My girlfriend lied to my face about smoking, on more than one occassion!!

New here so give me a chance

So the last few weeks have been really bad for me, i've been with my girlfriend for just on two years i am 22 she is 20, before we was together she occasionally smoked whenever on a night out with friends etc but before we got together i stated that i will never be with a smoker and she agreed to stop as it wouldn't really be a big thing considering she only smoked now and again. Fast forward two years... two weeks ago now we was out with friends and sitting quite close at a table but not facing each other when another friend of hers asked her 'have you got another ciggie i could lend', now at this point i new what id heard so i let it slide a few hours till we was on are own so i could ask her privately about it. I asked her if she is smoking and she said no that she hasn't for along time, i kept at it and she really became defensive about it snapping at me, but i was so certain what i heard that i said 'so if i find ciggies on you we are over for good okay?' she agreed, so when i drove home i seen her mess around with her spare shoes that were in the car and as she got out i checked in one of the shoes and found a pack of cigarettes, straight away she was apologizing but i told her to go home after a small argument where she somehow tried to defend herself!

the problem is that its not the cigarettes that is bothering me the most, that could be worked on, but she lied to my face even after i threatened to end a two year relationship over smoking (petty i know), anyway we got to talking the next day and she said she had only smoked for about 3 weeks because she was really stressed out because of work etc and asked for me to forgive her so many times, so i let it slide and said don't smoke again or we are done and she agreed, although i still wasn't completely past her lies to my face. Fast forward to 4 days ago, i dropped her at work in the morning but she forgot her mobile in my house, i was picking her up after work also so it wasn't she wasn't too bothered about it. When i got home, obviously being a man i couldn't help myself but to check her texts to see if anything comes up about smoking, well, it did! I found out that the day after we had a the argument and she promised to stop, her dad asked if she wanted him to get her a packet or two from the shop, she said yes she needs them, on other texts to her friends i found out that she has been smoking for A LOT longer than 3 weeks, its more like 5 months, boy she hid that well! So i was really pissed about the whole situation even though i new i should not be reading through her texts as that is her business not mine. Later that day when i picked her up from work i told her straight that i had looked through her phone and if she lies now we are over for good, i asked her how long she'd been smoking for and she just would not answer an was replying with i don't know or i cant remember! When i asked her when was the last time she had a cigarette she also said she cant remember although she new she had been caught out and that it wasn't that day i found them in her shoes, so in the 2 weeks of all this she has easily lied between 5 and 10 times about the smoking and how long which again is the main factor in this story. So we had a major argument about her lies to my face an that shes not to be trusted after risking a two year relationship over smoking and then lien about it!

So now the situation is that we have not spoken for 3 days at all really but shes giving me space, but i really don't know whether i should take her back this time or not, i can't stand being lied to that's the worst thing in the world, especially to your face! The way i see it is that when people lie about small things sooner or later it will become an even bigger lie and so on and so forth, so there isn't really any trust from my side but i don't know whether i am being to harsh on her as it is only smoking, but it is the lies that kills me and don't know if i could completely trust her again.

Any thoughts on what i should do would be very helpful in anyway

Thanks!

If you don't want to be with a smoker, then break up with her. Otherwise, quit riding her and snooping through her stuff and going on about how much she's lied to you. Yes, lying is wrong, but we're talking about smoking here, not infidelity or heroin usage.

If you decide you want to stay with her, then back off the whole smoking thing.

^ I agree.

And while I'm not defending her actions, which were poor, you need to realize you are dealing with an addiction here. The whole scenario is super common. There is a whole idea of "closet smokers"....people who smoke but hide it from family, friends, co workers, even spouses. It's very, very common for people to lie in order to smoke.

It's not as simple as "ok honey, I love you, I'll stop smoking!". Quitting for good is difficult. You have to really want it. For yourself. Trying to do it for a bf, or someone else, though it may seem like a nice thought that people quit for that reason, it never is enough and it isn't why people quit.

I'm just trying to get through to you that this isn't personal. It's about the same as a drunk telling you they won't drink. You wouldn't expect honesty about their usage from a drunk, right? Well same thing goes for smokers!

As a smoker - and then a non-smoker - and then a smoker again... let me tell you something. For 99% of people - once a smoker, always a smoker. I know people who have quit for 10, 15, 20 years and they still tell me that they occasionally crave a smoke.

I think she is lying to you because you are leaving her no other choice. If she cracks, and she's honest with you, you will leave her. So she lies... but then you get mad at the lies and want to leave her anyways.

If she's going to quit - she has to quit for herself... and even then, who knows? 5, 10, 15 years later she may crack again. It happens.

If you don't want to date a smoker, don't date a smoker. Otherwise, you can allow her to be open with you and to be understanding and supportive of the occasional relapse and her attempts to quit again. But... to say that she can't slip and she can't lie OR tell the truth is unrealistic. Your expectations are too high.

I think you should re-think what it is you want. A relationship with a non (never)-smoker? Or a relationship with someone who used to smoke and can be honest with you if/when she relapses. Because your current approach won't work.

I think you are all right in saying i don't give her much choice about lieng about smoking, but i smoked for 2 years and quit pretty easily and never crave a smoke, i guess i thought just because she smokes when drunk it wouldn't be too hard for her to quit for good

I do want to be with her and we could talk about the smoking etc but its just the lies that get to me? Did she really have to tell them lies, there had been times in the past (around a year ago) when she had been out with friends for a night out and came home and told me about having one or two that night, it wouldn't get to me at all because i know at the start it was between 5 - 10 a night, but i would always prefer her to tell me i have told her this..

Would you really have been ok with it? If it wasn't a big deal - why did you wait to confront her in private and not in front of her friends?

Personally, if my bf waited to say something (and maybe scoweled when he heard it?) - I'd think I was in trouble... wouldn't you? Did you ask her in a casual and lighthearted way?

PS: I'm not excusing her lies. They are still lies and they are wrong. She should have had the kajones just to tell you the truth... but... I'm just saying. I'm not really buying that you were really ok with it if you also told her you'd break up with her over it. (Even if you also told her that you would be ok with it). I'm hearing some mixed messages...

I'm a reformed smoker myself and I've been in her shoes. Like RedDress said, unless you've truly been addicted to smoking you won't ever know what it's like to struggle with it. Lying about it isn't ok, but at the end of the day focusing on the lying aspect is really just trying to make her addiction about you, and really it has nothing to do with you.

You're not her parent. Don't chastise her choices about smoking. Decide for yourself whether you can handle it and act accordingly. And I'm willing to bet if you don't ride her about relapsing, she won't feel the need to lie to you about it.

Well i have been in the past when shes had the odd few, the part which i should of said when i confronted her alone after i heard her friend say that is i said 'tell me now if you have been smoking, if you lie to my face then we are over' but she still did, but i guess after she had said no once she wasn't going to go back on her lie plus the fact as you have said she didn't have a lot of choices with my reaction.

I didn't confront her because it was a public place basically and i don't to cause a scene haha, she did also say that as soon as her friend asked her for a cigarette that she new she was in trouble.

I know i don't really have the right to say whether she smokes or not but before we got together (she asked me) i said instantly that i don't want to be with a smoker so no and her reply was that she only smokes when having a drink with friends and that she can easily quit, or else i wouldn't of got serious with her and wouldn't be so fussed about her smoking when she does.

So basically it seems I've over reacted in something that may or may not stop and the lies (although never a good thing) were more or less forced upon her by myself because the reaction she gets over the smoking?

This is all helping by the way

but before we got together (she asked me) i said instantly that i don't want to be with a smoker so no and her reply was that she only smokes when having a drink with friends and that she can easily quit

Yeah... when I first got together with my ex, I told him that I thought he had too much going on in his life to properly commit to a relationship. He told me he didn't and he was really good at "compartmentalizing". A year later, we broke up because he had too much going on in his life to properly commit to a relationship. He wasn't good at "compartmentalizing" at all. (lol!) So... I feel you.

People say all sorts of things - with genuine hope and no ill-intent - that simply aren't the way they intend them to be. It's hard! Because you want to give them the benefit of doubt...

All I can say is that you (and I) knew about it going in... so... yanno... maybe we could have made different choices.

Glad it's helping.

If she wants to smoke cigarettes... thats her choice. why are you trying to control her? do you love her or do you love your cigarette free zone in life?

why dont you try a whole new angle and say "you know how I feel about smoking, but I love you, its your choice"

...you might be surprised with the outcome - and you will definitely be a bigger man by using that approach.

Personally I think she should dump you for being such a controlling bf and telling her what she can and cant do. Good luck!!

OP, you seem very controlling. You keep on threatening her in order to make her comply with what you want. If you truly don't want to be with a smoker, then just break up with her, because right now it's obvious at this point that she doesn't want to quit smoking for herself. And quitting for you just won't work out.

I gave her the choice to be with me and not smoke or not get serious at all and smoke like a chimney for all i cared and she chose the first option, it wasn't that i was trying to control her at all as you said.... it's her life she can make her own decisions but there would never be a future for me and her if she smoked and she knew this.

Today her dad called me to see how everything was, and i found out she has been casually smoking for around the entire relationship which i didn't have any clue about so i'ts just another lie to my face! My decision is made now and I'm walking away.

Thanks for the help still, helped me think of it from her side of the argument

Yes, you should end this.

I have been married to a Skoal Man for 30 years. He has quit several times, but when he gets stressed, he always goes back. Now he dips almost constantly and hasn't been to the dentist since 2008. I am seriously wondering if he has a mouth cancer. I love him, but I will not kiss him with open mouth, and I explained why. He doesn't even want me to because he knows it would be dangerous to me. There is nothing nastier than nicotine addiction.

The longer time goes by now and with reading these comments it makes me feel like i have made a mistake over something pretty small, also the situation i put her in.

Its been a week today since we last spoke and I literally don't know what to do now, totally stuck in two minds because i loved her and never thought it could end over something so small or petty on both halfs. Stuck!

Don't say you never thought it could end over something so petty and small--you're the one who ended it because of that petty and small reason!

You made a decision and now aren't happy with the consequences of it. But that's what decision making is all about. You always stand to lose something when you must make a choice.

I know i just didn't think she would lie to me about smoking i guess that's the thing i can't believe.

I'm not sure if its the right or wrong decision, its just hard to move on after two years being with the same person to never speaking to them at all, very hard!

I most deft agree with what most have already responded with....it 100% sounds as if she felt no other choice but to lie....as a smoker myself...that has fryer many times to stop...(and still trying) loo its not at all easy...I think u left her in fear of being completely honest with you....cause she new you would leave if she told you...its clear she didt wanta lose you....BUT....I'm also 100% against lies.....because a relationship is and should be build on trust and honesty....but with that said....number one should be communication.....I truly don't think you should be worried about her lieing in future...I think she did because the lines of communication are not...and were not ever fully open...and I'm sorry but I feel you need to own your part in this as well....cause how I see it....if you have to sneak and go threw someones phone...(FOR ANY REASON) 1st that's clear the communication is not right....and 2nd that's a form of deceat and dishonesty as well....sneaky behaviors are no better for a relationship....so maybe try talking and supporting her...even if it is something you don't like.....if you truly love her....you will be by her side...even if its something you don't like....share that with her....but remain open to allow her to speak with out fear of losing you....you might just be surprised....she might have came to you...if she felt that you would have been there...and not feared the result of u finding out...and losing you....I'm sorry if this seems harsh.....but imagine what she was

or is feeling....if u decide to talk....then yes honesty needs to be a huge part of that talk.....on both parts...yours and hers.....I wish you all the best....

If she wants to smoke cigarettes... thats her choice. why are you trying to control her? do you love her or do you love your cigarette free zone in life?

 

why dont you try a whole new angle and say "you know how I feel about smoking, but I love you, its your choice"

 

...you might be surprised with the outcome - and you will definitely be a bigger man by using that approach.

 

Personally I think she should dump you for being such a controlling bf and telling her what she can and cant do. Good luck!!

No offence OP, but you sound like a control freak...Checking texts for signs of smoking? yikes.

from her perspective (I myself smoke, and trying to quit), i would do anything to make my bf happy and he was very happy

i quit for 7 weeks or so...but i started again, he smelled it on me, i told him the truth and he is not angry. he gave me a hug for the 7 weeks.i will try again when i am ready.

You need to embrace this kind of attitude, because her having to sneak around for a smoke (as i did with my ex) and getting reemed for it (my ex)

is a recipe for disaster

Well, obviously she's hiding it because she doesn't want to lose you. But I'd say she's addicted at this point and it is not going to be easy to quit. Anxiety CAN drive ex-smokers to resume smoking. She should have told you about her problem but you took such a hard stance against it that I'm not surprised she was scared to. I personally could forgive her for that because I do not view an addiction the same way I would view, say, cheating.

I personally would demand that she get on a smoking cessation program, and get on whatever she needs to quit smoking (gum, patches, whatever). If she won't, and being with a smoker is a deal-breaker, then I guess i would leave her.