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Thread: wife says she isnt physically or sexually attracted to me

  1. #21
    Platinum Member superfan's Avatar
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    Honestly I think you have much bigger problems than sexual intimacy in this relationship (Although her drinking may be a contributing factor)

    Your wife is an alcoholic - no ifs ands or buts. She may be "functioning" as you put it (ie. not flat out drunk all the time) but a habit of 4-5 beers every night and 8-10 on weekends is definitely NOT normal, and WILL cause her huge amounts of health risks (such as problems with the liver, etc.)

    I have lived with two "types" of alcoholic. My sister when she was drinking, was drunk almost all the time. Couldn't hold down a job, stole from us and/or manipulated others to get booze for her. My brother is a "functioning" alcoholic. Has two kids and drinks every single night to the point where he passes out. He is sober during the day (when he isn't sleeping.)

    My sister eventually recognized she had a problem, sought help and got her life back on track. My brother has yet to do so because he believes (like many others seem to do) that if he is not drunk "all the time" he is not an alcoholic.

    An alcoholic is ANYBODY who is dependent on alcohol. Period.

    The fact that she CAN drink 4-5 drinks without getting any kind of buzz is an indication in and of itself that she has a problem. My brother is to the point where he can drink an entire case now before it really starts to hit him.

    This is behavior that you NEED to deal with. You cannot ignore it because you have children. They are going to grow up with the impression that this behavior is normal. They could develop alcohol dependencies as well.

    I think there is a difference between a condition and an ultimatum. An ultimatum is where you tell someone "do this, or else". A condition is when you tell them what YOU are willing to do for a person, but set boundaries around it.

    I think you need to sit down with your wife (preferably at a time when you are both alone/away from the kids), take the Iphone from her so she HAS to pay attention (and her lack of doing so could be because deep down she knows what you are saying has merit) and talk to her without blame, but with honesty. Tell her you are worried about her health and hte fact that she refuses to admit she has a problem. Back yourself up by facts/statistics/research if you have to (including numbers for AA and Al-Anon)

    Tell her you WANT to work on your relationship, but will only do so under the following conditions:

    She recognizes/admits her problem and seeks help (genuinely)

    I would give a time limit for her to do this - you decide what you think is fair, but let her know that if she is not willing to meet your conditions, you are prepared to leave. Don't back down on that - you will need to do so if necessary to show you are serious. Sometimes it's only after hitting rock bottom can people realize what they have lost and start to change. I hope it goes well for you. Good luck.

  2. #22
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    Tvnerdgirl, thanks for your response. I do understand now that the effects of the alcohol is what is hindering our relationship. She does well at her job, she is active with her church functions, and we do a fundraiser for a childrens therapy center every year. She does not get drunk everynight, but at least one night on the weekend, she does. She used to want sex when she was drunk, and back then, since I rarely got it, I took it. But now, its like she is too drunk to do it. Her conditions on sex are that it must be night and the kids must be asleep. I have now turned my focus to dealing with her addiction first before proceeding with sober intimacy.

  3. #23
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    Did you ever read the AA book?

  4. #24
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    People love to blame alcohol for all the issues of the world. 3-4 beers a night does not make a poor communicator with no sexual interest. Otherwise the German population would be in trouble (and the Scots, and the Irish, and..).

    Some people do in fact behave totally differently when they're under the influence of a moderate degree of alcohol, but the vast majority lose their inhibitions and expose an exaggerated version of their true feelings (sometimes in an unhelpful manner surrounded by b.s., but the fact is there's truth at the root of it).

    So while it may be an issue that she would struggle to go a night without an alcoholic drink, if she is drunk and is not interested in sex, then I'd like to bet that when she's sober, she also isn't.

    It would be good if she would hold off on the drinking until after the kids are in bed. Maybe on Friday and Saturday night they can see her drinking a beer. If they see her drink every day, they will drink every day. If they see her drinking in moderation, they will drink in moderation. If they never see any drinking, that'll be the first thing they do when they leave home.

    Apologies I don't have any further advice

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  6. 01-21-2013, 05:05 AM

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