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Dating and in the "in-laws"....??


OutToSee

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Question for you all: would you stop yourself from dating someone if you knew his/her parents were an absolute nightmare to deal with?

 

Case in point--a friend of mine. He's kind, funny and gorgeous and not to mention has a great job. However his parents are straight off the boat (our families come from the same countries but my grandparents were born in the old country, came here when they were really little and were very modern and hip. My parents are modern and hip too. His? Not at all. Painfully traditional) and are pains in the @ss if you get my drift. Culturally, I get it. But I'm anything but traditional and would TOTALLY butt heads with his mom, who I don't really even like from just knowing her as a friend's mom.

 

I also know this guy's sister in law (married to the guy's brother). The mother is constantly bickering with her and standing on ridiculous ceremonies. "Why don't you come over for coffee?" "Why don't you visit?" "Why don't you decorate this way?" "Why don't you cook such and such like I do?" She even wanted to go on their honeymoon. The parents won't even try food that is not belonging to their culture. It's maddening.

 

So all this brings me to my point: if you liked someone and they seemed to be a good match to you but their parents and family were a nightmare, would you stop yourself from dating them in the chance that if things got serious, you'd really need to deal with a set of monsters? Interesting dilemma.

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How does he deal with his folks - does he come to his sister in law's defense or does he think the parents are right? Its not about being modern or traditional but parents respecting the boundaries of their children. I have met women who were very traditional from asian or eastern european cultures who were perfectly lovely to their families. And the husband guided the wife as far as informing her not to use coarse language around them or it was tradition to have tea with the mother one one one before or after marrying so she didn't unintentional snub anyone.

 

Personally, I wouldn't date him if you have an eye towards marriage ultimately. I had nightmare stressful in laws that eventually worked on my ex to get rid of me. If you can't remotely stand the parents and its not because they are traditional and have traditional values but because they are unaccepting bullies, then that is a point well taken.

 

There is potential friction with all mothers in law, however. She could be a dream so long as you made a traditional dish when they were over and made an effort to invite her for tea or coffee once a month compared to some other potential mother in law.

 

The key is how HE deals with them.

 

Also, you aren't marrying this guy - you may not even if you do date. And he might not want to date you either - you don't know.

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All valid points. He is actively pursuing me. We've hung out exclusively and done date activities like dinner, movies, etc. and he keeps calling to see me again so I know he's interested.

 

When he brought up the issue of his mom getting on the sister in law's back for "not coming over for coffee often," he defended his mother saying that even newlyweds can make time for family and that the girl obviously isn't family oriented. Keep in mind, the girl is a newlywed! I'm sure visiting mom in law each weekend for coffee and a spot of tea is not on her radar.

 

The thing is, I usually don't like to casually date someone unless I can remotely see a future with them. Call me crazy, but if I don't think you're stable, with a good job and could potentially be a fit for me in a (distant or not so distant) serious future scenario, I get turned off and don't want to date you.

 

However, he is a nice guy and I was wondering if I could get some more perspective on this. Some say you date the person and others say you date the person + the family. So confused!

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Depends on his relationship with them. If he's going to always take their side - forget it. I had an ex (short lived) that had a mother who strongly disliked me and vice versa and I knew the pure he ll I'd go through dating him so It was a huge factor in ending it. Feelings weren't strong enough to deal with all the drama. Thats what it comes down to.

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I have been together with my wife for 8 years. I have never got along with her mother. We have the same birthday too which is funny. I'm latino and her family is filipino. Due to filipino tradition they couldn't accept me until I married her. We have our own family and everything is going great. I get along with all her family members except her mom.

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I agree with abitbroken...I married my husband before I knew his family, if I had known what they were like and that my husband would always side with them....I would not have married him. They have been a contant stress in this marriage and for me and my children, personally. I love my husband, but if I had know his family better, I would have steered clear, because of my beliefs, for as it is said the two become one; two people, two families bonded for life. That may sound ugly or cruel, but it's not, no, years ago, ,there was a situation in reference to my children, that my mother-in-law was unhappy with how it was handled, so she no longer acknowledges my (or the children in question) exitence. So she acknowledges my husband and only two of my children, she sends them cards, calls my husband only on his cell...she has effective divided my family and my husband doesn't see why he should tell her not to take sides...because he doesn't want to loose his mom...and do I really want to tear my family completely apart and let her win??? No, my older two and I suffer through this, because they love their Dad and they forgive him....me I'm trying to forgive both of them...it just hurts me to see my sons treated so...but if they can forgive, then so must I....but it does sadden me to think if I had chosen to marry someone, who he and his family were like minded, maybe this wouldn't have happened...

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Monster-in-laws are a headache. As long as that mutual and cordial respect is given among both sides, it'll be rough, but doable. I would prefer not to, but in a serious, committed and exclusive relationship I guess I really don't have a choice.

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My ex's family had a lot of family drama and that was what ultimately drove a wedge between us. I loved him and was willing to put up with it and for four years I did. But, it created a lot of conflict and stress on the relationship as I felt his family always took priority over me even though we were trying to build a life together. The important thing is to see how HE deals with his family. If he is defensive and takes his family's side all the time or devotes his entire life to them, then needless to say, I would definitely steer next time.

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I would tel him that you would have defended the SIL. They are newly married and it is expected to need to establish yourself as a couple before inviting family or also, she might not be keen on spending time with her if she is always critical and unaccepting. See what his response is in case he didn't think of things that way. Speak up and find out rather than just being silent and ticking it off the list in your head. (gee, also, what is wrong with meeting the mom out at the mall or with her husband with her rather than the big pomp and circumstance of a formal tea invite?)

 

My MIL had a similar complain about me, but why would I invite a woman over that always makes a spectacle of herself and makes me feel bad? seriously, the SIL cares about family _ HER family,meaning she and her husband.

 

I think it is okay to date him for a short time longer to see what else is there, but I would be honest with him after that - that he while you are very attracted to him you only want to date guys you could see a future with and you would be afraid that he would side with his mother/that his mother makes life very difficult for others and you can't be in that situation.

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I would think that if you and the other person were of the same opinion that his parents were off, and that both of you wouldnt adhere to those cultural rules that you would be fine. However, that doesnt seem to be the case, if those boundaries cannot be agreed on by your partner then the parents are going to drive you crazy.

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Just to answer the question... he did NOT defend the SIL, stating that even though she was a newlywed she's known his family for years and has been dating his brother for years and as a result should come over to say hi often. I personally think that's such bs and VERY typical of our culture which relies on standing on such ceremonies that it's so ridiculous. Bottom line: she's a newlywed! They just moved into their own home. She's not thinking about "oh, did I get my weekly MIL quota in this week?"

 

It really turned me off. I just told him work has me really busy and I need to focus all my energy on that for now and don't think I'll be seeing him again. I don't want to mention the real reason.

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