and upset all over again.

She is a typical person. I guess abuse is rampant. Ending the cycle is much more rare although I think people in my generation are going a better job than before, and luckily

Thanks to my friends, who have had a better set of morals than me,

Thanks to my exposure to that

I am adopting their values rather than the toxic baby Boomer values of my well the lady I lived with cant say the word. I guess biological mother is a term that works.

I've finally built up enough -----can't think of the word, basically what I'm trying to say is that I've had enough practice in shutting her out emotionally that the thought of cutting her off isn't half as scary as it used to be.

I don't care if I never see another cent of her money, even I had to be homeless, which luckily I don't have to worry about at this point.

In fact, it's like I finally see the direct equation: my bio mother egg donor lady's money=suffering

It's not like I can be in denial about it anymore. She could hold out 100k and I would run like I'd just been exposed to some kind of biological weapon lol no pun intended.

Her money is like a grenade. Her words are worse and I would never expose any family of mine to her.

I still feel very sorry for her though but obviously she hates being a mother for some unknown reason.

She's better off without me, not that I should care how she feels. I think she is really going to realize that I was not the source of her suffering when I'm gone.

She's spent the better part of her life blaming me for her suffering.

But I, stupid idiot that I am

I have improved her quality of life by leaps and bounds

She used me again

Great

I can't take that back

And she can just pretend her life was that good all along

She's not going to feel remorse

Because she used me up and threw me away

That's the truth....

I am an idiot

Why did I help her???????????????????

I should have left her alone in that rotting house.

Now she's a pampered monster which is so much worse

I am a complete idiot.

Ok. So I made an even bigger mess

I aided and helped my abuser have a much much happier life, by improving her businesses and home.

Why I am I so dumb?

She is not going to regret having lost contact with me, she has no use for me anymore

She had free labor to do the things totally beyond her limited breadth of knowledge

Now she doesn't even need me to prop her up and make her feel good about herself.

God I am so stupid

I thought I was helping myself when I was just screwing myself and my own credibility even more

I am so so o so so so so stupid

She will be so comfortable

For the rest of her life

Without me

The way she always wanted it

Having people praise her

With the work I've done

And they will never know who was really behind it

What have I done