"Catching up" with the ex tonight for the first time since the breakup.

My college ex (first love) basically moved to New York quicker than I wanted to which was the reason for our split. She now perceives me as less assertive than the person she fell in love with. I've basically 'lost her trust in me as a man.' (She didn't say that but that's what's happened). I let my parents' concerns and career/financial worries and inertia keep me from what I wanted to do, which was move to New York with her, which was what I wanted more than I've ever wanted anything. I screwed it up.

I've become a man since this breakup. I intensely regret not moving with her and I would make a totally different decision if I had to do it again. She's right: I was a weenie not to move.

The breakup was a huge mess. This is each of our first real relationship and we were both tremendously immature. I kept pulling and pulling and made her so angry that she ended up saying she can't ever see us getting back together , she can't ever see herself with me again, she just wants to be friends, etc. She was extremely emotional and in tears when she said all this so I take it with a bit of a grain of salt. But it still sucks that that's out there.

That was two months ago. We haven't talked since. I've been figuring out my life and decided I will very likely be moving to New York anyway, with or without her.

We have a ton of love for each other (obviously... first love), a ton of mutual friends, and we know we are super long-term compatible, but who knows about where she's at short-term.

One of my ******* friends texted me Saturday night when I was drunk that he saw on Facebook that she moved into her new place in Brooklyn.

So I texted the ex. First contact in two months. "Congratulations on the new place! We should catch up sometime soon if you're not too busy."

She responded: "I'm not busy at all the next few weeks - I'd love to catch up!"

So we're talking tonight.

I have no idea what to say or how to handle this chat. Things I would like to communicate (in order of whether or not I feel like I SHOULD communicate them) are:

• Catching up in a nice, friendly way that shows I'm valuable and happy even single
  
• 'I've come to terms with the breakup'
  
• 'I want to say I'm sorry for the way things ended between us, especially if I hurt you'
  
• I need a couple more months of space to focus on myself and my plans
  
• I want to move to New York and don't want to put pressure on her, its not BECAUSE of her...
  
• But I would like to see her and see if we can have a relationship when I'm there....
  
• 'I don't feel things became so broken due to a lack of love or compatibility, but rather because of the compound effects of career pressure, distance, timing, living situation, inexperience, immaturity and selfishness, especially on my part. It was all too much too soon. I understand if you feel differently. No matter what, it's clear things could not keep going on the same path they had been.'
  
• a litany of things that I could have done better
  
• HOLY **** TAKE ME BACK I LOVE YOU HAVE MY BABIES
  

Obviously that's a lot and I won't be able to say all of that. And I know I need to tone it down to seem like someone she wants to be with.

I just really want her back because I honestly think we were only broken by circumstances. I want to see her and get to know her again and give things a real, low-pressure try if/when I'm in New York.

So what do I say on this call? I guess we just catch up, maybe I imply that I need more space to focus on myself and continue to make changes, and that we should see how we feel about seeing each other when I'm in New York.

Anyone been in a similar situation? Advice?

The breakup already happened, for reasons you both know. Don't bring it up, don't try to "explain" or "justify". It's in the past, it's done.

Talk about what you are up to, ask her what SHE is up to, and propose an innocent meetup for a drink very soon.

You want her back ? Date her, and flirt with her. Be the new man you think you are, not the same man with fixed up parts.

After a "commitment" breakup, women are uncertain and vulnerable, and might fall for the first man who will offer them stability and romance, even tho they still think about their ex, because everyone around them (family, friends) will do everything they can to help them forget their ex.

Thanks Siegfri. That makes a lot of sense. Basically I need to get to New York ASAP, if that's what I want, date her, and let the chips fall where they may.

That is the lens through which I will view this phone call.

Best advice I've seen given on ENA regarding your situation is to go in without ANY expectations. Don't expect that this would turn into reconciliation, don't expect to reignite the fire, don't expect ANYTHING because if you do, she'll somehow sense the vibe and get scared off. GL!

Best advice I've seen given on ENA regarding your situation is to go in without ANY expectations. Don't expect that this would turn into reconciliation, don't expect to reignite the fire, don't expect ANYTHING because if you do, she'll somehow sense the vibe and get scared off. GL!

Do you think this means I just cant say anything about the past until she brings it up? So basically I just have to be her friend/date until she does something I don't like, i.e. starts seeing someone else, at which point I cut her off?

She's just such a demure girl, she's never going to SAY straight out she wants me back or anything like that... I guess I can lead it in that direction once I'm there though.

She said she would like to catch up. Period. Those are your expectations. To catch up.

Discussing the past will suck you in to a black hole you do not want to be in.

Frankly, I think you telling her you are planning on moving to NY might spark a huge line of questioning in and of itself.

Remember this -- you are not in a relationship w/ her anymore. Don't act like you are.

She said she would like to catch up. Period. Those are your expectations. To catch up.

 

Discussing the past will suck you in to a black hole you do not want to be in.

 

Frankly, I think you telling her you are planning on moving to NY might spark a huge line of questioning in and of itself.

 

Remember this -- you are not in a relationship w/ her anymore. Don't act like you are.

Yeah, telling her I'm moving to NY is going to spark questions, and probably spark some anger. I'm more than a bit worried about how to handle it... do I address my regret? That's kind of my central question.

You do not address your regret. You just own it.

She doesn't want to hear it -- you just want to say it.

Expect anger regarding the "now I'm ready to go to NY".

Yeah.. I mean I have my reasons for why I didn't go sooner. I will just have to own them and own my past decisions.

It's just like... I can go into this call with no expectations, I really DO NOT want to put pressure on her.... If/when I get to New York, it'll be for me.... but I do love her, and want to be with her. I am not sure how to turn all of that into a coherent, calm, fun line of discussion. Basically... I'm worried I can't.

Which is why I'm overthinking the hell out of this call.

I guess I can kind of just own it and say, "look, the reason why I wanted to talk is that I know you'll be hearing from mutual friends that I'm moving to New York. I wanted you to know that I don't want to put any pressure on you. MAYBE we can see how we both feel about seeing each other when I'm there...."

so that's kind of awkward, which leads me to want to just totally own it and say (not so harshly), "I feel like we didn't work out because of timing, immaturity and selfishness. (I understand if you feel differently). I'm moving to New York because it's what I want. It's what I should have done. I still care about you and I'd like to see you but I will not pressure you at all. I want us both to be happy -- and I need some space to figure out how to make my move -- so let's enjoy meeting new people and making new friends, and maybe see how we feel about seeing each other if and when I get to New York."

Then I just end the call there....

there has to be a better way to articulate that?