Moving away from over-protective parents?

First of all I apologize for the length. Please take a moment to read through this. The opinion of other young people as well the opinion of parents that may be on this site would be extremely helpful.

I am a 22 years old girl and I have lived with my parents my entire life. I never moved away for college like most people do because I never really had a say.

A little background...My parents are immigrants in this country and while they don't speak English very well, they can get by on their own (they have jobs, they have cousins and friends here). They have always been overprotective and still want to micromanage my life as if I was 5 years old...Example: mom still demands to know what time I am leaving the house every day, what my class schedule is like, when I will be getting home, where I am at all times, and who I am with etc. If I haven't told them when I'll be home. or if I am just 15 min late from when I said I'd be home, I will get 15 voice-mails of my parents yelling and demanding to know what's going on. My mom still seems to think that, at 22, I am incapable of feeding myself.

This has been the situation my entire life and the more it continues the more I realize how much it has affected me. I currently have no social life, no social skills, no friends, or boyfriend. Whenever I did want to go out and do something non-school or work related I was always given the disappointed look and a speech about how much they have sacrificed for my wellbeing and how I wasn’t being a good daughter. I don’t remember ever having a heart to heart talk with my parents, and whenever I try to speak to them I feel like a ****ty daughter. When I went on a few dates, a couple of years ago, I always had to lie and say that I was at school or work so I didn’t have to explain to them that I have needs and desires that go beyond school education. My sister lived at home until she was 26 when she got married, and the worst part is that now she is starting to hint that if I move away from my family I am a terrible person who simply doesn’t care.

But I do care, I value family and I love my parents to pieces but I never feel any love back, I only get disapproval from them. I know they do things out of love and I know they want the best for me but at this moment I look back on my life and I feel like I have missed out of so much because I was pressured to be this perfect little girl who stays at home and does homework all the time to please her parents. I feel like I missed out on being a carefree child and teenager. I now I realize that I haven’t actually lived life…I have no street smarts…I do nothing for fun because I will always meet the disproving looks and words of my father and I will feel guilty. Whatever I did was never good enough and there was always something I should have done better.

So here I am: valedictorian of my class, as far as grades go and a good job, but with no social skills, feeling worthless and depressed as hell. What’s worse is that I find myself chasing after romantic relationships that make me feel worthless and resemble the relationship with my father. (EX. I have spent the last 3 years of my life lusting over and chasing after a man who, just like my father, always found something wrong with whatever I said and did and always made me feel unworthy of his love.)

I don’t want to live life like this anymore, in this little bubble, and am very much looking forward to graduating from college so that I have another chance to move away.

Whenever I mention something about moving away to my parents the arguments start. They always played the “we need you” and "we'll be miserable if you leave" cards and I feel very selfish for wanting to move away so badly. My father has even said to me “your mom and I only had kids so that when we got old we had someone to take care of us”. And while I want to take care of them, I think they really have issues understanding that I'm no longer 10 and those issues are translating over to me, making me incredibly unhappy and seeking for a fresh start on my life.

I want to experience life on my own, make my own decision, make mistakes and learn from them. Am I way out of line here? Am I being selfish? How do I tell them that I have decided to move away without hurting them?

Don’t get me wrong, I take full responsibility for my unhappiness – after all no one tied me in chains to stay in this house. But I never had the courage to do something that I know will make them sad and now I feel like I have finally had enough and I am ready to take action.

I know financially moving away will be hard with only a couple thousands of dollars that I have saved and I know I will be very lonely moving far way from everything that is familiar to me so far, but I can’t get any lonelier and more depressed than this.

If you have any suggestions about how to deal with this, a similar story or anything related please let me know.

Reading your thread it reminded me so much of my own parents - portuguese immigrants! Not sure if yours are portuguese as well but they are definitely european as I see plenty of similarities..the only thing is Im a guy and I was lucky enough to get the good end of the stick because they didn't have as many issues with me going out as they did with my sisters. But they went through everything you have and some of my cousins are currently going through the same. I know its kind of hard to break that shell out of them, it seems that if you go out past a certain time something "bad" will happen to you..and when you don't get home on time due to traffic or just getting held back it seems that you become a liar..I know what you are going through in the sense that you want to get away from them because they're demanding and feel the need to control your life until you get married. At times my sisters used to say to my parents "how do you expect me to get married, when im not even allowed out? where am I going to find a guy inbetween going to school/work and getting home on time? I guess they expect you to find the perfect guy at church or at the bus stop. So I just wanted to say that you aren't the only one going through something like this. Hold through, and find ways where you can get out there. If possible, maybe find a job where you can work a little "late" that will give them the IDEA that you're out at work, but you're really out enjoying yourself. I know its harsh and seems bad that you're going behind their back but sometimes with those kind of parents..you got too. Maybe a 'night job'? a job where you get off at like 2am. Its worth the try, i know you probably wont want to tell them that because telling them that, they will think it isn't right for you to work that late. But hey! they gotta deal sometimes, and with that you will easily be able to break there shell more and more. As they get older, it gets a little better...trust me. I hope things get better for you, hang in there! Once you have freedom im telling you..you won't know what to do with it. You'll feel a huge relief off your back...

They're being way too controlling and it's going to end up hurting you in the long run. Heck, when you get your first real job after college they might start yelling at you about the hours! I think you should definitely move out once you graduate and get a job. You're not going to be able to grow much where you are. Of course they will deliver guilt trips when you decide to leave, but you need to ignore it. Since they up and told you they just had kids for someone to take care of them, that's pretty selfish - they could have at least tried to keep that to themselves! Plus you won't be the first kid who disappoints their parents by leaving, tons of parents are sad when their kids leave but they do get over it.

I'm going to try a different approach here because although my parents were never as extreme as yours seem to be, they still had a great difficulty as seeing me as an adult from the age of 18. Even when I was upset with something they did or said to me, when I told them about it they'd still take it as a tantrum from the "stroppy teenager" and wouldn't take me seriously. I am now the same age as you by the way, and I also still live with them. We have a friendly relationship with each other and as long as I send the occasional text message telling them I'm alright they are fine with me going out whenever I want.

I know it's hard to imagine such a relationship but in actual fact, most young adults still suffer this mindset from their parents simply because they let them. You are 22 years old, not 5, not 10, not 15. It is a simple request to ask as an adult to an adult to respect that you would like a bit of freedom, and that you are not a child anymore. Once you calmly tell them that you are already thinking of moving out due to their views of you perhaps they will eventually realise that maybe they are getting a bit too extreme. Your sister did everything right the way they wanted it. She stayed with them until she got married and then she left. You are different, not everyone can be the same as her. They may not realise they are doing it but your family are emotionally blackmailling you. Stop following their rules for one, if you don't want to go home at a certain time, then don't. Send a quick text message to your mother to let her know you're alright, but you're staying for a little bit extra. Let her get angry, then later calmly explain that you needed more time in the library, or whatever you did. I'm not saying rebel against your family, but if they are treating you like a child, then you are feeding their treatment with behaving like a child and fulfilling their silly demands.

What kinds of organizations are at your school?

I think you'll have to start small, like volunteering for the Student's Association or taking a pt job, in order to get out of the house. Start looking for opportunities to meet girlfriends, people you'd feel comfortable shopping or having lunch with on weekends.

Then gradually begin going to movies, or stopping for drinks after work.

Once you've begun to build up confidence, you'll find it easier to find friends and easier to confront your parents in a firm but kind hearted way, but I wouldn't do so until you've actually started looking around at activities that are suitable. Hopefully, they'll come around!

You have to move out from this house , i have the same parents . I know exactly what you are going Through the only way to move out from there is to find a job and apply for college in onother city

This thread is from 2012.

You have to move out from this house , i have the same parents . I know exactly what you are going Through the only way to move out from there is to find a job and apply for college in onother city

I know . Iam a new member i havent Been here Before . I read here thread and i hope she has moved out . Because she is not the only one there are Many girls who are in the same situation as she was in so i hope she really moved out seriously

You have to move out from this house , i have the same parents . I know exactly what you are going Through the only way to move out from there is to find a job and apply for college in onother city

Seven year old thread.

Hopefully the OP has moved out by now

Thread is seven years old and the OP has never returned. Thread closed.