The shame and regret are unbearable

My depression is worse than it has ever been. I lie awake at night thinking about how my life is a ruin and a waste. The little hope I used to have is now completely gone. I am getting older, I am no better, all I have are regrets over the lost life and potential I once had.

The pain is unbearable. Never before have I thought so much of ending my life.

I'm sorry that you're feeling so down, so hopeless.

I'm a lot older than you but I truly understand the feeling of regret, and potential that was not fulfilled.

I have a shorter window of time to try to reinvent myself....to finally carve out a life that's living and not mere 'surviving'. You have more time than me, chronologically, but truthfully we are both still alive and when there is life, there is always hope. We can both still try to improve our lives.

The pain, I understand that too. I have been there. I know you can pull through this though, you're strong enough, look at all you've endured, thus far. Death doesn't bring 'relief'. It's an ending. You don't get 'peace'. (honestly we don't know what really happens, my own guess is nothing.....)

You can get peace if you hang on - you are young still, and you have the chance to build the kind of life you want. I admit I don't know you, and I don't know your backstory. But I do know every day of life we are blessed with, brings with it an opportunity to make things better. No it doesn't always work, but perhaps there is success in the effort.

PM me if you want to talk, I'm always checking in daily.

I really do wish you the very best. Please take care and realize you're not alone. (hug)

I understand the absolute feeling of sadness. I have dealt with this thruout my life. Now, due to situations compiled on so much I feel myself sinking. I have to tell myself to get up and get thru the days and I know I need to. My father committed suicide after being on medication that worked against him. Please do not give up. I dont know you but I wish I could hug you right now. Again,just please take things a day at a time. *hugs*. I feel like this forum is almost a family and as a family we all care because we are all going thru something.

I read this and the replies, and I just started getting teary-eyed.

John, I do not know what you have gone through, or what you are dealing with. Just know that, like 'mines' said, it's never too late to reinvent yourself and to become the person you have always wanted to be. The person you were meant to be. Don't regret what you have done because they make you who you are. You are in a bad place now, but this is part of the path that you must walk to become the person you are meant to be. You are much stronger than you give yourself credit for. There is always hope. Just know that, once you have fallen so far down, there is only one way, and thats up. It can only get better from here on out.

I didn't mean to preach at all. I also just want to give you a big hug and let you know that everything is going to be ok...I am getting teary-eyed again. Please just keep fighting that feeling of hopelessness, because it is never ever to late to change things. Look inwards and find that strength. It's there.

Remember that there are people out there who love you. Even I can say, from one human being to another, from one soul to another, that I feel your pain, and that I love you for being you.

Thanks to everyone for their kind words.

I'm trying to find some kind of hope. It's a painful struggle. I don't have even the faint hope about my prospects that I once had. I don't know how much longer I can bear it.

John, where there is life there is hope.

I beat myself up for a long time the same way you are now. It took a very good friend to point out that while my life hadn't gone the way I'd planned or hoped that it would, I still had a lot to be thankful for and so much ahead of me that I could accomplish. He was quite right.

Sometimes the path we try to take isn't the one we're meant to be on. You still have potential. That's something within you and I don't think it's something people can really lose. An opportunity, yes, but where one door closes, another opens. You just have to keep trying doors until you find one unlocked. If it doesn't open easily, kick it open.

Hang in there John, don't give up.

You cannot say that you no longer have the potential you once had. I know you are at a really low point now, and that you might have a hard time feeling that inner strength, but it's there. You can never lose your potential. I totally agree with iamkaylee. That is something people cannot lose. They can lose the courage to go for opportunities (and even that is only temporary until they get back on their feet). Just look around. I know you are feeling down, and that it's tough to jump into something new. However, if you do come accross an opportunity - as much as you don't want to - just go for it. It will make you feel a lot better about yourself. You have those talents John. Always will. Use them!

I'll tell you something that might inspire you a bit. My dad announced in July of this year that he wanted to get divorced after 26 years of marriage. He wanted to date other people to put it in short terms. Of course it really affected myself, and my 3 younger siblings (all of us are living in different countries), but it was hardest on my mom. Her world crumbled around her. She just couldnt seem to shake the depression. However, she decided that enough was enough and despite the sadness, the loneliness, and the confusion, she set goals for herself. She wanted to get a job after 26 years of not working, she wanted to join some activity groups, and some other smaller things. The last month or so she accomplished all of that and eventhough she is still lonely and unbelievably sad, morning the loss of her marriage, she has come out of it stronger than ever. I talk to her everyday and I know how depressed she was/is, but she's doing it and getting stronger and feeling better day by day.

I know it might not be the exact same story for you, but you can reinvent yourself. It is never too late, because you have the skills and the talents in you to get it done. To find whatever, or whomever, you desire in life. Start slow, but keep moving John. Have faith in yourself. Don't give up.