Wife of 12 years had 6 month distance affair on Facebook meeting the guy once.

About me: I am 42 Married 12 years with two younger kids. I am successful and strong but connect with my emotions and am not afraid to show it. I give my wife tons of attention and she has always been my best friend. I treat her with tons of love and respect and she appreciates me for it. I work a mile from home and get to see my wife at lunch as well and my kids before they started school and during the summer. I am home a lot and spend time with both my kids and wife regularly.

About my wife: She is 46 and now stay at home mom. We are both on our second married, both with no children from our past marriages. She was a PR professional with success in her career. She has always not known she is pretty and lacks some in self-confidence. She has been very jealous in the past and can be stubborn and difficult.

1. Wife had off and on problems with alcohol and anorexia.

2. Caught wife being inappropriate with ex-coworker on Facebook flirting about a past sexual event that occurred before she knew me.

3. Wife went on Girls weekend in April to Las Vegas and added Canadian guys to Facebook from that trip.

4. We had a fight over her communicating with Canadian guys still. She appeased but continued behind my back.

5. Caught wife hording alcohol and drinking during the day. 5th major relapse since married.

6. Told wife to get help or get out. Wife joins AA.

7. 2 months later, wife quit AA, next day starts drinking again and drives kids around.

8. Tracked wife’s cell phone sitting at the end of our street while I was home with the kids. Called and went to voicemail. Text “Where are you” and car started moving. Got home and after prodding and her lying found out it was Canadian guy (thought there was only one and he was not quite the looker, so was not too concerned)

9. 6 months after Vegas trip, I found 45 pages of Facebook internet affair with other Canadian guy. “I love you”, “I miss you”, “I wish you were here to cuddle”,”want to meat up in LA when he was going to be there for business” etc. Every time I was not looking or she was alone.

10. I confronted her, put my fist through a door and told her it’s over. She freaked out, started crying and wouldn’t let me go. She gave me access to everything and I changed all passwords taking over all of her accounts.

11. Next several days spent talking. She came clean stating she made out with Canadian guy in Vegas and also performed oral sex on a different guy another night while being extremely intoxicated (I would not have known any of this had she not came clean). Also she had been telling me she and a friend were going to go to LA to get something for me. She admitted she was setting that up so she and a friend could go see him when he was going to be there.

12. Wife started real Rehab going well as far as I can tell.

13. Found pictures wife had previously text to Canadian guy of just her chest clothed and one semi risqué. This was sent before I confronted her.

14. Still ups and downs, distrust and worry that I am being naïve. Constantly checking up on her.

She says it has nothing to do with me and more of doing with her being stuck in a rut with kids and life and general. She said it was a double life that started with good intentions but turned bad, more of a fantasy world. Because of her full disclosure, I believe she is sincere that she wants to be with me. But I am worried that she might do something again and or worse. She has had no contact with this guy, I emailed his wife and told her what was going on and both their Facebook accounts were deleted shortly after. The other Canadian removed his friendship when he found out I took over all my wife's accounts. I poured over everything to make sure I didn't miss anything and then gave her everything back but her yahoo account. She has to use my server for email if she only since she should have nothing to hide. I see the inbound and outbound all day long to keep an idea of what she may be doing. She has always told me that she has married up. I like the complement and know she means it. I'm no model, but when I walk in to a room, women from 18 on up to 50+ pay attention. It's not like I can't find another women. I'm 42 and know a gorgeous 28 year old that would go out with me the instant I told her I was single. My wife know's this, so why would she risk it? I'm not saying she's not pretty, but she's more girl next door pretty which is something I really like. Anyway, this is on the edge of more then I can handle. I find strength from knowing my boys depend on me.

One of my friends told me something that really stuck with me. "Just Breathe", "You don't have to make a decision today, tomorrow or even 6 months from now, you can make the decision to leave when you are level headed and you feel that is the only option". That has helped me greatly to just take it hour by hour and day by day.

This is really raw for me. I am wondering if anyone else has had their wife give a full disclosure after something like this and how it went afterwards. My worst fear is that it happens again and or she can't stay sober.

I'm nearly 5 months into trying to heal my marriage. I was the one with an affair, though my wife is in denial about her being in one now (no sex in either of ours, but still very damaging).

Your issues are harder than mine, so I have little advice. Your friend is right. You can pull the trigger a year later if you want.

While I might not have advice, my ear is always here for bending if you want

#11 up there had to hurt like hell to hear. Man oh man I'm sorry about that.

hope #12 works.

#14, well only time can heal, and only time will tell.

Cheers and good luck.

-nbr

Alcohol doesn't actually cause you to cheat, it just lowers your inhibitions.

This woman went behind your back for over 6 months, lied and lead a double life.

She's selfish, a liar with no conscience and if you stay with her you'll giving her the green light to cheat on you for the rest of your life.

Divorce her, people don't really change and this wasn't a mistake.

Oh and these are all character flaws so counselling won't do a thing.

"She has had no contact with this guy, I emailed his wife and told her what was going on and both their Facebook accounts were deleted shortly after. The other Canadian removed his friendship when he found out I took over all my wife's accounts. I poured over everything to make sure I didn't miss anything and then gave her everything back but her yahoo account. She has to use my server for email if she only since she should have nothing to hide. I see the inbound and outbound all day long to keep an idea of what she may be doing."

I've never been married, had a family, yada yada, but this seems like way too much work. She's your wife, not your daughter. Agree with the poster above me, she's probably not going to change and even if she does, would you ever really be able to trust her?

You have taken full control of her internet actions to safegaurd yourself and to prevent her from doing this again,

you can't live like that ..you will go mad ...she is an adult and with or without the internet, if she is going

to do it again ..she will ..regardless

She can still go out and cheat. Have one night stands, have affairs at work, or with friends. =/

Restricting her net access or getting a hold of her accounts will not do anything.

Trust me, if a person wants to cheat, they'll do anything.

I speak from experience.

 

I see the inbound and outbound all day long to keep an idea of what she may be doing.

Do you really want to continue to live like this? You have become a parent, not a husband.

It's your choice to give her another chance, but at some point you have to cease checking up on her. Will you be able to do that? She doesn't sound particularly trustworthy. It's great that you don't want to give up on your marriage, but at what point are there just too many issues? And at what point are you the one doing all the work in the relationship?

people don't get help until they perceive they hit rock bottom.

I think you should consult an attorney and separate from her - officially and legally. Do whatever you can between flex time and the help of relatives to make sure the kids are where they need to be. Be careful to document, because a husband who controls the internet can be seen as abusive and controlling if she presents that issue first, so you can be seen as doing it for good reason. --------

I do agree in taking a deep breath so you have your ducks in a row first rather than dramatically kicking her out one night.

WHo knows, in a seperation she can hit rock bottom but she may never.

She's a difficult woman with low-self esteem and believes herself to be unattractive ( which she probably is ) who is and has done the following :

1. An alcoholic

2. A cheater

3. A liar

So why do you stay? Is it for the sake of the piece of paper that you both call " marriage " ? Is it the fact that this is your 2nd marriage and you would feel a personal failure if it doesn't last? In regards to this 3rd question, most people stay in horrible situations because they feel that they can fix it or else it would be a failure on their account. However, this is not how life should be lived. I don't know about you ( I am in my 30s ), but I do NOT want to be nearing the middle age years with a horrible woman beside me. I would want to live, love and be loved by someone worthy. I want to be 80 - 90 yrs old with that wonderful someone that has brought me laughter and wonderful memories to carry to my death bed. I do NOT want to die with the regret of " I have WASTED so many years on such an unworthy person who has brought me nothing but despair ".

If you stay, then it's your own doing. If you leave, then at least, you know you took your own destiny in your own hands.

As a recovering addict I'll throw in my two cents.

Your wife is an addict, staying clean and sober is a lifelong commitment. Every day, all day long, the temptation is there and relapse is highly likely. Those are the facts. She can't just go to rehab, walk out and be okay fine from now on. It doesn't work that way and she will need ongoing support. Your wife has much, much deeper issues than just her alcoholism. Her history of anorexia and prior behavior point to that. She needs therapy for all of this. You would benefit from Alanon or some therapy yourself. Enabling, denial and co-dependence are pretty common for loved ones of addicts and alcoholics. Your trust in her has been damaged and it will take a lot of work from both of you to repair that.

It's not just stuck in a rut with kids making her do this and it's not the drinking either. She's made a LOT of conscious choices to lie, sneak around and behave badly. Something else to think about.

I wish you luck.

As your friend said... take it day by day.... hour by hour.

I'm not sure how long you will be able to keep this monitoring up.

Its tough. You either "leave" someone and hope they hit rock bottom and change or they show your their true colors. If she doesn't "get better" you can't blame yourself for that.

You also need to be seeing someone for this...

She says it has nothing to do with me...

Her acknowledgement of this is one positive sign. Perhaps this time there will be a real change in her.

I get a very different read on this from the others. You yourself sound extremely controlling, and I would guess that your "monitoring of the input and output" of her social life is not the first controlling action you've taken with her.

She is an alcoholic. She is a cheater. But do you two even love each other? Have you ever? From just your description of how good looking you are and the rest of it I sense miles of distance between you two and frankly am not surprised whatsoever that she cheats. Hopefully she comes around and begins to realize how much of a better status her life is at because of you and sees how much more emotionally satisfying it is when her husband has full rights to read all of her daily emails.

Your situation sounds very similar to mine. Your friends advice is good, and advice that I am living day to day with right now as well. I really haven't decided if we are staying together or splitting. Ignore the folks on here that are saying you are controlling...it is not controlling to want to protect yoruself from further harm while figuring out what to do. It is your wife that messed up, not you.

First off, thank you all for taking the time to respond. I know I am in for a bit of a rough road, but the thing that is important in this all is that we are best friends too. She has given me 12 great years of love and friendship and being a great mom. This is the first of infidelity although we have struggled through the alcohol off and on 5 times over the years. I have 0 trust right now, so that is why I am monitoring everything. I am not controlling person for the most part, I am just doing what I need to do to get by since tomorrow will have been 2 weeks since this all came out (and she offered it if I let her stay). I believe her to be sincere in everything she has been telling me, but I don't tell her that, nor do I take her word as the truth right now. My earlier statements were written with raw emotion. She is a pretty girl and she has a rockin' body too since she works out a lot. That is not an issue for me. I have dated more attractive and less attractive. I married her because she was pretty inside and out which made her more attractive to me then anyone else. She can't believe what she did, nor can I. She came from a bad marriage with a drug addict and knows what it's like so she feels horrible for everything she has put me through. That having been said, I still wonder if the person was more accessible if I would be dealing with an entirely different set of circumstances. I suspect this was just a fantasy world that would have fizzled when she saw him again. I once met a woman after my first marriage. I only knew her for one evening, then we communicated back and forth for several months. I was certain I had huge feelings for her and the relationship could have gone somewhere. When I flew out to see her for a week, I realized the chemistry was not the same as in my mind and this was not for me. The point is, I built this up in my head to be something way more then it was because of where I was at in my life. I think that is what happened with her. Anyway, I am on a rollercoaster but am trying to keep my head clear and focus on the facts and seeing where things go. I have warned her that I now have less then 0 tolerance that any single bad action beyond this and she has to get out. We do have a great relationship and that is why I am still trying to work things out, not to mention the sex is still good as it has always been throughout our 12 years together. I do hope that a therapist will help us sort things out better and or make sure we are on track to move forward. Thank you all again.

Thank you SolFeather, you are right on the money.

Given everything you had written, personally speaking, there is no way I would continue in this relationship.

I may not Anderson, but, I am not making that decision yet. I do really love her, we get along well 95% of the time and we have two young children to think about, so I might as well hang in there and see what happens. Can't get any worse then it already has right?

I don't think it matters that you guys get along, if your spouse can just stab you in the heart repeatedly with no remorse or care. Talk about spitting on your marriage vows yeah?

I hope you'll have the strength and self respect to leave soon.

You said you have a great relationship and she's your best friend. This is contradictory to her actions. It seems like she has many issues and your relationship isn't so great. Hopefully, therapy will help you see the reality of her and your relationship. Then you can decide if its really worth it.

Can't get any worse then it already has right?

You know what you're in for, should you decide to stay. You create your experiences, and choose its consequences.

She performed oral sex on another guy. Intoxicated? She was obviously conscious and rational enough to know exactly what she was doing, AND remember it! And seriously, you actually believe it was just oral? Hmm.. I guess, there is always the benefit of the doubt. But, she sounds like a pathological liar. And you reported that it wasn't just physical cheating, right? Hmm..

I say the truth is somewhere inbetween. She's not all bad and you are not all bad. She is not all good and you are not all good. Yes, she's an alcoholic liar who cheated. But you have strong chemistry and good sex. Yes, you are controlling her but you are doing it with the misguided thought that it will help your marriage.

Neither of you will grow until you both have a little humility and you get into counseling because you both need healthy ways of dealing with the situation. Right now, neither of you are being healthy.

And Darcy nails it.

"The difference between stupid and intelligent people – and this is true whether or not they are well-educated – is that intelligent people can handle the places in between two polar opposites.” - Neal Stephenson

Drunkenness should never be an excuse for bad behaviour...especially adultery. It may lower inhibitions, but peopple are still consciously making choices. If they are claim to be so out of control when they are drunk that they are not making their own choices...then they should never drink...ever...

Deepsea, you must have not read all my post. I know it went no further because she was on her period. She did confess all of this or I would have never known any of it. The only thing I caught her on was the online facebook emotional affair. I gave her one chance to come clean on everything or I was going to kick her out and move on. She did and so here we are.

Ms Darcy, some truth to what you say I suppose, but as I mentioned, I am not being controlling to help my marriage, I am doing it for me, so I can get by until we get help. Everyone can judge that, but, it is what I need to do so that I don't go crazy with it all. Either I had to take control or call it quits. Now we just are working through it all, her in rehab and counseling starting next week. And yes, I am that all good. She as well as anyone we know will tell you I am an great husband, attentive and kind, caring, thoughtful and encouraging. Her friends, family, my friends and family will all tell you the same thing. I have my faults for sure, but, I am proud of who I am and how I treat her.

SolFeather, I agree, however alcoholism is a different issue all together. From what I have been seeing / reading, alcoholics have destructive behavior and seek self gratification not really caring about anyone but themselves. I don't think she should drink anymore either. I guess I'll have to see how rehab goes for her. I have to adjust to an alcohol free home now too which is a bummer but doable (I do love my Jack and Coke on occasion).