You've given me a whole lot to think about and I'm not sure I have the answers right now, but I may post an update when i have thought about what you said some more.
I think I have only recently started to accept that I can't control the outcome of this break-up or control his emotions and actions. I clearly have some more work to do on that but I think your comments will help me to avoid contacting him again.
For so long I was so caught up in being convinced that this had to have a 'happy ending' to make it all worthwhile, that I've tried to push for that, whilst forgetting that it takes two people to be in a relationship.
You are absolutely right. He has been repeatedly cold and dismissive, but I kept brushing it under the carpet and coming back for more.
I have a lot to think about right now. Everyones responses have thrown up many probably more important questions than the ones I raised in my (admittedly) long post.