"I want the man I marry to love God more than me"

A couple days ago, I agreed to go to a Christian Fellowship meeting with her. We both just moved to college and shes looking to carry over her deep Christian beliefs and continue her faith. I am not Christian and I have no intention of ever becoming one. I simply cannot bring myself to truthfully believe everything that is said in the bible. Afterwards, she told me "I wouldnt marry a man who wasnt Christian. I want the man I marry to love God more than he loves me". I taken aback. I told her I wasnt going to become a Christian, yet she did not end our 11 month old relationship. I love her and accept her beliefs as part of who she is so I have no reason to break up with her. I thought it sounded pretty clear that I wasnt the the "religious man" she was looking for, but she continues to say "I love you", kiss me and act normal in general. Even knowing that Ill never be Christian, why does she still continue to date me? Does she think she can convert me or something? I explicitly said Im not interested in religion so I dont understand what it is she wants. Shes not the type of girl to stick around with someone she believes she has no future with. The woman I marry is going to be the most important and most loved person in my life. They will be my number one priority. I simply cannot understand what is going through her mind.

This is a tough issue to deal with. It's easy to not talk about it or pretend it doesn't exist when you really care about someone, but it can sneak up and get in the way of a serious relationship. My ex ended up not wanting to get back together after almost four years because I didn't believe and she did. It was painful.

Because her religious mindset is such that she believes that if she prays to God enough, you will convert to her religion and 'find God' and then you will marry her and she'll stay home with a lot of babies while you work and spend most of your leisure time doing 'godly' things (going to church functions, praying, homeschooling the children, teaching Sunday School etc.).

So she doesn't believe you'll never be a Christian. She believes if she prays long enough God will change your mind. That is her belief system, which is the opposite of logic. You can't argue religion because it is not based on logic, it is an emotional attachment to the idea of God and whatever beliefs her particular brand of Christianity espouses.

So if you are non-Christian, it is time to let go and move on. She will be irrationally attached to the idea that if she prays long enough you will 'see the light'... That is wasting your time and hers if she genuinely is entrenched in her faith and you are not. She probably needs to date someone who already belongs to her church and has the same value system, and you need to find someone whose belief systems is similar to yours rather than an expectation that you must be a Christian (and her particular flavor of Christianity) in order to make a life with her.

Run far and run fast.

While this may look, at this moment in time, like something she will just 'get over', the odds of that are very slight indeed.

She is probably hoping one of two things. 1) That you become a Christian, or 2) that she manages to find some way to reconcile being with a non-Christian with her faith.

Here's the thing: According to the bible, a Christian is not supposed to marry a non-Christian. In fact, many won't even date a non-Christian because of this. Many Christians make the compromise when it comes to who they get involved with, though. Will your girlfriend? I don't know. Does she ideally want you to convert? Almost certainly yes.

To be clear, though.... if she says she loves you, she does. Of course she does. And likely, all of this is tearing her up inside, because she's being pulled in two directions.

From what I have seen in read some Christians believe that when they fall in love with a non-Christian it means God has put them on this earth to convert that person.

In the most basic terms: She is going to try and change you.

It doesn't sound like she has been overly pushy with her religion with you but I fear that as you get more serious this will become a major problem. If I were I would get out now and just say, "You want one thing and I want another. We have had a great time but I think we should part ways now so we can both find that perfect person."

I believe she is hoping you'll eventually change, that somehow God will find you. Same as mistresses believe the men will leave their wives. Same as women believe men who don't want a commitment, but just a bit of fun will change their minds. etc. It sounds exactly like one of those "He will realise he loves me one day" cases, but change the "me" to "God". My friend is the same, I love her to bits but she frustrates me when she says the reason she deep down does not see a future with her boyfriend is because he doesn't believe in God "yet". My beliefs actually go against marrying someone in the presence of a higher power, and that a promise should be to my partner, not to God. However, if I met the right person there would be room for compromise, it isn't my be all and end all that they share the same religion as me... it's not what should matter. I don't think the message has sunk in with her because she hopes you will change your mind. What she isn't realising is you can't force yourself to believe in something.

I hate to say it but she's stated what she wants but she also believes that you will get to a place that she wants. It's extremely naive and annoying. However, that's very likely not to happen. You have to lay it to her straight. 'I'm not going to love 'God' more than you, I'm not a Christian, won't ever be and no amount of praying will make me so. If you can take me as I am, like that than I will be happy. Don't take me for the man you think I can be. Take me with all this in mind, never blame me for what I'm not.' Be truthful and what she thinks is her fault.

Or something like that. Never be with someone who wants to change you. Love is acceptance.

You don’t have to study failed marriages for very long to find out that incompatibility has taken a disproportionate share. This in itself does not mean failure is guaranteed. We are anonymous, and you and her are unique. She may see something we cannot.

It could be your belief in the invisible. (Love, thoughts, feelings, emotions, paranormal, space-time dimensions etc.) Many profess their beliefs in the invisible but scoff at the idea there could be book that describes it.

The bible is two books. The first is only a promise of a coming description of the indivisible. The second book describes the invisible. By reading it you may understand her better.

Just tell her, "I don't love god; we're just good friends."

She is going to pray to God to change you most likely. But she wants you to change.

You should take initiative and end it.

AMEN!!! Well said Lavendar!!

She is expecting you to change. Simple as that. And if you have no intention of ever changing, make that VERY clear to her. Personally I would consider that a fundamental incompatibility; she wants someone that you are not.

Hmm... it doesn't sound as though she's got a God who will grant her the serenity to accept the things she cannot change, courage to change the things she can, and the wisdom to know the difference, does it?

This is such a monumental incompatibility that there really can't be any compromise if you want to get married. She is assuming you will become the person she wants you to be, not the person you actually are, which is completely unrealistic - dangerous even. It would also be unrealistic to work on the basis that this issue will go away.

If you are looking to start a relationship which will really be committed and long term, this girl is clearly not the one for you; and if that's what SHE'S after, you need to make that clear.