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Sometimes the dumper DOES come back..


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Ugh. 6 months ago when he dumped me I would've given anything for him to give our relationship a second chance. He was 100% certain and unwilling to even try to work on us. We lived together. Now he contacts me out of the blue interested in seeing if we can rekindle things. We've been NC for 4-5mths and in that time I've started dating, play a new sport, moved into a new house, so much has changed.

 

At this point I can only think of our relationship negatively (he was very selfish throughout and at the end) so I've told him I can only offer him friendship. But I suppose it's a ray of hope for some dumpees who are interested in rekindling things after this much time. The dumper sometimes comes back.

 

ETA my story:

 

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This is so true! Im currently in the phase of wanting my ex back still but it is slowly fading. I met a friend on Monday who was pining for her ex for a year, when she finally let go of him guess what... He came back!! Now he is the one inundating her with text messages and phone calls and she's not interested.. Karma.

 

Great to hear your story and happy for you it had a positive outcome. It sounds like it really was the right thing. The reason I'm struggling with my split is that my guy was the most caring considerate person ever, I really can't think if one negative thing about him to add to a list apart from the fact he watched too much football and we weren't always keen on the same films... I guess time will tell. So far 6.5 weeks BU and 4.5 weeks NC... Sigh.

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It's so funny how it works, the minute you stop wanting them, then they start wanting you. But for it to work requires that you no longer want them. But then it's too late, because by that point you could care less. You don't want them back. I had an ex that I slowly left because he was abusive. I finally got to the point where I never wanted to see or hear from him again... but when I reached that point, he started calling and was all sweet and loving... the transformation was stunning. But I still turned him down.... I had an awful feeling in the pit of my stomach, from the really bad times before with him, and I listened to that feeling. Technically yes, I was the dumper. But the change in him was amazing, once I let go and no longer had any interest.

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LOL. Why does it always happen like this? I'm about 3 monthes out of a break- up and at this point I want him to come back... only to have an evil laugh at his expense. Bad of me I know. I think it comes from a place of just wanting to punish him for all the anguish and suffering he caused me. Sometimes people need a taste of their own medicine.

 

I'm not at the stage where I wouldn't take him back though. But definitly past the pathetic stage where I'd desperately say yes. He'd have to grovel at this point. Someone breaking up with you sometimes shows you how much self respect you have and whether you need more.

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It's so satisfying when an idiot ex gets in contact pleading for you back, but you're SO over them that you just don't care. A guy who was an absolute scallywag (not using the term I would normally use) to me THREE years ago after only four months seeing each other, sporadically would email me every five months or so but I just didn't care after an initial mourning period of about 3 months. He recently came back to me literally confessing love and how he'd never found anyone like me, he's so sorry bla bla bla. I said I could be friends but felt nothing for him anymore. He's now like a lovesick puppy bringing me groceries if he knows I'm out of food or cigarettes if he knows I'm craving. Hold out until you just don't care and flip the power. Immature but immensely satisfying

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This has also happened to me and I'm sure it will also happen with this guy who just 'rejected' me. He will come back when I no longer want him. It's such a shame...I don't feel the power and happiness of refusing them when they are back like that. I feel what a shame of what could have been had you just reciprocated earlier when I wanted you so...

 

I am friends with someone like this who rejected me many years ago, and to this day now he is in love with me - except I can only every be friends anymore. What a shame of what could have been. I used to feel so much for him.

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in a sense it's karma. you loved and adored them so much but they broke your heart and caused you pain. now they have to live with that pain and regret. that they held something precious in their hands and then they dropped it.

 

i don't know if i'll ever completely get over my ex. i think he's always going to be that one ex i'll always hold a candle for... but if he came back i wouldn't 100% adore him anymore. He let me down in a big way and once that trust has crumbled it's hard to give your heart into their keeping again. It's hard to feel safe when all you're going to be listening for is the other shoe to drop.

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in a sense it's karma. you loved and adored them so much but they broke your heart and caused you pain. now they have to live with that pain and regret. that they held something precious in their hands and then they dropped it.

 

i don't know if i'll ever completely get over my ex. i think he's always going to be that one ex i'll always hold a candle for... but if he came back i wouldn't 100% adore him anymore. He let me down in a big way and once that trust has crumbled it's hard to give your heart into their keeping again. It's hard to feel safe when all you're going to be listening for is the other shoe to drop.

 

Im feeling exactly the same - Im 4 months on from BU and I feel now that even if my ex came back pledging adoration and love I could never feel the same way about him because of the insensitive way he ended things, and how much he hurt me.. Part of what made our relationship so special is that I trusted him completely... I dont feel I can ever trust him with my heart again and that is the saddest thing.

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Definitly. Totally agree. I think if mine came back though, it could either be a disaster or a new beginning built on a more honest foundation. who knows what life has instore?

 

all i know is that this one long protracted mistake he has made, completely broke me in half. it taught me that even if you know a person extremely well, they can all of a sudden just turn into someone you don't like or understand. but after all he's done to me, all the hurt, i will always love him. but i don't think i'll ever fully trust anyone again, let alone him. it hurt so much because until he broke up with me he was extremely trustworthy... until he wasn't. sigh. such is life.

 

and as far as them coming back and pledging undying love? I heard it too many times until he broke up with me. more than anything else it teaches us that their mouthes can be moving but if they're not backing it up with action than it's just best to ignore it.

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The biggest mistake the dumper always makes is thinking that the dumpee will always be there.

 

exactly. he'll come slinking back at some point. he's also so used to women falling all over themselves to be with him. it's going to be hilarious when the door won't open.

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I'm only just 2 weeks into my break up but I'm realizing more and more that this whole talk of the dumper coming back is pretty much pointless. If anyone wants to get back together with someone else, whether they are the dumper or dumpee, there has to be a significant change on a personal, individual level and the relationship should start anew, otherwise it won't work. Just my opinion.

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Seems like some people doth protesteth too much. If an ex contacts you and you want to rub it in their face you're hardly over them. Or your spiteful. Then they probably made the right decision to dump you.

 

It's not about spite. It's about showing them they can't hurt someone, use someone, treat the person they supposedly loved like total crap... then come crawling back, expecting us to still be here when they change their mind. They hurt us really badly. They need to learn to never treat anyone like that again.

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I'm going to play devil's advocate here but a lot of dumpers don't actually do it intentionally to hurt the dumper. It's not fun or easy for them either. My ex was in pieces when he broke up with me but I know he did it because he felt it was the right thing and I admire him for having the guts to be honest. In the past i have been the dumper in another relationship and it is the hardest thing I ever did but I also knew it was the right thing.. So in that respect I don't think the dumper does deserve to be punished, the dumping happens because in life we all evolve and change as people, at that particular point in time they were true to themselves, you can't be angry at them for it.

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