A lonely road

Hope you can offer insight?

Growing up, dad was a policeman and mum was at home sometimes doing part time work.

It was rocky. dad I recall, was always Nice to me. Mum not so much.

There was always a volatile atmosphere and it got worse the older my sister and I got.

I remember being aware of sexual things from a young age.

I also recall getting naked and making my sister do the same and lay on top of each other.

Aside from that, memories didn't happen until I was 23 and went to see a counsellor/therapist while at university as the doctor saw me and I spontaneously broke down in tears. He said I wasn't coping and had depression. During my second counselling session I was discussing the violence at home and violence from my mother when no one was there. All of a sudden a word she said in the memory triggered sexual abuse memory regarding my father.

Forcing his genitalia in my mouth aged approx 2 -4 it always seemed to be in a bathroom or toilet setting, at home or out possibly, I've always had fear of men alone, getting in to cars with a man which leads me to think the abuse was either in a car or I was driven to a public toilet for the act to be performed. I have memories of it always surrounding my father going to the toilet and me having to say "bye bye" to his penis as he put it away, then it progressed.

The actual memory only came out of him violently forcing his penis in my mouth 10 years ago.

He exposed himself to me when I was 13 and in school uniform too.

However, I sat on all this, then when I was pregnant mum made a weird comment "let's hope it's a girl, your dad likes little girls"

He was also very inappropriate about me discussing breast feeding making innuendos

When my son was born there was such a rush of love for him that took over.

I went to see my parents and I wouldn't let dad hold him, he went to stroke his cheek and in my head I was freaking out!! Didn't want him near him.

Mum must have realised and confronted me, saying "I don't want to do this, but there's something you're not telling me, tell me just tell me" she was forcing it so I only told her a few things not Sbout him forcing his penis,.

At first she believed me then didn't, my sister brands me a liar as does my mother and everyone in the family. They won't speak to me

I told my mum we could build bridges but dont want dad near us. She said "if I choose to believe these things then we cannot progress"

That was the last I heard from her, a year ago. They don't know if I'm dead or alive or if I'm ok!!

It's awful going through this, being begged to confide in your mother to be disowned, iknow they are toxic but it hurts. I dreamt about it all last night.

My sisters husband is a policeman too and they've branded me a mad trouble maker.

I'm no longer with my partner so it's really hard.

Don't you EVER visit your father, mother or sister again in your entire life. You need to get away from toxic in your life instead of digesting it as you are doing now. Your father is NOT a police officer, he is a CRIMINAL , weren't it for the lack of proof you should have gone to his boss and tell him your dad abused you during your childhood, i think its unfortunate that there is no evidence concerning this, and your dad knowing the law, i think it will be hard to ever put a case against him, him putting his penis in your mouth might have meant a nice ride for him, but it completely traumatized and devastated your entire life, for him it means nothing, he just does it and moves on with his life, while for you every day is a struggle. I feel very sorry for you, that you had to experience such an awfull event, and i want to support you in the knowledge that you are not the only one who has gone through this.

You must follow the pathway to the restoration of your mind and soul. Meditation, forgiveness and theraphy to get through this mess, so that you more or less can have a normal life and function in society.

First off all you should NEVER blame yourself, its NOT your fault that this has happened, no one asks for this to happen, no one can experience this without getting traumatized at such a young age. I am sorry to say this but your father and mother are SICK individuals, who gave you a crappy unhealthy education.

I recommend a (slighty religious but good book) link removed called the wounded heart as a second starting point to heal your heart. ( i dont earn anything from this , just recommending)

It's so hard to detach from family, even if they're not good for you. You really want to be a good daughter and sister and just wish that they could see past the secrets and the denial.

In your other thread, you've asked if we think there might be other victims. It's very possible. Does your dad have a PC? I'm thinking that if he is a pedophile, there will something damning on that computer, because pedophiles usually collect pictures and videos and join like-minded groups.

Did he ever volunteer at any activities with children present? If you feel he has sexually abused any other children, you can speak to your therapist about what road to take - he/she might recommend reporting your abuse so that an investigation can be initiated.

Please try to nurture your friendships throughout this ordeal. You can't pick your family, but you can pick your friends, and they can help you get through this terrible time.

That's awful, i currently have another serious legal matter I'm dealing with (abusive ex) police failure !! Unsure I have strength to fight my dad in court but I am concerned there's more victims

You need to STAY AWAY FROM THEM!!! Your dad is dangerous pedophiles don't have a sexual preference(they view children as objects) your sister may be in denial but still I would cut off all contact your son comes first.