High Expectations

Hello Everyone!

I'm currently experiencing a mental conflict and can't really decide what I should do.

I've known J for 3/4 years, we have been best friends for about 2 years. We would sometimes randomly sleep with each other or do other things when we were both single and neither of us worried about emotional attachment, so there were no problems then.

However, I recently broke up with a girl who was a complete a-hole and J recently broke up with a guy who was a complete a-hole.

We started hanging out more again, staying at each others places and stuff. We had sex a few of times.

Then I started visiting my a-hole ex, as she wanted to talk about stuff and maybe get back together. During this time, I never slept with a-hole ex. However, J started to let me know that she had feelings for me and that she would like to be with me at some point in the future.

I then realised that I love J completely, and she loves me completely. That has ALWAYS been the case and we both know it. So I decided to discontinue seeing a-hole ex and focus my attention on J.

Now, I totally understand and agree that we have both just come out of relationships and need a bit of time out of a relationship, before we can commit to each other.

Of course, this means neither of us are tied down. Although this the case, I have no intention at the moment of fooling around with anyone else, but the option is there - same goes for J.

......except she has exercised that right and slept with somebody else.

Now I'm confused...... I wasn't at any point going to make her feel tied-down, but I never actually thought she'd go through with actually having sex with someone else.

Maybe my expectations are just too high. Maybe I thought she enjoyed things with me and wouldn't fancy it with anyone else.

Maybe she's just getting it out of her system.

Obviously she has told me, she knows it upset me somewhat. She said "I'm sorry if it's hurt you, I did explain that I wanted to do what I like right now, I haven't done anything wrong, but I am sorry".

She also made it clear that it meant absolutely nothing, nor has any mention of the incident taken place between them. She's assured me that he's not a scratch on me, that she values me way more than she could anyone else.

She was drunk, got a bit horny, and slept with this guy she is mates with....that's it.

After about a week of hanging out again, she then admits to me that she slept with him AGAIN....last night. Again it means nothing and she was drunk.

I feel inadequate, jealous, 2nd choice and quite low about the whole thing really. She wouldn't sleep with more than one person in the space of a fortnight, so everytime she sleeps with this guy, it also rules anything with us out for the near future....just another thing that makes it more painful.

I asked her why she slept with him and not me, she said "It's hassle-free!, you've made me feel very pressured into having sex recently and it's pushing me away. I feel a bit cornered and it doesn't make me want to sleep with you"

"so what am I supposed to do?", I replied, "How do I make things right? How do I deal with you having slept with this guy"

To which she said "if you want things the way they were, just chill the f*ck out, don't pressure me, and just let things happen. You have absolutely nothing to be upset about, sleeping with him wasn't exactly great and he means NOTHING to me, but I have to be myself and care about myself at the moment, I can't be tied down"

So that's pretty much it, I cannot question her love for me, but she's taken such an emotional battering from her last bf that taking care of herself is the priority right now.

What in the hell do I do?????????

Well, actually you are taking emotional battering from J. She has been selfish and if she really cared for you she shouldn't have slept with this guy, once she declared her romantic interest in you. And please do not trust her when she said that this other guy means nothing, it is a scientific fact that women bond when having sex due to a chemical called oxitocine. Certainly she enjoys the attention from you while getting fresh flesh somewhere else. Basically she is cheating on you, and you are in denial about it, due to your confusion.

If I were you I would take a huge distance from your friend J and use this time to clear your head as to what exactly you want with her. If it is a realtionship, tell her unambigiously that she has to stop cheating and respond with equa to yours commitment. If you want her as a friend only, keep your distance for a few months until your emotions cool down and take it from there. Do not forget to date other people too, so that your needs for company and affection are met and you do not expect it from J.

I am afraid you may lose this friendship, my personal opinion is that it is not worth it anyways, because your friend J is playing with you big time. Smell the coffe and wake up, OP.

I think that J is the A-hole. Why did she confess she had feelings for you, then go sleep with her mate, then tell you to chill the f out? That's an A-hole.

Find a decent girl and make sure she's not an A-hole.

She's right.. if you want things the way they were you need to chill out and get back into a meaningless relationship. If you want more, which she led you to believe she did, you will need to look elsewhere. If you really want to try and make things work, grow and develop with J, get together with her, explain how you feel. Find out if you both have similar expectations from her telling you she has feelings for you and want the same thing going forward.

OP drop her..she doesnt know what she wants...nothing you can do, when people start to get defensive like that, things usually never go back to the way they were IMO...distance yourself and find a girl who truly cares for you..I dont buy the drunk story 1 time..but i would maybe be able to forgive..but twice..? something keeps her going back that she likes...please..you deserve better..

I binned both of these little girls off, let them get on with their toxic lifestyles.

I concentrated on myself, my career, doing things I enjoy by myself - and nerding out a lot.

Anyway, few years later, met my now wife (when I wasn't looking)!

We've been together 6 years, 1st child on the way. Never been happier.

No silly games, no second guessing. Just a natural, easy-going relationship.

So my final advice would be....

"A relationship is like a fart, if you have to force it, it's probably a turd"

Don't muck around playing games and letter another person toy with your feelings, you'll meet the right person at the right time.

When you stop looking for the wrong person, that is.

Glad to hear you've ended up on such a high note. May you have a lifetime of happiness together.