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Thread: wife says she isnt physically or sexually attracted to me

  1. #1
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    wife says she isnt physically or sexually attracted to me

    Hello all, I stumbled onto this site when searching Google for “wife isn’t sexually attracted to me...” I had to register to put my situation out there and see what advice any of you may have.

    I am 35, and she just turned 32. Our situation is unique. Started dating when she was 15 (1996), she cheated on my while dating a few times, like prior to her graduating high school, but never after that or when married. We got married in 2001 and I moved us to North Dakota since I had just got out of Basic Training for the USAF and this was my first duty station. It was 18 hours from home and she was only 19 at the time. We had a girl in 2002, and we separated at the end 2004 because I was always overseas since the war broke out. I didn’t blame her, but could not do anything but sign the papers. We didn’t know it, but she was pregnant with my son at the time, and he was born in Aug 2005, and then we officially were divorced. Between 2005 and 2007, a guy got her pregnant and she had a son in January of 2007. He didn’t want anything to do with the kid so needless to say they parted ways quickly after he was born. I came home during the summer of 2007 after my 6 year enlistment was up because I wanted to be a Dad. I have a big heart and would include this baby because I knew my kids would not understand why he was treated differently, and honestly, I didn’t want them to experience that. As time went on, we fell back in love, and I bought a house for all of us. We lived together for a few years and re-married in November of 2011. We both wanted to be sure it would work. I am now in the process of adopting the littlest boy who will be 6 years old this January. So, there is our brief history in a nut shell..so now for the reason for my Google search...

    When we first got back together, sex was almost daily. But now, not so much, maybe once a month if I am lucky. Of course, we had our ups and downs. I got depressed and got help, but during that time, I became addicted to an internet game which shall remain nameless. I would spend a lot of time on this game, but it never interfered with the important aspects of life, such as kids games, school plays, holidays, etc. In turn, she went out on the weekends with my sister and started drinking a little more. (Usually she only drank beer on weekends, but now it was daily) It did however affect my responsibilities around the house. I simply did not help her out hardly at all. Even during this time, we had sex at least twice a month or more. She never really wanted to, but did so to appease me. The last week of October 2012, I realized that what I was doing was going to cause me to lose my family. So I manned up, told her I realized that I wasn’t pulling my weight and I wanted to change that. I gave up the game cold turkey and started helping her around the house. I did not expect the respect to come from her immediately. I expected her to wonder “when is he going to go back to sitting his ass in front of the computer again...” I can confidently say that I pull my weight and then some, and she would agree.

    It has now been a few months since my 180 degree change and things are soooo much better. Our relationship is better, the relationship I have with my kids is better, I am more social, I have taken my wife out several times. The thing I noticed is that I have an intense need for intimacy from her. So I approach her after the kids were in bed one night and laid my feelings out for her. Now she is not a big talker of her feelings, I mean, she absolutely does not talk about them hardly at all. Most times, I have to get her mad so that I know how she feels about something. She also hates to talk about sex. She has endometriosis, but it didn’t affect her very much, and painful sex hadn’t been a part of our relationship except when she was like 17. She had a laparoscopy and that seem to do the trick then. She may need it again, but I felt that it was necessary to disclose this medical info about her. I told her that I would like to be more intimate with her, but that I understood that the emotional disconnect would have to be rebuilt for her to “want” that too. I explained that I was in no hurry for sex, because I wanted us to both want it, and enjoy it, instead of this “hurry up lick here, now get on top and get yours and let’s get it done...” The two times we have had sex since my switch were great, I can make her orgasm every time clitorally no matter how much she drinks, but that was November 9th, and November 30th. The thing for me is that we have not had sober sex since we got back together in 2007. (I’m mostly always am sober, but she never is) Most of my efforts at intimacy all ended with rejection. I was not discouraged because I understood that I likely created this monster and I was going to have to turn it around. So I started paying more attention to what she was doing to see what I could do, and adjust my timing or you know, whatever I could change without creating a negative emotion from her.

    I began to notice that she never put her Iphone down. I thought the worst at first, maybe she was cheating. She always left her phone laying out while she was doing chores, or taking a shower, and although I know it may be wrong, I went through her call log and messages, but found nothing. I chalked it up to her compensating the time that I should have been having with her phone. She is always on facebook, pintrest, or playing games from facebook. (I mean, always, still to this very day) Anyway, one night I waited until the kids were in bed and we sat down and I asked her about the intimacy and the rejection. I told her that I felt like she wasn’t physically or sexually attracted to me and her response was (and I quote) “no I am not, but I also am not physically or sexually attracted to anyone..” I basically got upset because I knew this was bulls**t. I followed up with her favorite baseball player Matt Holiday, or Brad Pitt, and I explained the comments that I had heard her say regarding their looks, therefore her statement was false. She just shrugged her shoulders. I began to ask her about what turns her on, and she said “I don’t know.” I raised my eyebrows and asked the question again, and she gave the same response. I gave up, but I do NOT believe that s**t at all. I am more concerned with the not being physically or sexually attracted to me part, but am really upset that she will not tell me what does it for her.

    I myself am 5’9” and 190lbs, down from 203lbs before my 180 degree switch. I have a slight beer gut and man boobs from sitting on my ass all day at work, then sitting on my ass at home in front of the computer playing the game and drinking dark beer. I have been losing weight steadily though, I have reduced my drinking to maybe every two or three days. She is very attractive 5’8” tall and was 163lbs and after my switch she started Thinogenics and is now down to 151lbs, and still losing too. She usually keeps her hair short, but admitted to me that she knows that I like it long so she hasn’t went and got a haircut for that reason. This made me feel good. I just cannot get off of that physical/sexually attractive thing though. I told her that I would like sex at least once per week and she acted like it was the end of the world and even said that she could care less if she never had sex again. Now, she is on some hormone Norethindrone that keeps her period away, but it should increase her sex drive (according to her gyno), but it doesn’t. She smokes a pack of cigs a day and has about 4-5 beers everyday and around 8-10 on weekend nights. This depends on the day she has had and how late my sister stays each night. (my sister was engaged, guy had a drinking problem, she kicked his ass out, now she is at my house drinking every night too)

    I have talked with her regarding her smoking and drinking, but she goes on the defensive and says things like “just something else that’s wrong with ME huh?” I have tried so hard to make her understand that I care about her health, but that I also care about her image she portrays to our kids, but she continues with the previous statement. She told me that she was tired of hearing every week what I think is “wrong” with her or what she isn’t doing enough of (intimacy). Only recently I put my foot down and demanded that when we are talking about important parts of our lives, like relationship, or kids, that she put her Iphone down. She would be looking around, texting, writing a post or pinning even while we were talking about our sex life or whatever it may have been. I got furious and told her that was bulls**t and even though I haven’t been perfect, I do not deserve that kind of treatment. I explained to her that I was trying to get our life back to the good and it was a slap in the face to be talking to her and her not even so much as looking up at me.

    If its relevant, she is a 1st and 2nd grade school teacher at a private school ($25k), and I am in maintenance at a factory ($65k) so we don’t make a lot, but we have everything we want, and her parents are wealthy.

    So, I don’t know what else could be relevant but I would appreciate any comments or suggestions no matter how bad they may be.....

  2. #2

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    Your wife is an alcoholic. I would ask her to either enter treatment or you'll divorce her. If she gets sober, then worry about this, but she'll be a completely different person by that time, so it's completely possible this won't be a problem with the sober her. Can't believe she's taking care of kids. Scary.

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    I told her as nicely as I could that I thought she was a functioning alcoholic, to which she said no way and shrugged it off.... I am increasingly starting to care less about pissing her off and more about expressing my feelings even if I know it will piss her off. she doesnt get drunk everyday, I may even say, not even buzzed everyday, but yes I know there is an issue there.

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    Originally Posted by 180
    I told her as nicely as I could that I thought she was a functioning alcoholic, to which she said no way and shrugged it off.... I am increasingly starting to care less about pissing her off and more about expressing my feelings even if I know it will piss her off. she doesnt get drunk everyday, I may even say, not even buzzed everyday, but yes I know there is an issue there.
    But she drinks 4-5 beers every day and 8-10 each night on the weekend? That's an alcoholic. If she stopped cold turkey, she'd experience physical withdrawal. Only a matter of time until things get worse. Your kids will be in danger. She shouldn't be left alone with them. Time to stop being nice for your kids sake.

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  6. #5
    Platinum Member SpottiOtti's Avatar
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    Agree that your wife is drinking too much. Have you done much research on alcoholism? It sounds like she got into the alcohol while hanging with your sister when you were playing video games - if this is correct, then pulling her away slowly from your sister might help. You said it's only been several months since you gave up the video games and started helping around the house, but sometimes it takes couples awhile to recalibrate.

    When did the disinterest in sex begin with your wife? What do you think caused it? Your post implies that she does not communicate with you about what she's thinking or how she's feeling - maybe she lost sexual interest awhile ago but didn't say anything to you because that's not her style.

    Also, her lack of communication skills worries me. I believe that if you can't tell each other what pisses you off, scares you, and hurts your feelings, it's hard to have a healthy marriage.

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    Platinum Member becomingkate's Avatar
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    More than four drinks every day, while looking after kids...I'd say that is a slippery slope. Are those drinks back to back? I can'[t have more than two before feeling the effects, and I weigh a lot more than your wife.

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    I would say the disinterest came about before I started the video game. I think that he inability to properly manage stress is what caused it. She deals with 7-8 year olds daily, then comes home to our bunch that is 5, 7, and 10. So it was quite a bit for her. Talking about the way she feels in a peaceful manner is not her style, I have to pry. And yes it worries me, but part of me thinks that she does this so that I wont see her as a weak woman. It definitely isnt the way to be.

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    Originally Posted by becomingkate
    More than four drinks every day, while looking after kids...I'd say that is a slippery slope. Are those drinks back to back? I can'[t have more than two before feeling the effects, and I weigh a lot more than your wife.
    I would say that she cracks open her first beer at 5:30-6pm unless something is going on like a basketball game, or our daughter needs to go to dance. And no, not back to back she will spread those beers from this time to roughly 10:30-11pm. I say that because my sister is hanging out at our house because she has no where else to go. And my sister has been drinking daily for years. I directy contribute my wife's increase in alcoholic drinks to my sister. But, she is a big girl and can decide to slow it down or stop it. I have pondered speaking to my sister about this, I just do not want to ruin two relationships, does that make sense?

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    Originally Posted by 180
    I would say that she cracks open her first beer at 5:30-6pm unless something is going on like a basketball game, or our daughter needs to go to dance. And no, not back to back she will spread those beers from this time to roughly 10:30-11pm. I say that because my sister is hanging out at our house because she has no where else to go. And my sister has been drinking daily for years. I directy contribute my wife's increase in alcoholic drinks to my sister. But, she is a big girl and can decide to slow it down or stop it. I have pondered speaking to my sister about this, I just do not want to ruin two relationships, does that make sense?
    It makes sense from the perspective that you don't understand how to handle loved ones with alcoholism. They are ruining their relationships, not you. You are enabling their behavior and contributing to their demise by allowing this to go on in your house.

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    Originally Posted by pl3asehelp
    It makes sense from the perspective that you don't understand how to handle loved ones with alcoholism. They are ruining their relationships, not you. You are enabling their behavior and contributing to their demise by allowing this to go on in your house.
    I can see that now, and how does one go about resolving this? I do not feel like an ultimatum is the correct way to initiate this sort of conversation though. And when I do actually ease into this conversation, she will become defensive and pawn my intentions off on "something else that I dont like about her.." or "something else I want her to change about her..." or "something else that is wrong with her.." She simply will not see this as my approach to remedy a potentially serious situation impacting me and the kids.

    I do watch after the kids when I get home. She no longer goes anywhere with my sister, not even to the liquor store. She is aware that when my sister is at our house unloading her drama about her ex fiance doin this and that, that my wife will drink more. But, the fact remains that my wife doesn't think it is a problem.

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