Ok, I had no idea where to start this, but hopefully I found that many people also have the same feelings about this terrible life. It just ain't easy, and whenever I try to fix things, they only seem to get worst. Seriously, why can everyone smle? Why not me?
Let's just start out with a bit of my history... I was an accident. My parents never planned on having a kid, they were too young, didn't even study in the proper way. So, they met on a disco, and they had "love", all those things. I'm the second son, when they had their first kid, they were like 19~20. Hopefully, my grandmother (mother of my father) has lots of money, and they have been living with no problems, even nowadays.
My parents were terrible with raising kids. They couldn't give us the proper love everyone needs. I mean, there has been always money, but no dialogues, no interactions. I was beaten up everytime I did something wrong, many times not understanding why all that was happening.
Time to go to school. Meeting the books wasn't yet a serious frustration, but I never liked studying, even though I was very good at Math. I had no friends. There was like one friend when I was 7, and he dissappeared shortly after I changed to another school, the best in my town, too expensive. I met the real books when I was around 12: studying wasn't for everyone, and I started having trouble. Videogames were my main activity, since it was so fun and easy, I enjoyed training games for hours until I got better than my brother, since he never would let me play, we constantly fighted. Only after 2, 3 years after the games' presentation that I was able to enter this new world. And since people in real life didn't like me, I preferred to stay here, in my world.
I was scared of my parents. My father is chemically dependent, my mother is alcoholic. They would trade me very often. And I only discovered what was happening recently, being like 15 years old (I'm 17 today). I could never trust them, I never felt comfortable in their presence. My grandmother always loved my father, even though he's absolutely wrong, and mistreated me and my brothers.
They presented me religion. Ok, who is God? He's the supreme entity that no one can see, but we all know? Oh c'mon... if he really loved me, I wouldn't be like this now. I was forced to go to the church every Sunday, and do programs like Vigil, Procession, Eucharist, Chrism. I never believed in God, and now that I'm starting to rebel against my family, they're all saying the devil is in my life, I'm depressive because God isn't with me, all that lame stuff. They just won't respect my decision. I stopped going to the church, but they're still very mad at me.
No one taught me how to live. No one taught me how to love myself. I wasn't taught how to talk to other people. I still suck a lot in this socializition process. "Be yourself", they said. Then they judge me. "You play videogames hours a day? This is way too immature for someone your age! Ya should go to parties, drink beer, flirt some women."
Boys would always fleer me.
"You must be a great loser. Don't your mother love you?"
"Since your **** look like girls' ones, I'm gonna buy you a brassiere."
"You think you're some character from videogames? Your music sucks, ya gotta listen to more adult lyrics and beats." (most of my music taste revolves around game soundtracks, and they're in majority instrumental);
"Weak! We haven't even started training, and you're all this tired from just running a bit? *****!"
"You don't talk about girls? Are you gay? What's wrong with you?"
"You're very ugly, she would never go out with someone like you."
When I was 13, my hormones began to act, and I felt attracted to girls, but was unable to do anything. I didn't even knew what masturbation meant, I only started to do it with 15 years of age, and I'm unable to stop it now, it's my response to loneliness. I see masturbation like "you're terrible with women, so you're gonna do this alone until you die". I started looking at porn with 12, but only began to know it properly with 15. At that same year (2010), I met a girl who was like me totally, but she was 4 years older, and didn't want me. I went on depressive state for 6 months, until I finally forgot about her.
I can't talk to someone without thinking about what they think about me. I end up being talking about normal **** everyone is already tired of hearing. Since I'm at end of high school, I only talk about what job they intend to follow, those things. I can never get to know someone properly.
When I was 16, I started going to local tournaments of gaming. I started having friends with the same interests, but some of them also seemed to don't have any luck with women (there are both groups: ones that are 15~17 aged, and the ones that are 20~30, the last is ok). We still play a lot, and it's my way to escape from real life, I try not to think about the other things in which I'm a complete failure.
As you all can see, I'm terrible at expressing myself. My english is not the best, I'm a brazilian, from the north region (Manaus, Amazonas) and I learned more than half of it by myself.
- My grades in school are very bad, and my mother made me go on a trip to Portugal without my approval. I'm gonna have one of the most important exams of the year, starting now, at October 22th, and didn't got the time to study properly. Counting with tomorrow, I lost 12 days, 84 classes. Mom has brought 2 friends of herself, and I feel isolated, I can't interact. I'm always at Facebook and Whatsapp talking to my friends. My little brother is a terrible person, I really don't like him, and I already screamed at him in anger many times.
I have a lot more things to talk, I guess, but just to make it short:
- I hate my family;
- People in general don't like me; I have little friends who really like me, but my life is incomplete, I'm not satisfied, and if I want it to be complete, I'll have to talk to people I don't like;
- People are better than me in everything: boys and girls are dating and going out, seem to have a good time talking and making programs, I pretty much am in the same routine;
- I don't love myself, I'm totally ashamed of both my body and personality, tastes, etc;
- I want to love a woman so bad, but I fail at talking and being attractive. I think I'll die alone, I never even got to kiss someone, and I'm 17;
- I don't enjoy going out, since I feel strange around all the people, they look so happy... I don't go to the movies and all these things since about 6 months. I only go out to play videogames and eat with my friends
- Life sucks. If I can't fix my problems within a year, I don't think I wanna stay here anymore. I mean, nobody will miss me. All that lame conversation will only last a day. I'm gonna try to enter a public university, and if it doesn't work, I'll definitely won't know what to do.
Or better yet: Little friends who make it better, but still incomplete, sexual frustration, social frustration, life frustration.
I gotta know a painless and discreet method. Can you guys help me out? Also, for reference, my brother is also a member from this forum, I think his name here is Johnny Jr, he's the guy who can't forget about his ex.