ARE DUMPERS AFRAID TO REACH OUT TO DUMPEES?? after months of NC ??

Just curious with this questions..... pls dumpers respond !

Not afraid; they just don't want anything to do with "that relationship" anymore. They've gone and left, most often for good.

I responded to one of your posts before. I mentioned before that I am usually the dumper. Anyway, here is my take on it in regards to contact after a period of NC :

I cheated on an ex boyfriend around 8 years ago. I recently want to contact him simply bc I want to say sorry for hurting him and I want to be PLATONIC FRIENDS. I have no romantic attraction to him whatsoever. In fact, I find him physically unattractive but I always thought that his character was kind and nice. I am in a long-term, happy relationship with a wonderful man for 5 - 6 years now. My ex ( from word of mouth ) is dating someone else too. Anyway, I still want to contact him to see if we can be platonic friends bc he is ultimately a good man. Would I contact him though? Probably not. I can easily send him a message on FB ( we are not friends on there ) or pass the message through other people but I won't....simply bc I don't want to stir up any residual emotions on his part ( whether it's anger etc ).

It's not a matter of being afraid in contacting him. It's a matter of RESPECTING him since I already put him through so much hell before. My desire to be platonic friends with him ( even though we have moved on with both of our lives ) is really insignificant.

OK tks but we had a bad break up, i think he might be afraid to contact me simply because he was at fault, i found out later what he did.. hes scared and afraid whatever reason to reach out ! today i was cleaning out my drawers and found our marriage certificate ! i was sad all day long.

I was a dumper back in February. I'm not scared to contact her - just don't want to have anything to do with her. I've read a lot of people on here say that maybe the dumper needs an "open line" to begin communication again. I think that's not true whatsoever. As the dumper, you actually hold too much power in the post-break-up. You know that your ex is still pining for you so you feel free and easy to contact or don't. Whats the worse the dumpee will say "Leave me alone". I'm not afraid to hear that and Im sure many men aren't either. We go after what we desire most and push away what we don't want.

Just a few months ago a woman was on this forum talking about how she read all these articles about getting her ex back and how she was convinced (as the dumpee) she need to open the line of communication. Many of us disagreed. She argued relentlessly in favor of creating some open door approach. She never did post on what happened but I noticed she posted on another website .. he told her to "lose his number". She's been rollercoastring through emotions ever since. Problem is she thought she held the magic key to unlocking why he wasn't contacting her. When the reason all along was that he just didn't want to speak to her. I can relate to that sooo much.

At times, I think that he does miss me and our relationship, but it would take falling skies and earthquakes for him to reach out to me again, feelings aside, because he has such a large ego. He wouldn't do things that would essentially emasculate him, such as calling me out of the blues or begging me back. Within the 2 years we dated, there were constant ego clashes and determination to see who should "wear pants in the relationship."

But then, I can't complain for I am just as egoistical as he is. I know the kind of person I am, what I want, and how to get it. To even contemplate about reaching out to him is insulting enough, let alone seeking reconciliation, but to each their own, I suppose.

OK tks but we had a bad break up, i think he might be afraid to contact me simply because he was at fault, i found out later what he did.. hes scared and afraid whatever reason to reach out ! today i was cleaning out my drawers and found our marriage certificate ! i was sad all day long.

 

I think this post was made during a difficult, sad time when you discovered the old marriage certificate in the closet. A break up is never easy but it doesn't get any easier when you try to rationalise or even assume certain things when it is very simple and clear : He has left and the relationship is over. He is with another.

 

When I was in my late teens and early 20s, many of my female friends who got dumped by men would rationalise their ex boyfriends' actions. They always made the whole break up as something quite dramatic. There were always talks of " It was meant to be but there were some forces that kept us apart etc etc ". The truth of the matter is ( as one poster put it ), is that if men want you, they will go after you and if they don't, they will do everything to push you away. Women always try to make things a lot harder than it really is. It's very sad bc we can't understand how we can be discarded just like that....but that is the reality of being dumped

 

I hope you overcome this rather difficult challenge.

I agree with you wholeheartedly and I am a woman. That's why I always abided by NC bc I think it's the best way to get over someone...and when they do come back, I am so over them that we have a good / platonic relationship where I am completely indifferent to them. I just think that dumpees put themselves in greater pain by prolonging the depressive state of being dumped by harkening to articles entitled " How to Get Your Ex Back...Guaranteed! ". I often wonder, " How can an article or some relationship guru that you pay an insane amount of money for POSSIBLY understand the complex dynamics between you and your ex? How can books and other people possibly help in CHANGING your ex's mind to love you back whole heartedly, as it was before, when you first met?! ". It really DOES take some miraculous intervention of divine forces to accomplish that.....so you give up and accept the reality instead.

I think what so often happens, for both men and women, is that the break-up happens and the the dumpee sits back and says "But....they said they loved me just last week"...or, "we shared so many special times together, how can they just forget that..". I don't want to bust anyone's "hope bubble" but in the beginning of any relationship there is, of course, a period of time where both people se eye to eye and both desire each other. As that relationship continues, a lot of the times something (for the dumper) begins to erode at that bond. The other person in the relationship is bouncing gleefully along without knowing that the other person is thinking "maybe I should end this". But the dumper (I know, I did this) rides along because it's sure as heck better than being alone. Problem is, that amazing night at Cold Stone Ice Cream for her was just another ice cream night for me. The time we went to see whatever movie was just another night out for me but was so special to her. All these memories being imprinted on her mind are now lost in the fog of my own life the next day. It didn't have any sustainable meaning to me.

So, I ridde along in the relationship second-guessing whether or not I should end it. I don't want to rock the boat so when she says "I love you", well, I say "I love you too". Stop and think about what just happened there. Now she's thinking "everything is fine in my relationship cuz he's still I love you", and I'm thinking "I don't really mean it so I should stop saying it but then I'd have to break-up and maybe I'm not ready for that".

Here's the real kicker. As the soon-to-be dumper, I begin to start leaning towards telling her it's over. But, I actually need something to instigate it all. I am almost waiting for her first "dumb move", her first slip-up, our next argument, anything that will give me an excuse to end it. Problem is, the way it ends leaves the dumpee thinking that it all ended because of an argument. Wrong. It ended because I have wanted to end it for months and saw that is the most opportune time. I used the argument as my "exit".

And if you don't believe me, then why don't I run back to her after things have cooled? Because the arguent had nothing to do with wanting to leave that relationsip but now I have a reason. So, the dumpee sits back and says "It ended because of a small fight, so I'm sure he'll come back". And all the while it ended months previous but the dumpee was the last to find out.

I'm not saying this is true in ALL cases. This has been true for me sooo many times. Friends, as well. So, while a lot of people here are trying to sort out their break-up and wondering how the ex could so easily move on when it ended on no real merit...well, I hop ewhat I ssaid above enlightens you a little.

Of course, most on this forum don't like generalizations and believe their relationship is not anything like I mention above. And yet, many are still on here many months and years later wondering why that ex who said "I love you" just days before the break-up are not running back.

...because he has such a large ego.

No. It's because he just doesn't want you anymore. As hard as that may be to imagine, that's what happens when it's over.

Getting you may have even been the height of his ego streak, now that his ego is deflated he no longer cares about being with whatever you were to him when he was with you - you may have been his ego boost... or now he's with a bigger ego boost - or who knows. Either way, the point of the matter is, he just doesn't want to be with you any more. Yesterday you were his fillet mignon, now you're just chopped liver and he doesn't eat chopped liver...

Hence, recovering the relationship seems folly...

No. It's because he just doesn't want you anymore. As hard as that may be to imagine, that's what happens when it's over.

 

Getting you may have even been the height of his ego streak, now that his ego is deflated he no longer cares about being with whatever you were to him when he was with you - you may have been his ego boost... or now he's with a bigger ego boost - or who knows. Either way, the point of the matter is, he just doesn't want to be with you any more. Yesterday you were his fillet mignon, now you're just chopped liver and he doesn't eat chopped liver...

 

Hence, recovering the relationship seems folly...

I don't deny that recovering the relationship isn't a good idea. If you ask me now if anyone should try to get their ex back, I'd definitely say no. When it's over, it's over. But this is someone I had dated for 2 years, so I think I had a good idea of what kind of person he was. He broke down crying when we were breaking up for weeks, so I know it wasn't an easy decision, but that was the best for us. He also admitted that he didn't want to create any contact with his ex-girlfriend when he still had some lingering feelings for her because her affluent dad despised him/his financial situation and made some victorious remark about their break-up, and that was too humiliating for him. But then again, the fact that she was the dumper might have contributed to that decision of his as well, who knows. None of this really matters now anyway.

thankyou so much for this insight.... im now at the stage where i don't want people to be nice and sugar coat things, i need to read things like this - the cold hard truth to help remind myself that moving forward is definitely the right thing, trying to rationalise his behaviour at the end is pointless - i know there was a reason we broke up and why he hasn't tried to come back - i know this! but sometimes i just need to be told to help keep my runaway thoughts in check....

I had an ex that cheated on me and it was really bad. For one, we knew each other since we were kids (our parents were friends) and granted, our relationships was very short and long distance, we still loved each other no less. so when we broke up (due to him cheating) it was horrible. we didnt talk for months and i think he wanted to give me time, he knew how badly he screwed up. when we started talking again and every time we talked after that he wouldnt shut up about how bad he felt and how he wishes he hadnt screwed everything up, even years later. after it a while it was like 'dude, thanks for feeling bad but shut up already. lol' but i do think though that he really did feel bad or else he would have just let it go. i havent talked to him in years but the last time we talked he STILL went on about it

Oh dear Seoulmate

That makes a lot more sense though. I’m inclined to believe that’s what happened in my case. But it was so blindsiding in that he was coming on heavier than normal and being very extra with the love that week…He did stuff like called me to hear ask my opinion about a random campaign and half way through when I realized he didn’t seem to care about it he said he just wanted to hear me talk and go off on my intelligent talk (he thought I was the smartest person in the world)… Other extremely thoughtful things and then the night before when he was drunk…said he adored me.

In all of this I was the less ‘romantic’ person – He even mentioned that week that I never told him I missed him unless he said it first (talk less of saying ‘I love you’- I’m not the most expressive person… Lol)

And then when he ended things... sent me a text the next day saying he loved me- which as you can imagine prolonged everything slightly. But I know for sure guys who love you don’t let you go.

To be fair, we’d had a bust up in the past where he misconstrued me saying we shouldn’t rush things (he wanted to give me keys to his house) as me using him for sex; I wasn’t. When I asked if that would be the end he still didn’t let me go even though I could see I had hurt him (I didn’t mean to  . He hugged me tightly that day….

Anyway… enough reminiscing; I think it’s good to give an honest insight into this as most people will try to justify something. I haven’t contacted him in a while… don’t remember when but he said we need to give things time to cool down and then I called and text him- no reply. I know how to take hints thank you very much. Sometimes when I get a text I wonder if it is him and I would like to stay in touch but it won’t kill me if he doesn’t. It’s been two months since we broke up and I’m doing well. Even met the first guy I was attracted to at first sight… but I don’t even know his name. Such a start. I’m digressing.

Just for the record, I think it is unfair to take the approach of waiting for the woman to slip up to end things. It’s cowardly. If you are having doubts then have some respect and just tell her. I don’t know what kind of women you date but I remember telling my ex ‘it would have been so much easier if we’d just had this talk in the first place than going off after an argument.’ If she’s sensible, honestly she’ll respect your decision and leave you be however difficult it is. Just saying

Words of wisdom. I dumped a few men in my life and this is how I felt a few months ( or even a year ) into the actual moment I uttered the words, " I want to break up ". I was immature in waiting for months to break it up, but during those months, I was still trying to work out the emotions and thoughts that were raging deep inside me. The other side of it was that I was scared too of the uncertainty of being alone.....and the other part of that fear was how would they react ( Would they throw a vicious tantrum? Would they erode into a bumbling mess of emotions, tears and snot where the discomfort is worse than being yelled at? ).

But deep down inside, these were my thoughts and feelings for months before the actual moment of break up :

1. I wished that they would actually cheat on me or find someone else before me so I didn't have to go through the ugly actions of dumping.

2. I started fights so that I can see them in a much more negative light and wouldn't have to feel guilty once I utter the words. It was a win-win situation : Rationalisation and justification all in one stone.

3. I felt disgust with the guy I am about to dump......AND MYSELF. I cringed or even froze up when they attempted to be affectionate. I couldn't wait to be out of the house to hang out with friends. When I was out, I didn't think about them one bit nor did I miss them. In one case, I even moved to a different CONTINENT to start my career and didn't call him for weeks. I actually felt happy and liberated when they weren't around, even if they were not the possessive types. However, at the end of the night, I also felt utterly disgusted with myself. I felt the guilt boiling inside me and I am very aware of my then horrible, mean ways.

4. I actually PRAYED ( and I am an atheist ) for them to dump me.

5. I got annoyed / angry everytime they would bring up the " joys and wonders of our past relationship ".

THE MOMENT OF BREAK UP

1. The analogy : It's like jumping off a cliff into the deep, blue, cool ocean on a hot summer day when you're on vacation : You are ECSTATIC to jump off it for the thrill, the excitement of doing something new and different...but when you look down, there is an intense fear. You stay on the edge, keep on looking down and wondering if you are actually going to do it. You WANT to dive into those deep, blue, cool waters....but you are so scared to do it in fear of what COULD happen ( you hit a rock down below, you chicken out and hesitate at the last moment of the jump and fall badly, the water is too cold etc ). However, you get a moment of adrenaline and you bolt for it, jumping high and straight into the water. You feel a rush of emotions as you feel the gravity pull you through ( fear, anxiety, excitement, weakening ) and then you feel the water. The water feels great on your skin. You look up at the cliff edge and realise, " Holy crap...I DID IT! It feels GREAT! Whooooo! "

2. Do I second guess myself? Of course I do. It's like thinking about climbing up that cliff again and doing it all over again...but in the end, you just take the moment and swim along nicely.

Not afraid, but I'm just through, I'm done with the situation and I don't choose to be a victim of my past. Usually, once a relationship is over with me, there ain't no friends or hanging out or FWB'ing until something else comes along. I go right into no-contact, cold turkey until she's out of my system.

FOR THOSE WHO SAY THAT THEY HAVE BEEN " BLIND SIDED " BY THE BREAK UP :

I find this difficult to accept bc people are never just " blind sided ". We are sentient beings and I am pretty sure that we FEEL differences in the way our lovers or significant others have changed. The only fault in us is that we CHOOSE TO IGNORE BY RATIONALISING certain actions that clue you in that he or she HAS changed. For example, I have a dear friend who was recently dumped by her husband for 13 years. She kept on saying that she had NO IDEA OR INKLING that it was coming for they were together for years before marriage and were really each other's first love. However, now that she is over him she retrospectively analyses the relationship and realises now that THERE WERE VERY STRONG SIGNS that she chose to ignore partly bc of mind-numbing shock.

I know that I dumped many men before but I was dumped by one or two as well. I remember that I DID see the end coming but chose to ignore them. Here are the signs that a relationship is over and you are about to get dumped :

1. Somehow, you cannot talk to him as easily as you once did. There is a growing inhibition in your communication. When you try to talk to him, he shuts down or it turns into a circular argument.

2. You feel neglected. You rationalise by saying, " Oh, he's getting too busy at work ", or , " Oh, he has a lot on his mind ", or " Oh, he has a lot of family issues to deal with ". But remember when you were first dating and YOU were the first one to know about all the stresses he had in life bc he thought of you as his sanctuary / his refuge / his source of happiness and comfort?

3. This is in conjunction with No. 2 above. You are the last to know what is going on with him. He seems to be expressing his emotions, thoughts to other people ( best friends, relatives, other people at work, other WOMEN ).

4. There is a change in how you connect sexually. Most people say that the sex becomes less. I don't necessarily attribute it to this bc there are men and women who can f*ck numerous times and not mean it. If you feel a bit of " tension " or even a slight sense that you are not connecting, then something is off bc sex is INSTINCTUAL. For example, you used to hold hands or kiss when you guys had sex and now it feels like a " Wham, bam, thank you ma'am " type of deal. Or when you say something like " I love you " during a moment of intimacy, he doesn't say anything or looks away while pumping away.

5. He becomes critical of you. In a social setting, he seems to distance himself away or even screws up his face when you crack a joke or say something. You feel like he is slightly embarassed of you. In private, he doesn't talk much or he criticises you.

6. He starts fights. You sometimes look at him in shock, wondering how he can be so cold and different, when you guys fight.

7. He has stopped saying " I love you ".....or the " I love you " has turned to something like, " Love you "....or " You too "....or " Same "....or " Ditto "....or nothing...just a smile and then looks away or changes the subject. And most telling is this, you have started to ask him the question, " Do you love me ? " so as to instigate some sort of " I love you " from him.

8. He shows annoyance in not just what you do but what your family and friends do.

Did I see all these signs? Of course I did. Did I ignore them? Yes, I did. There were many nights and months where I would cry myself to sleep and then wake up the next day, putting on a brave face as if everything is ok. Friends would ask me how things are and I would give them hints that not everything is alright but then rationalise the situation. Of course, they all knew what I was doing ( hiding from the reality )....but this is what we do in survival mode. We tend to " shut down " and take ourselves out of the situation and pretend that it's not really happening when in fact, it is.

If I was the dumper, the only trouble i've had reaching out was the fear that if i did, he would take it seriously or to mean that he had a chance of getting back with me when i didn't want that and just wanted to be friends. So i'd avoid reaching out for fear that he'd misunderstand and keep hanging on or expect more of me than i wanted to give. I'd want him to heal and find someone for himself and would not contact him because i wanted him to move on.

I would have no trouble at all reaching out if i decided i really wanted to get back with the person again.

Wow....I am sorry to say this as a dumpee but you are sooooo right in your analogy seoulmate. It all makes perfect sense. My husband was probably looking for a way out for a long time and when I cursed him out (for something that he said/did) he ran with that. Perfect opportunity for him for something that was probably building for awhile. Everything you said was spot on. He moved on emotionally/mentally prob way b4 so it gave him a head start. Even as my husband he always kept me at "arms length" even though we were married - he always wanted his freedom to do his dirty. We did not have the typical marriage (we were living apart for some time - read my previous posts) so this in fact made it that much easier to leave and STAY GONE. Your post was a real eye opener for me.

Thanks.

I would have no trouble at all reaching out if i decided i really wanted to get back with the person again.

And that is all that needs to be said.If you truly wanted to then there are no if's or butt's about it.

It's been two months, I have forgiven him and let go with love, my rose tinted glasses are long gone and I have looked back in hindsight and can safely say I was blindsided. Tried to give me keys to his house, talked about marrying me amongst other things - we were together 6 months. He was the one pushing- even admitted he liked me a lot more than I liked him and wanted constant reassurance that I loved him. So really... it wouldn't have worked out later on.

You can't generalize every situation. My friend wants his ex back but she's so no-nonsense that we are all almost positive she won't even listen to him so he's going about unhappy because there's no point. And there are quite a few others like that. To be honest, depending on how I broke up with a person I might not contact them if I wanted to get back after I treated them badly. But then again I don't do things like- I'm friends with my ex before this one. I believe in being civil to someone you cared about (a la Bruce Willis and Demi Moore) and practicising self control and discipline in dealing with them- different strokes for different folks but I believe people treat each other like **** way too easily. Shame really. Life could be so much easier.

I noticed pretty much all of these signs in the way my ex treated me. I gave him the opportunity to end it several times - when he was unhappy, I said to him 'well then leave now, don't drag this on, it's not fair to lead me on like this if you don't know for sure that you want me'. Each time he said he didn't want to finish it, that we had too much, yet even though he said this.............I stayed. stayed and put up with the misery and was a shadow of my former self while I was with him, for so long. So back in february, I stopped ignoring all the signs, and ended it. Abruptly, for sure. I have not for a moment regretted my decision. maybe the way I ended it, I've regretted that at times, but then I rationalise that decision too, and always come to the conclusion that I had no other choice. things would have kept going and never changed until eventually he made up his mind to leave me one day, and I'd have been worse off for that again. I often wondered, with all those signs, if he was just trying to get me to end it so he wouldn't have to be the bad guy. But then the way he responded in the few weeks after the break-up make me doubt that again. he kept trying to get me to talk, but when it was finished for me, it was done and that was that, I didn't want to see or talk to him. I mailed him my reasons and that was it.

the fact that I'm the dumper - I'm not afraid to reach out to him. If I truly wanted to reach out to him, I would. I posted here the other day about craving contact from him. I do crave contact from him. and I'm not afraid to contact him. I just can't see a good reason to do it. there is no point. I want to know how he is feeling. But I think for me that is idle curiosity. and you know what they say about curiosity...................curiosity killed the cat!!!! so it's weird, I want to know how he is feeling now after exactly half a year broken up. but only if it had no consequence to my feelings or my progress if that makes sense. Meaning, I really want to find out that I broke his heart. Cruel? for sure. But I'm a forced dumper. Meaning I am in a limbo between having made the decision to end it because I couldn't take the relationship anymore, I got sick of it........But I only got sick of it because he neglected me and took me for granted and it hurt too much to stay. So in reality, although I made the decision, I assume because he seemed to care so little that he is probably further along in getting over it than I am. And I hate that. But I'm most likely right. I have always been right when it came to how he felt about me at all times. far more articulate about how he felt about me than he ever was. so yes, I assume he is further along in healing than I am. And so I do not want to know how he is, because all I imagine knowing would do, is hurt me more and set me back. URGH. There seems no justice in that. I hurt in the relationship, and I hurt after it. And he's probably fine. I, the dumper, will not contact my ex, not because I'm afraid to, but because no good can come of it. ever. And I also promised myself the minute I ended it, that I would never ever be the first to contact him again, because during the relationship, if we fought, I was always the first to buckle and apologise, even if it wasn't my fault, because when I'd rationalise things, I would make excuses for his behaviour all the time, and assume I'd riled him for some reason. So I won't do that anymore. And I'll never apologise for any hurt I caused him in the end, because he NEVER apologised to me, so why should I? there's my ten cents!

It's been a year, I have no reason to reach out to him. He is always dating other girls and I have no desire to talk to him again after the pain he caused me. He was my first love, and he was "the only one who had enough of me to break my heart", and he did. When I broke up with him, I broke his heart too But he told me he doesn't give second chances, so I have no choice to stand by my decision. No matter how hard that decision was...

I saw that signs, but in me... A few on him, but most of them I was feeling and doing it... And still here I am, trying to figure out how to get back with him... maybe...