"Why does a title matter so much to you? We're pretty much a couple..."

Those were her words a month ago. We've been seeing each other for 6 months.

My question: How do we move forward?

I am ready, she says she's "95% ready" which is arbitrary, but much closer than it's been before now.

We met in a very unconventional way - just getting out of unsatisfying relationships. (before you dismiss this as just a rebound, please read on...thanks!) Both of us wanted to just have fun. However...with sparks, chemistry, comfort and tender feelings it became more within a month and a half. I realized I didn't want "just fun," I was simply in the wrong relationship. We promised exclusivity. Now, at 6 months we're in love. I have no interest in being with any other girl. She just has my heart in a way I've never felt before. Sounds great, right?

I'm ready for a full relationship with her. I don't want anyone else. I do want a girlfriend. She says she only wants me. It always feels so right when we're together. And now, she says she's 95 % ready, but needs more baby steps.

The "baby steps":

1) Gradually introduce me to her friends and family as she feels ready. (at first, I was really weary of not being introduced. I felt compartmentalized. After all, isn't that a red flag, usually? BUT...she has explained many times that she was badly hurt from the humiliation of being dumped and "thrown out" of the apartment by her ex. Also, she's just painfully shy about her love life from what I can see.)

2) For her to be ready to call us boyfriend and girlfriend. (I've been ready for a while, and have exercised patience. I'd feel so much more secure with a title, is that so ridiculous? To me it's a statement of commitment. Simply saying "We're exclusive. We're pretty much a couple" to each other or to a couple of friends is not enough for me.

Another challenge: She works sometimes 7 days/week. She wants "me" time and time to hang out with her friends. This leaves us very little time, especially since I haven't even met her friends yet. Yet, she says she wants us to be together, but that we need to take baby steps. Of course I want to be supportive and a good partner. But, I've been trying to be so patient with this, and not knowing her friends and not having a title is getting to me...I want the commitment and I'll feel so much better.

My question again: How do we make forward progress to full commitment? I don't want to be stuck in a once or twice-a-week holding pattern limbo!

Thank you for reading and for your thoughtful, mature advice

Id let her in my life and then try to make her cut down her working days, 1+1 = 2 incomes (im just guessing) and that divided should hopefully be sustainable for a household, and if the two of you earn enough she can cut down her working days, and create more time to be with you.

As for the commitment issues, lets face it, you ll never have certainty, some couples divorce after 20 years, the sooner you learn how she is the quicker you can divorce so to speak, what i am trying to say is, stop being a prisoner of fear, you ll never know what is behind that door until you open it, it might be scary, but being stuck in the same place is worse because there will never be any progress. Open that door and move forward, if you find it is the wrong door later in life, go back, and try another door. Just give it a try.

Ooff this is a toughy.

Commitment can't be forced, and it can't be pushed.

All you can do is know your limits and needs, communicate them, and listen to hers...and if you are the one in the position of wanting more...you can decide how long you are willing to wait for a certain level of commitment and how long, if you stuck around, it would be where you would start to resent or feel unhappy if it didn't happen...

By the way, I think wanting what you want at this time in the relationship is pretty damn normal and makes a lot of sense! Obviously she isn't "wrong" but she is stalling on making a commitment. ANd you need to think about at what point, that really isn't going to work for you.

The solution? Be flexible. If meeting for a late night dessert or an early morning coffee or lunch on her weekend workdays is something you can do - do it. Have your date night or whatever but she needs time to handle her other business. Also, you say don't judge a rebound, but she is not ready to be in a full fledged relationship yet. She hasn't fully healed from her ex kicking her out.

Id let her in my life and then try to make her cut down her working days, 1+1 = 2 incomes (im just guessing) and that divided should hopefully be sustainable for a household, and if the two of you earn enough she can cut down her working days, and create more time to be with you.

 

A

really?talking about combining incomes already? Not the best solution.,

I think your stomach is telling you aplenty...

You both sound like you have different needs in a relationship. You like to feel fully committed, she likes to take her time and feel more independent. Her independence is going to stress you out, and your higher needs will stress her out. When your needs aren't met, you will push harder for them, she will run away which will cause you to chase and her to run further.

While capable of working, if the full attention is giving by both sides, I think it will take a lot of work to get this relationship going to the place where you are both relaxed and happy all the time. Having experienced this before myself, you might find that the constant trying and seemingly going nowhere may be too much for you both. Sooner or later, after a long period of going out of your head, you may have the harder question for yourself. Should I let this go and find someone that is looking for what I'm looking for?

Ooff this is a toughy.

By the way, I think wanting what you want at this time in the relationship is pretty damn normal and makes a lot of sense! Obviously she isn't "wrong" but she is stalling on making a commitment. ANd you need to think about at what point, that really isn't going to work for you.

Itsallgrand, thanks for your feedback and for affirming that it's not so ridiculous to want a commitment after 6 months. Ughh...this whole not having a full girlfriend thing has really got me down.

You brought up another good point - it's up to me to decide when this won't work anymore. I will say that she works hard and I see that she makes the extra effort to see me. And it is her that I want. So, thanks again.

Thank you all for your feedback and thoughtful words.

Abitbroken, it was reassuring to hear that it's not uncommon to need more time to fully recover. She has told me she's been long over her ex, and that it was the best thing to happen. However, she has also said that she's been so scared of getting hurt. I just wish I understood the whole not getting introduced yet to friends thing. But, I'm taking a leap of faith.

Best of luck to all of you in finding the happiness and satisfaction you seek!

Just say you want to see her 3x a week. This isnt unreasonable for someone you supposedly LOVE.

You havent met her friends yet? ***. That is weird.

Dont bring up the fact that you want a title anymore. In fact, you need to start getting some power back in this relationship. Go hang out with homegirls she doesnt know, dont ask to hang out anymore, make her miss you - this will make her rethink the value of considering your feelings regarding a title for what you two have going on. Cause right now it doesnt seem like she gives an eff.

When you see things from your perspective only, you can't understand the other person's. I am not entirely convinced this isn't a rebound for her. Either way, she does not want what you want. You have to set your own personal limits. IF she cannot give it to you (freely), don't try to force it. Just walk away.

She's mincing words, and that's a red flag for me. "Yeah, we're sorta kinda an exclusive couple, if you really want to think about it that way, but why do I have to wear the label 'girlfriend' when you can just tell yourself technically in your heart I have all traits commonly attributed to said title?"

She might as well say "Do I HAVE to tell people you're my boyfriend?"

It reminds me of that old Simpsons episode where Bart's mother is trying to get Bart to say he loves his sister, and he hems and haws, then finally says "Okay well you know it and I know it and everybody knows it so can we just assume it's true and move on already?"

Your girlfriend is Bart Simpson. After six months, she's Bart Simpson.

While I wouldn't recommend game playing, Klokwurk has a point; maybe not finding a life specifically to make her miss you, but find a life nonetheless. Do more for yourself. Overcommit socially, so that when the time comes that you two might be hanging out, you might end up with other plans. Meet new people, take up a new hobby. You're waiting around for her to grace you with her precious moments, and that's not fair to either of you. She's not growing as a partner, and you're not respecting yourself.

95% is not a 100%. So she's still not ready, she's holding back on you because she's probably not interested in merging together to make a relationship. Yet, she's trying to talk the kind of lingo that you want to hear to keep you from running off. So my guess is that she really does want to be with you, but she doesn't want to be with you. Make sense. It's the old one foot in the door and one foot out mentality. She wants you just enough so that nobody else can have you, but at the sametime she doesn't want the responsibility. She says that a title doesn't matter and that you guys are pretty much a couple and that's BS. Titles do matter. That's just a way of her manipulating the situation to suit her needs. Kids are afraid of titles; Adults should not be. If you're an item, you're an item. If your in a relationship, your in a relationship, what's the big deal? You might as well be if you both don't wish to talk to anybody else. Red flags are flying on this one and I'm worried that as your feelings get more intense, she's going to drop the bomb on you. I would be careful with this one.

Just did this. Run the **** away mate. Run as fast as u can and keep your dignity. The only way she'll take u as a partner and not a rebound is months and months and months of NC and then an accidental reconciliation. Work on yourself the whole time of NC even looking for someone much better. There's a girl who will commit and give u what u need.

The solution? Be flexible. If meeting for a late night dessert or an early morning coffee or lunch on her weekend workdays is something you can do - do it. Have your date night or whatever but she needs time to handle her other business. Also, you say don't judge a rebound, but she is not ready to be in a full fledged relationship yet. She hasn't fully healed from her ex kicking her out.

 

really?talking about combining incomes already? Not the best solution.,

AGREE. She sounds like an independent soul building a career. She may be recovering her career a bit after disruption brought about by the distraction of the BU 6 m back. She may be sensitive to people thinking she dates a lot. Women and men are subject to different standards, in subtle ways, and between social pressures and traditional parenting, it can take a woman a long time to own herself with regards to her personal relationships. You started out as casual, and it grew. She told her friends it was casual, now she has a credibility problem. She needs time to let the relationship mature.

To X's suggestion of moving in and curtailing her hours: in many fields, this would simply lead to job loss. I have worked in consulting and banking fields, and in some cases, relationships were maintained while not even knowing what city one's SO is in. Travel can be sudden, assignments and demands can be fluid. Being unavailable on the weekends is possible, but at some cost. You might applaud her independence and decide whether you can move at her pace.

Does it ever happen that two adults with active lives full of commitment arrive at the same place at the same time? Are we looking for a relationship with someone, or someone with whom we want a relationship?