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Thread: I fell in love with a married man. He has left his wife and now me too...

  1. #11
    Bella Donna
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Wow Itsallgrand,

    You've given me a whole lot to think about and I'm not sure I have the answers right now, but I may post an update when i have thought about what you said some more.

    I think I have only recently started to accept that I can't control the outcome of this break-up or control his emotions and actions. I clearly have some more work to do on that but I think your comments will help me to avoid contacting him again.

    For so long I was so caught up in being convinced that this had to have a 'happy ending' to make it all worthwhile, that I've tried to push for that, whilst forgetting that it takes two people to be in a relationship.

    You are absolutely right. He has been repeatedly cold and dismissive, but I kept brushing it under the carpet and coming back for more.

    I have a lot to think about right now. Everyones responses have thrown up many probably more important questions than the ones I raised in my (admittedly) long post.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member lavenderdove's Avatar
    Join Date
    Apr 2009
    You cannot build a solid house on shaky ground. And essentially, this man IS shaky ground because he is a liar and a cheat. That is who he is, and if he will lie to his wife and cheat on her, he will do the same to you (as you have already discovered).

    You keep framing this as if the issue is the problems relating to a man who is divorcing, but the REAL issue is you were his mistress and he is a liar and a cheater. Doesn't matter what excuse he gave you, he was comfortable betraying his wife and running around behind her back, and may in fact enjoy the intrigue and having multiple women at once fussing over him.

    You say he played the 'hot and cold' game with you, but he was also playing it with his wife. Men engage in affairs because it DOES give them distance, and he is most likely a man who has trouble with intimacy and whenever he gets too close, he feels smothered and either runs away as he did with you, or if married, creates the distance by taking mistresses. He is most comfortable in triangles rather than in a pair bonded relationship. He repeated that pattern with you by breaking up multiple times and running away when you needed him, and pursuing other women behind your back.

    And don't believe that he 'only' talked to that other woman. I'm sure he lied to his wife for a long time about you, and probably lied to that other woman about you, and to you about her and the fact that he did sleep with her (and may still be doing it).

    In fact, i think his rather long disappearances are most likely related to him seeing other women. Remember, he is a man who is willing and able to cheat and lie and have multiple women at once. So i suspect what has happened is that he has a new woman now which is why you aren't hearing from him. And he well could have had MANY affairs during his marriage and you'd never know it. Perhaps you were the last one before the divorce where his wife got fed up and agreed to the divorce because she was sick of the affairs. For all you know SHE booted him out rather than vice versa. Married men will usually promise they'll leave their wives, but only finally do it when she figures it out and boots him out. And if she doesn't do that, he doesn't leave.

    So i think you have learned a hard lesson. He is not a man comfortable with intimacy and is a liar and a cheat. He's always been that, but you've made excuses for him because you hoped he'd be your Prince Charming. But Prince Charming doesn't two time Cinderella with other women! So he was a shaky foundation that you couldn't build a real life on, whether you knew that or not.

    So never date an unavailable man who is committed to someone else via marriage or live in or just someone else's BF. By default that man is a liar and a cheat and doesn't respect his partners if he is willing to do that. You want a fairy tale ending with a man who is really a troll rather than a prince, and it just doesn't happen.
    Last edited by lavenderdove; 11-08-2012 at 06:05 PM.

  3. #13
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Mar 2008
    How old is this man?

    I agree with the two other posters. He was obviously unhappy in his marriage and saw you as a way out. Quite frankly, they way he has treated you throughout this is disgusting. Easy for me to say and hard for you to see I know.

  4. #14
    Silver Member PrettyGood's Avatar
    Join Date
    Aug 2008
    I took time to read your thread sincerely. I don't judge you for taking him away from his wife (it was his decision too). However, I will try to analyze the situation and explain you some things. Sometimes people loose their heads and minds about others. Then they promise and do impossible things (like he left his wife and promised you to spend more time with you). However, when people get irritated and bored from the grey reality and monotony, then they just "forget" their promises and plans to keep their promises. So he left his wife because he was more happy with you at THAT exact time, but the time passed by and everything (arguments, bad moods, unsuccessful happenings in his life) were put to one huge pile. He couldn't hold more pressure coming from everywhere and decided to choose the easiest way - to leave everything and to get away alone. To take HIS time to heal after the divorce, to understand what he wants and so on. Yes, you are a little bit right, saying that you were one of his issues (not you, exactly, but misunderstandings, fights, arguments, ultimatums, etc). Yes, you said "Sorry" but what was said and done it was done and you can't take it back so easily. You showed your immaturity by sending him those ultimatums and long messages while being drunk. Men hate that. It showed that you are unstable and he wanted to feel that at least in one area of his life everything was alright. When he needed support, you were too clingy, too emotional and didn't understand him. Now what you can do is just to cut contact. You did all you could (for now, at least). The ball is in his court, so now you just need to keep no contact (NC) and wait till he contacts you himself. Of course not only wait, but do something about your studies, job, family, etc. Men like independent, women who respect themselves, who doesn't chase them, who can stand for themselves and who has other meaning of life than "man itself." So you'd better stand up earlier than later. He need mature woman who knows how to deal with life, not a cry baby (sorry), and not someone who is chasing him begging to return. Start behaving like an adult. Don't chase him. He will return when he wants (and only IF he wants). You can't push a person to love you and contact just out of the pity and guilt. If he doesn't contact you in 10 weeks, that means he doesn't see the point to do that. He doesn't want to do that at all. And if he will not contact you any longer, you can't do anything about it. Then it would mean you were just his rebound girl to escape form the unsuccessful wedding life and that's all. Nothing more. Don't expect from this man much and don't put so much effort on the person who doesn't do anything for you these days.

  5. #15
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Jul 2006
    Whether he was married almost seems irrelevant- the way you describe him it's as though he was your whole world. Any relationship, affair or not, needs to have an even playing field.

    I was once in a relationship that made me so grateful, I would fall asleep every night thinking about how happy I was. What I didn't realize was how incredibly dysfunctional that was. It's nice to be thankful for people, but not to the point where I couldn't possibly conceive of a breakup. I knew I would have a meltdown if that happened, and sure enough, it did happen, and I did have a complete meltdown.

    Going to therapy helped me, and I highly recommend it for you, too. At this point you want to ask yourself why you were okay with this substandard type of relationship. He broke up with you multiple times, treated you poorly, and did it all while cheating on someone else. A therapist can help you understand why you don't think you deserve better, and work on changing your thought process. He/she will also help the grieving process.

  6. #16
    Bella Donna
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Hi Pumpkinmoon,

    He is 46 and I am 32 - I am slowly starting to see the reality of the situation, but it has taken this step away to realise just how badly he was treating me, and how much I gave him allowance for because he was under pressure. I guess if you really thought someone was special, you would do everything you could not to hurt them - Not let them down when the going gets tough

  7. #17
    Bella Donna
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Hi PrettyGood.

    Thank you for taking the time to read everything I wrote and writing such a helpful answer. I have definitely realised my immaturity in handling this situation so far, I think I was so consumed by panic that instead of considering the situation coolly and asking whether I was happy with his treatment of me, that I clung on even tighter, which ultimately meant he broke all ties and stopped replying.

    I won't be making any contact but whereas previously it was solely with the aim of hoping he will miss me and get in touch, you guys have really opened my eyes and given me some food for thought.

    I need some time to think over everything that has happened so far and decide how I actually feel about him and the situation and not just the fact that we are no longer together.

    A few people have commented that I can't make him do anything. I kept thinking "If only I does this, if only I do that..." Perhaps i am immature in relationships and a cry baby (so far!) mainly because this was my most adult relationship to date - i had never talked of marriage and children with previous boyfriends. That means that I have taken the break-up harder than when other relationships didn't work out, but hopefully now I can begin to consider what everyone here has commented on and begin to move on...

    Day 14NC - That's a start at least.

  8. #18
    Bella Donna
    Join Date
    Nov 2012
    Hi Bulletproof,
    You could have stolen my thoughts from when we were together - i did indeed go to sleep feeling how thankful and lucky I was. In answer to Itsallgood - He 'seemed' to have all the qualities I could ever have hoped for in a partner - but yes, now I am beginning to see he was acting the part rather than genuinely feeling it.

    I thought feeling happy and grateful was so positive, not that it could mean the relationship was one-sided, as he said all the right words about me too.

    The weekend he disappeared during my revision, he had been to a sports game with my friend's boyfriend. My friend told me her boyfriend felt rubbish because he resented his girlfriend being busy with revision the whole time, whereas my ex had spent the whole game talking about me, how proud he was of me and how hard I was working and how much he loved me. That night he dropped me off at my house and disappeared. Yeah. Actions and words spring to mind.

    Both the friend and her boyfriend were floored when they found out what happened - Even more so when she told me that day at the game he had invited them both to come and join us for a weekend soon after exams at 'our' house by the sea. Utterly bizarre.

  9. #19
    Platinum Member
    Join Date
    Nov 2008
    He realized that a relationship with you didn't fix him or his life. he now might be regretting losing everything, as life on the outside of it is not as peachy as he thought. And he is mourning the end of his marriage. He is finding juggling coparenting is not as easy as he thought and the kids are suffering for it. Life just became more complicated. He will either mope or just move on to another woman. please never contact him again.

    Please come away with this reviewing why you go for unavailable men. You might do so deep down because you don't feel worthy of an equal, mutual and healthy relationship.

  10. #20
    Bella Donna
    Join Date
    Nov 2012

    I never saw this as an affair because from day 1 we worked towards being together and he did leave, so I naively perhaps believed that he was the exception to the rule, who genuinely wanted to start a new relationship, and a new life, not just have an affair or string me along.

    Unavailable - I now realise emotionally he is. The problem is, it took two years for that to become apparent, because initially our happiness at being together covered many of our problems.

    His divorce just seemed something we were waiting for the final decree absolute on before we could get engaged (no idea for certain - But it has most likely been finalised by now)
    I didn't view him as unavailable and he often talked of not being able to wait til we could become officially engaged. He gave me a promise ring that I wore on my left hand, before i went to university - until he was in a position to replace it with the official ring once he was legally single.


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