How to Deal with a Curve Ball I NEVER Saw Coming (death by puns)

I'm really, really on the fence about posting this, for a number of reasons. First, it's just plain...something that feels in between embarrassing and humiliating. Second, I feel extremely exposed about some very private, painful things with this story. And third, part of me feels that the guy in question may not be worthy of the amount of writing I'm about to launch, and it gives him and this too much power (and as usual, my apologies and warnings that this could be daunting to the "give me the gist" readers. So yeah, this is gonna be a bit of a saga, for anyone who wants to leave now, lol.)

I guess I also see myself as someone who usually knows how to communicate when communication is necessary. And therefore, I need to go with my gut. But this situation is SO out of any sort of normal realm for me, I'm stumped. And I'll admit, feeling confused by a dizzying array of emotions.

This story won't make sense without my first explaining that I have a long-standing serious health condition which affects my immune system and causes me a great deal of physical pain. You wouldn't think so most of the time, looking at me (in fact, I gather most people find me decent looking with a decent figure). People are routinely very surprised when/if I tell them about this, but usually as any relationships are developing (but especially prospective intimate ones), it's inevitable that I have to bring this up, which gives me routine fear and dread. This is but one reason I have not sought out NSA/ONS types of encounters, and only have rarely experienced "lite" versions of such in my life.

In the last couple of years, a number of very destabilizing and traumatic events and the attendant stress have greatly exacerbated my disorder, to the point that I haven't even wanted to think about romance, sex, intimacy or dating. My last physically intimate touch was five years ago. And while missing this aspect of life is never far from my mind, I've been biding my time, hoping that I turn some corner with my situation and feel more viable than I do right now. So that's been the running state of affairs -- until like, literally a week ago.

As it happens, I'm temporarily not at my usual residence (long story), and staying in a room my mother is renting, in a large house with several tenants. I've been here about 4 months. I thought this would be a great sanctuary to do some recuperative work, because it's situated in a lovely, quiet and peaceful place. But my stay here has been anything but peaceful due to unbelievable dysfunction within the landlady's family (who live with her in the house, too.) These people have turned out to be hostile, bullying, manipulative towards me...long list of trainwreck descriptors. So I'm going to be leaving at the end of this month, and have another place lined up already.

On to the meat of the matter, the only bright spot for me here (up until now, anyway) has been the roomie nearest me, as we share one corner of the house to ourselves, with a small area in between our rooms, where he's placed his tv/loveseat. When my mom checked out this place she met him and described him as "a young body builder from Texas with his cap turned backwards, eating pizza", who was extremely polite and friendly. My thinking at that time was, other than the eating pizza, I can see we won't have anything in common, so cool, I'm not looking to socialize much anyway.

It took us a while to actually meet even after I moved in, because for some reason, each time one of us passed or used our common areas, the other had gone. But this started to create some intrigue for me, especially since there was always this really heady aroma of cologne he'd leave in his tracks. And just seeing his stuff in the bathroom we share, and in the shower aroused something in me. Curiosity, a bit of anticipation...it's weird, but this stuff carried handsome energy all around it. So even before I met him, I was escalating what felt like this totally wrong, totally irrational, illicit crush. Finally, we intercepted eachother and it was worse than I thought -- he was so beyond cornea-scorching, and I have to admit, it made me worry a bit about myself, haha. He warmly welcomed me to the house, shaking my hand, with an amazing, disarming smile. And he also told me it was okay to use the tv and loveseat he'd put in that common area between our rooms, so he was obviously really chill.

I told myself there was no harm in admiring and looking, but honestly...you'd have to be in a coma as a woman not to feel something stir over this man. Michelangelo himself would have dropped the chisel and said, "Screw it, I can't do this justice." Dictionary definition of tall, strapping, bristling manly strength in its prime, and best of all, with that smoldering dark look that gets me, with facial features to match. The ironic thing is that anyone who has followed my posts here knows that physique is not a major criterion for me in any way, I don't go for stereotypical "hunks" or jocks as a rule (because our values and interests are often predictably so different), so this intense attraction I felt caught me very much off guard.

But I'm good at playing cool, and so I kept my infatuation well under control. I won't lie, for a good while, my heart would skip a little faster whenever we passed eachother, and in the few words we'd exchange (while always friendly, he was also aloof and I could tell, private). But a few things started to temper this feeling, as we engaged in more conversation gradually over time. I could tell he was the sort to be living in a state of youthful invincibility, and all that goes with that. The typical -- women on tap, drinking on tap, burning the candle at both ends. Not that I didn't take to him -- he's a smart dude, with a bright future, putting himself through school and working long hours in fine dining. He could be a gentleman, and I liked that about him. We could talk about politics, and I liked that. He is getting certified as a personal trainer, and as someone who used to be in athletics and am very health conscious myself (in part due to my health issues), we did have things to talk about. Gradually, I came to feel much more like a completely platonic buddy, and the novelty of his looks and mystique wore off, which was a relief. As we got more familiar, I started to feel more like a big sister. Whew, I thought! Back in my element.

What bonded us most was the madness here, with the family. He'd never been a direct target of their hostility until an event about 2 months ago which involved us both. And at that point, we mutually began talking about wanting to move the hell out and he suggested we'd make good roomies, since we got on fine together and had the same mellow/tidy attitude. (On a side note, we befriended another renter, a girl around his age, who wanted to join us in our plan to leave.) For a while, the plan was we'd try to find a place with 3 bedrooms and leave en masse. Then it got watered down, and further watered down, until he expressed to me that he needed to look for his own private studio for practical reasons, and it seemed we would have to go our separate ways.

At that point, it seemed our interactions became less and less, and he seemed to distance himself from me. He became more cool toward me, which was kind of a bummer, because I was just starting to feel a warm connection. But I put on my big girl pants and told myself it was all for the best, and this chapter of weirdness would close.

A week ago, I came home in the evening to see him studying on the loveseat. I had had a pure awful day, was feeling exhausted and unwell, and wearily asked him what our cleaning plans would be for move-out day. We talked about that and then I told him I'd had a crap day, and suddenly, he reached out and stroked my arm, saying, "Oh, I'm sorry." Then he asked me where I'd been during the day. I was like...HUH? He's never been touch-feely, let alone with the cool vibe of late, and certainly never asked me directly what I did during the day like that. THEN, he asked if I wanted a massage, boasting of his touch. All of this out of the clear blue. I spied a glass of wine on the ottoman, but that was nothing new. Anyhow, turning a massage down is not in my books, so he proceeded to do that, with me sitting in front of him on the armrest of the sofa. I truly did not read anything into it except an exquisitely sympathetic mood on his part, but when he was done, I said, "Aww, I hate that it's over!" and he said, "Well, maybe you want the full treatment."

When I asked hesitatingly what "the full treatment" was...he pushed me forcefully onto the sofa, and as I sank into it, in a daze, he came to 1 inch of my face, breathing steamily on me and asking me if I wanted to continue this. I was completely dumbfounded and petrified. Thoughts raced through my mind -- mostly, what the hell should I do with this, because I could tell he was serious.

All of my previous thoughts about him started flooding back, and frantically I wondered whether this was an insane thing to be even considering. I know he's a bit of a player, and I was under no delusion that this would amount to the most unfuzzy of NSA encounters, which would be a first (if I took it to the end of the line, since I've never had sex with someone unless I knew them well, and/or was in love/in a relationship with them, and most of all, had established trust and some vulnerability.) I knew we were going to be moving out, but had to live right next to eachother for a while yet, and how would that be? And mostly, I was afraid of being hurt, physically. I am EXTREMELY cautious and protective of my health, both because I'm in pain and need to be treated with some care, but also because I am fully educated on STD's and risks and so forth, and as I've stated on ENA a lot, I have to feel that the cost-benefit ratio of risk is worth it to me. Did this qualify? Would this be going with the flow like a normal person, and therefore be a breath of fresh air...or would I just hate myself for caving in to this folly, which might end up with some physical repercussions that I need like a hole in the head?

Well, he led me into my room and from there, what unfolded was pretty dramatic. In a way, I almost had to laugh at some of his Don Juanish moves, such as his shooshing me when I tried to broach concerns. He really wanted me to shut up, basically, and get to it. A combination of shock, being indescribably flattered, feeling emboldened and psyched about ending my 5-year abstinence streak, unbearably curious to see how this would turn out and what his body would feel like in my arms, overtook me. Long story short, I decided from the get-go (and told him) that I was not going to take this to the conclusion, because we had no protection. So the entire evening was spent with him lying on his back like the king and me giving him "the full treatment." I have to say, his reactions were so off-the-charts, I was over the moon, myself, with happiness. The entire time, he was uttering things that made me feel like the Queen of Badassness, lol.

When it was over, I tried to lie next to him and cuddle up a bit, and then -- he jolted up like he was stung by a bee, exclaimed, "Holy __, holy __, I have to get outta here!" and in some kind of frenzy just BOLTED on me, clothes in hand, out the door, bare-assed. Ran into his room, slammed the door, cut the lights instantly. Never in my whole life had that happened, and I felt like someone had just slapped me in the face. I knew it was not going to be lovey-dovey...but THIS?!

I spent the entire next day thinking I would have to avoid him at all costs, because that exit had just made me feel too rotten and discarded. I didn't know how I'd even be able to face him, with whatever was going on in his head. For some reason, I chalked it up to the realization of the age-gap. But two nights later, we found ourselves at home again in the evening, and he made a point of walking past my room and asking me how I was doing, being very friendly, and drawing me into conversation. One thing led to another, and once again, we were chatting in front of the tv and he was touching me flirtatiously. And then the commentary about the other night sneaked in. He told me that he was absolutely BLOWN away and I gathered that he rushed off like that simply because...the whole situation freaked him out (maybe in a good way) more than he had considered. I still don't know what was running through his mind, but the bottom line is that he propositioned me for a second round, adding, "Did you buy condoms so that I can pay you back?" I told him, uh no, because I thought that was a one-off. So we went into this unprepared. Again.

This time, though, he pressured me the entire time about wanting to have sex. I kept saying no, no can do, not without protection. At one point, things heated up to the point that he started to push himself on me and I had to say "no" way too many times -- and he seemed to not be listening, so I said very firmly, "NO MEANS NO." He backed off but seemed almost offended. He also seemed a bit offended/defensive that I was suggesting that I was afraid of STD's, saying if I am worried about that, why do I have my mouth on him?

Like the first time, he didn't lift a finger to touch my body, to kiss me anywhere, to caress me. And when I tried to kiss him, he'd just push my head down south again. He didn't at any point seem to want eye contact with me, or to even look at my body, but just lay there with his eyes half shut, in a beer-induced, apathetic stupor. A few times, I felt like my joints were killing me so badly and my muscles were fatiguing so badly, I asked him to shift, and it's as though I hadn't said anything. A few times during the session, I felt a bit sickened by all this, but I felt it would be too rude to just stop in the middle and I was not even sure, since I never have casual sex, if this was just par for the course or what. This time, I just wanted it to be over.

This time, I lay on his chest for a good long while afterwards. He didn't jump up, but lay motionless, eyes closed, with his arm over his face, covering his eyes. I tried to nuzzle him, to caress his hands and chest, and it was like lying on a warm...stone. I really don't think I would have attached unrealistic significance to cuddling; but I in fact was craving this feeling again, the feeling of embracing and being held/holding, and it was not happening, not a flicker. From some disembodied location, I looked down on this scene and thought, "ToV, you're such a fool. How did you even end up here?"

He finally roused, said, "This is where I run out like a little schoolgirl," and in some haze gathered his clothes, turned his back on me, and left, saying goodnight without looking back.

So here's the thing. That was 3 days ago. And since then, I went out and bought a box of condoms. Thinking, well, if I've gone this far, I want to fulfill the curiosity all the way. Do something new and different, be bold. But in these 72 hours, I've been going through a fair amount of torment about this. And the more I think about it, the more I wonder if I've lost my mind to consider anything other than stopping right here. For all his appeal, he didn't show me ANY, and I mean ANY scrap of affection. He didn't make me feel even remotely cared about. And maybe that's what hurts me the most. I never expected him to want this to become romantic. We are at completely different stages of life, in two completely different worlds. I'm clear about all that. But hadn't we become two people who had an iota of concern for one another? Hadn't we be buddies, even if on a superficial basis? Didn't he respect me for all the conversations we'd had? Suddenly, it felt evaporated -- the respect, the giving even the most basic of a damn about my welfare, my safety, my feelings, whether he was hurting me or making me uncomfortable or not.

I don't know if casual sex usually involves this level of callousness, but if so, wow, I was right all along.

And now, he has started to avoid me in earnest. I don't know if it's because I didn't have sex with him or what, or whether I'm a let-down (and why do I even care about that, now?), or something else, but we've now had a couple of occasions to pass by in the hall and he barely even acknowledges my presence. I'm still saying "hi" just to keep it from getting to strained and weird for the last days I'm here, but right now the tension is thick enough to cut through with a knife, and I seem to be pretty invisible.

AND HERE'S THE QUESTION (for the 2-3 of you who are still reading, LOL)

We are going to move out of here in about a week and probably never see eachother again. I'm not good at goodbyes anyway, and I'm not the sort of person who's good at wiping the slate clean without any feelings for a person once I have made some human bond (male OR female). I just don't feel people are discardable, so I'm a freak that way, I guess. But I don't know how to treat the end of this.

A HUGE part of me wants to tell him I like his idea of chipping in for the condoms, and hand him a handful from the box, saying I indeed bought these after our last encounter, just in case. But that I have some stuff to say. I'd say I've always considered him a gentleman, and as he's in the hospitality industry, believe he has pretty good standards of how to treat people. So that leaves me mystified as to why he was so callous and lacking behind closed doors. I'd tell him that I'm old enough to be done with reading between people's lines, and that I'm a blunt person; that I just wanted him to know that I expected better of him after the time we've spent commiserating about life here (including talks about how some people are devoid of a conscience! [he's religious]), and that what he did made me feel lousy. I'd be unemotional about it, just direct and informational. I'd tell him maybe he'll want to think about the fact that even in a no-future sexual arrangement, I'd have at least expected an aspect of caring and respect.

Or maybe I should just write it in a letter before I leave? I somehow also want to educate him on the dangers of unprotected sex (he was also begging for anal sex when I refused the other), because I believe he genuinely doesn't know the first thing about what HPV is (which I HAVE exposed myself to, possibly, with him), how it's transmitted, etc. And again -- the young invincibility factor. Both for his own good, and his future partners (I am still an educator at heart), as well as clarifying what he probably thinks was paranoia, I want to do this, but I'm not sure it's a wise idea, or if I'd be wasting my time (and losing even more ground) with this whole conclusive wrap-up.

I don't want to give him a big lecture, but I feel that I'm walking on eggshells and want to know I've not been scared to get some closure on this with him, if that's what will put me back in the driver's seat. Because what happened that last time is leaving me feeling like the one down here.

He's made it very clear in our conversations that he likes being a guy -- i.e., not having to verbalize things. And I just feel that I started this out in an adoring fashion, and want to end it on an empowered note. But I don't know what the best route to that is.

Should I try to approach him before our time is up, here? Make a deliberate effort, speak my mind whether it's awkward of not? Should I only do it if it seems organically right? Or plan to just avoid him and keep my mouth shut? Hand him a note at the end, on my way out? No note?

And even though I'm feeling pretty sure his vibe now means the brute end of any further propositions on his part....I'm not sure how I'd treat an invitation to one more interlude if that came up. Part of me is still (masochistically?) curious. The other part is wondering if I've so frightening regressed into not knowing how to identify someone who is a douchebag, I wouldn't know it if it slapped me in the face.

All I know is that for a few days, I had more energy and felt better with my body's dormant life force than I had in a while. It was like being struck by lightening, and strangely enough, I could tell from people's comments that I had a halo around me, lol. So all this intellectualizing doesn't square with how it's made me feel on other levels. And it was like pouring spring water into a desert-parched mouth. At least until the coach turned into a pumpkin and I was a badass no more.

The extent to which I felt physically shut down prior was the extent to which I felt revived; and the reason why I feel unfinished somehow, here, and why basic common sense doesn't seem to be computing. This is what makes my situation uncommon, I believe. Letting go of this is that much harder for some reason.

I wish I was like other women...just got some goodies with a hottie, YOU GO GIRL, just enjoy the perk of it and be on my way, with a skip in my step. What single, 40-something wouldn't enjoy an uncomplicated fling with the pool boy? It's almost out of cheesy porn, lol. But instead...there's me feeling like fine china, some hothouse flower, and him being this bull, and all the physical/mental backdrop that sets me up to feel less-than here, somehow. It's not for the typical reasons, but it's there, anyway. It's the feeling that I was...even though not deceived, maybe not even "used" (not anymore than anything else is used for its purpose)...a combo of ill-equipped for the total lack of concern shown + the inadequacy of feeling physically fragile. I don't feel normal, in NEON.

I don't know how much of this is my baggage, how much of this is him being a stellar jerk, or how much of this just is me being unfamiliar with this territory (which I never want to find myself in again, no matter how liberating it looks at the outset.)

It's truly amazing how fast "whoo, I feel incredible" can turn into "FML."

I just want to leave this chapter of my life with minimal regrets, feeling I didn't leave anything incomplete -- mentally, emotionally, verbally, physically, sexually. I WANT TO END THIS RIGHT, and with my dignity, not begging, but not pretending, either.

I just wanted to start off by saying... you write so well! You are very eloquent about your feelings and the whole situation... and you are very in touch with both your emotions and who you are.

This guy? Yeah... he is the "player" type. I've known many guys like him. For what it's worth, I think he genuinely did care about you as a person, connected with you and had concern for your well being... until, that is, you had sexual relations with him. Then he shut it off.

I'm sure he knows he is attractive. And like a predator, he either guessed correctly that you had attraction from him or saw it in your eyes. So - he decided to try his luck (and it always starts with the massage. lol!) When you gave into him, you ceased being a real person in his eyes - you became something else. Meat. (I'm sorry if that hurts - but I'd rather tell it like it is). Of course that's not normal... to disconnect and suddenly see you as an object... in fact, it's pretty disturbing and hurtful, isn't it? But it's how he emotionally disconnects. If he's attractive and has a lot of lovers, I'm sure a lot of women fall for him after having sexual relations with him. This is his (callous) way of being clear about how things are. And really - as callous as he's been - he's a little bit right. If he had been more loving, if you really, really think about it, your crush may have grown a little bit stronger. I mean... just having his scent around made it a bit stronger, right? (lol! I laugh because I see myself in this as well...). In a way, he's doing you a favor because you are seeing things very clearly right now.

I don't think you should sleep with him. I think you already got what you needed to from this situation. You felt invigorated. You re-found your desire - and with it - a realization that you want more of a relationship than a sexual release. Now... use those learnings and this experience to find that thing you REALLY want - which is someone who is also emotionally available. Sex with him will only deepen the hurt and disconnect that you feel now. Stop now, take the positive and run with it...

I don't think you should confront him or hand him a note. I think, especially if you are one in a string of women, it won't be something new that he's been told. He knows what he's doing and he doesn't feel bad about it. He'll only see your note or anything you say as "a woman scorned". From his disconnected stance, he'll just see it as you having feelings for him and that he doesn't really want a relationship right now anyways. I don't think he'll learn. He'll learn only when HE is rejected by someone he's really, really into. Down the road, that might give him pause... with someone else. Only when he is burned will he stop and take pause.

I think you should leave with your head held high. Don't confront and don't take it further. No letters, no condoms. Just give him a hug on the last day and wish him well. Take from it what YOU need to take from it - be happy for the lesson (that you want a relationship! yay!) - and your moment with your hunka-hunka guy. See how hot you are, you cougar, you? (lol! Again... I see myself in this situation).

Go - be free - and on to bigger and better things. Life is good! A new start and new outlook on things... what else do you want? I'd say you've done pretty good.

wow.

First off, are you a writer? If not you should consider it as a career ! Your post is so eloquent, absorbing and funny too !

Regarding your situation I think you just got carried away with your attraction to this guy. Probably because it is something so different for you. You describe him as the guy you are not usually drawn to so I wonder..is there a part of you that feels that his body and physique was out of your league? as in 'Guys like him enjoy traditionally hot/simple girls, I'm lucky he's looked at me'

I can only go from what you're writing but he doesn't sound like a gentleman. He was selfish in bed, why didn't he try to please you? And then you went into overload mode pleasing him because you assumed that role/responsibility since he wasn't. Also perhaps on a subconscious level you pleased him so that he likes you and appreciates your talent and then hopefully reciprocates (which never works). Plus if he wanted the sex HE should have gone and get the condoms.

ONS don't work for most women, even if it's someone we find hot and that's it. I tried a similar thing with a 26 year old who was sex on legs. But like your situation he wasn't caring enough and I just couldn't proceed. I felt silly at first but now I think it's best he wasn't very caring because I would have got attached.

People mutually offer pleasure even if it's an ONS. Not all people but it's down to the individual rather than the circumstance.

The fact that you felt attraction towards him and your body is reawakened is a great thing. It might spur you off to be more open to it from now on. Regarding him I wouldn't do anything though. Do not worry IN THE SLIGHTEST about educating him, it's not your role. If you want to say something by all means do, but I would just ignore him at this point. You are way too good for this. You are exceptional and special and it shines though your posts here. This guy doesn't have the capacity to fully be at the same level as you. Perhaps this is what drew him to you, how different you are from the other chicks he's f***ing. But he hasn't got the depth to go where you can go even physically.

Hi ToV, First of all, stop being so modest. What you wrote was well-written and totally engrossing! And I had to stop myself from getting on a plane, finding this guy, and giving him a good, swift kick to his rear end!

Anyway, I'll now try and be a bit more objective. From what you've written, this guy doesn't like dealing with awkward situations. He avoided you early on when he was initially attracted to you. Then the sex happened, and unfortunately it was very one-sided; all give on your side, all take on his. Once the dynamics of this was established it became very hard to get back to the easy friendship that you had originally shared. The result is an awkward situation and this guy is avoiding you like crazy!

I know you probably want to fix this situation and get some sort of resolution but if you think of some of the things he did, maybe you won't have to.

At the merest whiff of an intimate moment he literally bolted out of the room, not just once but twice. His professed religious beliefs combined with his behavior makes me think that he is one seriously conflicted person.

In other words, keep your head held high, remain courteous yet aloof until the time comes for you to leave. You don't have to do anything because you have done nothing wrong.

TOV

your writing is superb ...I want to read your first published book !!

the other two have said I want to say so no need for me to harp on.

he was in it for the cum

no need to try and enlighten him about std's or anthing else ..a letter wont be welcomed .

if you can handle a shag to scratch your own itch then why not ...but dont let it affect you .

its great ...it was like watching a movie reading that ..and if you can think ..ahh what the hell ..

you know fine well you can either make this a problem or you can just say hey ..that was fun

Typically I find it hard to read posts of that length but anything written by the great and lovely ToV is worth the read.

I agree with the others, he sounds like a typical young man that doesn't have issues with one night stands or just plain ol' casual sex. I'm kinda thinking that he liked you probably more than he anticipated therefore creating the panic feeling he had when he bolted out the door. Perhaps it was too much for him to deal with, knowing that a move was going to change everything.

People have this general notion about men, that they are just sexual creatures capable of breaking a girls heart with just a night of sex and can move on like nothing ever happened, but there are also men out there that genuinely get caught up in the emotional aspect of casual sex as well.

I don't think letters or talking to him will suddenly make him see the light. Honestly, although you were a willing participant, he did indeed take advantage of your vulnerability. You came in upset and he propositioned you when he knew you had a very bad day. He knew you were lonely and miserable and he took advantage of that vulnerability. You were craving affection and still are..and are grasping at straws with this guy. He is a stone..not only that, but he is the epitome of the walking cliche of the buff body builder/personal trainer who gives more than just exercise tips to his middle-aged clients. If you want to end empowered, then just walk away from this without talking to him about it or giving him any kind of lessons. If you broach the subject you will show your pain and guys like that don't care and don't want to know. What you need to do is accept that you were a willing participant, you could have stopped this at any time and you chose not to...deep down you knew what this guy was after, you knew what he was about, you knew how it would end up..but you continued on hoping that the pain you felt when he ran out on you would be rectified the second time around. After the first time you should have walked away for good, not go back for more. Now you basically still want to go back for more hoping to make him see the light. It won't work. You need to let it go and not keep going back for more disrespect from this guy.

No, you are better off just ignoring him unless it makes you feel better to have a one off. He's a jerk. Don't give him more credit than what his actions gave him away as - a selfish jerk.

I have to say, I loved reading your story ToV. Your are a superb writer!!!

But about the note situation, I think it would be a bad idea, because if you write a note it will most likely be thrown away (definitely if he reads a part that he doesn't like he might just stop reading then and get rid of it). Also giving him a note seems so low, I mean if you really want to get this threw to him a note would not suffice (I don't know how to really project what I'm saying from this statement but its more like you would get more satisfaction from confronting him, feeling more empowered, if that is your wish).

Oh, and for those of you who say you should just ignore him, I kind of agree with you. You shouldn't really bother with this guy, don't make him any part of your regrets or anything just something in the past that's meaningless now. On the other hand if you let this slide, its like telling him its ok to treat women this way, just get what you want without any worries about what happens to them. I mean yeah its not your duty to talk to him or w/e but I mean, just being the better person and to save other future 'victims' I guess maybe talking to him would not be that bad.

I agree that you are better off just ignoring it and letting him go-- no letter, no conversation, nothing but a polite "good-bye." He is a jerk who is good at acting like a gentleman. Who he was behind closed doors is who this guy actually is-- a scum-bag who is selfish in bed and who is looking for an opportunity to take advantage of women. The length at which he pressured you to have penetrative sex without protection really reveals the type of person he is. You said "no," he kept pushing for it. He was clearly trying to coerce you into a sexual act that you were very clearly (from the get-go, even pre-bedroom) uncomfortable with.

This quote struck me. You talk about wanting to be like other women, and I understand the sentiment. However, I don't think that many other women (especially those confident women who value themselves) would have been okay with a casual sex situation like this one. Casual sex can be engaged in with a level of equality. Both parties can look for and have a good time with no strings attached. However, the relationship still has to be equal, and this one was not. First, I think he was leveraging a perceived power imbalance from the beginning, that you even allude to-- the 40-something having a torrid affair with the pool boy. He seems to think that you would be jumping at the chance to have sex because he is young and hot and sexy and you must be desperate. Now, that's not entirely true in your case. I've seen enough of your posts to know you are not typical a desperate middle-aged woman... far from it, actually. But that's what he was going in with. And then the sexual encounters you did have were all one-sided. And he was okay with that. When you tried to get something out of it for you (kissing, etc.) you were rejected, and he never made any advances to pleasure you... so there's that. And then... the pressuring for sex. That was just the epitome of trashy. You very clearly did NOT want to engage in sexual intercourse, and he kept trying to manipulate you into it, using what HE thought was his superior position in the relationship. Any self-assured human being would feel somewhat used and deceived after this. It wasn't just two people coming together for a good time. It was two people coming together with the intention of a good time, but with one person really only caring about their own good time, and willing to sacrifice the comfort and even safety of another to have it. You are not abnormal for not coming away viewing this as a positive experience. He is indeed a stellar jerk, and other more choice words that would get me an infraction.

Keep away from him for your own good and don't bother to try to 'educate him'.

As a result of not having had physical contact for such a long time combined with a very strong chemical reaction to this guy, you got swepped away in your own fantasy. Based on your threads, I think it's safe to say that you are a person with a rich imagination and who likes to emerge herself in the narrative/epic twist of events (just look at your OP, it reads like the beginning of a novel).

Books, such as 50 shades of gray, currently have engulfed many people in the fantasy of being sexually awakened by the bad boy who you usually would never go for, but whose allure is so strong that it suppresses your natural instincts beyond recognition. While in novels the daring heroine gets rewarded not only with a sexual nirwana, but also manages to awaken true feelings and love real life is truly not a fairy tale.

I have morally and culturally no objections against ONS (as long as you are both consenting and safe) or casual sexual affairs as such. But there are certain things you need to be aware of and take into consideration before engaging in those activities: mutually respective being the most dominant words coming to mind. Casual encounters, more so then romantic interactions, are about instant gratification, about the purely physical pleasures, i.e. in some ways much more 'selfish'. Since you usually don't have an established long term knowledge of each other, it is also required that both individuals are much more direct with expressing their wants and dislikes. Many people find this liberating in some sense, because they are not worried about 'what will he/she think of me if I say I like xyz', thus why in some instances this kind of sexual encounter can physically be more alluring to some.

By you essentially completely and utterly restricting yourself in pleasing him and not being demanding/insisting that you have equal pleasure (he could have done many things to satisfy you even without penetration), you made it absolutely clear that this was not 'a casual thing for you', even if you didn't think about a potential relationship down the line.

(Forgive me if you don't agree with this) Many women who are strong believers that sex should be confined to romantic established relationships often feel they have to 'earn the love/affection/attention' of their partner and many times choose to do so by being relatively subservient in the bedroom by putting his needs first. They lack the confidence to be truly selfish lovers in some ways and that their physical needs are as equally important as their male counterparts.

Thus while you may have fantasized about the opportunity to experience casual sex, you were not able to adjust your behavior accordingly to that scenario, thus you got taken advantage of.

This guy was truly and utterly selfish. Any guy who accepts being pleasured without returning anything is not worth any kind of consideration.

This may be slightly off topic: giving oral to a guy, IMHO, easily puts a woman into a subservient and potentially degrading role/position and thus seems to me an act that puts me into a much more vulnerable position thus it is something that I only share with someone with whom I have established mutual respect and a relationship of some kind.

In conclusion, I don't think you should even consider continuing your interaction with him. You put yourself into a very vulnerable situation with him and he has proven that he is not interested in making sure that your needs are met equally. There is no 'unfinished business'. I can understand that physically it must be extremely frustrating, but he is not the one to relieve you of this.

I also just wanted to add that ONS or FWB sort of situation are supposed to be mutually beneficial. But it is obvious he isn't interested in pleasing you, which means it isn't mutually beneficial. He may or may not cum very quickly and then leave you - once again - unsatisfied.

I really don't think this was about him not wanting to pleasure her. It seems like he wanted to give her sexual pleasure too...but only sexual pleasure, not emotional pleasure that goes with kissing, cuddling, and time spent together after the sexual gratification is complete. She didn't want to have intercourse which would have given her pleasure. In the end, she was trying to push the emotional pleasure part so that it will give the appearance of "making love" rather than just "having sex". This is actually a mistake a lot of women make..so if a guy does indeed do the cuddles and kisses in a casual sex setup, the woman tends to start wondering if the guy has deeper feelings..yet the guy was simply performing his "duty" in order to keep the sex setup from falling apart. In ToVs case the guy couldn't care less about doing his "duty" of pretending to be emotionally close after the sex because this was not going to be a long-standing Fbuddy for him.

Casual sex rarely comes with respect...it typically means more to one person than the other (more often it means more to the woman than the man) and that is when it can create more angst than simply accepting that a sex life is on hold. For women, often casual sex is less about sexual gratification and more about trying to have the illusion of a connection with a man in order to overcome the feeling of loneliness.

I really don't think this was about him not wanting to pleasure her. It seems like he wanted to give her sexual pleasure too...but only sexual pleasure, not emotional pleasure that goes with kissing, cuddling, and time spent together after the sexual gratification is complete.

I totally totally agree with this crazy ( and by the way , your age has changed so best wishes x) ..he would have happily

given her pleasure ...sexual pleasure ..the end .

Well, he left after he came. I know it wasn't about that, but I just wanted to point it out. I also disagree, because usually if someone goes down on you, you usually return the favour afterwards. Otherwise, it's rude as hell.

[quote=Crazyaboutdogs;5491931

Casual sex rarely comes with respect...it typically means more to one person than the other .

i agree 100%

Well, he left after he came. I know it wasn't about that, but I just wanted to point it out. I also disagree, because usually if someone goes down on you, you usually return the favour afterwards. Otherwise, it's rude as hell.

that is the 11th commandment

First of all, I love puns!

TOV, you are such an intelligent woman and one my favorite people on this forum, honestly. But I really think in this case you are intellectualizing yourself into misery!

You were horny. He was horny. Yes, he is a douchebag. A giant douchebag with a neon sign over his head. That doesn't mean he doesn't have his own appeal.

No, not all ONS or casual encounters are like this. This is pretty much...worst case scenario!

And you are normal. Normal and beautiful with your own set of unique circumstances - like all the rest of us, though certainly not trying to minimize what you go through at all.

I think you should take what you can from this for you personally and scratch it up to "i am human". People make mis-takes, whatever, it is okay, and it doesn't matter the age of the person either. Allow yourself that. And let it go.

I'd take this as your wake up call. Up until this point, it sounds like you have always tried to do what is right. You've always tried to take the high road. That's a wonderful trait. I do think though that sometimes what we think is "right" is what is really going on with us isn't perfectly in line - it sounds honestly like in order to do "right" by your own set of standards and conduct up til now, you have pushed down a lot of your really human normal needs. Basically avoiding getting involved with a man because you knew it would be tricky and you have so much to deal with already.

But this just screams to me that you are past your limit of being able to "suck it up" and bear it.

It's time to get out there again, TOV. This douche didn't deserve you, doesn't. Well that's what I think!

New place coming up, new surroundings, new chances lady!

Well, he left after he came. I know it wasn't about that, but I just wanted to point it out. I also disagree, because usually if someone goes down on you, you usually return the favour afterwards. Otherwise, it's rude as hell.

Not all men are comfortable doing oral sex on a woman. It is not mandatory to give oral just because you received it. He was ready and willing to have intercourse with her to give her pleasure. You do what is in your comfort level and nobody should be accused of being rude if they are not comfortable giving oral sex just because they received it. This is where discussing things should happen between two people..but casual sex is not about discussion and deciding people's comfort level. It really is about the "wham bam thank you ma'am".

Well, thank you endlessly, everyone, for the superb input and insights so far -- as well as taking the time to read through all of that! (and the very kind comments about my writing) (heh, Mama Metro, thank you for making an exception for meeeee!). All of you. I've defo got ENA's finest on this thread so far, so I'm glad I bit the bullet and posted, even though I felt kind of dreadful doing so!

This is really helping me sort through this "how on earth should I comport myself, and walk away from this, without compounding any damage here?"

It kind of feels like I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't, with calling him out on any of this -- because if I don't, I look complicit and passive. If I do, as many of you said, I look plagued with hurt. I wonder if it's HOW I'd present it? (i.e., not making it into a big production, but saying at some point, "hey, just so you know...I somehow expected you to be more of a gentleman than you were, even if this was no-strings. I took you for higher character. Shame."

Your collective responses are confirming my thoughts about his behavior, even though it's making me kind of nauseous. I think this is going to be a terminal weak spot for me, that I give people the benefit of the doubt, when in doubt (especially when they have proven to be more than just a cookie-cutter personality, with many aspects); to the point that I don't step back until it's been proven "beyond a reasonable doubt" that I'm in over my head. I hate that this quality is one I wouldn't want to change, but not changing it feels either stubborn or naive, and I hardly feel naive about the world.

Having said that, there are a few points I feel I have to clarify about my motives and orientation to all this. And what happened.

About him not pleasuring me: one thing I omitted from my OP, which maybe I should have put in (but it seemed like a detail), is that on the first occasion/encounter, he did start rubbing me down yonder, through my underwear. This was pretty uncomfortable to me, but being fingered is something that often irritates me if not done with the most sensitive of partners, who take a bit of hand guidance from me. I don't know if his technique was just poor all around and it would have sucked for any woman, but it seemed like the kind of touch that was sort of autopilot stuff. And during the second occasion, where he was more insistent on having penetrative sex, he asked more than once if he could use his fingers, so maybe that's something I should state in his defense. But I didn't want a repeat of what he did the first time, so I said, "can you be really gentle? I like it gentle," and I got no response from that. He just gave me a blank, empty look and since that didn't feel good to me, I just let the whole thing go. I thought jeez, well, if you don't want to try to please me in a way that would be pleasing, why even bother. And that was the sum total of his hands or mouth anywhere on my body.

The thing is, because I have some atypical limitations with my body, pain, etc., my sex life has involved finding other ways to please my partner, and so this came just very naturally to me. I don't try to orchestrate these things, I just do what I'm driven to, as a lover. AND I CAN SAY THIS WITH NO QUALIFICATIONS, BUT GIVING TO ME IS INTENSELY PLEASURABLE -- the creativity I can use, the feeling of being able to finesse things (intercourse for me really does not involve art as much). This doesn't mean I am willing to keep giving and giving with no reciprocation, but on a first encounter, I wasn't convinced that would be the dominant theme. I had my hunches (I was not in denial that he was pulling some transparently player moves), but it wasn't until the second round that it became crystal clear, and all the "good" that came out of the initial "rush" turned sour for me, with the way I felt mistreated, pressured, and ignored.

The bottom line is, I really gave him too much credit, based on what little I gather about his basic character, which, while not lilly white, seemed fundamentally in line with respect, if respect is shown to him (and yes, the worldly discussions about integrity, internal compass, and his religiosity did positively affect the way I saw him.)

My take is that he felt I was too much work, required too much or something. I don't know. The whole thing reeked of "this is a purely genital interaction" and for me, that's not how I warm up, what turns me on, etc. But I guess having so little of these experiences to go on, I wasn't sure if that was just part of my accepting the nature of this type of scenario.

I guess I hear so much about women being good with that, that I keep wondering what I'm missing in the picture. I've always believed that this TYPE of casual sex is only for people who can handle feeling like crap, but I've heard too many women (picture, living, real women like Samantha on Sex and the City, lol) say they derive pleasure from this and it doesn't appear they feel compromised, so that boggles my mind.

And I don't know what's really true and what's a bill of goods about it all.

(As usual, I have more individual responses, but I don't want to overload at once, or impede the flow of responses.)

I'm sure he knows he is attractive. And like a predator, he either guessed correctly that you had attraction from him or saw it in your eyes. So - he decided to try his luck (and it always starts with the massage. lol!) When you gave into him, you ceased being a real person in his eyes - you became something else. Meat. (I'm sorry if that hurts - but I'd rather tell it like it is). Of course that's not normal... to disconnect and suddenly see you as an object... in fact, it's pretty disturbing and hurtful, isn't it? But it's how he emotionally disconnects. If he's attractive and has a lot of lovers, I'm sure a lot of women fall for him after having sexual relations with him.

I think you've got this guy nailed to a T, Red. Loved your post, even though it was like swallowing cold, lumpy oatmeal (though thank you for your inspiring and extremely encouraging comments at the end...ahaha, I'm glad you know this deal a bit yourself. Cougar, yeah, ha. I guess so. Thanks for the awesome support).

"Meat". Yeah. Blow-up doll came to mind for me. I certainly felt like there was a transformation that happened to him after we started removing clothes.

RED: are you saying that you think by being sexual with him, he lost respect for me that would have been intact had I refused or it didn't even happen? Do you see any way of rectifying this, or is this a bullet that can't be recalled? (not that in the final scheme of things HIS respect will amount to much, but this feeling is pretty bad, anyway.)

****

It just bothers me that I was so hell-bent on not being one of those 20-somethings at the bar where he works where all he has to do is look their way, and they fall all over him. I don't feel that out of control, and short-sighted. But I guess the final impressions may be conveying something else.

There are some things I just wish I could go back and redo. Mostly, things I said that I think fueled his already pretty bloated ego. It was like I was thinking aloud, and then as soon as something came out of my mouth, it horrified me. Like when I was first on the couch when he was coming on to me, and close to my face, I said, "Uhhm....wow. Okay...wow. Am I dreaming this?" It was something totally reflective of how surreal and shocked I was, but clearly, that came out in a way that would only put him on a pedestal. I was just not censoring thoughts I was having. Then I said something about his body that was very flattering, even though clearly I was tentative about this, giving off the further evidence that I was going against some greater sense of judgment, but was unable to stop myself. UKGHHHHHHHHHH!! BLeah, ehehBLEAH!!

The second night, when he asked about the condoms, and told me he'd pay me back, I said, "I didn't get them but if I did, I'd pay for them." I was thinking along the lines of being independent. I said something about it being my decision, too, and then he said, "So, you're the 'giver' type..." with a bit of a smirk, and that was my opening to say, "Yes, I'm a giver. But I prefer to give to receivers, not takers. So yes, I am, but it's a balance that's gonna need to happen."

Damn hindsight. And missed openings.

The second night, he took his beer into the bedroom and while I was removing his shirt, he just kept sipping it and said, "Mmm, that's good" and I had a sudden visual of a guy sitting in front of the tv watching football (which he does a lot of), with a plate of rare steak in one hand, and a beer in the other, and a woman (me) kneeling in front of him while he burps away.

I actually almost laughed out loud it was so blatant and I had to literally pinch my lips so I wouldn't say, "Wow, are you TRYING to be an A-hole?"

I wonder why I didn't say that. Maybe because I thought that as long as I was aware of it, it couldn't hurt me. I was fireproofed with awareness.

Think again.

There's so much to respond to here, so this is in no particular order:

This is where discussing things should happen between two people..but casual sex is not about discussion and deciding people's comfort level. It really is about the "wham bam thank you ma'am".

I agree with this, and certainly, he made it eminently clear that utterances on my part were cramping his style.

Then again, as some people have pointed out, there must be some middle ground between distilling a casual encounter to "wham bam" where no one communicates anything, and a relationship that includes everything. I can imagine someone being a little more considerate and attentive than this. Conceivably. And I took him for possibly being that type.

However, about the oral sex reciprocity issue: while it's true that intercourse is geared to please both parties (and therefore, me), I can't call that an offer geared towards pleasing me. Especially with no warm-up. Because as a guy, he's going to gain so much out of that, himself (especially if he's a meat-and-potatoes lover, at least with flings), my pleasure could really just be an added bonus, or incidental. I don't categorize wanting to have intercourse as an act of selfless sexual servicing on a guy's part.

Oral sex really is truly all about making the other person enjoy something without it being about your direct stimulation/gratification.

So I agree with pinkelephant on that.

there must be some middle ground between distilling a casual encounter to "wham bam" where no one communicates anything, and a relationship that includes everything. I can imagine someone being a little more considerate and attentive than this. Conceivably. And I took him for possibly being that type.

There are all kinds of people out there with different values and expectations. Look at the various types of marriages out there...love matches, marriage for money or social status or procreation, marriage between two people who really respect each other, marriage between an abuser and a co-dependent etc. So if there are different personality types and modus operandi in marriages, the same would hold true for casual sex. Even in friendships there are differences in how people are considerate and attentive. I know people who just want to talk about themselves and don't care about what others have to say. What's that expression "you get what you pay for"...when it comes to casual sex there is no investment of time and feelings..it really is just a cheap thrill. From what I have seen on this forum, women who can handle casual sex are those women, who like many men in these setups, disconnect..they simply view the other person as body parts rather than as a human with emotions, feelings and expectations.

Not all men are comfortable doing oral sex on a woman. It is not mandatory to give oral just because you received it. He was ready and willing to have intercourse with her to give her pleasure. You do what is in your comfort level and nobody should be accused of being rude if they are not comfortable giving oral sex just because they received it. This is where discussing things should happen between two people..but casual sex is not about discussion and deciding people's comfort level. It really is about the "wham bam thank you ma'am".

It's not about oral. It is about reciprocating ANYTHING. He just lay there, got a bj then left. The OP got *NOTHING* out of the encounter. Like I said, it should be mutually beneficial and he was not interested in returning the favour. You don't have to have a discussion to see he's not interested in her pleasure.

And the reason why I felt it was relevant is because I also think that his behaviour will be the same when / if they have sex. He will do whatever to get off, whether it feels good for the OP or not. He will probably cum quickly too and that will be disappointing as hell. Again.

TOV, you are by far my favorite poster on here so it pains me to see that you are in such a situation that said this guy isn't worth your time and I suggest moving on without contacting him again.