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Thread: wife says she isnt physically or sexually attracted to me

  1. #11
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    With so much dysfunction, it’s hard to know where to start. If something doesn't change, I would advise you to expect the absolute worst!

    She’s obviously very unhappy and your "same old" isn’t working.
    If you want to save the marriage you must stop treating her like a child. This means throwing all your old approaches into the waste can.

    You have to set her free...

  2. #12

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    An ultimatum is the ONLY way. Sure, ultimatums have a bad name, particularly in relationships, but this is different. If you don't believe me, and I don't blame you if you have no experience with addicts, do some research on your own or go to an al-anon meeting. Addicts are rabidly defensive, as you're observing. And usually in denial.

  3. #13
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    Originally Posted by pl3asehelp
    An ultimatum is the ONLY way. Sure, ultimatums have a bad name, particularly in relationships, but this is different. If you don't believe me, and I don't blame you if you have no experience with addicts, do some research on your own or go to an al-anon meeting. Addicts are rabidly defensive, as you're observing. And usually in denial.
    I have no experience with this sort of thing. My parents dont drink, neither do hers. Her two sisters do not drink much at all. I have always thought that my sister has had a drinking problem. I just didnt realize how bad it was until she booted her fiance out of her house for having a drinking problem. I guess the fact that he was hiding the hard liquor from her, and coming home completely hammered unable to talk is her idea of a problem.

    I do not want to give up on my wife, so I suppose the next best thing to do is talk to my sister and demand that she no longer bring beer to my house and make sure she leaves by 9:30pm everynight. I suppose I will no longer stop by the liquor store on my way home from work either.

    Damn, I didn't realize that this could be the root of our sexual problems.

  4. #14
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    An ultimatum can come in many forms. I personally think the "in your face" type is weak and a waste of time. She knows she has to be part of it for it to work.

    Consider soft/non-binding/hidden ultimatums:
    You – Hi honey how was you day?
    Wife - Okay, where were you? You're late!
    You – Oh, I had things to do.
    Wife – Such as?
    You – It’s okay, you don’t want to know.
    Wife – Yes I do?
    You – Well I was talking to my attorney/looking for a kid friendly apartment/talking to my Mom. Etc.
    Wife – Huh?
    You – Good night dear…

    Make sure you looked for an apartment/attorney or talked to your Mom!

    The ball is now in her court. If she can’t understand it… too bad. She’s not a kid.

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  6. #15
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    Originally Posted by Lester
    An ultimatum can come in many forms. I personally think the "in your face" type is weak and a waste of time. She knows she has to be part of it for it to work.

    Consider soft/non-binding/hidden ultimatums:
    You – Hi honey how was you day?
    Wife - Okay, where were you? You're late!
    You – Oh, I had things to do.
    Wife – Such as?
    You – It’s okay, you don’t want to know.
    Wife – Yes I do?
    You – Well I was talking to my attorney/looking for a kid friendly apartment/talking to my Mom. Etc.
    Wife – Huh?
    You – Good night dear…

    Make sure you looked for an apartment/attorney or talked to your Mom!

    The ball is now in her court. If she can’t understand it… too bad. She’s not a kid.
    That's a much better approach than what I was thinking. And I will keep this in mind for sure, I really hope it doesn't come down to this, but nevertheless, thank you for your advice, all of you.

  7. #16
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    I'm curious, besides sex, how is the rest of your relationship?

  8. #17
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    I do not want to give up on my wife, so I suppose the next best thing to do is talk to my sister and demand that she no longer bring beer to my house and make sure she leaves by 9:30pm everynight. I suppose I will no longer stop by the liquor store on my way home from work either.

    Damn, I didn't realize that this could be the root of our sexual problems.
    I'm actually more worried about your kids, watching them drink every night and all weekend. My late husband drank himself to death, and because of his drinking, our sex life was non-existamt for the last year he was alive. He used to drink a few beers every night until it got out of hand.

    It's important for the kids to know that this ISN'T normal or acceptable.

  9. #18

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    Originally Posted by 180
    That's a much better approach than what I was thinking. And I will keep this in mind for sure, I really hope it doesn't come down to this, but nevertheless, thank you for your advice, all of you.
    I don't think this is a good idea at all. You want to stay married, right? You want her to get better, right? So you need to give her a chance. She needs to know you're giving her an opportunity to make some changes. You definitely have to be very clear about what will happen if she doesn't change, but if you follow this other approach, it's going to sound to her like you've already decided you're leaving her regardless of what she does. If her parents didn't/don't drink, she may not be aware how deep in it she is - just like you didn't. She'll need support from you, but the support is conditional on her going to rehab - you have to be firm and clear on that. Not the time to be passive aggressive.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Centi
    I'm curious, besides sex, how is the rest of your relationship?
    It's actually not bad. After I made my change, she has been a lot better toward me and I know she loves me. We do things with our kids together, we laugh and have a good time. We make decisions together now, its just the intimacy that is lacking.

  11. #20
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    Originally Posted by becomingkate
    I'm actually more worried about your kids, watching them drink every night and all weekend. My late husband drank himself to death, and because of his drinking, our sex life was non-existamt for the last year he was alive. He used to drink a few beers every night until it got out of hand.

    It's important for the kids to know that this ISN'T normal or acceptable.
    I know this too and I convey that to the kids. She doesnt like it when I do it in front of her, but she knows its the truth.

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