2.5 years in and boyfriend wants another 2-3 years ...

Hi ENAers,

I have been living with my boyfriend for nearly 2.5 years and we get along great, but he does have financial problems (student loans, etc) and my career is MUCH more stable than his. He is a first year/apprentice carpenter - they get laid off, work, get laid off, etc.. He just started this a few months ago.

Anyways, we get along great, but he never brings up the future but I want to get married within the next year or two. I finally bit the bullet and talked to him about it, at which point he indicated that he needs a few more years to get his life together.

He tells me that I'm miserable at my job and he thinks that I may put pressure on him to "fix" my problems and that if it doesn't happen, I'll be miserable with him too. He says he wants me to be super happy to be married to him. I don't even know where that comment came from because yes, I am miserable at my job, but I love our family and our life together and work is very low on my importance scale, as long as the bills are paid and we can make ends meet.

My problem is this: we already have been together 2.5 years. I am almost 30 (in April). I don't know at this point if I want more kids or not (I have a son already, he's 9). If I give him 2-3 more years, I will be 32, 33ish. And what if it doesn't happen even at that point?? Then I will have to take a few more years to meet someone, date, etc... in a perfect world I may meet someone else, or maybe not, who knows. And don't even get me started on having kids at that age - I have some serious medical problems that may make it impossible or very unlikely that I would have a good pregnancy if I wait. Again, I'm not even sure I want more kids, but I sure as hell don't want the option to be "off the table" because I waited too long for someone that isn't ready. And he does not sound like he wants kids at all while I am unsure/confused about the issue.

I am not sure whether we should continue to date if he really needs that much time to get his life sorted out. I have a cruise booked in February for the three of us so I probably won't do anything until then, but I am seriously considering leaving him over this. I really hate being in this position because other than that, we are truly best friends and love each other like crazy, but if we're not on the same page then what's the point?

Am I being stupid or unreasonable if I leave him?? I don't know what to do, I have really no idea and this is killing me.

All you can do is figure out how long you're willing to wait. If that's 2 more years, or 1 more year, or whatever, you need to be clear with yourself and with him about it. Forget about fair or right or wrong--it's your own boundary and you're entitled to it. He's entitled to either come to terms with it or say no.

I think that you have to figure out if he is just doesnt want to get married to you or if he really needs the time. Either way, as was mentioned previously you have to realize that you are the one placing these artificial time limits on yourself. You should also be aware that if you decide to end this relationship you most likely wont be able to stick with your timeline anyway.

I actually agree with your boyfriend on this one. Being cut twice from two different school systems as a teacher because of budgeting issues... I had to delay my own wedding plans and wait longer. I was supposed to get married July 2013... it got pushed to July 2014 no thanks to the economy. My fiance finally said the hell with it all, went back to school for higher career advancement so we can live off his income if I get shafted from my job again.

Stuff happens. Prepare for it. Don't rush the marriage plans if none of you are ready for them now. Too often couples do this. The #1 reason why our divorce rate is so high is because of money issues.

he never brings up the future but I want to get married within the next year or two.

Really? And how do you suppose that will work out when his career is very unstable?

my career is MUCH more stable than his.

But can YOU support yourself, him, and your child off your salary alone?

IMO, I think you are being a little too pressuring and he doesn't want to commit to anything until he feels settled in his job. Can you really blame him?

2.5 years? Try being together for over 7 years and come talk to me

I think it's unrealistic for him to expect you to be "super happy" but I can see where he's coming from if you're not happy at your job and his career is unstable - that's two problems pulling on a marriage. But since you guys don't have plans to change your jobs, I don't see this problem being resolved, even with more time (unless you do have plans to change jobs that you haven't mentioned). I'm leaning toward saying go for it even if you aren't happy career-wise, because no situation is ever ideal. I think he's being slightly unrealistic, but that might just be the terminology you used ("super happy").

2.5 isn't very long. I get that you feel like time is running out. I feel like that and I'm only 26. But it's better to wait and risk not getting married when you want to, than to spend the rest of your life miserable.

Snny - I have been more or less supporting everyone on my salary alone. I just don't think he'll be "settled" in his job since this is the nature of his job. That's part of being in a trade union - when there's work, there's work - but it's a constant cycle of layoffs, which will never change. It's what he has chosen to do so I have to live with that.

My career is steady and well paying but it's not easy work and I don't enjoy it all, but despite that I haven't really been looking for anything else.

2.5 isn't very long. I get that you feel like time is running out. I feel like that and I'm only 26. But it's better to wait and risk not getting married when you want to, than to spend the rest of your life miserable.

 

2.5 years isn't that long, but I think 5 years is TOO long.....

2.5 years isn't that long, but I think 5 years is TOO long.....

I don't think 5 years is too long either.

I don't think 5 years would be unreasonable if I was in my early or mid 20's, but I really don't want to find out at 32 or 33 that he's not interested in settling down.

we are truly best friends and love each other like crazy

You would be absolutley INSANE if you left him, based on what you said here. love is a gift. It is rare.like steak or sushi, no really . Its a gift , why would you throw that away?

I think it's okay to take some time for yourself and think about what you want at this point. Give yourself some distance from the relationship so that you can think clearly. Take care of your life first.

I wish I could get some distance, Petite. We live together though .. we have plans together like our February cruise .. I think I'm going to give it another year at the most but if nothing happens by next December, then it's time to call it quits once and for all. I hate to put a time frame on things like that but the reality is, he's too comfortable with the way things are and he's assuming that we will continue like this forever. Great for him. Not so great for me.

My career is steady and well paying but it's not easy work and I don't enjoy it all, but despite that I haven't really been looking for anything else.

Ok... great you are kind of settled. But he isn't. You can't force a man to propose if he doesn't feel ready and vice versa. He has given you his reasons (which are valid) why he won't propose yet. Why should he marry someone who is very unhappy with their career and HE can't be counted on as a provider yet? Men want to feel like they can provide for a family or they won't commit to one. You either accept his reasons or walk. Don't wait around if you're not planning to.

2.5 years isn't that long, but I think 5 years is TOO long.....

I've been with my fiance for about 9 years now. Not a lot of people on ENA can compare to this. Yes, it is a helluva long time and yes, people have given me looks when I tell them how long I have been with my fiance. But it's our own business that we call the shots when we feel the time is right.

Nobody else can tell you when you should be married. For some people, it takes a littler longer based on their situation/finances. By the time I walk down that altar and say my vows, I will 110% well know that our marriage will last because we know each other too well AND I can trust him. unlike those who say they didn't want to wait on their relationships... I would be the one to say I'm glad I didn't give into pressure.

By the time we're married, it will be 10 years. We both will be in our early 30's.

I don't think 5 years would be unreasonable if I was in my early or mid 20's, but I really don't want to find out at 32 or 33 that he's not interested in settling down.

Does age REALLY play a factor? I can see why if you are planning to have a kid, but you already indicated that you might not because you already have a 9 year old son.

I think I'm going to give it another year at the most but if nothing happens by next December, then it's time to call it quits once and for all.

Huh? You say you are going to leave within a year... but he already told you that he wants to wait 2-3 years. This doesn't make any sense. So why are you still with him? Please don't say it's because of a planned cruise.

Is there any way you can propose to be engaged together and remain fiancee's until you're both ready for the big dive into marriage?

Because it sounds like you just want a 100% confirmation that he will marry you eventually, so being 'engaged' would solve that... sort of... Either way I think you are panicking slightly because of the big 30 birthday I would suggest relaxing until your 30th birthday has been/gone so you will have a clearer head about these things...

Is there any way you can propose to be engaged together and remain fiancee's until you're both ready for the big dive into marriage?

How will this work when he doesn't feel ready with his given situation? Also, a lot of men feel emasculated if a woman proposes... this could easily backfire.

>>He tells me that I'm miserable at my job and he thinks that I may put pressure on him to "fix" my problems and that if it doesn't happen, I'll be miserable with him too. He says he wants me to be super happy to be married to him.

I have a different take on this... i think when he says that, what it really means is he is afraid if you marry, you'll take it as license to quit your job and expect him to support you and make enough money to do so, or you'll get more and more angry that he doesn't make more money and hence allow you to quit a job that you hate rather than needing for you to keeping working in a job you hate to support both of you.

So when you complain about your job, he worries that it means you expect HIM to fix it by earning enough money so you don't have to work in a job you hate and resent him for not making enough money for you to leave it. That is coming from a really patriarchal mindset where it is his job to earn all the money and he knows he isn't earning enough to pay off his debts and support you both, or else the opposite mindset, where he is terrified that if you marry you will take that as license to quit your job and become dead weight and require him to work harder to earn more money to support both of you which he doesn't want to do.

So I'd try to talk to him about his feelings/ideas about what marriage and money mean and how they relate to each other. And stop complaining about the job if that is causing him anxiety. I'd question him more about why he thinks you being unhappy in your job has any relation at all to getting married, and you might uncover his thinking on that. And then perhaps you can reassure him you have no intention of quitting your job and it is your responsibilty to look for a better one if you don't like the one you've got, not to bully him into working more to allow you to quit.

It is not marriage itself that most men fear, but the changes and problems that might ensue because of it (i.e., you expect him to work harder/more, you expect to have a child and quit your job and hence he needs to work harder/more, you get unhappy because you have expectations he will work harder and if he doesn't you get mad and divorce him and that costs a ton of money and possibly child support if you did have a child together). So lots of men avoid marriage because they imagine every possible BAD outcome, or they don't really want kids/lots of resonsibility and fear it will be expected of them if they agree to marriage.

so you should shift your focus to trying to remove all the obstacles he sees to marriage. By that i mean, if he is afraid you expect him to be the sole breadwinner and quit your job and put pressure on him to earn more, then the solution to that would be telling him you fully intend to keep working and it is your responsibility to find another job (and do it as quickly as possible) that you are happy in rather than complain about it in a way that makes him feel he must 'own' that problem of you'll be unhappy with him.

Men and women frequently communicate differently, where when a woman complains, she may just be venting and want emotional support and consolation, while what the man hears when you vent is that he must offer some solution to FIX it or he is less of a man. So when you complain, you are looking for emotional support, while he sees it as you are telling him a problem and are telling him so he should fix it.

So I'd spend less time complaining about the job and fix it yourself by putting all your efforts into finding a new/better job you don't hate, and it might reassure him.

n83, if you think 5 years is too long for you then, that is that... it's too long, FACT. This is about what's acceptable to you alone.

The main reason he cites for not wanting to further his and your commitment is that his job isn't settled enough - the implication being "yet" - and yet you've already shown that statement to be illogical due to the intrinsically/permanently inconsistent and insecure nature of his job or trade as disenables settling down. So clearly that's NOT the real obstacle.

"I see a future with you", is as "I see a future with you" *does*. Doing includes a run-up...this case, TALKING about it..making mental blueprints. He's not discussing it whatsoever, according to you. Actions (this case, lack of actions) speak loudest.

So let's recap:

- He's not behaving like a man who sees a future with you, vocalisations- or, I take it, other demonstrations-wise.

- He's attaching a condition to the future goal that can never actually be fulfilled.

- He's undermining your perfectly natural urges by deflecting the causal issue onto your job dissatisfaction (despite a woman doesn't even attribute the same importance and attitude to her career as a man!).

It's called, Fobbing you off... undermining your sense of conviction.

Clearly you're ready enough to settle down and have another kid or two *at least in terms of wanting to have the option ready and waiting for you*. Clearly he isn't. Were he ready and serious about settling down per se, let alone whom with, he wouldn't be tolerating a job-choice that prevents such.

When someone comes out with a fob-off that contains pure illogic, it indicates fear talking. It seems pretty obvious to me that he's already well aware that an admission over being unready, as opposed to you, will present a dealbreaker for you, thus wants to avoid that outcome (even as a potential). So clearly he *does* know he wants *you* despite he's not ready for all the trappings of adulthood yet.

So you're right - you're not on the same page.

That's not to say, however, that his feelings can't develop or drastically alter on that score. Sometimes a new attitude leads the way but, just as equally - when events change, changes to ATTITUDES AND FEELINGS/DESIRES/GOALS rapidly follow suit.

What does he want LEAST? - to lose you or to have to make a decision and sincere promise at last? That's about the long, short and curlies of it, IMO.

Saying that, however... Are you SURE you want more kids so badly or is that simply a claim that sits more comfortably in your mind than the real reason? Do you feel unworthy of insisting on a clear pledge to commitment after 2.5 years unless you have some extra justification and leverage??... Because, me, I'd say 2.5 years of *marriage simply sans paper* is AMPLE when it comes to knowing whether you're ready to at least *prepare* for peeing or getting off the pot.

I think if he were the *only* man in the world left open to having a relationship with, you'd be being unreasonable and self-defeating, yes. Do you feel he is??? Why? You've got to look at this.

Right Person + Right Place + Right *Time*. It's no-one's fault if your own and your partner's rates of emotional development aren't suitably in synch. It's just the way the cookie crumbles until such time as, courtesy of practise and personal development, you perfect your ability to pick the near-as-damnit-perfect candidate in the first place. Maybe he was only meant to be your 'limbering-up' aid?... your stepping stone to your ultimate, upgrade model?

Saying that, you don't know whether some rightful and *passive* pressure on your part might be just what the doctor ordered. After all, if you've been putting up and shutting up every time you've received the impression to suggest he isn't compatible enough with you to remain your future candidate, where on earth is his incentive to finally step up and convince you otherwise??? I can't see it, can you?

Ain't rocket science, is it.

BUT... you should never fire any arrow until you know exactly which bullseye you genuinely wish to aim for. Too many targetboards in your sightline and you're going to end up hitting none of them or only the edge of one. So I think you need to ask yourself more searching questions before you take the decision over whether to compromise and keep or amicably and regretfully discard.

xoxo

Thanks again for the responses everyone..

To respond to some previous thoughts.. he knows that I am not going to quit my job, or not work for that matter.. He is very used to me being the breadwinner in this relationship. I think he's just not ready, period.. It's really about him, not about me. HE has debt. He is not financially in a good place. I think that's a big part of why he doesn't want to get married yet, some how he thinks he will be in so much better shape in a few years.. When really, there's not much of a difference that will occur within 2-3 years. I think right now he's just not thinking about marriage, period. Even when I bring it up he just tells me that I shouldn't worry and I should just enjoy the present. It's easy for him to say when he can have the rest of his life if he wants to take that. I just don't think he's ready for "manhood" at this point, and lots of things show that to me, but I guess I just don't want to accept it because we are highly compatible.

I don't know if I want to have more kids or not, but I certainly don't want the option off the table forever all because I gave him too much of my precious time.

Well, I guess with you being the steady breadwinner, he doesn't even have to get a job with a more reliable and dependable income, does he.

I mean - it's laudible for a man to say he wants to be the main provider before tying the knot with you but, then - why isn't he putting even one foot in that direction yet? Error - Does Not Compute.

I agree one should try to live in the present as much as possible but... I agree more with you: how cushy for *him* that he got testicles instead of ovaries!

Really, though, that he could even stomach being somewhat of a kept man is a fact which ALONE says it all regarding where he's at on the adulthood path, wouldn't you say?

Highly compatible you are *not*, however. Evidently. Your entire attitudes towards your life goals and gender roles are so different as to be chasmic! (He Jane, you Tarzan??) I think what you may well be at this juncture, is simply highly compatible in the chemistry and friendship departments. Again, however: All is not necessarily lost. He may be resisting purely and simply because he thinks he *can*. Maybe a spell of living without you will help him re-consider whether commitment trumps major bereftness and grief or vice versa?... starting with you regretfully informing him that he has to move out and let you move on without him, and asking him to pack his bags by Xday OR suggesting a formal 3mth separation? Cos Sam-I-Am cannot say whether he doesn't like Green Eggs and Ham until he's actually *tasted* them...n'est pas!

This will be the ultimate test and mind-clarifier.

Good luck!

xoxo