10years and he doesn't know if he wants to marry me or have kids any longer :(

Hi,

I'm really desperate and have no one else to turn to. My BF (30) and I (27) have been together for 10years with a break of 1.5years in between and we got back together two years ago. At first when I asked about moving back together he said no, then one day after signing the contract for an appartement for me, he asked me to move in with him again. Still, when we got back together, I felt so very much in love with him, knowing he is the one and I asked him if he wanted to marry me. Not only did he say no, he did ridicule it and say that marriage is unnecessary and meant I only wanted to do it because friends of mine are starting to get married. I was deeply hurt because for me it is more about showing that I love him that much that I want to spend the rest of my life with him, especially after I had a bad childhood with my parents quarreling very often and having a dramatic divorce while I was a teenager, but still marriage is something important for me. Still though, we remained together and a year nothing happened between us, we had only sex once or twice and only later I found out that he was depressed, I tried my best to help him, but I still wouldn't reach through to him.

I felt quite uneasy, as he pushed me aside for a year and he also said no to marriage though this is something imporant for me, so I asked him again about a year ago if there is any way we may get married some day or how he would see our future. He then said, he sees no future with me, only to take it back a day later and he said that he sees no future in general because of him feeling depressed.

We had our ups and downs, both started therapy and it got a bit better, but then also the topic kids came up. He used to be interested in kids, even though he had a bad childhood with his parents neglecting him often, and so I thought we both felt sure that one day we would have kids. Though a few days ago, he also said that he isn't sure if he ever wants kids. For me, I wanted to leave but then again he said he loves me so much and wants to spend his life with me, after these two years after I asked him first he could even consider marrying someday, but about kids he is not sure. Also then, we talked a lot about our problems and if it makes sense at all and then he broke up with me. Next day he would tell me, he hoped that I would come and ask him to take me back as I also did things like that many years ago when I wasn't sure how our relationship is and I still feel this way, I still don't know what he expects this relationship to be.

I don't know what to do, it breaks my heart. I love him, I know he had his problems and I can understand why he pushed me aside for a whole year, but I'm afraid he will never know and will use the phrase "someday" to stall me and keep me by his side. It hurt me deeply when he said he doesn't see a future with me and him not knowing about children makes me very uneasy, I don't think I can count on him changing his mind later on, though he urges me to give him more time to think about, but I think, it is nothing that changes in a week.

I know him for nearly my whole life, he was there for me when my parents divorced and let me move in his appartement when I was still 19 because I couldn't take my parents any more, he is kind, he is gentle and I do love him from all my heart, but I don't know if love is enough. I'm very careful about my decision as we have a very long relationship and I don't want to destroy it for no cause, but I'm afraid that it is coming to an end Honestly I don't believe I will find another man again I will love, he was my first relationship and I only fell in love with one guy while we were seperated and I think this also makes me afraid to take the step if it might need to be taken...

You want to get married and have kids someday. He does not, to the point where he not only ridiculed marriage but belittled your opinion by telling you that you only want to get married because your friends were. You admit that you moved in with him to escape your home life, not becasuse you had a wonderful relationship. This guy is going to manipulate you and tell you just enough to stay but not give you his whole heart until you die if you are not careful. (he wants you to give him more time to think his mind is already made up. I bet when you leave he will say "oh yes, he wants kids....but someday.." I would honestly get counseling. You have become so warped in your thinking or because of your past that you feel you are only worth being with a man who doesn't want to be with you. Okay...he was your first relationship. Doesn't mean he's your last one.

I think you should free yourself from this involvement, if you hope to marry and have kids some day, because he's only going to keep you waiting around indefinitely, wasting your precious time where you could be meeting someone who does want to get married and have kids.

It is really difficult with him, because in general, he is a kind person, he does say stupid stuff about ridiculing marriage but then later on would take it back, even going to the point of crying and feeling so sorry for what he said. At least I don't think he does stall me on purpose, but he just doesn't want to be alone. So you think it makes not sense to wait? I feel so bad for throwing away a relationship that long where we both love each other, but differ on this matter so much..

@abitbroken: Sorry what do you mean by warped? English is not my mother tongue so I'm not sure what you mean by this expression.

A friend of mine has been in a long term relationship with someone who has had untreated depression for years and it's been really hard on her. Certain things that you mentioned (lack of intimacy, wavering indifference, mood swings) reminded me of him/her. If you choose to stay with him, it's very possible that you may never get the marriage/children that you hope for. I think you have to decide which is more important to you..

Lots of people can be nice and act kind towards people. This is not a reason to stay with someone. Any guy can be kind to you. But not every guy matches in his life goals to you. Do you ever think he cries to manipulate you? I mean, who would cry over something they said like that? I was with a crier. I would feel so bad for him. But then I stopped feeling bad. Eventually he found someone else. And I am glad it was not me. You should not be miserable and wait until you can't have children to find out that he really was just stringing you along. And would you really want to have children with a guy like this??? You would have him as a child too that can't handle life and cries when he thinks you will walk away from him.

Warped = twisted, misshapen, bent, debased, distorted.

I think you should leave him and find someone that has the same relationship and life goals as you.

Hej, you're right yeah..Our live goals used to match and it's a pity to see that this is not the way any longer I don't think he tries to manipulate me on purpose, it's just his way of not thinking things through and regretting them later. I don't want children right now, but in the near future. I'm really afraid of leaving and thinking it might be the biggest mistake to leave such a long relationship that was fine so long, that he will marry the next girlfriend he has and that I'm the selfish person that can't wait until he copes with his problems and knows what he wants

I think waiting for 10 years is long enough.

This man can't really commit to you, so of course he won't commit to children or to work towards being a good husband and father.

Sadly, he is who he is, and he seems to want to drift thru life with no concrete commitments or plans based on his whim of the moment. So the way he sees it, you are just along for the ride and must adapt to however he feels at the moment, making no real demands on him.

He's a little secret: It is OK to want to make plans, to expect to make plans, and to make and honor commitments. In fact, that is a GREAT thing and how people should live their lives. You're tiptoeing around him like therre is something wrong about your wanting/expecting marriage after 10 years, and the truth is it is NORMAL and in fact way past time for him to make that decision as to whether he wants to marry you and commit to you. But he's just not doing it, while you feel guilty and confused even asking for something that is a perfectly normal expectation in people who have been together as long as you have.

So what do you do? You look at his ACTIONS which are the clearest indicator of what is really going on inside him. He hasn't agreed to marry you in 10 years and is doing nothing to move this relationship forward into making you his wife and creating a family with you. Instead he ignores you a lot, rebuffs you a lot, doesn't relate in a normal way to you but instead constantly turns you into a beggar at his door. So it is what it is, and the way it is now IS the relationship and exactly how it will be forever. He's not interested in marrying and having children, because he is so self absorbed and doesn't feel any obligation to make plans with you because he doesn't want the responsibility/commitment of marriage and wants his options open to follow his whim of the moment.

So i think you sadly need to make the choice that it is normal to have goals and normal to want to marry and have kids, and he is just not interested in that and in fact makes you feel bad for wanting a normal life and commitment. You tried hard enough and MORE than long enough at this point, and it is time to get out there and find a man who does want to make a life commitment to you and has the same goals of children and marriage that you do. He just isn't interested in that, and is content with the loose arrangement that you have now, but you are not, and it is your responsiblity to bring happiness into your own life and don't expect him to suddenly mutate into someone different and grant it to you. He is who he is, and he's just not interested in your own goals.

Hej, you're right yeah..Our live goals used to match and it's a pity to see that this is not the way any longer I don't think he tries to manipulate me on purpose, it's just his way of not thinking things through and regretting them later. I don't want children right now, but in the near future. I'm really afraid of leaving and thinking it might be the biggest mistake to leave such a long relationship that was fine so long, that he will marry the next girlfriend he has and that I'm the selfish person that can't wait until he copes with his problems and knows what he wants

He might change, and marry the next girlfriend, but that doesn't mean he would have married you eventually. Don't stick around for that reason. You've waited long enough. He would have known by now.