.................................................. ..............Random Samanta

Today I went to therapy and it was painful to open myself and break into tears admitting how depressed i am.

I wonder what my therapist thinks about me. She may think i'm old because she calls me Ma'am and sometimes it sounds like madam, and it makes me feel old but whatever, maybe in your 30's it is normal to be called Ma'am.

She asked me to come up with a list of things I enjoy, but I can't think about anything. I enjoy eating but i want to lose weight. I enjoy getting high but I hate to depend on drugs to feel better. I enjoy going to sleep really late at night, but she wants me to fix this. I enjoy staying in my room watching movies all day, but she wants to get me out of the house more.

On the other hand, i struggle so much getting up every morning. Specially when the alarm clock wakes me up. I also sometimes feel like I don't have even the strength to do the simplest things, like prepare my meals, clean my place, or walk my dog.

Even typing this feels like so much.... So i constantly think how life would be easier (actually not as hard and painful) if i was dead. Because easy is not what i wish for, i just wish the simple things weren't so hard for me.

I know that feeling. It can get better if you really work for it. My doctor told me I had to have antidepressants to function again, and she was so right. It may take awhile to find what works for you.

Hi Miss firecracker,

I'm glad antidepresents are working for you, I've also been on meds for a long time and everything I've tried works great for a month and then it stops working and the depression gets back on. That's why my doctors suggested therapy.

Thanks for your support

That's tough. I hope therapy is what will get you through. Just keep fighting hard!

I could do so many things or I could do absolutely nothing.

My therapist asked me to make it a goal to wake up between noon and 1 pm. So today I set the alarm clock at 12:57pm. I got up, forgot to take my ovulation test and jumped in the showerd right away.

Then I came back to bed and my girlfriend checked my blood sugar.

So list of things I can do today:

1- return shoes

2- return clothes

3- shopping for new furniture

4- meditate

5- go to the gym

And the thing is that the fact alone that I already woke up and showered is a goal i accomplished, but it does not make me feel good when I look at this list. And at the same time I wonder if I overwhelm myself with these lists. It's like I can do it all or nothing. And today feels like a day I could do a lot. But maybe I should celebrate the small steps before getting myself too exhausted.

I. Don't. Know.

Taking a shower is the hardest part for me. After that, things are easier.

Maybe your list is a little too much for today.

I hate this "wake up earlier" goal. Why do I want to wake up earlier? The day goes so slow when you are up at 11am, and I don't do absolutely nothing, so what am I going to do up at that time? And I know, eventually, my therapist would want me up at least at 8am, but I don't think I will want to do that. I think waking up so early would depress me even more.

I hate my life so much, and this is my journal and I want to be able to write here exactly how I feel.

I think my life is pathetic. I'm the loneliest person you will ever meet. I'm shy, anxious, boring and fat.

I wish I could turn the time back and be in my 20's again; finish college, stay active, make smarter choices, open more myself, become friends with all those people I was going to college with, have a job; omaybe not. Because I hate all the jobs I've had. I hate working. I hate how anxious I feel when I'm around people.

Yesterday, I did go with my girlfriend and returned some of the things we had to, but other than that, I didn't do much. My food choices were not unhealthy, but I have such a hard time eating just small or normal portions, and unless I do something about it, I will never lose weight.

Maybe today I will go to the gym. Maybe!

Gordita,

I am 5'2" and about two years ago I hit 145 lbs. It is the most I've weighed in my life, and it was 100% due to depression. Once last week I weighed 123.5. My sister is going through the weight thing now too, and I am trying to cheer her on to lose it. She's doing better now too. You do not have to kill yourself in the gym every day to lose weight. I used to think I did, but you can only burn off so many calories a day with exercise. It's good to do that, but I finally learned that most of this is what I put in my mouth.

I was put on a high fiber thing by a doctor a couple months ago, and that has helped me lose more. I eat 1/2 cup of original Fiber One in the morning and 1 tablespoon of Citrucel in water. Then I do that again at night. And I drink a lot of water. This fiber makes you feel so full that you will not need nearly as much food. You could give that a try, but if you do, be sure to drink a lot of water during the day. Could be a gastric disaster if you don't.

Another thing I have found is I can keep these 50 calorie snacks in the freezer to curb chocolate cravings. That is my big weakness. These are called Mini Vita Cakes. Walmart has them in the freezer section by the frozen waffles.

Here are the Vita Cakes. The only gripe I have is some of them get shorted on chocolate chips. I hate it when that happens. But then there are some with a lot. They need a better chip counter.

link removed

Thank you so much for all the tips and advices, Miss firecracker and congratulations on your weight loss!!

I will give your diet a try. I have a feeling I will love the vita cakes

I'm 5'5" but I have about 100 pounds to lose. I was 160 pounds in 2005 and when I went to college at that time, I didn't know any other way to deal with my anxiety and depression other than eating/ binging and that's how I quickly gained so much weight.

I thought I could lose the weight fast, so as i was gaining the weight, I didn't worry much. Then, I realized it was not that easy to lose 10 pounds or 20, and I started to get more and more depress and as result i gained more weight, and it all became a circle I couldn't scape.

Thank you!

Best wishes to you. If you ever need a cheerleader, I am usually around here at least a couple of times a day. I noticed you do have a friend. Good to know you are not alone.

Thanks hon, YOUR support means more THAN you can imagine. Have a great day/ evening

Yesterday was not a great not a bad day. I struggled a lot getting out of the room and then felt no energy whatsoever.

I was watching tv all day, or at least trying because my mind kept wondering around.

I'm sure the foods we eat have a lot to do with how we feel. We made frozen lasagne and after that I felt so low in energy and the food cravings were too much, but somehow I fought it.

I don't know what today will bring, but I will try to at least have a healthy eating day.

Yesterday was not a great not a bad day. I struggled a lot getting out of the room and then felt no energy whatsoever.

 

I was watching tv all day, or at least trying because my mind kept wondering around.

 

I'm sure the foods we eat have a lot to do with how we feel. We made frozen lasagne and after that I felt so low in energy and the food cravings were too much, but somehow I fought it.

 

I don't know what today will bring, but I will try to at least have a healthy eating day.

The food that makes me feel best is grilled salmon on rice, broccoli and okra. Yes, fried okra, lol! I get this meal at Captain D's. I have it about twice each week because of the energy and sense of calm I get from it. You may not like to eat their food, but I thought I would mention that combo in case you want to try it sometime. Lasagne always makes me feel terrible too.

I get this meal at Captain D's. I have it about twice each week because of the energy and sense of calm I get from it. .

Sounds delicious, I just check their site and unfortunately they don't have one in my town, but Im sure I can find another place where I can eat this. I used to love eating salmon, brown rice and any kind of vegetables, so I'm gonna add it back to my food menu. thanks for the suggestion.

Sounds delicious, I just check their site and unfortunately they don't have one in my town, but Im sure I can find another place where I can eat this. I used to love eating salmon, brown rice and any kind of vegetables, so I'm gonna add it back to my food menu. thanks for the suggestion.

Yes, this is something you can get to cook at home or at most restaurants now too.

I got tired of running to the gym all the time, just started working out on a bike in my office and using an Ab Coaster some too. I have had this Horizon brand bike for years now, and it is still good. I hate the crowded scene at the gym here and would cringe every time this one man would walk up to me. I knew he would disrupt my workout with political rants. Lol

Im so scare to start treating /talking about my depression in therapy. Im afraid is going to hurt a lot to dig inside and look back at what my life has been and what my life is... Im the type of person who doesnt think much but if they make me look into my life and talk about what it has been, I know Im gonna find out a lot of negative, scary, hopeless thoughts. And honestly, I don't see the need for that.

I went to seek therapy for my eating disorder, and that was giving me motivation to do better; hence, i had been feeling a bit better. But now that we are going to focus on the depression I am very sad and feel defeated. I can choose if I want to eat egg whites and a toast for breakfast, or if i want to eat a greasy egg, cheese and bacon burrito. those things i can choose. they are somehow more under my control. but i cannot choose to feel happy in a day i feel unmotivated, hopeless and sad. i just dont have much to do there, so why take from me the one thing that was giving me motivation to change myself? why dig out all the skeletons from my closet? why my therapist feel is more important to deal with the depression first than with my weight goals?

I have been going to therapy for 2 months, and the first one was pretty much assessment tests, so I dont feel we have gone that deep into anything here. But like i told my therapist, she is the expert, so im gonna let her guide me.

My son has been through all that, and he quit for awhile and just took his meds. But recently he has been having a hard time with the anxiety, so Wednesday he is going back. The things he has told his therapist are amazing. I know it has taken all he has to open up, and I admire him for that. I think you can do this too.

I guess your therapist figures you can't really conquer the weight battle without getting to the root of it first.

if i lived on a first floor it would not be so hard to get out of the house. living on a 4th floor makes my depression worse and makes me not want to leave the house at all.

i wish my girlfriend would make "going to the gym" her first priority of the day too, then we both would go when we wake up first thing in the morning right after breakfast.

I have to go to the gym alone, or else, my girlfriend'S lack of motivation will eventually pull me back and as result i will end up not going anymore.

if my therapist focused more on all the practical things i could be doing to lose weight, like going to the gym every day for 30 minutes, i will make it my goal to actually exercise because i would have to be accountable about it.

if i dont go to the gym first thing in the morning, then there is no point to go at all because i already started the day bad.

(Gosh, i cant believe all the excuses and thoughts i can come up with just to not do something. enough blaming the stairs, my girlfriend, the routine, the therapist, the time of the day, etc. from now on i will make this a habit by repeatedly doing the same thing over and over until it feels natural and part of my daily routine. I will wake up, eat something that gives me energy and hit the gym right away; with or without my girlfriend.)

30 DAYS TO GO...

I woke up at 9:30AM today, that's a first in a looong time.

I woke up at 9:30AM today, that's a first in a looong time.

Good job! You beat me by 30 minutes.

My son has been through all that, and he quit for awhile and just took his meds. But recently he has been having a hard time with the anxiety, so Wednesday he is going back. The things he has told his therapist are amazing. I know it has taken all he has to open up, and I admire him for that. I think you can do this too.

 

I guess your therapist figures you can't really conquer the weight battle without getting to the root of it first.

I'm sorry about his anxiety, but at least he is trying to reach out for help and what is even better is that he has your support and respect. And yes I know you are right, sometimes we have to get to the root of the problem to be able to find practical solutions. Thanks for always being so supportive

29 DAYS TO GO (exercise challenge)

I had couple's therapy today and though I had promised myself not to lose it, I feel like I overreacted a few times when my partner said something I didn't totally agree on.

Also, At first I felt my therapist wanted to do this with my partner to tell her how she should be more supportive of me, but it ended up being more about how Samantha should learn to deal with it and not depend so much in her partner.

So I don't know... I'm just not thrilled about the outcome....

Good job! You beat me by 30 minutes.

Yes!!!!!!