Met him after 6 years of online communication, heart in pieces

It was the most exciting, erotic, romantic, emotional week of my life. No matter what happens from here, I will never forget or regret any of it. Here goes...

Have been communicating online on and off for about 6 years, without ever seeing each other aside from (many and long) skype calls, exchanged pictures etc. Over 5 years of that time there was only some very mild flirting (never going beyond you have really nice hair etc). The subject of discussion was entirely different and girl and boy became friends (girl/boy 21/34 ages at the time). Boy was always kind, caring, helpful and was there for the girl in some times of need. Even helped the girl learn another language etc. There were many jokes surrounding marriage and the two of them, but they were never discussed/considered seriously mainly because of the distance and infeasibility of the situation. Fast forward 5 years...

(Now girl/boy 27/40) They start getting more attracted to each other and for the first time more seriously considering meeting. Girl is already headed for a nearby country to the boy and they plan a meeting in the country she will visit. When they meet there are a lot of expectations. It feels like the earth shatters. They hug, they smile, they laugh, they talk, they go for long walks, they stare and smile. Mid trip they slowly start getting worried/sad. The distance is/will be a big issue obviously. They share a romantic, emotional moment both with tears in eyes where boy tells girl "We have to try". Girl is more than willing to try and has already hinted she will make sacrifices. However boy does not think that is a great idea. He lives in an area not economically stable with nearly no opportunities for the girl and doesn't feel comfortable with it. He is also unwilling to relocate. He is in the process of a series of interviews with a very good company that will possibly land him in X city. X city is a feasible, likely option for girl who is soon to graduate. Boy is very insecure/pessimistic about this job as well as himself in general.

The real issue:

During their week stay together girl hears from guy: "I cannot have a relationship. I am not able to have a relationship. I do not want a relationship." He explains how he has some phycological problems (some depression related) that he is medicated for that does not allow him to have successful romantic relationships. That he 'hurts' people. Cannot give them the attention they deserve. He also says he really likes the girl, and if he could, she would be one of the best candidates for a relationship. He says he wanted to meet because he hasn't tried in a long time and thought that MAYBE he could have a relationship with her but has decided he cannot. Girl asks if X city works out, how would he feel about being in the same city (and trying for a relationship). Answers vary from yes to we shouldn't, it wouldn't work etc.

Girl and boy cry together almost 2 full days after that discussion. (No food, no water, no daylight) Try talking but it leads nowhere. Each talk leads to more confusion. Boy is sometimes contradictory (sometimes there is a bit of hope and sometimes there is none). There are discussions of 'disappearing' so that they just give up and move on. Neither is keen on that, but what are the other options here?

Boy gives girl a bracelet that he is attached to (he hasn't taken it off in years). He takes it off and alters it to fit her wrist. They talk about what it means for both of them that she keeps it on.

Their last day together girl gathers courage and asks: If I wanted to visit you in your hometown, would you want that? (This had been discussed long before, but never actually brought up during the meet). Boy says YES! He is glad she asked and that he wanted to find a way to ask. He says he has already planned what activities they will do together. He says it is easier, less scary for him to make small plans (small commitments) like this. The last day is happier than the previous two and they smile and laugh and talk and kiss like nothing is wrong. After all they will soon re-unite.

As they get closer and closer to his takeoff for home, girl gets more and more confused. Can she really accept seeing someone and exposing her heart for someone who is so certain that 'he does not want a relationship'? Everything else screams out loud that he does and he is just insecure but is this just the girl convincing herself? The boy is being clear: I do not want a relationship. But then he is sending a very small dose of hope: It could happen. If it happens with anyone it would be with you. It's hard for me not to see/contact you therefore if you wanted I would be to weak to say no.

Hours before the flight the girl takes off bracelet. Tells him that she cannot. She cannot come to boys home town for someone who is so sure he doesn't want a relationship. This is very hard for the girl to say/do. And maybe it was a bluff (was it?). To get him to reconsider. Teary eyes on both ends as he leaves. Both their voices quiver. "Until next time" he can barely say without breaking up. And he's gone.

What do I do? What do I do? Please help.

He has said that when he thinks of what would make him happy (in general) he does not know. We have also shared an intimate moment when hugging when both of us were so happy and expressing it openly. He referred to the moment implying that considering his confusion about how to be happy, that moment meant something for him. Yet when asked about a relationship he says: The side of me that wants to keep at least one of our feet on the ground says I am not relationship material. The other side of me says that there is always a possibility.

WHAT DO I DO? Although I think I know what most will say...

It's unfortunate you had to deal with this but you need to just accept the fact that this is a person that was fishing for a detached online relationship. Once things got too close and personal, he ran for the hills...at least emotionally. Somewhere inside he wants to be able to have a relationship with you but there's some major damage somewhere in his life that he cannot get past, as such he's too afraid to even try no matter how much he may want to.

Needless to say, avoid long term cyber relationships. If you cannot make the relationship become "real" within a few months, or at least visit each other then it's all just a fantasy. You start to live in a dream world where somehow this person online is going to click with you on a weekly/daily basis. Usually they aren't and they're much different people when the screen is taken away and you see every facet of their persona.

I would walk away from this, to make a long distance relationship work it takes 100% dedication and resolve from both members. If even one person has doubts about it, it's game over. It's just sad to see you waste so much time on someone who in reality wasn't the person he was leading you to believe he is. I have no doubt you're hurting from this, you've put a lot of time (too much time) and effort into something that just isn't going to pan out without some serious priority changes from him. You cannot make him do this and he's already stated to you quite clearly what his priorities are. Online relationship...sure. Real one? He wants no part of it. My recommendation is to waste not a day more of your life on him. There's men that would love to have a close personal relationship with you that live right around the corner. Eventually you'll realize that.

What you do is stop wasting any more time on something that will go nowhere. You're still in your 20s, but you won't want to be squandering any more time.

Honestly the whole thing seems like a bad soap opera, no offense. 5 years from now it probably won't appear to be nearly as poetic as it must now.

Good luck.

First of all ... *hugs!* I can only imagine how this feels for you. I've been through earth-shattering heartbreak before, but it's different for everyone.

You need to believe him when he says he will not have a relationship with you. Try to put aside the crying, the dramatics, and the romance of being in a foreign country together. I'm not saying those don't matter, but they do cloud the reality of the visit. The outcome was: He will not have a relationship with you. Ignore the "I can't do it" talk. He may feel that's true, but if he wanted it badly enough he would at least try. That's just the truth, hun. And I'm so, so sorry to have to say it.

What makes you say that you "are not relationship material"? This has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with him. The fact is, he is not willing to try.

One thing is that I want to make it clear that this wasn't an online romantic reationship for the whole 6 years. 5+ of those years was spent just talking about neutral things, helping each other with small tasks. A lot of time was spent me telling him about my feelings for another man. He would listen for hours, help, teach me his language (which was also the language of the other man) etc.

I'm not sure if that matters for the sake of the discussion, but I wanted to clarify that.

One thing is that I want to make it clear that this wasn't an online romantic reationship for the whole 6 years. 5+ of those years was spent just talking about neutral things, helping each other with small tasks. A lot of time was spent me telling him about my feelings for another man. He would listen for hours, help, teach me his language (which was also the language of the other man) etc.

 

I'm not sure if that matters for the sake of the discussion, but I wanted to clarify that.

It really doesn't unfortunately. At most what you had with him was a glorified pen pal that you developed emotional feelings for. I have no doubts that he developed some feelings for you as well, misguided ones but nevertheless I'm sure they were there. The only reason he's giving you any kind of wishy washy vibe is because he doesn't want to lose his online friend. Not because he actually wants a real relationship with you. There's a reason it stayed as that for 5+ years...he didn't want anything more than that and he still doesn't.

The difference is, now you're emotionally invested in him and you need to back off completely and put those energies into a person who wants to reciprocate them.

I meant to write those as his words. I did not have the energy to edit, I'm sorry if I wasn't clear.

He is also very afraid/guilty of hurting me. He told me a story about his sister and how he doesn't want me to feel/end up that way. But I know you are right, that if he wanted to enough he would try and nothing (even fear of hurting me) would stand in his way. That is why I told him in the end I cannot go to his hometown. I told him that considering he said he does not want a relationship it would be like stabbing myself in the back. He mumbled it is not that certain he doesn't want it 100%. But I don't know if that is enough for me. Him mumbling under his breath an ounce of a hope.

It really doesn't unfortunately. At most what you had with him was a glorified pen pal that you developed emotional feelings for. I have no doubts that he developed some feelings for you as well, misguided ones but nevertheless I'm sure they were there. The only reason he's giving you any kind of wishy washy vibe is because he doesn't want to lose his online friend. Not because he actually wants a real relationship with you. There's a reason it stayed as that for 5+ years...he didn't want anything more than that.

At that point neither did I. It was even less possible then.

At that point neither did I. It was even less possible then.

I actually edited my post a little bit. Still though, now you do and usually once that cat is let out of the bag the relationship changes irrevocably. Now you have a choice on whether to continue a relationship with someone who wants no part of taking it any further, or you move on. Logically, it's an easy decision. Give it time and stop communicating with him and you'll realize this.

I actually edited my post a little bit. Still though, now you do and usually once that cat is let out of the bag the relationship changes irrevocably. Now you have a choice on whether to continue a relationship with someone who wants no part of taking it any further, or you move on. Logically, it's an easy decision. Give it time and stop communicating with him and you'll realize this.

I know what you are saying is true. (I just am having trouble coming to grips with it). That is why I did what I did and told him I cannot visit his hometown. That is why I took of the bracelet - I think that is one of the hardest things I've had to do.

Also there are 2 thingsI don't understand/makes me angry.

1. How can he be sad/emotional like me. He doesn't want a relationship with me. So what gives him the right to be sad?

2. How can he continually give me hope and snatch it back?

"We have to try" - "I do not want a relationship" (then try WHAT exactly?)

"I am not so certain I do not want it"

Yeah, a mumbled uncertainty is not even close to being enough for such a major life change.

Well visiting his hometown for a week and meeting his friends is not a major life change for me. It's another chance to see him and either get more clarification (or more confused).

The other problem I am having is with hope. Because of the mumblings, and also because I just have problems letting go in general I still carry hope. I almost think I declined the hometown visit as a bluff to see if he would offer me something more, realize he doesn't want to lose me etc. I'm so confused.

I know what you are saying is true. (I just am having trouble coming to grips with it). That is why I did what I did and told him I cannot visit his hometown. That is why I took of the bracelet - I think that is one of the hardest things I've had to do.

 

Also there are 2 thingsI don't understand/makes me angry.

 

1. How can he be sad/emotional like me. He doesn't want a relationship with me. So what gives him the right to be sad?

2. How can he continually give me hope and snatch it back?

"We have to try" - "I do not want a relationship" (then try WHAT exactly?)

"I am not so certain I do not want it"

It's always difficult when you put yourself out there emotionally. You'll be fine in time.

Well, from my perspective it seems as if this is a person who kind of fell through the cracks socially (at least in terms of having close intimate relationships). Usually people who pursue strictly online relationships do so for a reason, it's because they cannot function (as he openly admitted to you) in a real one. I have no doubts he valued your friendship online very much, as such he was going along with it because he didn't want to lose a friend.

Just take it for what it is, he did you a huge favor and directly told you he's not cut out for real relationships. Take that as a gift and run, the only sad part is you wasted a lot of time to learn this. I know it wasn't 6 years but nobody should even waste one year on someone they haven't even met. Just be cautious in the future with online relationships.

*edit*

Also the hardest thing to let go is the dream/fantasy of what it COULD have been like. The image you developed in your mind over time. Eventually in time it will fade, but it is difficult to let go of at first.

I just keep wanting him to change his mind. I don't know, I cannot give up. The only reason I want to give up is to make him reconsider.

Am I not supposed to talk to him now?

I just keep wanting him to change his mind. I don't know, I cannot give up. The only reason I want to give up is to make him reconsider.

 

Am I not supposed to talk to him now?

He clearly told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. If you want to move on past this and save yourself an extended period of putting your heart in a blender...I would stop talking to him as if you broke up with someone.

This is true and he has admitted it in his own words. Part of his problem is that he cannot be happy. There will be days that he will stay in bed and never come out. But when we were together it was all so nice and he WAS happy. It even surprised him. So I can't help thinking I CAN and WANT TO make him happy. I know of course I can't make him want it too.

I also get sad thinking he will be alone forever and miserable when we could both have been so happy together. I know this is a bit optimistic and fairy tale version of things in my head.

This is true and he has admitted it in his own words. Part of his problem is that he cannot be happy. There will be days that he will stay in bed and never come out. But when we were together it was all so nice and he WAS happy. It even surprised him. So I can't help thinking I CAN and WANT TO make him happy. I know of course I can't make him want it too.

 

I also get sad thinking he will be alone forever and miserable when we could both have been so happy together. I know this is a bit optimistic and fairy tale version of things in my head.

And this is exactly right. You know deep down that you cannot change either who he is or what he wants. In your head you move to him and you both live happily ever after. Unfortunately when dealing with a depressed person this is never the case. Eventually instead of you both becoming happy together, you'd just end up being dragged into his abyss. This is the reality of it. To his credit at least he's giving you fair warning first, I would heed it and run.

He clearly told you he doesn't want a relationship with you. If you want to move on past this and save yourself an extended period of putting your heart in a blender...I would stop talking to him as if you broke up with someone.

I know this is the best advice. I just have such a problem accepting it. What do you think about the following plan:

Do not write to him (but also do not try to block, become invisible etc). IF he writes, reply with this:

Please don't write to me unless you would like me to visit [insert his hometown], for the specific purpose of talking about how we can work together on having a relationship. I am sorry that I cannot accept anything less and disappointed that you cannot offer anything comparable.

(Maybe the last sentence is unnecessary).

And this is exactly right. You know deep down that you cannot change either who he is or what he wants. In your head you move to him and you both live happily ever after. Unfortunately when dealing with a depressed person this is never the case. Eventually instead of you both becoming happy together, you'd just end up being dragged into his abyss. This is the reality of it. To his credit at least he's giving you fair warning first, I would heed it and run.

I have also been depressed. I moved on from it and got better. Maybe I could have helped him. Although I was never medicated for it. I do remember however spending days in bed, never opening the blinds, not showering or leaving the house for days, etc.

I know this is the best advice. I just have such a problem accepting it. What do you think about the following plan:

 

Do not write to him (but also do not try to block, become invisible etc). IF he writes, reply with this:

 

Please don't write to me unless you would like me to visit [insert his hometown], for the specific purpose of talking about how we can work together on having a relationship. I am sorry that I cannot accept anything less and disappointed that you cannot offer anything comparable.

 

(Maybe the last sentence is unnecessary).

I think that is a perfect way to go about it. Most importantly you need to drop any and all expectations from him. Chances are that is never going to happen and he's just going to keep throwing you breadcrumbs so you don't abandon him. Don't fall for that and stick with what you said. If you don't think you have the willpower to do this, don't contact him at all and delete/block him completely.

Well, who knows what you are "supposed" to do?

I can tell you, though, that you need to come to terms with this. He may have given you a few breadcrumbs of hope, but his overarching message was that he does not want a relationship with you. You are zeroing in on these tiny things (the mumbling, etc), and hanging on to them for dear life. But really, those were not what he was trying to tell you. In spite of all the emotion and drama ... He still insisted that he doesn't want a relationship with you. Whether he's 100% sure or not is irrelevant, because he was sure enough to tell you he didn't want you.

Pursuing this would be emotionally exhausting and most likely fruitless. Is there a chance he'd end up wanting to be with you? Of course. But there's also a chance you will be struck by lightning three times before the end of the year. These things are possible, but the contradictory evidence is overwhelming.

Ultimately, the choice to pursue or not to pursue, is yours. You've already taken the step to meet him, and this is what happened. If you want to dedicate even more years of your limited time on earth to this man -- a man who does not want you -- then go right ahead. I hope it's worth it to you, whatever the outcome.

I do hope you find the strength to accept the hand you've been dealt.

I think that is a perfect way to go about it. Most importantly you need to drop any and all expectations from him. Chances are that is never going to happen and he's just going to keep throwing you breadcrumbs so you don't abandon him. Don't fall for that and stick with what you said. If you don't think you have the willpower to do this, don't contact him at all and delete/block him completely.

The problem with that is that we have had other arguments in the past year and been through the block/unblock/talk/not talk mess more than a few times. The problem is that if I block I am always tempted to add back (I know it's horrible). So maybe if I don't block and always know he CAN write if he wants to, he CAN see I'm online etc. and tell him to only write in the above circumstances... then maybe I can stick to my decision easier. Does that make any sense?

I have also been depressed. I moved on from it and got better. Maybe I could have helped him. Although I was never medicated for it. I do remember however spending days in bed, never opening the blinds, not showering or leaving the house for days, etc.

Maybe...but he doesn't want your help or he wouldn't have pushed you away. You cannot help someone who doesn't want to help themselves and chances are...he wouldn't have changed and in turn you'd be sharing in his depression eventually.

Do not write to him (but also do not try to block, become invisible etc). IF he writes, reply with this:

 

Please don't write to me unless you would like me to visit [insert his hometown], for the specific purpose of talking about how we can work together on having a relationship. I am sorry that I cannot accept anything less and disappointed that you cannot offer anything comparable.

Flawless. Please do this.

The problem with that is that we have had other arguments in the past year and been through the block/unblock/talk/not talk mess more than a few times. The problem is that if I block I am always tempted to add back (I know it's horrible). So maybe if I don't block and always know he CAN write if he wants to, he CAN see I'm online etc. and tell him to only write in the above circumstances... then maybe I can stick to my decision easier. Does that make any sense?

The bottom line is, you need to move on one way or the other. If you end up dangling from his line for another year you just wasted it. Move on with your life and stick to exactly what you said you'd tell him above and accept nothing less.