Why would he do this?

I posted yesterday about a guy I was dating for 5 months that broke up with me, kind of out of the blue. Just a few days before the break up he told me that he was excited about us growing together and that maybe in 6-8 months, we could talk about me moving in. He told me he loved me, that he didn't want to start over with anyone else and that he really liked dating me. I mean, Sunday we were sitting on his porch drinking coffee and talking about what we were thinking about getting each other for Christmas.

Wednesday we had plans to get sushi and watch a movie together up until 3pm. It was then he sent me a text saying call me when I got off work. I did and basically he told me that he didn't think he loves me, we couldn't be together anymore, he has too much going on with school, work and other commitments and that he was tired of disappointing me when he wasn't able to do something with me because he had to study, etc. He said he just needed to focus on himself and work on bettering himself. He said he was sorry. My response was that I felt like he was making a mistake, that we have so much in common and work together so well. I told him it was really hard to believe that he didn't love me because his behavior towards me when we were together said otherwise. I also said he seemed confused about his life and what he wants and that he needed time to himself. He said he was sorry again and we got off the phone. That was Wednesday at 5pm.

Last night I was feeling good, watching Magic Mike and having a glass of wine. It was about 930pm and my phone went off. It was him. He said "I just want you to know I'm really sorry this happened ".

I'm REALLY mad he did that. Why???? He already told me he was sorry multiple times on the phone when he broke up with me. He is not the emotional kind and I NEVER expected him to reach out and say anything to me. It left me with so many thoughts in my head like "well, is that it now?", "will I hear from him again?", "is he having second thoughts?", "what was the point in that?", "is he starting to think he made a mistake?".

This sucks

Even though he does not love you/want to be with you, he feels badly for hurting your feelings. I've never had an ex NOT make those sorts of follow-up comments in an effort to assuage their guilt. I don't think it means much, other than nobody likes to feel like the bad guy.

Even though he does not love you/want to be with you, he feels badly for hurting your feelings. I've never had an ex NOT make those sorts of follow-up comments in an effort to assuage their guilt. I don't think it means much, other than nobody likes to feel like the bad guy.

He already said he was sorry, multiple times, on Wednesday.

I just feel like he is making a huge mistake. Is time and space the only way for him to see that?

Or is there no chance for him to see that?

What he *said* in the call wasn't the point. The contact was. The PROVOCATION... the re-stirring up of your feelings for him.

He's trying to keep you warm.

Potential reasons:

[a] he's unexpectedly met someone else whom he suspects is better suited to him but isn't sure (or was at the point where he dumped you and then suddenly wasn't) and wants to keep you as a safetynet should he end up falling... which requires leaving you with as good an impression of him as possible;

you said or did something that hit him between the eyes because it majorly contradicted thus undid your otherwise seeming keenness noises as matched his own level, meaning he's taken this risk of losing you (which, high-stakes, all-or-nothing, poker-playing, many high-testosterone men will do) so that the experience of loss of him will leave you KEENER.

[c] he's an over-guarded type, heart-wise, thus prefers the Master position to the woman's Servant (control against being hurtable) rather than an equal relationship with equal risk, and because just recently you - having gained or begun to show more confidence - went and asserted your needs and/or rights that bit too well for his liking, he's now manipulating you into the Forevermore Walking On Eggshells position: Obviously, if he seemingly can chuck you on a whim when everything's supposedly hunkydory, he could do so that much easier at any point in the future following a reconcilation, in response to you putting your foot down... and, no warning signs to read and by which to readjust your approach accordingly being present, you had better play it very safe and REFRAIN from asserting yourself.

You do know what's what *somewhere* in your mind despite it's too slippery to grasp and articulate, so... which made your jello most go Ping! when you read it?

xoxo

I don't think the first one is the case. I'm not sure when he would meet someone else and have the time to allow that to grow. He is SUPER busy during the week and is with me the entire weekend. Plus (and I dont want to sound cocky - just confident) I don't know what girl would top me? I guess I see that we already have so much in common and enjoy our time spent together plus I'm attractive, nice, college degree, in my career, make pretty good money for my age. I think I'm a great catch. And if for some odd reason there was someone else, good riddance, because that is his loss.

The second two are what I think the problem is. The lack of contact during the week and questioning things really started when I told him he needed to make a decision about whether or not it we would be getting a place together in December (something that was discussed by BOTH of us, not just brought up by me). That was when the whole "omg, if we move in together then you will expect me to marry you right away, then kids, omg omg". Then it was omg you left a knife in the sink instead of putting it in the dishwasher...dumb stuff like that.

He was also previously engaged and the girl cheated on him 9 months into the relationship. I feel like as the time got closer to make a decision about a commitment, such as living together, things changed and it was "oh I don't have time", "its not fair for to you", "I feel like I'm disappointing you", "I have so many things I want to accomplish".

Well he told my sister's boyfriend that it sucked to hurt me and that he was sorry but he doesn't have the time or the drive to be in a relationship.

I don't buy it, it sounds like he met someone else.

I also agree that he's still unsure and wants to keep you on the back-burner in case it doesn't pan out with this other person!

Just totally my opinion, but I wouldn't be taking anything he's told you at face value right now. I'd just continue with the NC and try to move on. I don't think this is the last you'll be hearing from him, either.

I don't buy it, it sounds like he met someone else.

 

I also agree that he's still unsure and wants to keep you on the back-burner in case it doesn't pan out with this other person!

 

Just totally my opinion, but I wouldn't be taking anything he's told you at face value right now. I'd just continue with the NC and try to move on. I don't think this is the last you'll be hearing from him, either.

Well, seriously, since he texted me last night, my stomach has been in even more knots and I have just felt uneasy.

So I just sent him a text saying "You can't contact me like you did last night for things like saying I'm sorry. I know you're sorry. If you want to work things out you are more than welcome to contact me and we can talk. I just can't have someone, who I thought was the one and I thought felt the same way, making me wonder when he's going to cal, is he thinking about me, etc. I think you are making a HUGE mistake and I hope you see that".

I don't buy it, it sounds like he met someone else.

 

I also agree that he's still unsure and wants to keep you on the back-burner in case it doesn't pan out with this other person!

 

Just totally my opinion, but I wouldn't be taking anything he's told you at face value right now. I'd just continue with the NC and try to move on. I don't think this is the last you'll be hearing from him, either.

Maybe he did. I just don't know when he would have done that. He hasn't had much luck with girls since his ex fiance. I find it hard that he meets two great girls within 5 months of each other.

How long was he broken up when you got together ?

How long was he broken up when you got together ?

I think their engagement ended in 2008. He has dated girls here and there but no one longer than a year. He told me that they just didn't work for him. The hours were different, different interests, they cheated, etc. When we met he said he was beginning to give up hope that he would ever meet anyone that was exactly what he wanted...and then he met me.

I understand that he has a lot going. I believe in May he will be completing his 2 year degree at the local community college and is applying to a 4 year college. He has stressed to me about how worried he is about having the grades to get in and how much it means to him. On top of that he works 40 hours a week and refs soccer games for additional money. He is moving into his own place in the middle of December and he always talked about how there was just so many things he had to deal with.

I'm not going to wait around but I'm not interested in dating anyone. I can't help but to feel like this is temporary. Maybe once some of these things are dealt with, he will come around.

Could be he is just snowed under , but bear in mind that you shouldn't waste any time waiting for him, as you can never be sure they're going to change their mind

Could be he is just snowed under , but bear in mind that you shouldn't waste any time waiting for him, as you can never be sure they're going to change their mind

Snowed under??

Heavy workload / pressure ... snowed under ...

Snowed under??

Heavy workload / pressure ... snowed under ...

I figured that was what it meant Yea, I'm not going to sit around hoping that he will come around. We didn't have a bad break up at all so maybe there is hope.

Amandacast,

I think he's spooked himself. I think HE raised the topic of cohabiting in order merely to provoke you into feeling you could reveal your true feelings. I also think he thinks you're not keen enough NOT TO HURT HIM and has mistakenly contextualised "cool/chilled" attitude as indicative of a woman either predisposed to cheat or already cheating (hence her "odd" confidence to remain philosophical about it possibly ending). What I mean specifically, is this:

"He told me that they just didn't work for him." That's tantamount to him telling you that you're the one and only viable whilst there's you there's you with a 'plenty more fish' philosophy.

You're dealing with his baggage here. He's got two minds: one wants a relationship but doesn't want to get hurt at the outset, the other doesn't want a relationship (except where there's a cast-iron guarantee) that will seemingly succeed and whereby he'll find himself hurt even harder much further down the line....but you're too tempting, regardless of either. So he's in, he's out, he's in, he's out..and prior to this meatier discussion, you simply never saw the symtoms, this vacillating, emerge into the open.

What I'm saying is he has fear of failure and fear of success (as, misassumptively on his part, leads to greater failure) *both*. And because he's busy, this circumstance provides him a great excuse for what he can't possibly grasp and articulate. Yet NOTE!... he was busy when he chose to enter this relationship. Right? Excuse.

So I think what he's doing - amongst other things, i.e. this is a multi-angled experiment - is trying to find out how you really feel thus exactly HOW safe he is with you by providing an extreme crunch situation in which to definitively litmus you. He cannot, therefore, also risk allowing you meantime to be convinced this is over (hence the re-contact/re-stirring of affections) or you could go off with someone new and become a burnt bridge. He wants TIME. Time that *he* has control over.

This may be a case of Right Person, Right Place, Wrong Time... he's still too post-traumatically confused to know how to act/react, what to act/react to, what means Danger, what means Safety, etc., etc., etc. Or, given some space and time, he might decide he CAN manage to walk up the relationship path with you despite his massive limp.

In the meantime, by 'spooked' I also mean that he's REALISED how out-of-control he's behaving and really doesn't like this veering off from his normal, more relaxed and in-control self.

What do you want? Do you want him back and are prepared to make an allowance given his history and wait-without-waiting for him to somewhat regain himself OR do you think it would be easier and simpler to move onto the next interview candidate? Or do you simply not know yet? I ask this because at the end of the day, someone as independent-minded as yourself will end up doing what you want, anyway. But you have to know *what exactly* you're aiming at if you're going to have an aim that's true.

xoxo

In his defense, he was not as busy when I first started dating him. We started dating in May, when classes were out. I had also just been laid off so I literally stayed every night at his house until I was hired by the company I am at now. His downtime was not dedicated to studying, it was dedicated to doing things with me. He expressed many times his concern of keeping my interest once school started. He said that he felt like I wouldn't like the lack of time he had and would leave. I told him that I had been there, done that when it comes to school and was willing to support him through it. Guess it was ironic that I was the one ok with the lack of time and he was the one who ended up leaving.

What do I want? Well, I want him to realize he is making a mistake. Reading through these boards, I have read story after story of how poorly treated people were, people being cheated on, left for someone "better", etc etc. I know how hard it is to find someone these days who is true to you and also someone you have a deep connection with. I find it odd that after giving his heart to his fiance and it basically being put in a blender, then dating girls that were not compatible, to FINALLY find someone that he told me so many times was EVERYTHING he wanted, and to just let it go.

I guess the wait without waiting for him is what is going to happen. Not necessarily because I am sitting around waiting for him, but because I just don't have interest in finding anyone else right now. My heart hurts, I thought I found the one and I'm not ready to just give up on something I thought was fine. The break up wasn't bad. Neither of us cheated. There wasn't anything about the other person that didn't work. The relationship wasn't broken or needed anything fixed.

I also don't want to sit around and beg for him to work things out - ABSOLUTELY NOT! But maybe just give it some time and see how he deals. Maybe then go get some coffee or dinner?? I don't even know how to go about it. I don't want to not say anything because I don't want him to think I'm not interested.

You've made it abundantly clear to him that you think this is a mistake, you want things to work out, you want him to change his mind, you still want to be together, etc. Him thinking you aren't interested is the absolute least of your worries. The ball is squarely in his court. Unfortunately, your desire for things to work and your willingness to work on it doesn't mean much if he is not equally willing. I think him saying he doesn't have the "drive" to try speaks volumes. He has to want to try.

I'll also add this bit based on having been on both sides of these things... as the dumpee, it's so tempting to keep telling them what a mistake they're making, how much they'll regret their decision, how totally awesome you are together, how they can't really mean they don't love you because otherwise they would not have said/done XYZ, etc. I think we've all done it, and I've always kicked myself in retrospect for trying to peddle the relationship to someone who has decided - for whatever reason - that they do not want it anymore. As the person doing the dumping, it is extremely annoying to have someone trying to sell you on why your feelings are wrong/invalid.

I'll also add this bit based on having been on both sides of these things... as the dumpee, it's so tempting to keep telling them what a mistake they're making, how much they'll regret their decision, how totally awesome you are together, how they can't really mean they don't love you because otherwise they would not have said/done XYZ, etc. I think we've all done it, and I've always kicked myself in retrospect for trying to peddle the relationship to someone who has decided - for whatever reason - that they do not want it anymore. As the person doing the dumping, it is extremely annoying to have someone trying to sell you on why your feelings are wrong/invalid.

I said my peace about that when he was breaking up with me. I havent contacted him since other than AFTER he sent me the text saying "I just want you to know I'm sorry this happened" and me saying that he can't contact me to tell me things like hes sorry, because I know he his and that if he wants to contact me about getting back together then he can.

I have certainly been the dumpee who has tried to stay in the picture for multiple reasons like if I'm there they won't forget about me or if I stop calling/texting they will think I'm uninterested. I'm not doing it this time. I said what I needed to say and yes, the ball is in his court now. I certainly want him to take the time to be by himself, to not have anyone to cuddle with, get sweet text messages from, no one to talk to, no one to spend time with on the weekends, be the 5th wheel during Thanksgiving and Christmas, not have his partner for Call of Duty (silly I know). I feel like that is when it sets it and he misses me, not because I'm constantly reminding hm of how great I am. I know I'm a good catch. I dont need to remind anyone of that.

You've made it crystal clear to him that YOU think he's making a mistake. Problem is, HE may not think he's making a mistake. You need to acknowledge that fact. You've done all you can do, it's his call now.

You really should have been like, yeah that's fine, good luck. The accepting response usually catches them more off guard.

You really should have been like, yeah that's fine, good luck. The accepting response usually catches them more off guard.

Did it ruin it that I didn't?

He obv wanted to be single and explore other options.

He obv wanted to be single and explore other options.

 

Other options like girls? I just don't feel like that is the case. He has stated that he doesn't have time to be in a relationship. I'm pretty good at reading stuff like that. My previous ex definitely wanted to explore his options and I knew that.