Getting closer...

After a lot of research, I have decided upon a method with a high effectiveness, but most available to me. I have drafted a goodbye note to my family, for whom I have become a burden, which only adds to my daily agony.

All that is left is to settle on a time and place of my choosing.

I'm here if you want to talk.

John,

you must be feeling pretty desperate. It is the human condition to survive, not kill ones self. Sorry you're feeling badly. It really does get better. You should seek professional help. You would devastate your family.

John please come talk to us. Please.

As someone who once attempted and failed (obviously), I know the feeling when your parents come to see you in tears in the emergency room... not a good feeling. However, it is 7 months since that terrible day and Im doing much better. Whatever is troubling you, I advise you find comfort in talking to those you can trust. If nobody in your personal life, then there are several people on ENA who will take care and listen to you. Im one of those but there are so many more. There will be at least one who will relate to you directly. This site has contributed so much to my and many others healing. It can and will help you, and so will others if you let them in

I just watched this video and I really really liked it. I pretty much scour the Internet all the time and I feel like I know the Internet inside and out, but this is actually an awesome video.

link removed

Please reconsider this option as there is always another way. Read the note back to yourself as though it is your own son/brother saying goodbye and how you would feel to know it is too late. The pain might be over for you but it is those closest to you that suffer for a lifetime afterwards. There is always another way, John, you know this deep down as you would not be writing on a forum. If this is one last call for help - then many have answered and are ready to help you.

As a mother, sister, wife, I can tell you that I have never felt my child, brother, husband is a burden.

Don't let your thoughts bluff you into thinking that, or that there is no other way out.

Millions of people come back from the edge, all you have to do is reach out to your family or a doctor and let them do their job...

Ten years ago after abusive parents and an equally abusive partner, I was close to ending it all. I mean close. My story has had many tell me they would have felt the same suffering the things I did. I've struggled with depression, so I totally understand John. But, something stopped me. There's another way John. If you need to talk reach out. Don't devastate your family. I don't know your spiritual beliefs but ending your own life renders your soul in limbo.

Aside from that im just here to say you aren't alone and you will get through it. Seek professional help, therapy works. 10 years on I have a baby and a toddler and every reason to live. Please believe you will get through this xx

It really does get better.

Why do we tell ourselves these lies?

No, it doesn't "get better" -- not for everyone anyway. For some people it gets better; and for others it doesn't, and they are in agony for the rest of their lives. It's that simple.

But that's an uncomfortable truth, so we tell ourselves lies like "It gets better," when that is clearly not the case for everyone.

It reminds of me of another comforting lie we tell ourselves: "There's someone out there for everyone."

Well, no, there isn't. Some people are alone for the rest of their lives. Some people are okay with that; others are not. But at least they have confronted the truth, and have not swallowed the lie.

We paint our reality with these comforting lies in order to make an ugly world more bearable to look at. Because we know, deep down, that if we stopped spouting these mindless cliches we would have to confront the truth: No, it doesn't always get better, and you are always in pain. No, you may never meet someone, and you are forever alone. No, you might not accomplish that dream, and your talents are wasted. All of these for reasons that might not be your fault, that are completely out of your control.

If we acknowledged that, we would have to confront the only remaining question: Are you okay with that?

Deep down, we don't want to confront that question, because many of us are not okay with that. We like to think we are in complete control of our fate. So we tell ourselves the comforting lies that obscure The Only Question That Matters: Are you okay with that?

I have simply decided I am not okay with my endless suffering.

because it's a choice. not every aspect of your life is miserable. I suffered from crippling depression and made a CHOICE to change my life. I was tired of living like I did.

"No, you might not accomplish that dream, and your talents are wasted. All of these for reasons that might not be your fault, that are completely out of your control."

yeah, thats a bummer, but I want to know that I tried. I try to not get too overwhelmed and just take it day by day, hour by hour. Maybe a book about being mindful would be helpful to you.

if you want to end your life that's fine, but do it for yourself and not the people around you. I think you know thats not true.

I agree with everything you've said here. I've had those same exact thoughts as you. I stumbled upon this somewhere on the internet and it gave me a new perspective, maybe it'll do the same for you:

"The point that I am making is that no matter what the world thinks or does, it is ultimately your choice to either give up or fight. The world will go on doing what it does. You have little or no power over what others do or think. But you have the ability and the responsibility to make your own choices. You can give up and live in frustration and self pity. I'm not going to try to stop you. But you need to recognize that this is a choice that you are making. No one is forcing you to give up.

The alternative is to not allow others to define who you are or what you can achieve. This is the harder choice. It is painful and much of the time you will want to give up. It will always be difficult. But it can get easier with time and experience. What you are facing is indeed a difficult and upsetting situation. I am not denying that what you have to contend with is difficult. But if you face the battle early, you have a chance of surviving it in the long run.

No matter what you do, your life will have pain. If you give up now, you save yourself the pain and effort of fighting, but you will still have the pain and frustration of lost dreams. You don't want that kind of regret. Maybe you will fight your entire life and still never get what you want. Maybe at the end of your life, you will realize you fought, but never won. But at least if you fight, you won't regret it. You may lose, but then again, you may succeed.

It is your choice, but I suggest, that you don't give up. "

So...what I'm trying to say is that life isn't about the end result. It's not what you end up achieving. It's about the fight. Enjoy the fight I used to be really hard on myself (as in very results-oriented) but now I focus more on the journey.

Look at all these people pleading with you, telling you that things will get better.

Personally, I have never suffered with depression. I have made the choice not to let things ever get that bad. I've suffered loss of family to cancer, loss of opportunities that could have majorly changed my life, finding my girlfriend of 3 years cheating... I've never fitted in to the "popular" bracket, but I don't take the few friends I have for granted. I have my laughs where I can, and suck up the bad points in life knowing they make me stronger.

I'm actually not going to tell you not to go through with this, as that too is your choice. But it is your family's choice to have to identify you, mourn you, be at your funeral, cry over you and spend the rest of their lives knowing that they could not prevent you from doing what you've done? The hospital staff who have to see your body and discover how you've decided to do this, the police staff who have to investigate your death and your family... the amount of people this effects... none of them want to see this, or to know that you've done this to yourself...

No matter how bad things get, that's something I could never do to another person, put them through all that to let me escape, your problems just get shared around multiple people.

@lobster555:

I can probably respect that view a lot better. But the truth is, I gave up seven years ago. One might say I died seven years ago. What I have been experiencing since is really just a living death. I used to have the kind of hope your post describes. Not anymore. It slowly, gradually bled away. Life isn't about the end result? That statement has no meaning to me, because I haven't been living life. I have been enduring a living death, a black nothingness which has swallowed my whole being. I have been in a state of suspended animation, frozen out of life. I can't fix it. No one can, and it's time I accept that.

I'm actually not going to tell you not to go through with this, as that too is your choice. But it is your family's choice to have to identify you, mourn you, be at your funeral, cry over you and spend the rest of their lives knowing that they could not prevent you from doing what you've done? The hospital staff who have to see your body and discover how you've decided to do this, the police staff who have to investigate your death and your family... the amount of people this effects... none of them want to see this, or to know that you've done this to yourself...

As for the hospital staff and police staff, that's their job. Of course they're human and it effects them on some level, but at the end of the day, it's their job. So, if they can't handle it, then they should look for another job. That's not my problem.

As for my family, yes, it will hurt them. I can't help that either. I can only explain in my letter some of the reasons for my decision. I can at least do that, which I am doing.

If you care about your family, you should spend some time researching what impact this is going to have on them. If you knew, for instance, that it would ruin their lives and happiness, would you not be willing to carry on your existence for them? Or is it just about you? I've had a family member commit suicide. I'm positive he thought we'd view the situation differently after the fact than we do in reality - all kinds of wrong.

I had a friend do it too. Funny, but it's actually nobody's 'job' to clean your brains up from the walls of your apartment - in my friends case, his mom got the honor of doing that.

...would you not be willing to carry on your existence for them?

No, I would not. If my existence is too painful to endure, then it is not reasonable to expect me to live just for the sake of people who are not dependent on me. I have no wife and no children.

I had a friend do it too. Funny, but it's actually nobody's 'job' to clean your brains up from the walls of your apartment

The method I have chosen wouldn't result in that anyway. The "clean-up" would be quick.

We paint our reality with these comforting lies in order to make an ugly world more bearable to look at. Because we know, deep down, that if we stopped spouting these mindless cliches we would have to confront the truth: No, it doesn't always get better, and you are always in pain. No, you may never meet someone, and you are forever alone. No, you might not accomplish that dream, and your talents are wasted. All of these for reasons that might not be your fault, that are completely out of your control.

And how do you know that your version of reality is the correct one? You think you're being objective? Nonsense. Because the vast majority of those who commit suicide are depressed, and I think if you are honest you will admit you are depressed too. So how do you cope? Do you keep on trying to find a way to deal with your depression or give up? What would you do if you were a divorced single mother of four? You'd damn well fight because you had to.

There are very few completely hopeless situations, but in reality few fulfill their dreams. Well the thing about life is that it brings us to unexpected places, sometimes against our will, and often it can be the right thing in the end. But you have to fight for it, and sometimes you have to fight way past the point that you're tired of it, and then you have to fight again. Life isn't about winning, sometimes it's just about surviving. But there are things worth living for, and you need to fight for them.

We paint our reality with these comforting lies in order to make an ugly world more bearable to look at. Because we know, deep down, that if we stopped spouting these mindless cliches we would have to confront the truth: No, it doesn't always get better, and you are always in pain. No, you may never meet someone, and you are forever alone. No, you might not accomplish that dream, and your talents are wasted. All of these for reasons that might not be your fault, that are completely out of your control.

 

If we acknowledged that, we would have to confront the only remaining question: Are you okay with that?

This shows exactly how green to the world you are. Do you know how many buddhists live on this planet? Do you know what they all agree on? And for how many generations accross centuries? Exactly what you just said here - all life is suffering. They all get along just fine acknowledging that suffering is the only sure thing in life.

Like you just discovered something on your own...

Sometimes it's not all about you dude.

This shows exactly how green to the world you are. Do you know how many buddhists live on this planet? Do you know what they all agree on? And for how many generations accross centuries? Exactly what you just said here - all life is suffering. They all get along just fine acknowledging that suffering is the only sure thing in life.

 

Like you just discovered something on your own...

 

Sometimes it's not all about you dude.

Sorry, try again. One of my best friends is a Buddhist. (Or at least he was my best friend. We haven't talked in over a year.) I am well aware of their philosophy.

As for your comment, it's real classy of you come in this thread spout insults about how "green" I am, or call me "dude" or whatever other crap is cooking in your brain right now. I'm glad for one thing: When I am gone, I won't have to put up with people like you anymore.

As for your comment, it's real classy of you come in this thread spout insults about how "green" I am, or call me "dude" or whatever other crap is cooking in your brain right now. I'm glad for one thing: When I am gone, I won't have to put up with people like you anymore.

Seriously? Someone on the internet says something you don't like, and that's part of your rationale for suicide? Do you not see how messed up your thinking is right now?

Seriously? Someone on the internet says something you don't like, and that's part of your rationale for suicide? Do you not see how messed up your thinking is right now?

Please. It's far from being my "rationale," since I have been thinking about this for a long time. I was simply making the point that Mr. I'm Not Green up there crossed a line for me.

Not having to deal with people who presume how "worldly" I am is just an added bonus to ending my life.

It's still ridiculous. You can't take a little bit of criticism (which you're not shy of dishing out yourself). You'd subject your family to the horror of a suicide because you refuse to deal with day-to-day life issues? pl3asehelp is right, it's not all about you, and whatever way you twist the argument, you are not right. You're never going to convince anyone but yourself that it is the right, rational or responsible thing to do. It's not about right, or reason, and you can't make it so.

It's still ridiculous. You can't take a little bit of criticism (which you're not shy of dishing out yourself). You'd subject your family to the horror of a suicide because you refuse to deal with day-to-day life issues? pl3asehelp is right, it's not all about you, and whatever way you twist the argument, you are not right. You're never going to convince anyone but yourself that it is the right, rational or responsible thing to do. It's not about right, or reason, and you can't make it so.

The funny thing is, I haven't really tried to convince anyone that this is the "rational responsible thing to do." It's you all who have tried to tell me that I am being irrational or irresponsible. That's fine. But I think it takes a lot to argue that someone should continue an existence that they find too painful to endure.

And don't try to tell me I can't deal with "day-to-day issues," and that's why I have made this decision. You know nothing about me or what "issues" I have dealt with or what has led me to this decision. So just stop with that.

That commenter's criticism is what was ridiculous. It was condescending and uncalled for. But you don't have a word to say about that. That's fine. I didn't expect as much. It doesn't matter anyway. Like I said, I won't have to deal with it.

@lobster555:

 

I can probably respect that view a lot better. But the truth is, I gave up seven years ago. One might say I died seven years ago. What I have been experiencing since is really just a living death. I used to have the kind of hope your post describes. Not anymore. It slowly, gradually bled away. Life isn't about the end result? That statement has no meaning to me, because I haven't been living life. I have been enduring a living death, a black nothingness which has swallowed my whole being. I have been in a state of suspended animation, frozen out of life. I can't fix it. No one can, and it's time I accept that.

 

Do you remember what happened that caused your hope to bleed away? Was it a specific incident? I'd love to learn more about you. Would it be possible if you could write up a list of all the things that bother you? I don't care how long, 3 pgs, 10 pgs, 100 pgs. Haha.

What kind of work do you do? Do you have anybody to confide in real life? Are you on antidepressants or currently seeing a therapist?

Do you remember what happened that caused your hope to bleed away? Was it a specific incident? I'd love to learn more about you. Would it be possible if you could write up a list of all the things that bother you? I don't care how long, 3 pgs, 10 pgs, 100 pgs. Haha.

 

What kind of work do you do? Do you have anybody to confide in real life? Are you on antidepressants or currently seeing a therapist?

So do I actually, it's not that I don't believe you at all, I just want to know what must have happened to you for you to want to end your own life? You seem very easily agitated, I don't think the commenter you got offended with wanted to offend you at all. We all have different ways of talking to people with these issues. But anyway, I'm glad Buddhism has been brought up, I actually turned to Buddhism 3 years ago (I was brought up with His teachings only) and it probably saved my life. I have never been in the situation you are in now - where I have next to definitely given up hope on anything else. I've had these thoughts before, oh yes. There was a reason for that, it was drug addiction and the come-downs had become permanent if I wasn't high. That absolutely sucked. I wanted to die every day when I was coming off them, and I had all the same thoughts you are now. It's just a state of mind : just tell yourself that. There isn't any going back if you go the way you want to right now. I just want to know, what destroyed your need to live, your joy of life? And please, let's stop with the insults. Just because someone is happy in life doesn't mean they are unintelligent, and blind to the horrors of the world. We're not being lied to, this isn't some conspiracy where the reality is Hell on earth. The gift of life is absolutely amazing, and in my opinion some people waste that. If you have had none stop pain for 7 years then suicide is the cowards option because it has been SEVEN years. And nothing else has been done about it? You must be open to the possibility of mental illness, that is what depression is and if you don't leave it too long, it can be cured and you can get out of this nightmare.