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i am scared of my girlfriend... what to do?


kaitracid2010

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i need some help with this situation....

 

ok i have been seeing this girl for about 2 years now. i love her very much, but there are a couple of problems!!

 

when we first met, i noticed after a week or two, that she had quite an aggressive streak to her, for example if we went for a drive, and someone cut her up, she would scream & swear about it... i would have to tell her to calm down, why get yourself upset over this.

 

on a few occasions she got very angry, to the point where i found it quite scary.

 

so i told myself, ok she has some anger issues here, as long as she treats me with respect & does not use aggression with me, then that is ok.

 

also she is quite a tough character & tends not to take any kind of crap from anyone.

 

 

anyhow, it is rare for me and her to have arguments, but on the odd occasion we have argued, she has really lost it & resorted to shouting & critisising everything about me.

 

the problem is, on a few occasions, when we have argued, she has got so angry, she has actually finished things with me... i have then tried to talk to her & have kept us both together

 

this has happened on 3 occasions now...

 

 

the problem is, and one of the reasons for her ending things, is because she does not feel like i am going to commit to the relationship? she wanted us to live together at some point & maybe even have a baby.

 

but i am scared of her? i feel like if i upset her in anyway, or get into a argument with her, she will explode & just dump me again.

 

 

at the moment, she is not talking to me....

 

i always spend my weekends with this girl, friday, saturday & sunday... yesterday my mate asked me, if i could come over to his house for a couple of hours, i was not sure, because i usually spend weekends with my girlfriend at my apartment...

 

so i took a risk and asked my girlfriend if she would not mind, if i nipped over to see my friend for a couple of hours on saturday evening...

 

she said ok, then later sent me a text saying, are u sure you are not seeing anyone else... as you only meet this mate of yours on a weekend, and usually a saturday.

 

i sent her a text, saying off course not, she can come with me, and drop me off to his house!

 

anyhow i rang her.... and she went mental on!!!

 

 

she said, how dare you leave me at the apartment & go off to your friends, when you know very well, weekends are for us to be together... i told her, look i will not go, it was just a one off as i usually spend every weekend with this girl & it is very very rare for me to go to a friends house!

 

i asked her if it was ok with her... i did not say i will be going for definate... if she did not want me to go, i would have not gone, but why go mental on me?

 

 

she then proceeded to critise everything about me, how i will not commit to her, how my friend is more important & she told me she will not be spending the weekend with me?

 

i told her, your being silly, and i want to be with you, not at my friends.

 

 

so now she is not speaking to me, nor is she coming to see me at the weekend, i feel so horrible inside.

 

my gut tells me, she is going to dump me again & she is using the weekend as a excuse to get some space from me, to think about what she wants to do with me?

 

i think she will dump me again, i really do love this girl, but i am scared of her anger, and scared of her over reactions!!!

 

i fully understand that she wants commitment, but she is not willing to recognise she has a problem!!

 

if i move in with her & give up my home, what if we have an argument and she flips? then dumps me

 

 

sometimes i feel i cant say what i want to her, incase it annoys her & she throws another wobbly, and dumps me. i feel trapped.

 

please help

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Wow. Here's a tough question for you. Why do you want to be with her?

Yes, you love her. But, why do you want to be with her, when you know what it's like?

 

 

the thing is, there are some very good qualities about her too... she can be very loving, caring & considerate, but there is this darker side to her too.... she gets angry, and really says some very hurtful things to me, then does not talk to me, and has ended things with me twice before... but i talked to her, and we got back together within a a couple of days

 

most of the time, we are good together... but there are problems in the relationship... i was laid off my job about 9 months ago & have not been success full in finding, another job.... i think this is bothering her, as she threw it in my face last night, when she flipped. she said i am not even trying to get a job..... but i am trying so hard, she does not understand that!!!

 

 

also she said we have have been seeing each other for 2 years, and i do not spend enough time with her??.... i see her friday, saturday, sunday, wedneday religiously. i spend more time with her than anyone one else.

 

i think she feels like the relationship is not going anywhere, as a i will not commit more, like get a job and get a house together.... but i asked her to be patient, as soon as i find employment, we can do that, but it may take a little time.

 

but in the same breath, i am scared about moving in with her, because if she flips or i annoy or upset her in anyway, she might kick me to the curb...

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she believes it is wrong for me to leave her at the apartment for a few hours, and go to my friends.... i told her i would not go!!! have i commited such a big crime? now she is not texting me, calling me, bieng cold towards me, will not even meet me on the weekend...

 

i feel like i am hanging on the end of her string, and she will cut me off at anytime

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You should go hang out with your friends this weekend. Do not beg for her back or sit around the house being sorrowful. She is manipulating you. Maybe you can't see it, but that's what's happening here.

 

but what if she dumps me? i don't have any friends here, other than this one who i was planning to go see.

 

i don't even have any family? iv,e got no support system, she was my world, she knows how bad my situation is... i have no job, family or friends...

 

why treat me like this.... i feel like like she has too much control over me, because of my situation

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Seems like you are co-dependent on her to fill in the spaces you have in your life. She's not treating you well. You need to break free and put your life back together. You can do it. Lots of people have to say goodbye to somebody when they don't have anyone else and not a stable life. Saying goodbye will hurt now, but you will be so far better off in a year from now. PS she's IS going to dump you, again and again. It's how she controls you because you're afraid of not having her around/being alone.

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Seems like you are co-dependent on her to fill in the spaces you have in your life. She's not treating you well. You need to break free and put your life back together. You can do it. Lots of people have to say goodbye to somebody when they don't have anyone else and not a stable life. Saying goodbye will hurt now, but you will be so far better off in a year from now. PS she's IS going to dump you, again and again. It's how she controls you because you're afraid of not having her around/being alone.

 

 

that is why i am afraid of her.... if an argument starts, i panic it will get out of control & she will dump me, so i try my best to calm things down & not piss her off... she has ended it twice before & i went to her to try sort things out...

 

but once she goes off on one, there is no stopping her... i do understand some of her feelings, she wants to settle down, for us to live together, for me to have a good job....rather than just carrying on seeing each other like this for ever.

 

but we just can not afford to do that right now, i am unemployed, she works only part time! she also resents me, because i do not have a job. i am trying so hard tho

 

i fear, how things could turn out, if we lived together under the same roof 7 days a week.

 

 

i have hardly heard from her today, i sent her a text earlier today just said "are you ok, how is your day going xx"

 

her reply "i am not happy & not in a good mood, have a good weekend"

 

i have spent every weekend with her, for the last 2 years.... how the hell would i be having a good weekend, i am hurting

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but what if she dumps me? i don't have any friends here, other than this one who i was planning to go see.

 

i don't even have any family? iv,e got no support system, she was my world, she knows how bad my situation is... i have no job, family or friends...

 

why treat me like this.... i feel like like she has too much control over me, because of my situation

 

Okay, so this is your actual issue, not your relationship. You have to create a life for yourself. Otherwise, you become completely dependent on someone, and then it doesn't matter how that someone treats you. In your case, you're being treated terribly by your gf, and she probably knows that she can get away with it because you have nobody else.

 

Find a job. Make some friends. Work on yourself. And never let someone be your entire life. I would also suggest some therapy if you can get it, because there is a reason you let this situation go as far as it has.

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so what do i do now? she is not talking to me, calling me... she has not finished me yet, but probably will soon.

 

shall i tell her it's over, or let her finish me?

 

i don't even know where i stand at the moment "when i last spoke to her, she said she will not be coming to see me at the weekend (all because i suggested seeing a friend for a couple of hours)

 

she said, she will probably see me on monday or tuesday, but she is not even texting or calling me either... so how is she supposing that will happen...

 

is she expecting me to welcome her with open arms, come monday or tuesday, while i spend this whole weekend in turmoil

 

feels like i am just sitting here waiting, till she she decides what to do with me!!!

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Not to sound harsh, but you need to quit letting her decide what she wants to do with you. You need to decide for you what you want to do with yourself.

 

Living with fear in a relationship is not a relationship. It's a dictatorship. You shouldn't have to bow to someone elses wishes because your're afraid they will not speak to you or dump you. That's called abuse.

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Your girlfriend is abusive. Is this really someone you want to spend your life with? Being walked all over and living in fear? Not even allowed you to spend time with friends? You're walking on eggshells, catering to her needs and being taken for granted. This isn't love. It is an abusive and unhealthy relationship.

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Love yourself more than this.

 

You are in an abusive and controlling relationship. Get yourself out of it. That's all that matters. Get out.

 

How can you possibly be in a relationship with someone you are scared of? That's a deal-killer right there.

 

I'm sure when you end it that she will suddenly switch to her "nice side" in an effort to keep you in it.

She knows which emotional strings to pull in you. She will do what she can to try to pull you back in.

But resist that. If you got back together, she would revert back to her normal state which is controlling and abusive.

Leave her now, don't go back to her, and don't look back. Leave her now, don't go back to her, and don't look back.

You must close the door on her, lock the door, throw away the key, and if she rings the doorbell, don't answer.

 

It's more typical for a man to be the controller/abuser and the woman to be stuck in the abusive relationship.

In your case the genders are switched, but it's still the same situation. And you are afraid to leave.

 

Trust me: it will NEVER get any better. And she will NEVER change. What you see now is what you get.

If you stay in this, it will always be like it is now. Is that what you want it to be?

Do you want 2 more years of this torture? Or do you want to be happy instead of this?

 

For your own survival you must leave. Your self-preservation must take priority. Get out now.

It will be difficult to, and you will cry, probably several times, but that will go away quickly.

It won't feel right to leave. It will feel awful. And you may be tempted to go back to relieve that.

But wait it out. You won't feel awful for very long. You will feel much better soon after you leave.

You will feel better soon, but in order to feel better, you must get out of her life and get her out of your life.

Completely and permanently.

 

You will need a healing period which will be difficult, there will be a lot of strong emotions but they will subside.

You can still come back to this web site for support and advice.

But please, we do not want to be reading 2 years from now that you are still with her. You must get out now.

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I'm just going by what I've read. I've read more stories where the man was abusive and controlling. That's why I made that remark. It's certainly possible for the woman to be the controlling or abusive one. I've simply read fewer cases of that on this site and others. Here is one case of it in this thread. And it's certainly possible in same-sex relationships too. But it doesn't really matter what the genders are, it's still the same situation, the issues are still the same and the solution is still the same: end it now.

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