Journey Toward Getting My Love Back

November 27, 2012

Entry 1:

A month ago my girlfriend left me after two and a half years of being together. The relationship was great in so many ways. Everyone said that we belonged together and that we fit. We both felt that way too. Our first date lasted 8 hours on a Tuesday night - even though we were both busy professionals because we didn't want it to end. We played by the rules and dated for a month before making outselves exclusive and we didn't have sex until we were exclusive. Because we were two desirable people, others tried to undermine our relationship and we promptly cut ties with those who were down for us.

I am an attorney in a large law firm where I work on average 70 hours per week. A few months after we got together, my firm picked up a major case and I was assigned to it. The case ramped my hours up to 100 per week. I was out of town 2 weeks out of the month. My girlfriend helped me through the tough work schedule and would visit me on weekends. She was understanding and strong. Eventually, I took another opportunity - a year long apprenticeship - about 5 hours away from where we lived. For a year and a half, we visited each other every weekend. She took the train; I drove up. We switched weeks for travel. She never once missed a trip.

There have been several deaths in our family that we have had to lean on each other for.

Because of my work schedule and the long distance relationship we have never really been able to get into a sexual routine. Most couples would do it I guess once every other day. We did that in the beginning, but when my job schedule became crazy and I was out of town a lot, we did it once to twice a week. Same thing when our relationship became long distance. The sex was often very good and very passionate. Still, there were other times where the sex was almost like going through the motions - she was tired having spent 6 hours on the train or I was tired having worked 16 hours.

The day I came home from our long distance relationship (and started again at the firm), she began law school. Two months later we broke up because of a lack of sexual chemistry.

At first, I thought there might have been someone else she wanted to be with, but it appears that there is no one. I'm sure she's had sex since we've broken up, but I've confirmed through several different means that there was no cheating.

It has been a month and one week since the breakup. She has told me that we can possibly be together in the future, but not the near future. She left the terms undefined. I have not begged for her back, but I have let her know that I would like to reconcile.

In the meantime, I have decided to go strictly no contact with my ex girlfriend unless she reaches out to me. The no contact will last until after my Birthday in mid January after which time I will make an effort to see where we are.

The effort to get my girlfriend back is really more about me becoming a better person:

1) I am working out fiendishly to get into shape.

2) I am writing extensively on a book I want published

3) I am working hard at my job and receiving positive feedback on my performance

4) I am dating other women, though this is difficult

5) I am developing a new style

6) I am talking to experts on balancing a healthy sex life with a demanding job

There will be journal entries on how I'm feeling each day. Some days I may not want to get back together with my ex. Some days I may want to. At the end of this journey - whether it be 3 months or 6 months, I will have gained closure as to this relationship and healing. But my gut tells me that this relationship is not over . . . not yet.

Thanks for sharing in my jouney,

~Galt~

November 28, 2012

Entry 2:

Last night after work, I went out with a lovely woman. We have been seeing each other for about a 4 weeks now. I met her two weeks after my Ex and I broke up. Things started off slow - we had dinner and hit it off. Since then we've done another dinner, some bar hopping, a movie and this past weekend she stayed at my place. We haven't had sex yet, but I think that is might be coming up soon. This girl is looking for a relationship and I really like her. My delimma is that I'm in love with my ex.

If my ex came back tomorrow, I'd leave this new girl for her. But, my ex isn't coming back tomorrow so it is almost a moot point. And if I stick with this girl and develop strong emotions for her . . . by the time my ex does come back, if ever, I would choose the new girl. I also don't want to hold up my life healing on my own especially if this new woman can help me heal. Part of this line of thinking is selfish because I am using another person to heal my own wounds. Part of me thinks this is normal and that many people do not get over an old love until a newer love comes into the picture.

The timing of the encounter also worries me. It has only been six weeks since my ex and I split. I don't want to be a guy that just jumps from relationship to relationship needing a woman in my life. That's weak. I want to be happy being by myself. I'm just not happy in my personal life given the fact that my ex and I have split.

The new girl has asked me to come over tonight, but I will decline. I am not ready just yet to go the full distance.

On the journey toward getting back my ex, I believe that being with the new girl will drive her back. My ex is extremely jealous. Extremely. She doesn't want to be and in her core she is a good person, but that's just who she is. The thought of me being with someone else "sickens" her and I could use the new girl to get my ex back. I decided against this because it isn't fair to the new girl and it is unbelievably manipulative. Even if I got my ex back this way, she would have been responding to something irrationally instead of getting back together with me on her own volition. Instead, if I get with the new girl I will not even tell my ex. She told me she didn't want to know about any women in my life.

The prospects of getting my ex back eventually seem solid, but extremely slim in the near term. She just doesn't have the time to process the breakup or give any thought to me. She also views the relationship through a negative lens. Though I am clear on all the amazing things I've done for the relationship, the past doesn't matter. It is all about "what have you done for me lately."

Therefore, I have come to the realization that I will not be able to get my ex back next week or next month. The earliest I think I have a shot is mid-January.

Here is the current plan of attack:

1) Go no contact until January 20. January 20 would be three months since the initial breakup. It would also be approx. 2 months of No Contact.

2) Get ripped/buff/etc

3) Date other people/let these blasted chemicals that have me under a spell get released

4) Check to make sure she is not in a relationship (use FB)

5) Send an email to open up the lines of communication

6) Go from there.

If she is in a relationship, then screw it.

~Galt~

November 30, 2012

Entry 3:

I find it difficult to concentrate at work. I am finding it difficult to get the thoughts of her out of my mind. Time creeps slowly throughout the day. No Contact is supposed to improve my mindset. Out of sight out of mind, but the problem is I don't want her out of sight I suppose. This is the girl I want to marry.

I have not contacted her, but I did send her a can of her favorite brand of popcorn that is not avaialble where we live. She will get it on Monday. I included a note tell her to enjoy snacking on the popcorn while she studied for finals. I did not include anything about gettign back together with her or an I love you. Just that message. I have no hope that the popcorn will make her want to be back together, but her love language is gifts. So I will use small, inexpensive gifts that I know she will like to my advantage.

I need some strategies to cope with the nights. This entire past week I have dreampt of my ex. Six weeks post breakup and I should not be dreaming of her. Last night, I intentionally made myself meditate on other things besides my ex to minimize the chances of me dreaming about her. The dreams were more vivid than ever last night. I still remember them.

In last night's dream, we were broken up and I went to her apartment to pick some stuff up. I explained to her that she was making a big mistake. She said that she often feels like that. I stroked her hair and began kissing her neck. At first she resisted, but turned to me and looked into my eyes for what seemed like an eternity. At one moment our emotion rushed together and we began kissing . . .passionately. I ripped off her shirt as she was making good use with her hands and to make a long story short, we made love. We also made war because the sex was raw, uninhibited and aggressive. It was also sensual and slow. It was like makeup sex mixed with tenderness.

After we made love, it was clear we were getting back together. We had broken some vases and she needed to go to the store to get a broom and some cleaner. I let her walk out the door and began to get worried because she doesn't drive. I ran to the bus stop to catch her so i could drive her. She wasn't there. I went back to her place and there she was with the broom cleaning. I helped her pick up and then we lay on the carpet looking at each other. I woke up and realized she wasn't actually with me and that I am still single.

I end up going to bed at around midnight and waking up at 5am and then sleeping on and off until 9. Before my ex, I would go to bed at midnight and wake up at 6:45 or 7:00 ready to conquer the day.

I need to be that guy again before I can get my ex back. I need to be the guy that is kicking ass at work, taking names and doing the damn thing. Once I'm that guy again, I can attract her or someone of similar quality to me again.

This weekend, I am going to rest. I need to get my mind back so I never have another unproductive week like the one i just had.

~Galt~

December 1, 2012

Entry 4:

I was supposed to go on two dates today. I canceled both of them. I wanted to rest after a week of work and focus on myself. I am worried that sending the popcorn to her will undermine my ability to get back together with her. It doesn't matter though because we are not together. I suppose refusing to send the popcorn wouldn't bring us together at all either. I am anticipating her response to the gift. She could be appreciative and it might trigger a memory. She may reach out to say thank you. She may be annoyed that I am sending her gifts. She might tell me to leave her alone or to not contact her. She may not respond at all.

I think that a thank you or a non-response would be the two best options. A thank you will acknowledge that she received the gift and allow me the opportunity to respond. If she does thank me, I will send a text about how I was in her home town, ate pizza at her favorite joint and thought of her briefly. This should trigger a memory in her mind of one of the best times we had.

I've decided that all my communication with her will be indirect instead of direct. What I mean by that is I am not going to bring up the relationship, but when I do communicate with her, I will use the opportunities to say innocuous things that should trigger positive thoughts of me and her and our relationship. After I communicate, I will withdraw for a while before another communication. For example, after this popcorn incident, I plan on no communication with her until after her birthday. Hopefully, though, she will initiate communication in the interim giving me another opportunity to respond with a text to trigger an emotionally positive memory.

If she does not respond, I will not bother her. I will just continue with no contact. If she tells me not to contact her, I will tell her that I am seeing someone and it is getting serious and I will not contact her anymore. The jealousy will eat her. She'll contact me.

We will see how it goes and I'll update this journal whether I have positive or negative responses.

~Galt~

December 3, 2012

Entry 5:

I stayed in most of the weekend. I felt like I needed a weekend just to me. No dates, no women, no friends. Just a weekend where I could be by myself and my thoughts. Most of the weekend was therapeutic, but last night I decided to go out with a girl. I got lost and ended up near my exes old neighborhood. I almost broke down. There was a strong urge for me to go by her apartment and say hello, but I was a afraid that she might have a man over or that I would see something that I did not want to see. I also thought that showing up unexpectedly would make me look like a stalker and so I resisted. Going out was fun, but after the dinner, I could not wait to get rid of the girl. I just wanted to go home and sleep. All throughout the dinner I kept thinking about my ex and how boring this other girl is. Sheesh!

Today is a big day. My ex will get the popcorn that I bought her. It may not seem like a big gift, but I know she'll find it very thoughtful. I also know she'll enjoy it. I just wonder if she'll appreciate it coming from me. Gifts are her love language and getting her flowers before has helped soften her up for reconciliation during a previous breakup. That breakup doesn't really count because it only lasted two weeks. This breakup has lasted three times as long so far. Hopefully the popcorn softens her up and we can have some real dialogue in the next month about reconciliation.

I have to admit that I am near my breaking point. I am a strong man, but I can only take so much of this. I know it is my choice to pursue her, but I think that if this last gesture doesn't get my anywhere, then I really have to accept reality, let her go and move on. If she comes back, it will be in time and on her own volition. I want to heal. I don't want to feel like this. But I promised God when he brought this women in my life that I would fight for her because I believe she is worth it. I still believe that. I believe she is a good person at heart.

But she might be changing. The way she dropped me wasn't in her character. I love her though and can't turn off my emotions like a facuet.

I will update if she contacts me positively or negatively. Until then, I'm out.

~Galt~

December 3, 2012

Entry 6:

The popcorn has been delivered to her residence. I don't know if she has gotten it yet. I have not received any word from her and I may never receive any word from her. I hope that the popcorn brings a smile to her face and she understands that I'm sending it to her because I love her and want her to be happy. I would've sent the popcorn whether we were together or not. She loves it.

I am anxious in waiting on a response - a "thank you," a "please don't contact me again," a "I made a terrible horrible mistake, can I come over so we can make sweet sweet love" (hey, a guy can dream!) I haven't contacted my ex - that is, I have not had a conversation with my ex, phoned her, texted her, gchatted her in over a week. It has been a tough week, but I think once you get past a week, you can pretty much get to two weeks and so forth and so on. If she doesn't make any effort to respond to my popcorn gesture, then I think I'll leave her alone until January where I will make another point of contact late in the month.

I have also bought this "Text Your Ex Back" program. I'm not going to use it on my ex - seems dumb and silly. The comments are all these desperate people trying to get their exes back by slowly creeping into their lives through text messages. It is a ridiculous concept and it made me laugh. However, I do think that there is some merit to making every communication count with your ex girlfriend. Instead of begging her back with communications and talk about how much you love her and will change, you should instead try to focus on the positive. That is why when (if?) my ex responds to the popcorn gift, I will follow up telling her how I was in her home town and enjoyed a slice of pizza at her favorite pizza place (this memory is positive beceause I helped her with her family and she told me she could never leave me after this trip).

If my ex doesn't respond to the popcorn, I will wait for approx 60 days before contacting her again. The due date on that communication will be late January. If she hasn't found a mate by then, she'll be very susceptible to my play since Valentine's day would be coming up soon. If she shuts that down . . .then I would have loved and lost. Oh well.

In the meantime: 1) I'm on month 2 of the insanity diet. I've lost 24LBS (combination of not eating and working out aggressively...Insanity while dealing with a BU is insane)

2) I've been on 9 dates. Lots of the girls like me. So I've still "got it" whatever that means.

3) I'm doing well at work, though last week was a disaster on the concentration front.

4) I'm getting into a basketball league because I love the sport

5) I'm hanging with family a good bit.

I think my ex and I are going to be back together, but I also think I'm a bit delusional. Only time will tell.

~Galt~

December 3, 2012

Entry 7:

She received the popcorn and sent me an email saying thanks for the popocorn and nice memory. It is really appreciated. I replied about being in her hometown and having the pizza she liked. She wrote back and told me very cool and great memories. She also thanked me for support during her exam period.

She was very cool, but I think that it didn't go as well as expected. I sent the popocorn and the email because they would evoke positive memories of us which they clearly did in my ex. I just don't like her using the word memory. It seems as if it is in the past. Something that was good but just a memory. So I didn't like her using that word in both those emails. But whatever word she used, it had the intended effect. She's got her favorite brand of popcorn which she hasn't had in 2 years and I also got an emotional trigger email in there.

She's got finals, so no more pushing from me. Now it is strict no contact. We'll see where the chips fall. I am not optimistic about the short term, but I am optimistic about our long term prospects down the line.

~Galt~

December 4, 2012

Entry 8:

Last night I found out that my ex blocked me from Gchat. This was a positive development because it shows that one she's thinking of me enough to block me and that there's some emotion there. If she simply was indifferent, as she's been acting so far, she wouldn't have blocked me. I have blocked her on facebook, Gchat (although I unblock her frequently for whatever reason - i never talk to her), etc. So I emailed her and asked why she blocked me and said that if the popcorn was crossing any boundaries, it wasn't meant as such. She said she really loved the popcorn and blocked me because I blocked her from all social media sites. She unblocked me and we shared some emails back and forth. They felt warm - not like the cold indifference she gave me when we initially broke up.

That being said, I don't want to read too much into simple emails. Getting my hopes up over this is akin to grasping at straws. For right now, my assumption is that she still wants to be broken up and she has not diverted from that stance. She has exams this week and next, so I'm sure she will be quite busy.

Last night was tough. I wanted to call her up and ask her for another chance. I didn't. That would have undermined the work we've put in the last couple weeks. The key here is easy does it. Cannot let myself be bogged down by emotion and beg her back. Gotta show her that I'm ok, working on myself, happy - but still thinking about her.

The amount of energy I am spending thinking about this is exhausting. I have to find a way to cope at night. I wake up in the middle of the night and cannot fall back asleep. Perhaps I should try a sleeping aid or something. The days continue to drag by and although I am dating casually, I have not found anyone that nearly compares to my ex girlfriend.

I still have her on that pedestal I suppose.

In any event, I think she thought about me more yesterday than she has since the breakup. I think I will be on her mind for a bit. I am hoping *crosses fingers* that no contact now will nudge her into reaching out in a positive way. We shall see.

~Galt~

December 4, 2012

Entry 9:

Although this is a solo journal, if you are following my journey and have any words of encouragement, advice, things I can be doing, questions . . . please send me a private message. I rely on the collective wisdom of everyone to plan my approach. Thanks for reading.

~Galt~

December 4, 2012

Entry 10:

I believe that I have an idea of my ex. I have an idea of who she is and what she meant to me, but I have to admit that she often made me unhappy. I was constantly scared to marry her or propose to her because I simply didn't think that we would work out in a marriage. I stayed with her because she was beautiful, but I honestly lost sexual attraction for her. I also stayed with her because she was comfortable. She is not a good person sometimes - she's hurtful and selfish. She says mean things and if she cannot get her way she becomes vicious.

My ex had a number of great qualities and she was often a great person, but she did not always make me happy. I am glad we broke up. I am happy we broke up. I think there are other equally if not more attractive women out there with a good education that I can attract. They may even be better for me. I also believe that MAYBE my ex and I are meant to be together, but it would not be healthy right now. I need distance. The way I have been acting over this girl is making me unattractive to ME.

So I think I've hit the point where I've got my mojo back. What she does in her life does not concern me, cannot hurt me and does not impact me.

I'm my own man ready to be scooped up by a beautiful woman.

Of course, if she calls . . .

~Galt~

December 10, 2012

Entry 11:

It has been six days since the last time I posted. So much has happened and then a lot of stuff hasn't happened. I've only had contact with my ex once. In the contact she told me she realized how much I am hurting, but she does not have what it takes to give me what I need to feel better right now. She said she is in survival mode right now and still has not had a chance to process the breakup. She told me that we can discuss over the holidays what should happen.

A girl I was seeing casually told me today that she has herpes. She had gone cold on me the last couple of days, and she told me that she believed I would stop talking to her once she disclosed her disease. Apparently, I said something about having to watch out for STDs in the city I live in. I had not had sex with this woman so there is no risk of exposure to me, but it just goes to show you. Of course, I decided to let this girl go. Her disease combined with my feelings for my ex really killed any chance that we would have. She appreciated the honesty, although she did insult me before we parted ways. Oh well.

I have made a decision to try to reconcile with my ex girlfriend. There are a number of different reasons that I am going to do so. First, I love her more than anyone. Second, I believe in her and her potential. Third, I think deep down in there she loves me too. I am going to try to reconcile by laying all my cards on the table and offering her a deal that she won't be able to refuse. Hopefully, the deal will nudge her to take a chance on the relationship and then I can rebuild the love and affection from inside.

See I haven't been too truthful on this forum. I hurt my girlfriend a great deal and she sees me differently because of something I lied to her about. Something that she took the blame for. It was personal and deep for me so I never revealed it to my ex, but it was selfish of me to let her believe something was wrong with her when it wasn't. The guilt ate at me and I finally told her and our relationship was never the same since. It culminated in her dumping me.

I will try to make amends for my mistake and win her heart back. She still is not in a relationship which is remarkable, but I'm afraid I have a limited amount of time with which to remedy this situation. I have to act fast. I will not contact her this week as I promised I wouldn't, but I will contact her next week and offer my thoughts and views.

I have been struggling this week for she is all I can think of. I wake up thinking of her, I sleep thinking of her, I am typing this thinking of her. She is not thinking of me. Nor should she be. She has a big exam tomorrow and she must be prepared.

I feel better getting this off my chest

~Galt~

December 11, 2012

Entry 12:

In my last entry, I put a lot of the blame on myself for the relationship, but honestly, I shouldn't. What I withheld from my ex was personal and it was deep. The fact that I told her should have made her open up more to me, but instead it pushed her away. One of the problems with my ex is that she cannot view the people that love her through a positive lens, but is drawn to people that do not care about her. I do not know what the pyschology of that is, but I do not like it.

I guess this journal is about winning her back, but I don't know that it is worth it. What would I be winning even if I succeeded? Would I be winning a temporary reprieve before she begins to lose feelings again and inevitably dumps me? Or would this breakup be the jolt needed to progress into marriage, kids, and a house with a white pickett fence and a golden retriever? While a part of me believes that if we get back together after this breakup, we will make it (after all, we've had our strongest months after breakups) there is also a part of me that believes her decision to leave is not just about law school and stress - but about me as a fundamental person. Sometimes I think that she may not love me anymore.

Those reading probably are disgusted screaming "of course she doesn't love you anymore, she dumped you." A point well taken friends. Still, I believe, or at least some part of me believes, that her actions are a response to the stimuli in front of her. She got to law school and did not know how to hangle the relationship and being in law school. She decided she wanted to get the law school experience and couldn't do that playing house with a guy on the marriage tract. Perhaps in her mind there would be plenty of time for love, marriage, and all that other **** in the future. Perhaps she was willing to risk what she had for some fun and hope that another guy would come along that was just as good later. This is a risk worth taking particularly at a time when a relationship is at its weakest and not its strongest.

If this is her approach, then why should I want her back? Why should I take her back? Why would someone love someone who would discard them and hurt them? Perhaps, it is true that I am no better than my ex. Perhaps I am also attracted to those that hurt me. What a sad pathology that is!

I have written her a letter. The letter is genuine and it lays all the cards on the table. It includes concessions that I think she will have a hard time refusing - like living virtually rent free. I am loathe to give this letter to her because even if it works, I would have won her back on the strength of a bargain and not on the strength of her love. Am I that desperate for her validation? I am willing to give all of me to her - as I had done before - but it must be earned and appreciated. Why if I do this, then in the future she will know that I am a pushover and she can engage in nefarious behavior without fear of consequence and maybe even gain a reward. If she develops that view of me, she will never feel attraction for me - only pity and my existence with her will be miserable.

The other approach is to do nothing and wait. Either one of two things will happen if I wait. The first outcome could be that she eventually calls. If she calls, we can engage in some banter and decide where we are in our lives and determine whether it is prudent to reconcile. The other thing that could happen is that I'd never hear from her again. She goes her way and I go mine. We would have shared two years together, but I suppose two years out of 28 leaves 26 where I didn't even know she existed. I guess that leaves the rest of my future where I might as well not know she existed. And from that perspective, the two years spent with her and investing in her seem like a waste. A big ****ing waste.

I don't know what I am going to do, but somehow I believe that if I send that letter to win her back in the end I'll just be the biggest loser. And if I do nothing, I will have lost her love and lost two years of my life. Or maybe there's a third option where she actually does process the breakup, realizes that she acted hastily, and wants to work things out. At the moment, however, that seems like the most unlikely of all the possible scenarios.

Tick, Tock, Tick, Tock . . . Time will reveal all.

~Galt~

December 12, 2012

Entry 13:

Today completes a week of no contact with the ex girlfriend. I guess that's something. So the ex and I have been broken up for 54 days and approximately 7 weeks. A week from now, and we will have been officially broken up for 2 months. I anticipate that my ordeal with the ex will end soon. She hasn't been stringing me along, but she has been allowing for there to be a glimmer of hope that we can work things out. That hope has fed into an inability to completely let go - though perhaps I should.

In any event, her exams end on Friday. No more school, no more stress, no more excuses. She'll be able to "process" the breakup and determine whether we can move forward together or not. The odds are not on my side here. I don't think she wants to make another go of it. I think she's having fun in law school and wants to just do that. Not feeling particularly optimistic about getting back together.

Tonight, I am going to relax and work out. Keep my mind off the ex. I'm going to leave the office early and order some chinese food. Yeah.

Not much to report today. My mood is fairly balanced. I'm going to work, I'm eating. . .

Baby steps.

~Galt~

December 13, 2012

Entry 14:

I miss my ex girlfriend. I miss her very much. And I have no control over what's going to happen to us. I now know why they say that those who care about the relationship the least have the power. The problem is, throughout the relationship I didn't get the sense that I was investing more. I mean I invested more money because I'm the guy and I made more, but she invested her time, money, and emotion as well.

I cried for the first time in a while this morning. It was brief, but it is still a recognition that my emotions over the breakup are still raw. My friends think that I'm fine - I don't talk to them about the breakup. I am known as an Alpha male and the mere fact that I'm writing a journal to process this would be seen as unthinkable. But beyond the mask of confidence, I am impacted by this breakup.

My ex girlfriend has had law school to distract her, but on Friday exams are over. The next week she goes home for Christmas. Hopefully when she processes the breakup, she will feel a fraction of what I'm feeling. The pain of losing someone dear - and for what? For momentary acceptance amongst peers that are mostly 4 or 5 years your junior? I don't understand why she is doing this. I don't understand the decision that was made.

But I have no control over it. I have no other choice but to accept it. I cannot force her to love me. I cannot force her to be with me.

Reading this journal, one might come to conclude that my life revolves around this woman. Certainly it did. We had our own lives and friends, but we prioritized each other. But my life now no longer revolves around her, although my emotions are being held hostage by the thoughts of her. My work life is going pretty well and I'm thankful for my job. It keeps me busy and the work offers periods of sustained distraction. I am watching some television lately. I normally never watched television because it seemed like a waste, but the distraction that television provides is nice. I am spending time with my brother, but all my other guy friends are married or working. I have really good guy friend in the city I just left to move here with my ex, but I haven't been able to see them since the BU. Girls were a distraction for a while - going out with them was fun, but the readiness wasn't there and I was often bored. So I've essentially stopped responding to the overtures of other women.

I am still less than two months into the breakup so one wouldn't expect me to be fully healed yet, but I am hoping to either reconcile or heal up soon. I feel like I'm going through a period of melancholy where my existence is moving from point A to point B, but has no direction or no purpose. I don't know where I'm going or why. I guess, it is just a sense of loss. I know that professionally I will be ok, but personally, I don't know if I'll ever find someone as beautiful AND accomplished to love me the way that she did.

I suppose there is the other issue that my parents are getting older and I wanted them to be around for a wedding and grandkids. I still have time, they both appear to be in good health, but mortality is a growing concern. I guess at age 28, I don't have a biological clock that is ticking. I suppose for a young man, I am still relatively young. I suppose I still have time, but I still feel unsuccessful and behind the eight ball in terms of what I view as success - having a happy marriage and family.

My exes exams end tomorrow. She obviously be busy studying today and tomorrow she will take that last blasted exam. The Day After Tomorrow until she begins her second semester will be the window that I will open myself up to reconciliation talks and action. If there has been no positive movement by then, then I am going to completely let go and begin the painful process of rebuilding a life without someone who has been an integral part of mine for so long.

I think, somewhat foolishly, that we will be together. There's no merit in the thought other than the fundamental belief that we belong together. That we've gone through too much and overcome so much not for us to work through our issues. But getting back together with her would not be a happy ending for me. Her recommitting herself in the same way she was before law school would be a success. If she truly is a different person - the person she seemed to be transforming into during this semester, then whether I get back together with her or not, I'm in for a lot of pain.

I'm hurting a little bit more than usual, but I am going to get off of this computer and go take my ass to work.

~Galt~

December 13, 2012

Entry 15

Tonight I will be watching the New York Knicks take on the Los Angeles Lakers. Afterwhich I will watch "Scandal" on ABC. To me, that's a night to look forward to. Minimal thought about my ex and maximum relaxation. I have revised the letter that I wanted to give her and I have also decided that I will give her the letter on Saturday morning. The letter is 12 pages! God bless her if she gets through all of it.

As emotional as my ex is, she is also a rational creature. I have replayed every conversation we have had since the breakup. The first thing she told me was she feels like she could be making the biggest mistake of her life. Since she hasn't gotten back together with me for two months, it probably hasn't registered with her whether it is a mistake or not. Then there's the stuff about sex and how there was never any chemistry and a bunch of other bull**** she made up because she wasn't happy at the moment in the relationship.

The letter has three parts: 1) How to make the relationship easier if we decide to resume it; 2) Addressing her concerns and why she left; and 3) why we should stay together. Section 1 is designed to get her thinking about the possibilities that open for her if she stays with me - the short and long term financial gains she'd receive, the places and travel, the accesss to events. Basically, it is about what is in it for her. I want her right away thinking, well damn, maybe I should go back. The second part address her concerns about the person she was becoming, the lack of sexual chemistry, and the fading attraction. Here I'm a little more methodical, and pull out love letters and things she's said and written to me over the years that demonstrate she has the passion, chemistry, etc. I handle the fading attraction by noting that the honeymoon stage is over, demonstrating that the other men she finds so attractive would be unattractive if she saw their faults every day for 2 years, and going through the stages of the relationship. I bruise her ego a bit by telling her I find other women attractive, but how I consciously find ways to find her attractive after 2.5 years. At this point the game is all about mindset. The sexual stuff is a bit more personal, but I think she'll dig it.

The final part of the letter is why we should stay together despite our problems. Here is is just going through our history, our conversations, the agreements about children and finances and everything that breaks up a marriage that we've already agreed on.

I end by simply asking her to recommit and asking her to coffee to discuss.

After I press send, there's no going back. I'll wait until she contacts me to discuss and then I will post what happens - positively or negatively.

~Galt~

December 13, 2012

Entry 16

The letter will be a no go. The ex and I talked tonight and we had a long conversation. A lot was said. But the gist is she isn't ready to get back together. She says the future stuff again, but right now, she isn't ready. She's not looking for a relationship at all. But its a no go for right now. I'm going No Contact to heal...and so this journal will be more about my progress in healing that anything else. I will update the journal frequently about new girls, stuff at work, my feelings, if my ex contacts me, and life in general. I will stop posting once I have completely healed. I think that this will take a while, but we will see. I don't regret waiting two months to see what would happen. I feel like I did all I could. She is simply not the one for me. I have to accept that and find the one who is.

~Galt~

December 17, 2012

Entry 17

I was going to send a letter to my ex giving her the option of moving in with me practically rent free. I knew she was paying a lot in rent and the price of her apartment was crushing. It was manipulative, but the letter also included a number of pages about why we should be able to work. Anyways, on Thursday the ex and I had a conversation. The first thing she told me was that she was moving this weekend into another apartment. UGH! When she told me that, it was like a punch to the gut. Now I had no leverage.

Still, I laid my cards on the table and asked for her to come back to the relationship. She said she is not ready to get back into the relationship. She does not know if she will come back. And does not want to lead me on. She told me that she has not ruled out coming back, but cannot make any promises and that I should move on. She does not want to hold me back. She told me the breakup has been hard on her and she has been sad, but that she can't be with me right now. Again, she reiterated that she's not looking for a relationship and is looking to be on her own.

Given these developments, I have decided to listen to my ex and move on the best I can. I have not seen her in about two months, but I have not gone more than 10 days without contact (although contact has never been more than once a week). Now it is time to go no contact and force myself to really do it.

There are several reasons: 1) What I don't know cannot hurt me. If I go no contact, I do not have to worry about finding out that she's seeing someone else or that there's some new development in her life. If I can keep my curiosity in check, then I may be able to avoid heartache down the line.

2) Out of sight out of mind? The more I refuse to contact her, the better off I'll be. She's like ****ing Bobby Kennedy because everytime I talk to her she gives me these tiny ripples of hope. The hope is setting me back. I need to have the mindset that she ain't coming back. I need to get used to the idea that she does not exist. A figment of my imagination.

3) Going cold turkey NC right now will probably be shocking to her. She's also supposedly going to reevaluate over the christmas holidays. I don't give a rat's ass. I'm on my own timetable now. I'm going to heal - if it takes 2 weeks good. If it takes 2 more months, fine. But I am not going to care whether she wants to get back together or not. If she comes back after rejecting me all this time, then she's going to have to have some serious conversations with me. We would need to talk constructively about how to make this work.

In any event, I have decided not to put my life on hold for my ex. I am going to heal and get over this relationship. Then I'm going to open myself up to meeting someone who might be right for me. I survived for 26 years without knowing my ex. No idea she existed. And I was happy without her. Not concerned with her. She is someone I'd like to be with but not someone I need to be with. I do not have kids with her. I do not have a house or mortgage with her. I do not have any entaglements with this person that could ruin my life or finances. I just have to keep moving forward.

A word about Connecticut...sometimes tragedy can put our own grief in perspective. My pain though real is nothing compared to those good folks who lost children. The least I can do is show strength to move on while those folks are showing superhuman strength to try to rebuild their lives. Sometimes we can view our own lives in a bubble, but there's so much going on out there.

~Galt~

January 2, 2012

Entry 18

On December 19, 2012, my ex and I had a really heated gchat exchage in which I got a lot of stuff off my chest, but it did not make her too happy. I said some mean things, but you know, I was hurt. The next day I sent an email apologizing. She then texted me saying she wanted me out of her life and she was blocking me permanently from Gchat. She then called and went in on me pretty hard calling me pathetic and telling me she was over me months ago. Said she only talked to me to be civil and wanted me to find someone else. She ranted and ranted, and just listened to it. She told me she was done with me and was blocking me on gchat. About three minutes after the phone conversation, she texted me and said she just had to protect herself and didn't really think I was pathetic. We had a good text back and forth and ended on friendly terms. She ended up not blocking me, but I blocked her. I didn't speak to her again until today when I unblocked her and wished her a happy birthday. She thanked me.

The Christmas holidays were great. I went to my hometown and saw my family and some really good friends. It was great being with them. My one best friend and I had such a good time that for a while I felt like I was over my ex.

Last friday, a girl I am starting to get to know came to town. We spent the weekend together and New Years. Everything was good until NYE, but then I started thinking about my ex. Same on New Year's day. I didn't wish my ex Merry Christmas, happy new years or anything like that. Yesterday, my ex liked a photo of mine on facebook which was of us last new years. I'm confused and don't know what to think. Why did she like the photo?

I have a gut feeling she wants to come back, but I have no evidence to corrobrate such a theory. The only thing I can do is keep no contact going.

~Galt~

January 3, 2012

Entry 19

Over the holidays, I felt like I was over my ex. I didn't think about her very much and I did not much care what she was doing over the holidays. I was with some of my closest friends and while I was with them and my family, it was like she did not exist. I thought of her occasionally, but it was not out of nostalgia, but just a thought. My mind had become exhuasted thinking of her and I was fine. I was turning a corner with the breakup.

I even felt like I was ready to move on to another person. I hung out with a lovely lady for new years. She is gorgeous. Last night I hung out with another beautiful lady. I have to be honest with myself, I am not ready to get back into the game. After 2.5 months of being broken up, I should be ready, but I'm not. I need more time. I need more time. I need more time.

Also, since NYE, I have been longing for my ex. With the exception of wishing her happy birthday, I have not engaged in conversation with her since before the holidays. What's the point? I have to admit that I read stories about people getting back together after 6 months or a year apart and I become excited. I want that to be me. I also have thoughts about her coming back and us apologizing to each other for our roles in the demise of the relationship. Sometimes I try to speak it into existence - the Secret style. I've prayed to God to bring her back to me.

Nothing has worked so far and I'm not desperate enough to buy a spell. So if she comes back, it will probably be because she wants to. I don't see that happening in the near future. She is too proud and too strong. She had her reasons for dumping me and she probably figures what's the point of going back now?

I haven't had dreams of her in a while - that's good. At least I can get peace in my slumber. I do wake up thinking about her again. . .

~Galt~

March 16, 2014

It's been well over a year since I posted. After my last post, my ex started to move on. She blocked me from GChat and we didn't communicate. I would text her and she would ignore me. One day I emailed her and she responded only to tell me she had a new bf. I never contacted her after she told me that.

I started seeing other people too. About 8 months after the breakup I saw my ex on an online dating profile. Her and her bf must've broken up. I asked her on a date. She accepted. We had fun. Went on another date. Then another. Then a vacation. Next thing we know, we were back together

Now it's been over 9 months since we've been back together. Everything is great. We're engaged to be married

Reflecting on this journal, it was the outlet of someone who was emotionally hurt and immature. I have grown and now know that you have to go through the process. In many ways I regret putting everything down here and embarrassed at the person I was. But in another way, it shows me how much growth I've had throughout my early years as an adult. I guess I got my love back, but it wasn't through manipulation or tactics or strategy. None of that works. I got her back because it was meant to be. Cheers!

~Galt~