"Bad" & broken girls like to get their fix from me and leave

I realized today that I am attracted to "bad" girls with emotional problems (I am in my mid 20's). The girl I just broke up with was sexy as hell. They seem to be attracted to me as well...at first. You could say I am a nice guy who came from a good family. I have a dark side, but it really only comes out behind closed doors (girls are usually surprised after we get out of the bedroom). Don't get me wrong I like to rave and party, but I am still a "nice" guy.

I have dated many girls, but in the 3 serious relationships I have had in my life, the girls were all emotionally unstable and depressed. All 3 were alcoholics on some level, 2 with alcoholic dads and going through hard times, and one was raped. The 2 girls with alcoholic dads ended up leaving me for "bad" guys that were even more emotionally screwed up than they were. They seem to like the idea of me (a nice guy who actually cares about them), go out with me and make themselves feel better, and then get over it/bored and leave for another broken guy. I know these guys are usually more assertive, exciting, manly, etc. The last one told me I was too indecisive and wanted a stronger guy who could take charge, and who wasn't so worried about her feelings.

The girl who was raped actually enjoyed being with a nice stable guy who cared about her, and I have a feeling we would still be together if she hadn't left for college (we went out for a year and a half).

Getting dumped by these "bad" girls for "bad" guys makes me feel like I am boring, not confident enough, too nice, and not manly enough (last 3 are probably true). It really gets to me. That said, I am just not attracted to nice perfect girls with everything together. Not sure what I should do...

This is a trap that the "Good Guy" falls into. It goes along with what I termed the "White Knight Syndrome" in my book. A lot times a woman really does want the guy who treats her right, but she may end up rejecting them in the end. A lot of times it exists as a cycle. Date a Bad Guy, feel like crap, date the Good Guy, feel better about self, return to the Bad Guy.

As for what you should do there are a number of different ways you can handle the situation, but it doesn't have to do with being more manly or less nice. The truth is that overall who you are is fine, it is the women you are dating that are damaged. I would wonder if the reason they may get tired of it is the fact you make yourself overly available to them, what I mean is if you over extend yourself with respect to taking care of them or trying to help them heal? This can be a great aspect, but keep in mind the idea of "teach a man to fish you feed him for a day teach a man to fish you feed him for a life time." This applies big in dating. If you are the one that builds the person back up all you are doing is the reverse of what the Bad Guy that has torn them down does. While you should be supportive you can't be the one that builds them back up, they need to truly realize they have value on their own. If they don't once you build them up they will go back to dating Bad Guys and then may seek you out again to help them heal when that guy tears them down.

My Mom, in the past, has told me that my uncle was like that. My Mom referred to it as "wounded-bird" syndrome. The idea being he would find these "wounded-birds" and try to fix them. She has always warned me about not falling into the same trap..

not confident enough, too nice, and not manly enough

Would you like to change that?

Where does your dark side come from, what do you think you like in these girls that you see in yourself?

I was one of those girls in my youth and I was attracted to guys like yourself because I felt they balanced my chaos. I wasn't an alcoholic as such..though I'd get drunk often.. very lost, somewhat self destructive and damaged as you mention. I have recently realised that part of the reason I was attracted to those guys was a frailty and aloneness in them I could relate to. If you want to stop attracting these girls you could possibly examine that aloness and vulnerability and where that lies in you.

If you are up for the challenge because you want sex with this type of girl, I think you can stay long term with one if you obtain the skills they say you lack. I had found that too with those guys, I was making all the decisions and running the show in the end and sadly it wasn't a challenge at all. I know they make it look like you need to look after them but it will make a better relationship if you don't assume responsibility for their life and problems and allow them to deal with it.

I consider myself a healthy person but I would leave a guy, most likely, who is not confident, perhaps not manly, and who is indecisive. I HATE indecisive. It is TERRIBLE to be in a relationship with. I think too many guys assume they are great when they actually have their own -ish to work on. It sounds like you are not perfect either but it's easier to blame the girls within looking within.

I consider myself a healthy person but I would leave a guy, most likely, who is not confident, perhaps not manly, and who is indecisive. I HATE indecisive. It is TERRIBLE to be in a relationship with. I think too many guys assume they are great when they actually have their own -ish to work on. It sounds like you are not perfect either but it's easier to blame the girls within looking within.

Yeah, exactly.

You say you aren't attracted to nice girls who have themselves together. And I wonder why?

At some point in your life you may be realizing that the "nice girl that has herself together" is really no different from the girl who is an alcoholic and has serious issues she has yet to address. In fact, a lot of "nice girls that have themselves together" are women who once upon a time, were screwed up themselves on some level - but they took the time to address it. I consider myself one of those

And even in my 'broken' stage....I would have run the other way if a guy had told me he had a history of being with alcoholics. Tell you why. Because why would a healthy individual put up with that, or want that? Alcoholism is horrible, it's like being with someone who isn't even there. Being with someone so screwed up - is like being with someone who isn't even really there. That's pretty disturbing actually, considering a relationship like that and a person not wanting to get out of it, and doing all they can to get out of it.

I wonder what kind of denial and rationalizing you are doing in order to be with these women. It would take some contorting; so you aren't really available for someone who wants to really be there with you either.....you are too busy trying to be with someone who is basically at this time "a shell".

The last one told me I was too indecisive and wanted a stronger guy who could take charge, and who wasn't so worried about her feelings

Are you the type of guy that's always trying to make sure your girlfriend is happy and not sad by doing everything right and constantly asking questions like "baby, whats wrong? I love you, you're perfect, let me buy you ice cream to make you feel better, its okay, blah blah blah"

Sure some of that is fine, but if you always let her emotions control the situation it's never going to be fun for her. Everyone has baggage, how you deal with the baggage makes all the difference. Instead of trying to fix every one of her problems, let her know that some things are out of her control and just to worry about herself. Go out and have some fun, motivate her to get out of her rut and have a good time.

For me to give you more solid advice, I need to know what your definition of "being a nice guy" is. Because often times, "nice" guys, are no different than "bad boys", as far as their intentions go. They just don't know how to get what they want, so they call the others guys mean/jerks.

And even in my 'broken' stage....I would have run the other way if a guy had told me he had a history of being with alcoholics. Tell you why. Because why would a healthy individual put up with that, or want that? Alcoholism is horrible, it's like being with someone who isn't even there. Being with someone so screwed up - is like being with someone who isn't even really there. That's pretty disturbing actually, considering a relationship like that and a person not wanting to get out of it, and doing all they can to get out of it.

This is a really really great point.

A year later, looking back on this thread, I saw your post and it really stood out to me. What is wrong with ME that I am chasing these girls who are a shell and am willing to put up with it? That is exactly how I would describe the girl I just got out of a 6 month relationship with. She started abusing heavy drugs and was no longer there, she became a ghost of her old self. I have no interest in going through this again, I want to identify the problem and change.

I tried this with my latest girlfriend, gave her space and time, and she eventually spiraled out of control. At that point I tried to step in and help her and became very worried, she really got herself into a bad place. I guess it is what it is.

A year later, looking back on this thread, I saw your post and it really stood out to me. What is wrong with ME that I am chasing these girls who are a shell and am willing to put up with it? That is exactly how I would describe the girl I just got out of a 6 month relationship with. She started abusing heavy drugs and was no longer there, she became a ghost of her old self. I have no interest in going through this again, I want to identify the problem and change.

Yay! You can do it. Give yourself the chance to! I bet you will discover a whole lot about yourself in the process.

Your idea of masculinity is insulting to real men.

Yay! You can do it. Give yourself the chance to! I bet you will discover a whole lot about yourself in the process.

Thank you! What is that though? Just doing a lot of self discovery and research? Forcing myself to try a different kind of girl?