It's starting to dawn on me... could he be emotionally abusive?

I'll try to keep this as short as possible. Basically everything was perfect at the beginning. We were friends for years and then we just kindof happened. He was talking marriage and everything. Then we started fighting for everything. It started when he went overseas for a few weeks and started acting different, didn't say he missed me etc. I called him out on it and he flipped out on me. It went downhill from there. Anything I'd call him out on he'd call me crazy.

Now I'm not perfect I have my own issues to work out. I'm recovering from depression and anxiety. This week we went on a break. He said he wanted me to reflect on myself and fix myself because he can't take it anymore. His job is too demanding and he can't be worrying about my issues all the time. He feels like I am a full time job. My craziness was too intense for him. I agreed that I would fix myself. I've actually been doing quite well and wrote 6 pages of how much better I'm doing and why I think the way I do and how I'm fixing it. I was intending on showing this to him when he came back from his break from me.

He initiated contact with me yesterday and asked me if I smoked. I told him I had one drag and realized I didn't need it anymore. He completely lost it on me, called me a liar, swore at me, over me realizing something was bad for me. I said I'd be ok if I never smoked again, I didn't promise him I'd never smoke again but he's acting like I broke my word. There was no word. This was never a problem in the relationship but now he's making it a new problem. I called him because we kept texting and I thought it was ridiculous and wanted to talk it out civilly. He yelled and swore at me. I texted him after that I didnt appreciate him yelling at me and he said it was my fault he yelled at me because he's so frustrated and I should've known that calling him would cause him to yell. He didn't apologize for how he treated me or anything. It was my fault.

He brought up stuff from the past that I thought we were over and had worked through. He continually said "whatever do whatever you want" "why do I bother" "you're treating me like an idiot" "you misled and lied to me".

I purposely didn't go out drinking all weekend because that's how I used to deal with my issues. I told him this but he kept focusing on the 5 seconds I smoked.

Now that I've worked on myself and seeing things clearly I'm starting to think that maybe he is being emotionally abusive. I know I'm certainly not perfect and I've done my share of taking out my anger on him and stuff but I've always apologized and tried to make things right, being mindful of not repeating the same issues. If he were in my shoes and I in his, I would be supporting him every step of the way. Accept his mistakes as long as he learned from them. Am I wrong here?

The way he yelled at me today I am now terrified of him. Absolutely terrified. I feel like showing him my list of accomplishments and saying "I'm not giving this to you, you don't deserve the improved me I'm saving it for someone who treats me with respect".

I can't help but feel this is my fault so I just want an outsider's perspective... is he being emotionally abusive? Or was I wrong for seeing for myself that smoking isn't something I need to do?

Would you describe your treatment of him as emotionally or verbally abusive?

I guess both to an extent? Maybe moreso emotional

Oh wait I just realized what you meant lol the way I treat him. I don't even know? I don't think I abuse him? Maybe I'm really annoying sometimes but I've never intended to hurt him in any way. I have said some mean things to him which I suppose is verbal abuse but I've always apologized and tried to fix things asap

Well, you said you had taken out your anger on him.

The point I am making is that you should be aware of the kettle/pot scenario. If there has been a dynamic in the relationship of emotional abuse on both sides then both people need to be aware of it and to fix it, not just one person blaming another, either him blaming you or you blaming him.

Yep that's exactly why I was fixing it this week. I slipped up by smoking I guess, but I was honest with him and he blew up on me completely. I was hoping he would see this as oh wow she overcame something but instead he swore at me and yelled at me to the point where I'm now terrified. I've never been that nasty to him. He has not even apologized.

If you're still "on a break" with him, I would make it a permanent break. It doesn't seem like this relationship is good for either of you and it's heading that way anyhow.

We all happen to get angry, raise voice, or be insensitive to our partners sometimes. This is not always abuse, it is a reaction of an angry person.

Abuse is when a person yells, calls names, puts down, critisizes constantly his/her partner with a specific objective, notably-to make the other person feel inferior, so that the abusive person can control and have power over the abused person.

OP, do you feel like your boyfriend treats you with disrespect to try to hurt your self-esteem and make you do what he wants? In this case it is abuse.

This, I think, is a bad sign. He over-reacted and yelled at your and then said it was YOUR fault that he had to verbally berate you. It's never a good thing when one person claims their inappropriate action is the "fault" of another person. If this is a pattern, then it certainly is a form of abuse.

However, it also sounds like you two might just not be good for each other. Anxiety and depression are hard traits to deal with in a partner, and it will take far longer than a week to really get over those issues. I don't think you should try to get back together with this guy. Whether he is abusive or just a real jerk sometimes, you sound like you could use an extended period of time to get over the anxiety/depression you've been dealing with so you can eventually begin a healthy relationship with a different individual.

Thanks for everyone's input. Here are a few more gems "how am I supposed to plan a future with someone who doesn't listen to me" and "I dated you because I saw the potential of who you can be". He was well aware of my issues prior to dating after all we were friends for a few years. Oh and "I have to yell at you because that's the only way I can get through to you".

I can't. I just can't deal with that. None of it. The signs are more and more.