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She's changing her life for me, but I still can't get over her past


1451

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She's my first, but I'm her fifth or sixth. Some of her past partners were hookups, some were boyfriends. She said I'm her first love though.

 

She used to talk about her past all the time when we started dating. Sometimes when we were being intimate, sexually or otherwise, she would stop and say something like "Wow you do this differently, I remember when __ did __ with me" or "No I don't want to try that position/do that thing, I remember when I did it with __, I didn't like it." She actually told me in the beginning "I don't know if I'll ever do __ or __ with you" even though she went farther with her exes. I told her how that made me feel, that she shared physical and sexual experiences with others that she didn't want with me, and that made her see how I felt, and later she realized that she did want to have more physical experiences with me.

 

She'd tell me graphic sexual stories all the time, and I'd always try to change the subject and show her I wasn't comfortable with it. Anyway, once I told her how bad I felt when she told me those things she stopped, although in the months following every now and then she'd compare me to her exes. Once she made a list ranking how "good" we were, and recently she made one comparing "sizes". At that second list, I almost dumped her, and she said she was really sorry. Now she says she never compares me, although she obviously used to, and I wonder if it's still in her mind, subconsciously or not.

 

We started dating in summer and went to different colleges, doing long distance. Now she wants to transfer for me, but I can't get over her past. I went to see a psychiatrist because of it, because I developed insomnia - I would obsess about this so much, I'd go to bed with my heart beating because I knew the thoughts and images of her with others wouldn't stop.

 

Now (as in tomorrow) she wants me to go hookup with other girls so I can see how "empty and emotionless" a hookup feels like, and if I hookup with someone now, and then go be with her, "I'll realize that I don't even think about what happened in the past, and I'm going to have nothing on my mind except her when I'm with her." Also, she said she felt absolutely no physical pleasure (like none whatsoever) with all her exes, that I'm the first person that can please her. And, she said she even with her boyfriends, she realized she didn't really like them, she only "wanted to like them".

 

I know it's in the past, I know what she did before doesn't even matter now, I know it's not logical or rational but I can't get the images out of my head, and they make me feel sick. I know I'm so lucky to have someone who I feel cares about me that much, but I feel like she's made a lot of mistakes, whereas I might have done nothing at all to hurt her, except obsess about her past which makes her feel bad.

 

I've never used an online forum for something like this before (but then again, I've never gone to a psychiatrist either).

 

Please help guys, what do you think?

 

TL;DR: Can't get over girlfriend's promiscuous past. She's my first girlfriend and first love, but she's had many before me but I'm her first love. She wants me to hook up with other girls, and then go back to being with her, so I can see 1) how meaningless physical experiences are if you don't love the person, and 2) that when I'm with her, I don't compare her to others I've been with. She wants to transfer for me. I've already seen a psychiatrist, gotten various advice from friends, but I still can't get the images out of my head.

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woah. she totally and unnecessarily OVER SHARED.

 

kinda sounds like she has a screw loose? why would she want you to hook up with other girls?

 

She believes that if I do, I'll see that what she did in the past was meaningless, because she didn't love anyone when she became physical with them.

She says she knows I love only her, so if me hooking up with other girls will save the relationship, she is ok with it.

I don't know if it will work. I can see how it might, if after I do it, and I'm with her, I'll have a past as well, and I'll be able to understand how nothing before us matters. I don't know why I can't see that now, but I don't want to end it with someone because I can't get over who they used to be.

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I agree with greywolf. It's enough imagining her sexual partners from the past, but that she kept openly making comparisons like how she did was totally F'd up. It's like she was trying to make you jealous to feed her ego. In any case, if she ever does that again break up with her. You've given a very fair number of warnings and she knows exactly how she's making you feel.

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I wouldn't really call her promiscuous. Depending on her age, 6 guys isn't a lot. She does need to learn how to keep her mouth shut though.

 

Yeah I thought about this. She's 18, and I know 6 isn't a lot for more westernized areas, but we are both from an extremely conservative country, where ANY dating is surprising, to say the least. Where I was brought up, pretty much every single person waits until marriage - both guys and girls - and it is an arranged marriage. So 6 may not seem like a lot for USA (and I'm not passing judgement, it is just a different lifestyle) but 6 is a huge number from where we are from. Now I go to university in America though, so I do want to get over these feelings.

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I agree with greywolf. It's enough imagining her sexual partners from the past, but that she kept openly making comparisons like how she did was totally F'd up. It's like she was trying to make you jealous to feed her ego. In any case, if she ever does that again break up with her. You've given a very fair number of warnings and she knows exactly how she's making you feel.

 

I understand this - I wouldn't be up for any more comparisons like that any more either, but whether I should hook up with girls to get over this issue is what im confused about.

 

Sometimes I feel like a douchebag for even thinking about this, because I know I'm not the kind of guy to ever mistreat a girl, but I worry that if I don't do this I won't get over these thoughts, and I'll lose someone who's willing to change their college and state for me.

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wait? so you're both moving?

 

We both moved to USA for college. She is leaving her college in another state to come to mine (about halfway accross the US), so she can be with me. She says she is really unhappy at her college, and misses me too much. She says she'll transfer even if I have doubts, because she doesn't want to spend her life wondering that if she transferred she would have been with her first love forever.

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She is only 18 and has had 6 sex partners already! Yep, she is promiscuous..and she is clearly the one with sex hangups if she feels the need to have to brag about all her conquests. Yes, that is indeed what she was trying to do....brag..and make you feel insecure so that she feels better about herself. It is not so much the number of partners she has had that is troubling...it is her overall attitude toward sex..the need to brag about it, the need to use it as a weapon against you (I did such and such a sex act with others but I won't do it with you). This woman knows nothing about love and respect....the only thing she knows is sex. I have to wonder if she was sexually abused as a child. At any rate, her behaviour is just not normal and I don't think you need to continue this relationship simply because she wants to move. Sometimes it is too late to make amends because the damage done can't be fixed.

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I should have been more clear, my mistake - I am the 6th guy, and of the 5 before me, she was sexually intimate with 3, but did not progress past kissing/making out with the other 2, one of which was a hookup (but this was questionable, which is why I said five or six, because she pulled away during the hookup. At one point she said it was a hookup, but now she said it wasn't). In addition, 2 of her sexually intimate encounters were hookups, and the other one was a 6 month long relationship which was entirely physical (very little "couple" stuff like going on dates, in a sense almost hookup buddies). It doesn't help that she did not go far with one ex-boyfriend, though, because he emotionally abused her, and was someone who I personally hated because he screwed me over several times. And, she has not had vaginal sex yet, but everything but, oral/anal/etc.

 

I want to thank everyone on this forum for offering advice, but a lot of the love and respect she does show is hard to put into words. I do like to think that I am not a fool if she wasn't worth it, I wouldn't go through all this. Things like soft kisses to wake me up in the morning, or sending me cupcakes as a surprise when I'm in college, or falling asleep on my chest, are the things that tell me she is loving and caring, and obviously these are just a few. Here is the thing, now she does not mention her exes or anything before me at all anymore. She doesn't make those same mistakes anymore. Whenever I feel down because I'm thinking about this she tries everything she can to cheer me up, and often she can.

 

However, because of the past frequency and graphic detail of her descriptions, combined with my complete lack of any experience with anyone else, I am sure that this has become an obsession that I can't get out of my head. Her idea now is "if I have a past of my own" I can look past her past.

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I dont personally think she is promiscuous , sorry ...was ...but in all honesty I have learnt on here that there are sooooo many opinions about sexual activity , what is what isnt ..that best just to have your own thoughts on it and just respect we are all different.

 

I am guessing she wants to balance the scales here ..you sleep with others it tips them nearer to the middle ..then you have no cause for complaint because she GAVE her permission ...its wrong in my mind and I dont know how she can actually encourage someone she loves to do this .

 

her past shouldnt be a problem ..her sexual experience ..she is 18 ..its no big shakes (remember this is just my opinion)

but what is a problem to me is her telling you .....

 

that is the deal breaker for me ...I have said it a million times on here and this is just proof of why ..why we should keep our pasts where they belong .....in the past .

 

she has infact blotted her own copy book by feeling the need to tell you this stuff and actually tell you while your both

getting it on together ...I would have gone mad .

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No, there is no "balancing" it out. Intentionally creating a sexual history for yourself won't make you feel any better about hers. That's on you, you have to be the one that accepts it and move past it.

 

It might not make me feel better, but there is a chance that being with her later on after a sexual history will make me realize how meaningless my past was, and thus her past was just as meaningless - right?

 

Thanks again for the help everyone, the way I see it now is: I know I can't get over her past, not now after every graphic detail she's told me - about what her exes were like...what they looked like..felt like..even tasted like. I've tried everything to get over her past, and I know there's nothing left - I'm going to break up with her. So if there's even a faint possibility that hooking up with other girls can actually make me get over her past and save the relationship, is there some worse side effect that I'm missing? If it causes more problems, we can just part ways then, instead of now.

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  • 4 weeks later...

it's not going to work. if you don't think what she's doing to redeem herself is good enough, i say just nip it in the bud before it gets worse. clearly she's learned from her mistakes if she has stopped, she wants to make this work. heck she's even transferring for you. and if you're going to let something like this take over the relationship then the fault is no longer hers.

you guys are just two different people, and both of you aren't ready for this relationship. if it was meant to be, it will happen, maybe now is not the right time.

 

what happened in the past happened. there's nothing you can do to change it. but the actions taken afterward are the ones that count.

 

"If you think it's necessary to judge me by my past, don't get mad when I put you there" - Wiz Khalifa

 

if that wasn't enough of a hint, here it is:

 

i am beyond tired at this point, i'm tired of you constantly drowning me in my own guilt. i already feel beyond terrible about what i did, but my actions and words don't seem to reach to you. it's like i've broken the rules at school and gotten a detention for it. but idk later that week "oh! i remember when you broke that same rule, even though i've already punished you for it, here's ANOTHER detention slip, just cause". and the cycle of the detention slips keep piling up, and each of them are for the same rule i broke. i can no longer take these detention slips for the same things, over and over. i just can't beg enough.

 

and you should listen to the others, they're right. i think you'd be a lot happier without me, and i want you to be happy because i love you. it seems like now the ONLY time my past is brought up, is when YOU bring it up. i don't bring up my past anymore. when i did way back i wasn't thinking, and for some effed up reason it didn't occur to me that it was wrong. now i see that it was completely out of line and wrong, and i was lucky that you didn't break up with me. i know i've said this a million times, i'm sorry i brought you so much pain.

 

i think the girl you're looking for is far more deserving than me, you should go find her. she's out there, so don't leave her waiting. this is draining and sucking the life out of both of us and i know i'm not mature enough for you. i have a long journey ahead of me of becoming mature, and you're already miles ahead of me. right now is not the time ibrahim. you even gave me an ultimatum, and maybe i do deserve it. like the others said, i guess you gave me too many chances and i failed you each time. i just want you to know that i really did try, i really did.

 

everyone else here and your friends at college can see that this isn't going to work, so let's not kid ourselves. i'll let you to be the one who decides our fate, just let me know when you've made up your mind.

 

i'm sorry i couldn't be the perfect girl you wanted me to be. good luck

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  • 3 months later...

Wow, I know this was posted couple of months ago but I have to put some input into this matter since I am going through exactly the same thing as you 1451!

Although I'm not sure if you will ever read this or not.

 

I guess i'm in a bit of lucky situation than you in a way. I'm 24 and my bf is 23. He's my first boyfriend but i'm his third girlfriend or second serious girlfriend.

He says i'm his first love. He lost his virginity to his first gf and i'm obviously a virgin.

I'm going through a problem where i'm having a great difficulty accepting his past. It just gotten worse in the past couple of days. I just feel miserable.

Wishing I had boyfriends before him so that the pain isn't as great knowing that we are both on the same page.

All my friends and other people that it will take time and every time it comes into my mind, i try to distract myself (listening to music, watching movies, cleaning, exercise etc)

Thankfully, my boyfriend has never mentioned his ex voluntarily, he honestly answered my questions when I asked about her. Then i would get upset over it because it bothered me, although it was my fault. I know how they broke up, and how his feelings for her was drifting away way before they officially broke up. No he was not cheating at all, I think he just lost interest in her.

However, it is just very difficult to process them together in my head, having sex and spending time together.

I feel like i'm going mad sometimes because imagine them having sex together and i think about how i'm going to break up with my boyfriend and end this whole thing.

I hope you are doing better by now

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