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Thread: I need an outside perspective on this!

  1. #1

    I need an outside perspective on this!

    So, I've always been under the impression that in relationships, your ACTIONS show how you feel much more than your words. I've been involved with guys before who have always been there to praise me, tell me how wonderful I am, how much they care for me but would never be there for me, and would be unavailable.

    Two months ago I started seeing a guy who seems by his actions to be very solid. He's always there for me, willing to talk, hang out, cuddle, take me out places. When we are together I FEEL like we are in a good, solid relationship with two interested in individuals. I feel like he cares very deeply for me, and there is much room to grow. We're both musicians and we play music together. He supports me and encourages me, and motivates me. However, whenever I ask him how he feels about the relationship or if we can even call this a relationship he says that he feels unsure and that he's not sure if he wants to be in a relationship. He says that this feeling comes and goes, but it's always there. Once, after I feel like we had gotten very emotionally close, he called me up saying that he feels worried because he's not sure about what he feels about the relationship, and that he's worried about losing his independence.

    I said that we should take it slow and see how things go and that I'm not trying to pressure him into anything.

    So we continued at basically the same pace as before, which to be honest was probably kind of fast. I'm just a very all or nothing person and when I want to be with someone, it's very all-consuming for me. It's hard for me to slow down, and he seems to be the kind of person that will just let me take the lead, and then regret it later and tell me that he feels confused.

    I feel rather uncomfortable with him saying he's not sure about the relationship, yet acting like my boyfriend and caring for me like my boyfriend, but as soon as I bring up maybe making things official he panics?

    Is it just the label of the relationship? I severely enjoy my time together with him. I really enjoy his company, but what he's saying just doesnt match up with his actions.

    I know it's only been two months. Am I just trying to push this too quickly? Should I just continue with the path we are on now, and give him time? He seems very emotionally on and off about the whole thing. How could a person act so consistently yet be thinking something completely different?

    What say you?

  2. #2
    Gold Member Roxie84's Avatar
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    The most important thing here is the length of time you have been dating. If you have been seeing each other, sleeping together, and whatnot for a month or so, it may be a little soon. If this has been going on for a few months and you have been spending a reasonably healthy amount of time together, then he should know by now whether he wants a relationship.

    My fear, when I get involved with someone like this, is that he is "not that into" me and he is keeping his options open. "Losing independence" - when a guy tells me this, I tell him to grow up! Yes, in a relationship, "I" becomes "we" and "my" becomes "ours," however a relationship with someone you care for is meant to add something to your life, not take it away.

    If he wants to remain "independent" in the sense that he does everything alone, then perhaps he should not be dating.

    I wish I had something more positive to tell you. This man sounds like some of the men I have dating, which is why I feel like being a tad harsh with him regarding his actions.

    My best advice to you is to pick up the book "Why Men Love B*tches". It is very popular, yes, but don't discount the advice. It is not a bible, but it has given me a lot more strength in the dating world. It does not tell you to actually be a "btch", but to do things for yourself. Most importantly, is helps you to clearly determine whether a man is interested or just keeping you around for a short term period. The night I read it, it literally dictated to me all of the mistakes I have made while dating men. I got so upset with myself that I threw the book accross the room! But it was what I needed

  3. #3
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    Hmm he sounds very much like the guy I was last seeing. All was very good and then suddenly "I'm not ready for a relationship" or whatever bull**** 3 months down the line. I once asked if we were girlfriend and boyfriend, and he said "Let's wait until next week when you get back from holiday" .. well I got back from holiday and he dumped me. So there you go. This will only end in your tears. Walk away before he does.


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