This is just a Jorunal that i am starting to track my behavior and triggers.

It has been 2 weeks since i got fired from my last job. I have spent my time at home, doing nothing constructive over than playing computer games, drinking beer, eating and occasionally working out. I want to get to the point where i am reading, actively going out more, working out 3 hours a day and looking for a higher paying job, but right now i am having trouble making small decisions. My ability to make decisions is being hindered by my constant anxiety and this depression which has creeped up on me. Even thou i want to do good and see that i have potential to make these small changes in my life, my desire to change is zero to nil, and what is worse is that i end up hating myself for not being that man who i want to be. The real problem is my will power, there is none, i have no self discipline, no integrity, i continue to regress into self destructive behaviors and i continue to find these patterns of though which serve no purpose other than to kill time and comfort me temporarily. If i can step out of my comfort zone, then i can achieve much more, but finding the means to step out will take courage and every time i try to step out and do something new i am riddled with anxiety, fear and mental exhaustion. Part of me feels naked by attempting different things and part of me couldn't care less as to whether i succeed in life as long as i can continue to enjoy life's many small comforts.

Day 2, I have learned that spending less time on the computer and socializing with people has helped me deal with my anxiety issues a lot. Many of the mistakes i have made in the past were attributed to overly stimulating my brain to a point where it required stimulation every second of the day, i can say the same thing about anything, eating to much requires your stomach to grow and your body to break food down faster, working out too much can help build energy and the need to expel that excess energy, sleeping too much can cause someone to be excessively tired, self gratification well enough said about these addictive behaviors.

I spoke with my mom today and we spoke about therapy and how much it has helped my sister to grow. I think therapy will be very good for me and even though i have had a really rough two weeks, i am started to see the light again at the end of the tunnel. It is funny when you live with depression and there are many times we 'allow' it to take over us and control everything we do from not eating enough, to making poor decisions, to isolating ourselves from others, sleeping weird hours, refusing to leave the house, it all adds up. Once i start making positive choices thou, i put a new chain of events into order and this chain picks up just as much speed and power as the depression does. I feel that it is good to be depressed once in a while, depression gives us time to self examine our thoughts, feelings, emotions and past behaviors. Surrounding ourselves with people too much makes us distracted and unaware of what is really going on deep down inside, sometimes causing unnecessary stress, anxiety or anger.

Depression also gives our bodies time to rest and heal up for the world again so that when we do return back to work, our mind is ready for challenges and not worn out from the constant stimulation and activity of the world. Also, i have had time to watch anime, work out in my room, and spend time talking to my mom which i have been avoiding due to stress from work. Maybe this thing that happened was good, i am not sure but i am looking forward to getting back out there and giving it another go.

Day 3, woke up around 9 am found that i had nothing to do, instead of planning my day out i just went straight to the computer like an idiot. I know i am building up my anxiety like this but it is still fun to do while it is snowing outside and that also discourages me from leaving the house. I should be studying, doing school work, reading books or even working out but i make this decision every day because it is the easiest one to make. Sometimes i wonder if that is what makes people successful making hard decisions everyday, i mean that must make a person strong. Some people are so strong and strong willed in everything they do that if i tried to step in their shoes i will fall apart at the seams. The problem is responsibility, i hate that word, and i hate having to be responsible for things or have people depend on me. Maybe those people who have responsibilities are never lonely but they are probably stressed and overwhelmed a lot, i am not sure if i could lead that type of life to be honest. Even right now as i am writing this log, i feel like i have little or no energy to continue, its probably because my arms are tired from working out so much and i have not eaten breakfast yet; i feel like today is going to suck and i am regretting waking up already.

Its the afternoon now, i feel better already for some strange reason. I have been working out a lot more, but still playing computer games, it seems that the working out is helping me cope with my anxiety issues. I wouldn't be surprised if my dad had the same issues i do because he is like really built but, i guess he found out sooner that exercise helps with that stuff because he was a lot bigger than me in terms of muscle mass when he was my age and younger. To cope with anxiety in the past, I used to play handball a lot and go outside unfortunately, due to the weather changes: the hurricane, the blizzard; plus a pulled hamstring, i haven't been able to go out much i suppose that is why i have been writing now more than ever.

Somehow i noticed that i made the transition from being depressed into being anxious into working out, now i wonder when i will make the transition to reading and writing more. I remember as a teenager i used to write all my thoughts and poems in the computer, i saved most of it on a floppy drive but when i moved out i just stopped writing all together. I would go back and read some of the stuff i used to write and be surprised like wow i thought those things. Also my change in music and my maturity has changed so much since then, but my habits about isolating myself and staying indoors hasn't change really. I have always been an introvert and it helps in some ways but hurts in others that i notice a lot. Somehow by becoming an introvert i can keep my emotions at bay and analyze situations better before trying to jump into one where i would be uncomfortable, one would call it being cautious. The negative aspects about being introverted thou are the adventures you miss out because of your inability to take chances and put yourself in uncomfortable situations. In addition, you learn less coping abilities due to the fact that there is usually nothing to cope with, like a turtle who spends all his time in a shell. The problem with leaving the shell of course is that when you are really sensitive like me, it takes a lot of time to be able to heal from wounds like verbal abuse, embarrassment, and rejection. Some people have either harder skin than me, or they learn how to read a situation and avert in time so that they are never at the mercy of someone's bad behavior.

I suppose one could say that i am innocent and play the victim too much, not realizing that half the time i get myself into these stupid scenarios with others that majority of the time, they are caused by my inability to judge characters and also by the fact that i tend to say provocative things to upset people. 9 times out of 10 i know that what i am saying is provocative, yet it is also well deserved; many times i don't realize that people are just acting out of ignorance when dealing with others.

Ex1: there is a long line for food during the lunch hour, someone cuts in front of you and instead of feeling bad about it they give you an article of food as compensation for the loss of time you suffered. You refuse the food allowing them to feel guilty about their actions and they end up resenting you for revealing the truth of their actions and not being able to rationalize why they cut you, because now the hunger is gone but the guilt remains.

Ex2: you are riding a bike through busy streets seeing a crosswalk ahead and knowing that you are moving fast and don't want to be hindered by others moving slowly in front of you. A man you cut off yells at you, "Hey watch where you are going, *******!" Rather than continuing to ride and realizing that you reckless actions provoked him to respond this way and just ignoring him all together you stop, and start yelling even louder than him causing a seen in a crowded Metropolitan Area during rush hour to yell at a tourist who isn't even familiar with bike messengers or how aggressive cyclists can be. Embarrassed and scared by your reaction the man just walks away with his group and wonders why a man would behave in such a manner.

I am not sure what the point of the examples were but i suppose they are day to day examples of how my interactions with others go badly due to my inability to suppress my reactions/emotions and due to my rationing skills which pertain to defending yourself against small injustices which can be just as easily ignored. The main problem here is the sensitivity in which i respond to people with.

A rational person would respond differently to the examples provided.

Ex 1: i could have just taken the food and realized that the man was obviously so hungry or in such a rush that he couldn't bare to wait and it wouldn't have been a big deal to just let him cut in front of me even thou i would have to wait for him to be served before me

Ex 2: i might have not cut the guy off at all and instead waited for him to cross the street, and if i did cut him off i could have always just said sorry realizing that he was calling me an ******* because i was in fact acting like one at the time.

End of the day, i am a little surprised by how much i have been writing. I went to my sisters house to help her with the baby and stuff, she had some female friends over, one was a little older like 31 not in shape, not that cute but she seemed to like me (i wasn't interested she was too old for me and didn't have the goods to back it up, not that i don't like older women but they have to have a cute face, a nice rack or at least big hips). She was more of a co-worker and everyone was trying to get me into her but it was just awkward as all hell, that's the weird part about my family they have no idea what i like and what i don't like. Then she had this other friend come over she is cute but she is small and kind of crazy, maybe too crazy because even thou she is cute, she dresses up too much. I don't think i have even seen the girl not wearing a nice outfit, her hair always blown out, always dyed some color black or blonde, always make-up, always smelling nice, always clear skin. It is not that i can't appreciate the fact that she wants to look good, (nice body too, thin waist, tone arms and thick legs she deff works out and it shows); it is just when it is done to such a degree to where i start to wonder how anyone can be soo superficial and insecure that she can't leave the house looking casual for once then you know she has issues (plus my sister mentioned some stuff to me about her).

We weren't doing much of anything really, the girls had some wine, me and my sisters fiance had some beers and for dinner it was like chicken, rice, beans, salad (typical Spanish cooking). I am not sure why we played scrabble but my sisters' man is really into it and i wanted to show him up because i am a pretty smart guy (smarter than most in board games at least! and in general too!!! ). Anyways he ended up kicking my ass really bad ending with 100+ points over my score (he got lucky some 50 point word and **** like that ).

The best part of the night was being able to ride my bike for the first time in about 2 weeks, it makes me so happy because now i know i can leave my house and do stuff, i'm still scared about my hamstring thou! Plus i know i am getting a G ( roman numeral for a thousand, Brooklyn slang ) in funds from my school loans and my unemployment check 405 (hopefully) on Wednesday so i am deff balling. I am going to spend 350 to get classes to learn how to drive and **** so i can get my license and then another 500 to become a certified personal trainer ( i am done with being a messenger ( riding is fun and all but the pay sucks! ) the industry in NYC is so bad now that you really can't make money doing that type of work anymore unless you own your own company or have a connect to someone who does own their own company and gives you good rates ).

Anyways, i am done for today, i am looking forward to working out in the morning and doing more school work i did some today but i got to catch up on reading everything is eBooks and i hate that, i only like looking at ink on paper not a light screen which hurts my eyes!

Same thing happened this morning that happened last morning, i woke up with nothing to do no game plan feelings empty instead, feeling like i had to motivate myself to get up and make food to get energy to take on the day. Even thou i will feel good one day, it is like the challenge is beginning all over again and it gets annoying after a while repeating the same cycle of events over and over. I know i am making progress with my financial situation but that doesn't change my emotional stability in the least, i need something more than that to make it through the day, i need to feel alive and that is so hard for me right now. I am actually going to ride the bike today after some stretches so i hope all goes well, i don't want to rush into it so i will only ride for 3 hours today at the most, hopefully all goes well and i don't re-injury myself as that tends to happen a lot right after an injury (its been 1 week thou so here's hoping).

Today, i road the bike 7 miles in total first to go to the handball courts, then to get food and finally to go back home. I should have eaten more when i was out because i fear i am losing too much weight already! I think i played something like close to 8 games of handball over the course of 5 hours, it was really exhausting and i think it was something like 45 - 50 degrees outside so that makes you more tired than you would normally be (the cold is harder to breath and harder on the body, runners know what i'm talking about). Man, i was so freaking exhausted that when i came home, i freaking fell asleep in the bath tub for a good half an hour, then i knocked out in my bed for another hour or two (i can't remember, probably only an hour). All my anxiety went away, cause i feel really relaxed, however my legs (my hips especially) basically my entire body is sore as a result of the days events

I know that even today, even thou i didn't do anything really productive, it was really important for me to go out and be in the world. Being in shape is not easy (anyone who says otherwise is a liar), thankfully i have been blessed with a high metabolism, but that doesn't take away from the fact that i do a lot of sports and ride the bike a lot. It felt really good to socialize and talk to people and be competitive, i know i am not going to meet women this way but it feels good anyways. This is why i am so lonely, because of the choices i make, i hate bars, dance halls, i am more a book and exercise person. Yeah, i know you don't need to be at a dance hall or a bar to pick up chicks and stuff, but i find it hard to approach ladies in general especially because i spend so much time in my room or on the courts.

What i learned today, yeah it is hard to motivate yourself to do things and waking up late and feeling like the day has already passed you is even worse. I need to start going to be earlier so that i can make plans and enjoy the day. Also, i need to make it a routine to go out more otherwise i will end up getting depressed. I just ordered like 15 dollars worth of Chinese food, so i need to eat that because i lost too much weight today ( i am a little pissed off at myself ;( ), trying to gain weight is really hard, my goal is to gain 20 pounds to move from 165 - 185, as it stands right now i gained 5 - 7 pounds because my weight is constantly changing going from 174 to 168. The hardest part is keeping the weight i gained, i want to gain weight so that people will respect me more and also so that women will find me to be more desirable. I think i am suffering from some sort of low self esteem and focusing on my weight helps me cope with that (geez i feel like a girl right now, sorry if that sounds sexist ).

Sunday morning, i feel like ****, reading this journal makes me wonder i am bi-polar. My room is a mess, i am behind in my school work, my back, my body is sore as ****, every morning is the same, i get depressed, then when afternoon roles by i start to feel better. Yesterday, was actually a very good day because i did a lot of exciting things: went to class early in the morning (it was fun cause i got to socialize), then i hung out with my brothers we played handball for like 2 - 3 hours then went back and played board games a lot, finally i was really tired and went home played some Starcraft, watched Naruto and went to sleep. I was so tired that i actually forgot i watched a show last night.

Maybe i am just feeling like this temporarily because i know i need to do laundry, clean my room, and do a lot of homework and it is all going to suck balls. I remember why i did so bad in the past with life in general, i got addicted to playing handball and would let it consume all my time, i would play so much that i would injure myself. In fact, there were times when i would play handball so much that i was falling behind in my classes and messing up at work but i didn't care because handball was one of the few things i did that actually made me happy in life.

Handball and Computer games, for the longest time i have been wanting to cut these out of my life so that i could have time to work out and study, but the behavioral pattern is so bad to the point where i feel like i have lost control over my actions. It is like my emotions determine my behavior constantly and my mind is playing second to my heart. Sometimes that is good for like falling in love, or like being passionate about something, in my case it is about being addicted to stupid ***** which controls my life in such a way that i can't hold a job down, or move out of my parents house.

Of course there is more to the story then that, there is the fact that my moods interrupt good behaviors which surface once in a while, sometimes ill have a mood and be motivated to do something, but when i actually want to do that thing that i have been fantasizing about for the longest my anxiety kicks in to overdrive and i feel powerless. One step forward, two steps back, the story of my life : (

Okay, i am going to starbucks to study, because i can't accomplish anything in my room, there are too many distractions and i am feeling very bored by spending most of my morning in the house already. It will be nice to ride the bike and smell the fresh air and see people's smiling faces. I am falling behind in my work out routine, something i read once was that our central nervous system is trained to memorize movements.

Sometimes people develop muscular imbalances due to the CNS (central nervous system) learning bad techniques or bad movements which develop one muscule more than the rest (similar to what happens to cyclists when they go for long periods of time without impact training, they will develop their quads to a point where eventually they develop knee problems due to underdeveloped muscles used to stabilize their body under impact, i know this because i used to work as a bike messenger for over 2 years riding the bike 8 hours a day). Once your CNS has learned this improper body movements like lifting with your back rather than your knees, it will take the body about 4x to 5x (you are talking about more than ten thousand repetitions of the same movement) the amount of correct movements for you to retrain your central nervous system.

I think that is what has happened to me, i learned how to spend time playing computer games and handball. Now my mind is constantly thinking of those things at a subconscious level, even thou i spend a few hours working out and studying, my mind is constantly reverting back to thinking about computer games and handball. This is the problem with addiction! I remember when i used to smoke cigarettes, once i stopped that was all i could think about, i would see it in the TV, think about it when i smelled tobacco or looked at an ashtray, everytime i ate food, everytime i went to buy something at a store, everytime i saw an advertisement. Same thing with alcohol, or caffeine, your mind is like trained to seek those things out and consume them. If i could just fvcking rationalize a reason for not playing computer games, browsing the web, reading emails, checking facebook, watching videos, this computer addiction is the worst thing that has ever happened to me.

Why is it that i am able to quit drugs, to stabilize myself twice after 2 nervous breakdowns with no medication or therapy, get myself out of the street from being homeless to becoming a student, and a member of society, but if you ask me to stop going on the computer i will not be able to? I know that people go to rehab to overcome computer addiction and yeah that is embarrassing, at least i can admit to it. We depend on computers so much that it is so hard for me, i need to use the computer to check my bank account, to check the weather, to do school work, to find out about parties and events my friends host, I AM DEPENDENT! i need to become an ant and free myself of emotions.

I went out and drank some beers after doing some school work. It felt very good to do the work but i still need to do a 300 word essay tonight. I definitely noticed that i am way more capable of doing work outside my room than in it. There is some kind of bad karma which prevents me from focusing and its bad. Anyways i had fun tonight, my friend picked me up and than we picked up my other friend who just finished doing a 30 hour shift, then we went to the beach and drank 40's by the boardwalk. Before that thou, we were like riding around looking at all the destruction of the hurricane, it was scary to see all the projects without light and stuff. We shared stories of how people lost their apartments and personal belongings to the hurricane. My friend told me this story of this guy he works with who lost his cat (it drowned) because he refused to leave his apartment until the water rose to his neck. Man, some of this stuff is crazy, i am glad nothing bad happened to me and the worst part is that, that guy didn't even qualify for FEMA funds, so he is basically fvcked.

You know we got pizza afterwards and everything was all good, and the friend that drove us had so much fun that he was like we should do this every sunday (althou i don't know if i want to make drinking a routine). Anyways, i am home now and i am tipsy. I feel more now than ever that if i put my mind to something, i will get it done. Sometimes i question myself if what i imagine is possible, but just like how i banged out that presentation in such a short period of time and was able to drink beers afterwards and now i am doing a 300 - 500 word essay on something stupid, it makes me wonder if i am living life to its fullest potential. Hey, I know i am not living life to its fullest potential but i don't give a crap as long as i am happy!

I think to myself if happiness is a commodity which can be traded like money, maybe it is and maybe its time i start making exchanges for greater things in life.

Oh no, Oh no, Oh no. I am very very anxious right now and it feels really really bad after having such a great day. I started off my morning sucky like every freaking morning that i have since i lost my job. I was really excited about being able to do all my homework before time ran out on sunday, but then not having a plan this morning backfired on me big time. I rationalized to myself that my drinking was an excuse to sleep in.

Geez, i am broke as fvck right now. Seriously i have been eating ramen noodles and peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for the past 2 weeks. If i don't get the claim i am pretty much fvcked really bad and would need to start taking any job that pays because i am getting really hungry lately and i honestly have like 70 - 80 bucks to my name. After i found out i had money coming in i started spending like a ****, i haven't spent that much but its like i have to count every penny till i figure out what i am going to do. I have gotten to the point where my hamstring has healed but i just don't want to go straight back to work because i am lazy and enjoy the time i am taking off. It is bad enough i have no life and go to school all the time, working on top of that just makes my life ****tier!

I am anxious because i have spent the last 2 hours in front of the computer and looking a small lite screen will make anyone go crazy. I want my anxiety to go away but i don't want to replace it with boredom. I made a pact with this ENA member (not saying any names) to start working out and stuff so we both be in shape by summer and its been 3 days since i last lifted weights! I am bad, i need to do laundry i cleaned my room a little but i really need to do laundry and i need money like ASAP to buy food from Costco. Usually if i spend like 100 - 150 that will last me about a month and a half.

I haven't been working out because i am lazy so shoot me okay! I am in good shape right now, i would take a pic and show you guys who read this journal but that would be too embarrassing for me and the thought is stupid to be honest. If i get in better shape meaning work out 5 - 7 days of the week for like 3 months, you would think i had the body of a model or something. OMG i need to stop i am being very conceded right now.

Right now i am just trying to get over this anxiety attack, its not full blown but that is why i am writing a bunch of BS to help it go away but it will last for at least another half hour to an hour unless i do something relaxing like right now. The reason for this attack is 3 things, one i am tired from playing handball all day ( i am getting better, i think i played like 4 or 5 games and only lost 1 ). If anyone doesn't know anything about handball, its a basically a game that involves 1 ball and 1 court could be 2 or 4 players. I live in NYC which is basically the mecca for 1 wall handball, all the top players of the entire world in 1 wall handball live and play here. IT is like anime in japan, if you want to play 1 wall handball against the pros you come to New York basically.

Anyways i blab too much and i am starting to calm down, i am going to make ramen noodles for dinner again actually i might buy some tuna fish and crackers, yeah tuna fish yum!

Today was the worst day. I am now 2 in a half weeks without a job, tomorrow i will go looking. I must be at my breaking point because i feel very depressed, it was raining today. Rain means no handball, then my internet connection who i leech off of was having problems, that led me to go through major withdrawal and i ended up sleeping a lot. I know i should have went to the gym or done something productive with my time, i just didn't feel like it. This depression is going to set in very fast unless i act soon, tomorrow i will wake up early, i am always putting things off for tomorrow, hoping that tomorrow things will be better why? i am not sure why, its a pattern like everything else.

I don't even feel like writing right now, that's how i depressed i am. I actually visualized hanging myself from my fan just so that i wouldn't feel this miserable, boy i must be bi-polar. I am going to make myself something to eat and try to forget about how crappy i feel, **** i almost deleted this entire message but i pressed control Z.

Somehow i know i am going to look back at this and wonder what made me feel this way.

Lack of social interaction.

Lack of money.

Lack of food.

Lack of motivation.

Lack of energy.

When i first started writing on ENA i felt like it was really fun and exciting but as time past i start to feel more and more lonely. This whole experience makes me realize that no matter how independent we become, as humans we need others to survive. Sometimes i wish i wasn't a social creature that it would suffice to live on my own devices and many have led lives which one would consider solitary but i am struggling everyday to come to grips with that reality. I feel more and more like if i don't break out of my shell soon that i will become its prisoner. Even thou i know i have the ability to choose my fate, it seems that there are stronger forces at play here, beyond my power and i cannot regain control of what i once had. Life seems so fleeting to me at this moment that it seems only yesterday i was born and now i am alone and tomorrow i will be alone.

I am so fvcking pissed off right now. After doing some more research and reading online a lot, i found out that my employer is most likely fighting the claim i put it and that i would have to go to the UE office and appeal the decision if i would see any money and that would probably take like another 2 - 3 weeks and i am broke right now, i can't wait 2 - 3 weeks i would have to fvcking sign up for like welfare or something. This is so fvcking annoying, i swear if i see my boss i would just want to like knock his lights out for all the **** he put me through. This is exactly why you don't depend on people, or unemployment and you always take care of yourself first and foremost because you can trust a system or trust a person or trust anyone but yourself. Instead of just waiting around to collect ui benefits like a bum i should have been looking for a job and stuff, this whole time. Now i have to keep my fingers crossed that i get hired ASAP. Damn it this fvcking sucks man, i was getting used to being lazy for once and just going to school and hoping that would be enough but its like getting to the point where you can't just, wait i am being very very lazy right now. Oh maybe its not such a big deal but its just such a let down and i should have anticipated something like this happening, thats why i am upset because it is a very very nasty surprise.

I was watching this movie the other day called Repeaters and ****. Its about this people that repeat the same day over and over after getting their facility gets struck by lighting. In the movie, they just stop reacting to people pissing them off because they already know what is coming so its like they never get taken off guard. It is soo cool how they do it too because they look so non nonchalant as appose to how they behaved the first time, screaming and getting upset everyone looking at they like they did something wrong. Anyways, now he knows i was trying to collect for UE and that mother F'er probably has a big as grin on his face. This F'ing guy probably has written like a million testimonials as to why people cannot get money from him.

Today, i said i was going to look for a job, now i just feel angry. What to do What to do. If i had money i wouldn't care really. OMFG i can't make decisions anymore i have become a vegetable. I told myself yesterday that i am going to stop thinking and start doing, i need a 300 pound man to follow me everywhere i go and slap me everytime i start thinking about doing or not doing something i SWEAR! By the end of the day i would have either gotten something accomplished or have 2 black eyes, but at least things would be different, hell the next day i would probably do everything that poped into my head. Man i am not saying that thinking about what you do is wrong, i am just saying that i tend to over rationalize everything i think allowing me to get away with anything i don't want to, however if i got slapped for everytime i did that then maybe there would be justice .

Oh my wrist hurts, i typed too fast, i think i banged this out in about 2 minutes. Oouch!

I just had a talk with my mom. It felt good for once to talk to her, she said she had been busy with my sister and my step dad's father whose been in the hospital so i had been holding a grudge against her for a while. She was asking me about my girlfriend situation because recently i had been with someone, it didn't work out needless to say but she was hoping i found someone new or was looking actively at least. I think she worries about me because of how lonely i am and wishes that i had someone who could keep me happy. A lot of people in my family worry about me, they are always saying how handsome i am, and how smart i am, they think something is wrong with me because i don't have a girlfriend. In my culture men are suppose to be like these mucho super men who do nothing but work, fvck and drink all day so i get a lot of crap from men in my family for not like having many girlfriends and stuff. All my life people have been worried about me, sometimes i think its because i come from such a dysfunctional family that i have problems with commitment.

I don't really like to admit it, however i have never been in relationship for more than 8 months and that wasn't until after i was in my 20's. When i was younger i dated a few girls like 20 or 30 (something like that). They never amounted to anything, i never took them serious to be honest and i always had a way of sabotaging the relationships early on. Somehow, i know that i am very good when it comes to dealing with women due to my upbringing. Basically i was raised by my sister 1 year older than me and my mom, so i have always felt very comfort being around and talking to women. If anything i feel uncomfortable around guys when i was younger, i always felt they were brutish or insensitive. My familiarity with women has led to many problems thou, i often take them for granted using them for personal gain, or i will mistreat them feeling like what difference does it make how i act towards them when i see their flaws so quickly. Other guys would be putting girls on a pedestal and i couldn't care less really. There would be those who i would do the exact opposite with as well, treating them like gods because i had low self esteem, the only thing that remains consistent thous is my ambivalence towards the opposite sex.

I have this one girl, we can call her S. We get along well sometimes because we both like company, and we are both a little crazy. When she met me she had a really big crush on me, that was until she found out who i really was when it came to treating people and those feelings died off quickly. We are still really close and talk about a lot of personal things together, sometimes we cuddle, sleep together (its platonic), drink and have play dates. She trusts me that i won't get crazy about her (most guys do), we give each other space and sometimes i go to her for support when i am having problems with some girl i am currently seeing. I remember once, she would explain to me why she would never introduce me to any of her friends. Man all this talk is making me sick. I have to stop thinking like this, my mom is making me think of mushy crap im done for now.

Wow, 100 +plus views, how exciting. It's hard to understand how anyone can read this stuff and not be as bored and depressed as i am by living this life. This is what life would be like if it was written by a person suffering from agoraphobia. Right now, it is 9:02 am, i should be taking a shower and leaving the house soon to make my life better, however i am rethinking everything now. I realize that i need a lot of money to be happy, i also realize that i need to start doing something to better my life in terms of the career i am pursuing and that being a bike messenger isn't enough to suffice in terms of what it means to live modestly.

This feeling, which i am dealing with write now, lets call it sloth, on a scale from 1 - 10 on energy level it is like a 2 - 3. It is the feeling that isn't tired enough to get back to bed, but too tired to get dressed and want to leave the house. Things i can do to fight sloth feeling.

1. Make coffee, buy coffee, buy energy drink, caffeine, eat 3 apples.

2. Take a cold shower.

3. Jump around and act like an idiot until i no longer feel like being idle.

Now i have a new feeling, i will call this one wraith. Forgive my use of the seven deadly sins i have been watching full metal alchemist brother hood for 3 days straight and i am up to episode 37. 37 * 26 = 962 minutes / 60 = 16 hours (geez that is a lot of cartoons!). Okay this wraith feeling, is the anxiety feeling, on a scale from 1 - 10 on energy its about a 4 - 5, its the feeling of not being able to relax but not being able to leave the house either, it is enough energy to get dressed and clean something but not enough energy to leave the house. Things i can do to fight this wraith feeling.

1. 10 push ups, 8 chin ups.

2. Stop doing anything until i calm down, stop reading, stop watching tv, stop playing computer, stop talking or listening to music.

3. Drink 3 glasses of ice cold water, sit on my hands and relax.

4. mediate, do yoga.

It is funny how it took me 14 entries to start writing about what i initially wanted to. I have to do so much **** today, i have to clean my room, do the dishes (god its full as fvck too, **** is piling out of the sink onto the counter and nearly spilling onto the floor), homework at least 2 hours which isn't bad but everytime i get the sloth feeling before i can attempt to do anything, look for a job but once again sloth feeling. **** this sloth feeling its bad, maybe my sin is sloth. I need motivation but from where do i find it, damn this SLOTH! Sometimes it is better to die then to fee helpless and lazy all day.

There other day i spent most of my remaining money at a some metal bar deep in Green Point, my friend said it was about 8 miles all of which i road on my track bike. I raced a couple of people on the way there, beat all of them too, one guy was pretty fast however and he gave me a little bit of a challenge, i think that guy was like a messenger because he kept up with me for a long long time (also he was cocky so it felt good to beat him). I went out to the bar to see my friends band play, he was playing for a hurricane relief effort and it was really nice, plus i got to see S and that was cool too. The bar was really weird, everything was black (including the bathroom, yeah the toilets too), a lot of the people working their were wearing all this satanic stuff (which was embarrassing to see a grown man wearing (something you would expect from like a depressed teen or something) ) and some of them had tattoos and long hair. I understand it is a metal bar and its all a gig, but i thought it was silly all the same.

I made some jokes to my friends about how a real satanist would never drink here, and what is worse were all the little underage girls who had fake ids or somehow got let in anyways. I mean i know what a twenty one year old girl looks like, and seeing some of these girls looking all scared with doe eyes, no personalty, probably no source of income (except mommy and daddy), no experience in bed or otherwise (life experiences), it was a little bit of a let down. Maybe i am just cynical at my age, there was a time when i would humor some of these females to see if i could get laid or something, play the game you know. No a days i just type cast them and label them as being little trouble makers looking to make foot prints in the world which they have been sheltered from for most of their lives.

Sometimes, i wish i was sheltered as a child so that i would know what it was like to go to a private school, or have expensive toys, to go to college for free, get driven lessons for free, free car. When i look at these kids from the burbs, i think to myself wow they have everything handed to them on a platter and they choose to live out of their shell by trying to meet *******s like me in a metal bar

The good part of the night included dancing a little, getting buzzed, and riding the 8 miles to and from the bar in 40 degree weather. The day after, i woke up early to go to class at 9 am (note i went to bed at 2 am drunk), i am not sure if i woke up in my clothes or not (i think i took them off actually, i wasn't that tired) took a shower and went to school. My alarm clock was set for like 6 am, but i kept hitting the snooze button every ten minutes until it struck like 7:40 - 8:00, then i went back to bed woke up again and got to class 5 minutes later (i got lucky!).

Class was okay, there is this Dominican chick (i am also Dominican) i have been checking out. Its too bad she has a kid thou because she is fine, plus she looks at me sometimes and we both kind of flirt with each other which is cool too. S told me at the bar, that her house was kind of wrecked during the hurricane and we embraced a couple of times before i left. She was squeezing me tight and stuff, i could tell she missed me and was going through a hard time, but that is always the case with her, miss me when her life is ****ty and doesn't bother to reply to my texts, or calls when things are good. After i got home rested, i went out again still a little hung over and played all these games of handball. It was really good because i got to see my old handball friends and i played some money games against this Asian kid who is really good, he is like a B player. After winning the first game, losing the second game i got all crazy on him, took off my gloves, took of my shirt and my fanny pack (yes i have a fanny pack), but i still ended up losing (it was close thou 23- 25 him).

Finally, i got home ate like 2 large bowls of pasta (it would be 3 portions), with sauce and avocado, took a hot shower, clean the dishes and then slept for like another 3 hours.

I tried to do some homework but anxiety was killing me. I think what happened was like everytime i tried to answer one of the questions on the discussions (its online my class), i started to have all these thoughts about playing starcraft or watching a show or anything other than the assignment. Sometimes i can like fight it off, but most of the time it is so constant like 5 thoughts every 10 seconds, it is like my mind is on auto drive, i have trouble like thinking about what to fvcking write and **** too because every time i form a thought to write down dealing with the topic, another thought interrupts it and i lose my train of thought. Seriously, there is only so many times you can lose your train of thought before it starts to become like torture. Same thing happens to me when i read too, ill be reading then next thing ill lose my train of thought and start thinking about something non related for like a page in half. Then i have to go back and re-read that portion to understand what the hell is going on while i was thinking.

O boy journal what are you going to do with me xoxo

Oh man i drank too much CAFFEINE and right now i can't calm down so i am properly going to write like a 3 page entry or something to that extent until i find a reason to relax my nerves. Let me talk about my day, it was really crappy. Basically what happened today had to deal with a certain person from a certain vegan restaurant calling me to do deliveries on a bike in Williamsburg and it turned to be a total crap shoot. This is what happened, it wasn't in Williamsburg at all the location was actually in union square and it turned out to be a food vender truck. Second the deliveries were really really far away and totally not worth it, to be honest the only reason i even decided to do the job is because i am really broke right now like 20 bucks in my account, still waiting for unemployment check (this job was off the books), and waiting for my school refund check.

They called me at about 1 o clock asking me to work from 3 till i don't know how late on a Sunday. I was busy playing Starcraft as usual and helping my mom take care of my sisters baby, feeding her and burping her (the baby is a handful fyi, but really cute when she is not crying, which is like all the time). Basically i wasn't ready to leave the house at 2 and ended up leaving around 2:36 which i had to be there by 3:00. I knew i was so freaking late (the train like 45 minutes to the city) so i was like booking it on my bike, i am very fast on the bike like 14 - 16 mph (which is good). I made it to the city in 28 minutes (2 - 3 miles from my house) and then i was at the location by like 3:08 not bad : )

Here is where everything was getting ugly. The first job they gave me was a bag of food going from like union square 14th and 4th ave to 55th and 8th ave? Then i had to go down to like 260 Greenwich st, that's another 70 blocks to pick something up to bring it to like 14th again. Okay, i was a little annoyed but it was my first day, so i was like well, things will get better (they did not). 3 deliveries later (i am not going to get into the details because its boring and consists of a lot of bike riding), i came back told the guy to pay me and quit. I made 25 dollars in 2 hours . . .

The riding was all good, and for once it was better than doing nothing, yet working like an animal for peanuts isn't my cup of tea either.

My mom, was mad too. I think she wants me to get like an office job or something but i have problems getting along with people and controlling my emotions, plus i get very anxious unless i am outdoors. I don't know what i am going to do but i think i am done with bike culture for a long long time. Mostly due to the bad treatment and poor pay, being in shape is great but i think i can get better results in the gym or something to that affect.

Right now i am working at Starbucks because whoever i leech internet off of, has like shut down their connection and unless i find a way to crack into someone else's wifi than basically i am fvcked for a long time. Maybe it is a good thing so i can start working out and stop playing computer games so much. I feel like i am finally starting to come out of my depression from being depressed for at least 2 weeks straight (i was losing my mind). I am realizing more and more that being social is a very necessary element of my life and without it, i am mentally unstable pretty much all the time.

Moving forward i realize that i will have to keep my mind occupied and that will consist of planning my days out. For some reason i feel like i am starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel, however i can just be in one of my manic moods which can come crashing down very quickly in a very short period of time. I call this mood shooting the moon because when i am feeling manic it is like i can do anything, anything is possible from running a marathon, to reading a 600 page book, to beating the best players in handball. Of course once i get tired and realize i am human that mood goes away.

I am going to write 6 moods i have experienced since i started this journal.

Depression (this one is the most consistent in my day)

Anxiety (second most consistent)

Anger (when i used to work i got this one almost all day)

Stress (when i have to do stuff i don't feel like doing i get stressed than i get depressed)

Mania (that is what i am feeling right now, its a good feeling but also bad because i rarely feel it)

Wow, today was the first day where i woke up and didn't feel like ****. Actually i felt the exact opposite, i felt inspired to read, to learn, to grow to better my life. I actually didn't bother looking at the computer at all (thinking the connection was still down). I actually started cleaning my room, and thinking about catching up on all my reading, i bought this book, its called break-through rapid reading. I hope it will make me a faster reading, allowing me to read more books in a shorter span of time (1 book a month is not very fast at all). While i was downstairs cleaning dishes, i got a really bad dose of anxiety. For some reason i decided to listen to music to keep my mind calm while i continued to do dishes, at first i was just going to bare through it but the anxiety was getting worse and worse. This is when i got inspired to write a book, "Living with Anxiety". by ME.

Of course that was just a mental joke to past the time, keep my mind off the anxiety. Well some of you may be wondering what my anxiety feels like cause i talk about it all the time. IT feels like you are trying to concentrate on something and then someone comes out of no where and pinches you in the brain. They continue to pinch your brain and irritate the **** of you until you realize that you can no longer concentrate on the task at hand. Imagine trying to read a book, you read like 2 pages, then someone starts pinching you in the brain over and over making it impossible for you to remain calm. Imagine trying to do homework, then someone pinches you in the brain. Imagine trying to draw a picture (well actually art helps with anxiety, it makes the pinching go away, exercise helps too, so does playing chess).

The root of the problem is focus. There must be books out there about learning to focus, i have one of the worst cases of adult ADHD, i just want to live my life in peace i am 26 freaking years old and i cannot seem to overcome this fvcking anxiety. Sometimes i wonder what my life would be like without it. Okay, i am getting anxiety right now so i am going to go back to cleaning.

This is the other thing i was talking about moods. I spent 1 hour feeling inspired and then i went back to being anxious, i will probably continue to be anxious for another 2 to 3 hours now while i struggle to do basic stuff. My goal right now is to read about how to overcome this problem, but i think it is a lifelong problem that cannot be over come without years and years of therapy, sometimes nothing in life is easy. I wish there was a mental button i could press to make the pinching go away, i once read that you control all your thoughts, feelings and emotions. If that is true i can tell my brain to calm down and it should calm down, hey actually i am calming down right now. The problem with that theory is that you cannot do anything else without emotionally draining yourself to remain calm, and you have to be in a constant state of alertness in order to anticipate and control every thought, mood, feeling that passes through your mind. I remember i was watching this video about this guy who had pain in his leg, another man giving advice to him read in the comments that it is possible to make the pain go away, by simply relaxing that part of his body. In reality what was happening was that the man was focusing so much on his leg that he was keeping the leg muscles tense, and the tenseness was causing him the pain. Well, i am not a mental guru and i don't have that much control over my body, but maybe i can learn.

I feel like i am opening my mind up to new possibilities by channeling my thoughts into this online journal. Already i have recorded many events that have allowed me to understand why i feel the way i do. I need to get back to cleaning but my anxiety is partially gone.

OK, i am feeling it now, that mood that i get into. It is possibly the most dangerous of all my moods. It is the mood when you become ambivalent towards the moment, you don't know if you like what you are doing but you are too lazy to do anything else. It is a mood where you are like sitting down watching tv for like 2 hours, and i think you had enough and maybe you should get up and stretch or make a snack or do something else but you don't want to because your energy level is low.

Here is what happened. I was feeling inspired early to like clean my room, which i did ( i sorted papers, cleaned up dirty dishes, moved clothes around ) then i went down stairs and cleaned some dishes. Then i decided i wanted to do laundry but by the time i came back upstairs i felt emotionally drained so i just sorted some papers and clean garbage. After that i check my internet connection and watch a movie called career courier (or at least half of it). Then i decided to go out and play handball. Boy did i play handball, i road my bike around to like 4 or 5 different courts feeling like i had unlimited energy (which i did). Then i played 7 - 8 games of singles which i won all of them except the last one because i was getting tired and it was a close game anyways. I was feeling so proud of myself that when i got home i decided to take it easy and eat food and vegetate. The plan was suppose to be to work out after i got home. But i realized my muscles were sore and needed rest.

Now, i have been in front of the computer for close to 2 - 3 hours playing Starcraft (god i feel like a loser every time i type that word). There is this one game on the UMS, its called Desert Strike (for Broodwar expansion pack , you probably don't know what i am talking about unless you know about the games that blizzard has released which i have been playing since about 98, you are talking about 14 years of video game playing since the age of about 12 when Diablo first game out, the newer games like Starcraft 2 and Diablo 3 don't remotely interest me because they are soo far from what you would call rogue games ). Ok back to this Desert Strike game, its really addictive and really fun but i have to stop playing it because i am not getting laid and i am hungry all the time (well most of the time, my ramen noodles are starting to run out!).

If it wasn't for this mood of indifference or ambivalence (i don't think i am even using the word correctly) my life would be so much different than what it has become. Ambivalence should be one of the 9 layers of dante's inferno (no seriously) or at least one of the seven deadly sins. Imagine if sloth and wraith had a baby, that would be ambivalence. This is one messed up entry, i know when i go back and read this ****, im going to be thinking to myself, boy Juan you really did it this time didn't you!

On a side note, i have been watching these weird videos about this girl who speaks like some Asian language, i am not sure if its like Korean, Chinese or Japanese.

Anyways here is the video, i am trying to figure out like what is this girl saying, it is like driving me crazy 15 minutes ago and again now that i started thinking about it.

Maybe in the future i will post other videos which amuse me.

I decided to uninstall starcraft. I realize i was getting crazy.

This entry is about delusions. My friend texts me asks me if i am still looking for work, that is what triggered it. A small thought which becomes bigger as my brain starts to fantasize about the different outcomes. God, last night i had a really crazy dream. I don't want to get into all the details but it was really scary the thoughts i was thinking.

I dreamed that i was in this fantasy world that was like out of the discovery channel, and all these creatures were being created, but they weren't regular at all. They were being created like different colors with weird patterns because we were messing around with their growth while they were in the womb/egg/embryo stage. I saw this crane which necks was getting longer, skinny to fat to skinny again, and a hippo which was changing from pink, to white, to purple, with weird patterns along its arms. I imagined myself climbing this giant mountain and at the summit it was my fathers old apartment, like the wall was smashed and i could see the floor with everyone sleeping either in their rooms, or on a bed on the floor, with the TV in the center; there was no wind, no sky, nothing behind me the mountain was there. Everything else was there but not the natural elements like those didn't exist in my minds eye ( elements like exhaustion, or sweat, or smell, . On the TV were similar images, it was a movie. The imagines playing on the movie were really scary but only i could see them everyone else was asleep. I can't really describe what i saw because my memory is fading, it similar to before, a jungle, i just remember it being very vivid and i remember this one scene where someone ejaculates into a birds nest and the chicks when they hatched almost instantly after being ejected on were all pink with little no feathers/hair on their bodies, probably like 4 or 5 chicks in total. I think i got scolded for waking people up in response to watching the movie and then i wake up from the dream with the fuzzy feeling of wishing i could continue it to find out what happens next.

I remember waking up and checking my phone, it was off for like 2 days because i hadn't bothered to charge it. My friend had texted me 2 days ago asking about whether i was still looking for a job or not. I told him yeah, a little while later sitting on the toilet i started to think it was a bad idea, i also started to think i should uninstall that game i have been playing for so much lately. I spent the entire day on the computer yesterday, that must be why i am acting like this.

Yesterday, I saw this movie called career courier. It was about bike messengers, who started their own courier companies and worked for themselves. It was really depressing how none of them made much money. This one guy had been doing it like 19 years and he said the most he ever took home was like 50 k. This other guy was talking about how he got his wife to quit a law firm to work with him doing runs as a courier. Everyone in the film kept talking about how great being a courier is, how they don't have to sit down on a 9 - 5 office job and be stressed all day. They talked about something called psychic benefits. When you take a job you are suppose to measure the phsyic benefits vs the income. Physic benefits are what make the job enjoyable, so this one guy was like you take a job, its 500,000 a year, but its - 100,000 physic benefits, so you still come off with 400,000 and that's good. Then he said being a courier only pays 35,000 - 45,000 a year but its + 200,000 physic benefits, so you come off with 300,000 dollars. Then he claims that you make more money with physic benefits in the end, even thou the math was wrong. Maybe ill put a link to the video on this page, so you guys can watch it if you want.

My mornings keep getting more and more interesting. The more i become introverted, the more my mind starts to get out of control, i am noticing this now. In the past it was like a high, now i realize it is a sickness.

I am also going to put a link to a macaframa video i really like. Enjoy.

The Grass is always Greener on the other side.

I have noticed that my writing has become progressively more fluid as i continue to update this journal on a daily basis. Tonight after playing handball ( 5 games i won all of them ) i decided to drink quite a large dose of caffeine ( medium coffee coolata with whip cream and Oreos from D.D. ). The idea was to do laundry when i came home hoping that i would have enough energy to do so.

Honestly, i am feeling like i jinxed myself early by explaining how fluid my writing has become, only to see it now seeming to feel the way a razor would feel scraping against a chalk board. Either way i must have hit my breaking point earlier because now i feel like i cannot keep staying in doors and i have to go out more. **** it i can't focus i have too much caffeine in my system to write lucidly, ill continue this later when i am not under the influence (of coffee).

Oh man almost 200 views, im getting excited jesus i think i am going to keep this as the one stable thing in my life its been treating me good so far, never says no and always here when i need it. Right now i am going through some very serious withdrawal, i am thinking about playing starcraft like every 5 seconds, it is also taking every bone in my body not to play that fvcking game which i love so much. I know eventually it will go away like i stopped playing runescape, and diablo ii, but right now its really really bad.

I have withdrawn from many things in life, i could tell you all the drugs i have done, or behaviors i have gotten into, the people i became addicted too, the places i would visit, the thoughts that would rage in my mind constantly, the impulses i thrive on, the anger that took over my life, the depression which controlled me throughout my adolescences.

The hardest things in life for me to stop were just 3, cigarettes started smoking at the age of 12 didn't stop till i hit about 22 - 23, self gratification i still can't stop that **** even now, video games started playing when i was like in the 2nd or 3rd grade; i have owned these systems the NES, the SNES, the Genesis, the GAMEBOY, Playstation 1 (yes i had the mod chip which allowed you to play bootleg or downloaded/foreign games), Nintendo 64, Gameboy Advanced, a Computer when that was cheap enough to afford games for DOS, ROMS, etc, Playstation 2, XBOX, and that's it cause after XBOX i left my house for 2 - 3 years.

Everything else for me has been child's play, when it came to withdrawal. There was this time when i turned 24, my parents sent me to South America to live on a farm to over a serious drug addiction which had been ruining my life for close to 8 months. I spent like 3 months up there started smoking some weird Puerto Rican weed/hash, then stopped suddenly went into this crazy psychosis that kept me up for close to 3 days, came back home, drank too much and checked into a psyche ward. I have to stop writing because i am making myself sick again. Every time i talk about my past i start getting pissed off so i have to stop.

I don't even know why i got into that train of thought, it always has to do with patterns. Some progressive some destructive, however when i hit low i get really really low, like beyond rock bottom low, your talking about abysses and chasms and black hole low and ****. When i do good, i do really good maybe i don't do as good as i do bad, but my history is always riding the wave, w/e it may be a wave of destruction ( pixies ), or a wind of clairvoyance. Something i miss doing, is reading. Boy, the books i would read, the places they take you. Some of my favorite books are: Enders Game, or Neuromancer. Something about scifi books is also thrilling and bizarre. Right now i am reading Jane Eyre by the Emily Bronte ( i read withering heights and liked it ), but lately my mind has been in a state of disarray. This firing which i endured has been 2 weeks of utter and complete dystopia. My idea of a good time is either running 5 miles, having sex for 4 hours straight (with a nice body of course), reading an exciting book or riding my bike through traffic, not staying home moping about all day and playing victim. Problem is, its hard, or dam near impossible for me to pull myself out of a funk when i get in one.

Maybe ill finish the story late about the psyche ward and the girl i met and dated by during and after the experience. There are many stories i want to document here, its just hard cause i am very self conscious, and the thing i loathe the most in life is being judged by others.

Excellent, 201 views nice little present for a thanksgiving morning. I am starting to sound like an attention ***** but what little in life i have to look forward to these days is the amount of views i get

Either way i am depressed this morning again, i overslept and woke up late. I have stopped playing starcraft completely now for 2 days and i think i am on my way to recovery. The problem is that i have supplemented my video game playing by watching more videos online and that isn't really productive at all, if i could stop watching videos and starcraft i am sure i would be really really bored. Maybe that is my next goal, no more youtube, hey in a month or so it will be like when i was eight and didn't even know to work a computers let alone spend time on one more than half an hour a day ( i am sure eight year old's today have cell phones and stuff ).

I started reading this book called, "Dark Market how hackers became the new mafia", by Misha Glenny. The book talks about people's addiction to mobile devices and how they go through withdrawal when they don't have their devices often feeling a sense of lose or depression, however it also mentions that this withdrawal only lasts for about 3 days and then they can go back to leading the life they led before they ever had contact with these smart phones. This is my goal, go back to the life i had before the "computer" took over it. Part of the reason i am depressed today, is because i don't have a plan. Really i just want to get drunk and forget about today so i can make this entire weekend pass me by as fast as possible. I was thinking of going to the indoors to play handball but seeing how i am broke, that is probably not going to be an option. The one problem that is really really bad is the fact that i am going to be so late.

I NEED STRUCTURE.

Anyways i am really hungry right now and all my clothes are dirty as fvck. I haven't done laundry in like a week and a half and right now i am literally wearing 2 shorts on top of each other because i have no boxers or pants left in this cold weather. My first plan should be to clean my clothes but i really want to play handball, i have just been waiting to wake up a little more before i left. Also i am lazy and don't want to shower (wow that is pathetic eh), now i know i have it bad, i need a job like ASAP. I was planning to look today but then my mom was like tom. its thanksgiving and i was like fvck. See i am too lazy to even write the word tomorrow.

My little sister is home from college ( she goes to an upstate one where she lives on campus ). We talked a little, i have been trying but she is really introverted like me, she is actually a daddies girl. It is bad when the two of them get together, i can deal with them like one and one but when they combo up they start acting like really snarky and stuff.

Anyways, this entry is boring but its like this show i watch, Naruto Shippuden you have to watch a lot of boring episodes to build up to the good ones. God only knows if every entry was jam packed with excitement i would probably kill myself to live up to the hype. The main difference between me now and me in my teens and early twenties is i don't take risks as much. Somehow i learned along the way that taking a risk is a temporary high and can be excited for the experience and for the days events but down the line it doesn't get you anywhere but broke and in trouble. Somehow i feel like i have become too cautious in my later years, but it has paid off big time, and i can see the difference in the freedoms i choose. Sometimes having a choice is more important than actually choosing what you find is exciting all the time.

It reminds me of the last girl i dated who was an alcoholic, she basically she went to bars every other night or when she had the chance to find men to buy drinks for her. Yeah, it seems fun for a little while, but in the long run she was damaging her kidneys, becoming dependent on a substance, ruining her sleep patterns. No i didn't buy her drinks, that's not how we met at all, in fact she probably doesn't even view the men who buy her drinks as men, she thinks of them as a commodity to be used and disposed of as necessary.

I have been talking to S today, i was going through some old videos of her and me, it made me miss those times so much. Sometimes i wish i had a girl like S in my life, someone who is easy going and likes to be playful and laugh while still working and taking life serious. Too often i don't meet women who have everything i need. Either they are not in good physical shape, or they are not smart enough to hold a conversation with me (not that i am smart but i need someone who can read and write at an eight grade level if you know what i mean?!), or even thou they have intelligence and athleticism, emotionally they are flawed often coming accross as very arrogant because of the few attributes they have, or emotionally flawed in the fact that they cannot be honest.

The main beef i have with women today is cowardliness. I like a women who is straightforward and speaks her mind ( S doesn't really do this either ), instead of lying and deceiving and playing games like a child, i just want someone who wears their heart on their sleeve ( like me ). Many women i meet are more concerned about protecting their ego and their pride. Too often i see this early and i am like, whats the point of spending energy on someone like this?

Anyways, i am going to end it on this note.

Thanksgiving wasn't all that great, i have all this homework to do and my room is still a mess. However, at least i have some stuff to look forward to at least, it seems my unemployment is still pending and i am waiting still waiting for my school refund check to come in. Plus equinox is holding a 8 week class to become a professional trainer and it starts in February so i can start saving until then.

The holidays always bore me because you don't really get to choose your family and there are few family members or friends of family members that i find interesting and can have a conversation with. It was nice to see everyone thou, i feel like i am maturing with age which is a good thing. Somehow, even thou i was grumpy early on from eating too much i didn't let it ruin my entire night and still ended up having a good time. Plus i drank wine and sent out a message to one of my ex's we can call her N. N was an ex from about 2 years ago, i really liked this girl a lot, i kind of wanted to have babies with her. Man we would have had some sexy children together because she has like red hair and blue eyes, and i have like black hair and blue eyes. I don't know why but a lot of ladies like my eyes because i have a dark skin complexion and it makes my eyes stand out a lot as they are very light sometimes almost grayish blue.

In the past i handled relationships very poorly and often got mad too easily, i think i still get mad but with experience of dating you know what to expect and look for, when problems arise you are better prepared for them because after one girl gives you problems, you are like isn't this what happened last time, and then you are more aware of what is going on. I think the hardest part of being in a relationship is not knowing what is going on or not knowing what to do in a relationship, sometimes the confusion causes stress, actually 99% of the time confusion causing stress in the relationship. People who are confident thou, know what is going on so they don't get stressed as easily.

I had another dream last night, however, it is so late in the day that i can hardly remember it anymore. I keep falling into this pattern of saying i am going to bed early and then end up staying up till like 1 or 2 in the morning. I don't know why but i am really tired right now and fatigue is taking over very quickly. For some reason whenever i am not working, i will always have dreams, it is when i start to work again that they will go away. The holiday season is making me very horny, my body is telling me to find something nice, soft and warm to slip into. I can't even remember the last time i had unprotected sex because i haven't been able to meet anyone familiar or anyone who would get tested with me. It is like a really nice treat to do it without a rubber thou because i am hyper sensitive down there and for me to wear a condom its like there is no point really ( i get frustrated within like 20 - 30 minutes and usually just pull out of the girl tell her to get dressed and stuff ). The girls are always stupefied when i do this, and they can tell i am not really having a good time, or i can't really get into it but it seems like they don't care as long as they one off. Well enough about that, i need to find a women this holiday season and not just for exchanging of fluids, i feel like i am ready to open myself up for a real connection this time.

If i do meet a girl i will hold off on sex for at least 5 dates, maybe 6 if she is really special and try to befriend her first. For me its really hard to establish connections with females because oftentimes i don't trust them with anything more than being able to lie under me naked for about 15 - 25 minutes. Yeah, i realize that sounds really sexist but i have been fvcked over so many times that for me its like why am i going to bother trusting the ladies.

MY phone is fvcked up, i need to buy a new one and my head feels like its about to explode. I need to make more friends.