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Thread: My girlfriend lied to my face about smoking, on more than one occassion!!

  1. #1
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    My girlfriend lied to my face about smoking, on more than one occassion!!

    New here so give me a chance

    So the last few weeks have been really bad for me, i've been with my girlfriend for just on two years i am 22 she is 20, before we was together she occasionally smoked whenever on a night out with friends etc but before we got together i stated that i will never be with a smoker and she agreed to stop as it wouldn't really be a big thing considering she only smoked now and again. Fast forward two years... two weeks ago now we was out with friends and sitting quite close at a table but not facing each other when another friend of hers asked her 'have you got another ciggie i could lend', now at this point i new what id heard so i let it slide a few hours till we was on are own so i could ask her privately about it. I asked her if she is smoking and she said no that she hasn't for along time, i kept at it and she really became defensive about it snapping at me, but i was so certain what i heard that i said 'so if i find ciggies on you we are over for good okay?' she agreed, so when i drove home i seen her mess around with her spare shoes that were in the car and as she got out i checked in one of the shoes and found a pack of cigarettes, straight away she was apologizing but i told her to go home after a small argument where she somehow tried to defend herself!

    the problem is that its not the cigarettes that is bothering me the most, that could be worked on, but she lied to my face even after i threatened to end a two year relationship over smoking (petty i know), anyway we got to talking the next day and she said she had only smoked for about 3 weeks because she was really stressed out because of work etc and asked for me to forgive her so many times, so i let it slide and said don't smoke again or we are done and she agreed, although i still wasn't completely past her lies to my face. Fast forward to 4 days ago, i dropped her at work in the morning but she forgot her mobile in my house, i was picking her up after work also so it wasn't she wasn't too bothered about it. When i got home, obviously being a man i couldn't help myself but to check her texts to see if anything comes up about smoking, well, it did! I found out that the day after we had a the argument and she promised to stop, her dad asked if she wanted him to get her a packet or two from the shop, she said yes she needs them, on other texts to her friends i found out that she has been smoking for A LOT longer than 3 weeks, its more like 5 months, boy she hid that well! So i was really pissed about the whole situation even though i new i should not be reading through her texts as that is her business not mine. Later that day when i picked her up from work i told her straight that i had looked through her phone and if she lies now we are over for good, i asked her how long she'd been smoking for and she just would not answer an was replying with i don't know or i cant remember! When i asked her when was the last time she had a cigarette she also said she cant remember although she new she had been caught out and that it wasn't that day i found them in her shoes, so in the 2 weeks of all this she has easily lied between 5 and 10 times about the smoking and how long which again is the main factor in this story. So we had a major argument about her lies to my face an that shes not to be trusted after risking a two year relationship over smoking and then lien about it!

    So now the situation is that we have not spoken for 3 days at all really but shes giving me space, but i really don't know whether i should take her back this time or not, i can't stand being lied to that's the worst thing in the world, especially to your face! The way i see it is that when people lie about small things sooner or later it will become an even bigger lie and so on and so forth, so there isn't really any trust from my side but i don't know whether i am being to harsh on her as it is only smoking, but it is the lies that kills me and don't know if i could completely trust her again.

    Any thoughts on what i should do would be very helpful in anyway

    Thanks!

  2. #2
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    If you don't want to be with a smoker, then break up with her. Otherwise, quit riding her and snooping through her stuff and going on about how much she's lied to you. Yes, lying is wrong, but we're talking about smoking here, not infidelity or heroin usage.

    If you decide you want to stay with her, then back off the whole smoking thing.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    ^ I agree.

    And while I'm not defending her actions, which were poor, you need to realize you are dealing with an addiction here. The whole scenario is super common. There is a whole idea of "closet smokers"....people who smoke but hide it from family, friends, co workers, even spouses. It's very, very common for people to lie in order to smoke.

    It's not as simple as "ok honey, I love you, I'll stop smoking!". Quitting for good is difficult. You have to really want it. For yourself. Trying to do it for a bf, or someone else, though it may seem like a nice thought that people quit for that reason, it never is enough and it isn't why people quit.

    I'm just trying to get through to you that this isn't personal. It's about the same as a drunk telling you they won't drink. You wouldn't expect honesty about their usage from a drunk, right? Well same thing goes for smokers!

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    As a smoker - and then a non-smoker - and then a smoker again... let me tell you something. For 99% of people - once a smoker, always a smoker. I know people who have quit for 10, 15, 20 years and they still tell me that they occasionally crave a smoke.

    I think she is lying to you because you are leaving her no other choice. If she cracks, and she's honest with you, you will leave her. So she lies... but then you get mad at the lies and want to leave her anyways.

    If she's going to quit - she has to quit for herself... and even then, who knows? 5, 10, 15 years later she may crack again. It happens.

    If you don't want to date a smoker, don't date a smoker. Otherwise, you can allow her to be open with you and to be understanding and supportive of the occasional relapse and her attempts to quit again. But... to say that she can't slip and she can't lie OR tell the truth is unrealistic. Your expectations are too high.

    I think you should re-think what it is you want. A relationship with a non (never)-smoker? Or a relationship with someone who used to smoke and can be honest with you if/when she relapses. Because your current approach won't work.

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    I think you are all right in saying i don't give her much choice about lieng about smoking, but i smoked for 2 years and quit pretty easily and never crave a smoke, i guess i thought just because she smokes when drunk it wouldn't be too hard for her to quit for good

    I do want to be with her and we could talk about the smoking etc but its just the lies that get to me? Did she really have to tell them lies, there had been times in the past (around a year ago) when she had been out with friends for a night out and came home and told me about having one or two that night, it wouldn't get to me at all because i know at the start it was between 5 - 10 a night, but i would always prefer her to tell me i have told her this..

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    Would you really have been ok with it? If it wasn't a big deal - why did you wait to confront her in private and not in front of her friends?

    Personally, if my bf waited to say something (and maybe scoweled when he heard it?) - I'd think I was in trouble... wouldn't you? Did you ask her in a casual and lighthearted way?

    PS: I'm not excusing her lies. They are still lies and they are wrong. She should have had the kajones just to tell you the truth... but... I'm just saying. I'm not really buying that you were really ok with it if you also told her you'd break up with her over it. (Even if you also told her that you would be ok with it). I'm hearing some mixed messages...
    Last edited by RedDress; 09-11-2012 at 10:28 PM.

  8. #7
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    I'm a reformed smoker myself and I've been in her shoes. Like RedDress said, unless you've truly been addicted to smoking you won't ever know what it's like to struggle with it. Lying about it isn't ok, but at the end of the day focusing on the lying aspect is really just trying to make her addiction about you, and really it has nothing to do with you.

    You're not her parent. Don't chastise her choices about smoking. Decide for yourself whether you can handle it and act accordingly. And I'm willing to bet if you don't ride her about relapsing, she won't feel the need to lie to you about it.

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    Well i have been in the past when shes had the odd few, the part which i should of said when i confronted her alone after i heard her friend say that is i said 'tell me now if you have been smoking, if you lie to my face then we are over' but she still did, but i guess after she had said no once she wasn't going to go back on her lie plus the fact as you have said she didn't have a lot of choices with my reaction.

    I didn't confront her because it was a public place basically and i don't to cause a scene haha, she did also say that as soon as her friend asked her for a cigarette that she new she was in trouble.

    I know i don't really have the right to say whether she smokes or not but before we got together (she asked me) i said instantly that i don't want to be with a smoker so no and her reply was that she only smokes when having a drink with friends and that she can easily quit, or else i wouldn't of got serious with her and wouldn't be so fussed about her smoking when she does.

    So basically it seems I've over reacted in something that may or may not stop and the lies (although never a good thing) were more or less forced upon her by myself because the reaction she gets over the smoking?

    This is all helping by the way

  10. #9
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    Originally Posted by 01jonesa
    but before we got together (she asked me) i said instantly that i don't want to be with a smoker so no and her reply was that she only smokes when having a drink with friends and that she can easily quit
    Yeah... when I first got together with my ex, I told him that I thought he had too much going on in his life to properly commit to a relationship. He told me he didn't and he was really good at "compartmentalizing". A year later, we broke up because he had too much going on in his life to properly commit to a relationship. He wasn't good at "compartmentalizing" at all. (lol!) So... I feel you.

    People say all sorts of things - with genuine hope and no ill-intent - that simply aren't the way they intend them to be. It's hard! Because you want to give them the benefit of doubt...

    All I can say is that you (and I) knew about it going in... so... yanno... maybe we could have made different choices.

    Glad it's helping.

  11. #10
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    If she wants to smoke cigarettes... thats her choice. why are you trying to control her? do you love her or do you love your cigarette free zone in life?

    why dont you try a whole new angle and say "you know how I feel about smoking, but I love you, its your choice"

    ...you might be surprised with the outcome - and you will definitely be a bigger man by using that approach.

    Personally I think she should dump you for being such a controlling bf and telling her what she can and cant do. Good luck!!

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