Jump to content

How do I do this?


Recommended Posts

I am 7 weeks preg and the babys father is not together with me. We had been on and off for 2 years but he kept going back to his previous girlfriend before me...He told me he would like me to have an abortion, but I do not lknow how I actually feel yet, its only been 2 wks since Ive known...I do not have a stable job, and I do have bills to pay, however I do pay my own rent and bills and don't normally borrow money from anybody, however I am still young and do not have a clue what I want to do in life.

 

The thought of being a mother both excites me and terrifies me. He told me, no matter what decision he will be there for me and the baby, however he feels I will put him into debt with child support. I am more hung up on the fact that him and I aren't together and that I would love a 2nd chance, however, this would honestly be out 10th time trying, but he did say, it would make since for us to try again one last time for this baby....he told me he doesn't want to be a dad, but then he talked about the positives about being one and what gender of child he'd like and opened up about the possibility, but it was a short few sentences...He mostly talked about how it'd ruin both of our lifes.....So yea, its tough. He told me his family told him no and that I should abort it, but I don't have proof of that, that is just what he told me.

 

I am in a rough spot because I am a christian and do have strong beliefs and am pro-life, however with the circumstances, I am undecided...I feel like if I have it, I will always have part of him and I will care of this child more than I do myself, I already know it! However....I fear failing

This has been a long journey in my life and my reprocussions have finally caught up with me.

Link to comment
  • Replies 111
  • Created
  • Last Reply

You need to be Honest regarding the real reasons for going thru' with the pregnancy. If it is to keep him in your life forever, on some scale, then your motives are warped and IMO it will bring more distress for everyone.

If he doesnt really want to be a dad - you should REALLY listen to this. It is tough being a parent even if circumstances are ideal and I think resentment will build up over time with financial and other stresses imposed on him.

The only way to make this decision is if you still want the child with a view that he is NOT in your life. Imagine being completely alone in this situation ( there is a possability of this ) - Would you want to go thru' with it then?

Do not allow romantic, fanciful thinking to cloud the harsh realities involved.

Was the pregnancy an accident or something you desired or a subconscious thing in a effort to keep him?

 

 

Also it is possible that being a Father may cause him to RUN back into the arms of his ex!

Link to comment

He says he wants to try again for the baby and then in the next breath says he doesn't want to be a dad. Please please please don't think that this baby will magically bring you two back together. At the end of the day he is still an ass for everything he has put you through. I would never advise you one way or the other as to what you should do, all I can say is don't expect him to do anything for you.

Link to comment

Okay I'll be honest and say that having a baby will just make matters worse. It won't bring you back together, it will just put more stress on the relationship. Have an abortion or don't have one, it is entirely your choice. But i will say this. i'm a young female and i look at my friends who have had kids and are single mothers and my life is a lot better than theirs. being a single mum is not fun when you aren't financially stable. babies are very expensive and only get more expensive as they get older. i would not place much faith in this guy because when it comes down to it, you are going to be the main caregiver of the child regardless of whether he is present or not. that is no light task. all the young single mothers i know, ALL wish they had not kept their pregnancies. they love their kids but they wish they had waited. i say all of this with the best intentions. take him out of the picture and look at what YOU want. do you want to go through with a pregnancy to a guy that may not be their at the end? why not wait until you are in a stable relationship with someone who stands by you and 100% wants a kid with you? You've got to think about it in those terms.

Link to comment

I completely agree, do NOT romanticize this. I'm having a baby with a man who wanted children(allegedly), and he has become my new nightmare. I refused to go back to the relationship and there's been hell to pay with that, I tell you that. He wants a paternity test, he never calls, he calls the baby 'it', he says he wishes it never happened, and he treats me like trash, we can't even have a civil conversation about ANYTHING pertaining to our son. I've tried to involve him 16 ways from Sunday, because I thought his main concern would be that I wouldn't want him around. Oh, but I do. Not as in a relationship with me, but to be present for the baby, absolutely. I was way wrong, sweetie. HE just doesn't want to be there. I predict I will be doing this alone and am acting and preparing accordingly.

 

As Ms. D said, count on nothing but court-ordered child support should you decide to keep your baby. I also agree not to get caught up in whimsical romantic ideals. That not only will hurt you, but it will hurt your child, too. Children are the ones that suffer the most at the hand of our mistakes.

 

Listen to what this guy is telling you. I only wish my h could have been that upfront with me from the start. It is still ultimately your choice, but he doesn't want to be a father and he thinks a baby will ruin your lives. Prepare for him to X himself out of the equation should you continue with your pregnancy...Certainly not some last ditch effort to keep you two together, thinking the miracle of a new life will build or strengthen your bond...No.

Link to comment

Sooo....Even thought him and I have talked about in the past, you still think he will not want me or this baby...I wish things were different with us and I swear

I'd make an amazing mother. Not all of my maternal instincts are developed yet, but I know how to care for people I love. I know how to cook very well when

I put in the effort, just ....He cheated on me and this would be the perfect way to say goodbye to his ex gf for good. I just want to be the only girl he wants or depends on

and right now, he also depends on her and its stressful and irritating when you love someone so much. Putting the baby out of the picture, do you think if I have the abort,

will he ever come back to me or just run further for the hills? He told me whn I choose, he will be there for me either way, will take me out to eat or go somewhere, talk or I can just tell him goodbye for good.

 

Im torn, really am...

Link to comment

I will reiterate what Ms. Darcy said... do NOT count on him for anything other than the child support. If you have this baby you WILL be a single mother.

 

Why on earth are you wanting to get back together with someone who has broken up with you 10 times already? Why in gods name would you put up with that?? People are deserving of loving, stable, fulfilling relationships, and you are doing no service to yourself (or womankind, for that matter) for taking back this louse.

 

There is no way of telling what would happen with him if you were to have an abortion... but that should not be part of your decision making process! Seriously, the guy keeps jerking you around and going back to his ex - kick him to the curb and be done with him! You can do so much better than that!

 

I can tell you that if I were in your position, I would give my child up for adoption. Sure, it would be gut-wrenchingly hard, but so is abortion. The way I see it, those two options are your only alternatives to being a single mother. And I would not want to be a young, single mother. Sure you'd be a great mom but I too have seen how difficult it is.

 

I just got married a year ago to a hot, sexy musician that treats me like a queen. He has a child from his first marriage but I am still childless at 31. TRUST ME... it is better to consider having a child with someone you are married to and can help raise a child (as my husband and I are in the midst of discussing when to get pregnant) than trying to find a husband when you already have the brat. I've seen how that works and I'm glad I managed to stay child-free 'till I was older and married.

 

But please, do not put this guy on a pedestal or think that having his baby will "trap" him with you... it will do precisely the opposite. My husband's ex got pregnant to try and trap him and they had a horrible, messed up, abusive relationship that dragged on for 9 years until my husband finally got fed up and left for good. And this was a guy who WANTED to be a father!!!

Link to comment

This sounds like a really unhealthy relationship and from what you say above I can only stress that if you have this baby with him in mind, it's going to end in heart break for you.

 

If he wanted to be with you and only you he would be beating down your door. only you would exist to him. but he isn't beating down your door. personally i don't think this is a relationship you should persue and having a child to him only looks like a bad idea from here. i don't say that lightly. whether you continue with this pregnancy or not, find a man that adores you and treats you with respect and all his attention. if he really wanted the relationship he would not be associating with his ex. it doesn't matter how much you love him, you deserve more than this.

Link to comment

NO, this is not the perfect way to say goodbye to his ex. It's...That's really completely off the table, it's not even a factor! Topsy turvy relationships 101: This is not how you 'keep' a person.

 

You need to separate this pregnancy from your relationship with him. You don't even have a relationship with him. Base your decision upon being a single mom because as of right now, that's what you will be. Don't have the baby thinking it will draw him to you, don't abort thinking it will draw him to you. Think with your head, D.

Link to comment

>>He cheated on me and this would be the perfect way to say goodbye to his ex gf for good. I just want to be the only girl he wants or depends on and right now, he also depends on her

 

OK, let me tell you how this usually plays out when there is an unexpected pregnancy that the guy doesn't want, especially if he is in love with another woman.

 

He'll hem and haw for awhile, then offer to 'do the right thing', then when the going get tough and you are large and cranky from the pregnancy, his ex will look FABULOUS to him and he will long to escape from both you and being trapped in a family situation he never wanted. So he'll sneak off to her and they'll have these romantic moments while you're at home with your swollen feet propped up on the couch, alone.

 

then he'll feel guilty and try for a while because of his guilt/sense of obligation... but the baby will be screaming all night and there are dirty diapers and boring domestic routine, and he will see his ex as a wonderful escape from that and run to her.

 

then one day, he'll decide wait, i never wanted this family situation with this girl, but i am attached to the baby, so how about i move in with the ex and we get to take the baby every other weekend and i get to have the girl i really wanted, which is my ex. So you'll discover that your baby that you thought would bring you together now spends every other weekend with him and his ex (or some other woman)!!

 

Most people i know who think a baby will 'fix' a broken relationship or tie a man to them are sadly and unpleasantly surprised that it usually in the end has an opposite effect, where the guy resents being yoked into a family situation he never wanted to begin with. His guilt and sense of obligation will keep him around for awhile, anywhere from a few months to a few years, but eventually he bolts because he never wanted to settle down with you and a baby to begin with. Then he'll eventually marry another woman and either incorporate your child into their own family life, or else just gradually spend less and less time with your child, and possibly drop off almost entirely from your child's life (other than a mandated support check) when he starts having more children with someone else.

 

So as everyone else says, make NO mistake that this baby will solidify you as a couple or keep you together. It may trap him in guilt and a sense of obligation for a while, but that always wears off eventually, and he will eventually leave if he never wanted this commtiment to begin with.

 

So just work from the assumption that he won't really be around for more than his court ordered support and perhaps taking the child every other weekend, off to his current GF's house (whoever she is). He may 'behave' for a while, but most men deeply resent when a woman gets pregnant when they don't want the baby, and even 'good' guys who try to be there for the baby eventually have that resentment bubble to the surface and that is when they bolt and all their promises to 'be there' for you evaporate.

 

So you having the baby is the only 'mandatory' thing happening here (if you choose to keep it). A relationship with him is optional and on shaky ground and definitely not guaranteed, and he most likely will bolt eventually, especially if he is still hung up on another woman. He had his chance to choose you over taking his ex-GF, and he keeps choosing her over you. That should tell you something, and is a good predictor of what his future behavior will be like, baby or no baby.

Link to comment

I respect what Lavender is saying and probaly knows first hand. I just still want to have a life with him. It's not as easy as just those "predictions" alone. We make eachother rediculously happy whenever he actually lets his guard down and whenever she is not around or in the picture. He admitted to me that he let her go for a while until we broke up and then just dragged us both along. I don't even know why im tripping so much about our relationship, i guess it goes deeper than what i can explain in words.

Link to comment
We make eachother rediculously happy whenever he actually lets his guard down and whenever she is not around or in the picture.

 

I am sure he and his ex also have 'ridiculously happy' times. He is never going to explain how deeply he feels for her - to you and I am sure you get to hear about all her flaws.........but you are choosing to blind yourself to the obvious fact that you two do not have a special connection that surpasses anything he has with his ex. He may make you feel this at times, but to continue to return to her suggests they have something special , beyond your understanding.

 

I am sorry to be blunt but 'Love is Blind'.

Link to comment

if he wanted to be in a relationship with you exclusively, he would be. no ifs, ands or buts. you may want a life with him but you need to deal with the reality you're facing here. you may potentially be bringing another life into the world and it is extremely unfair to that potential child if you make this decision based on keeping a guy around. in fact, it is unwise and yes, selfish.

 

we've all been deeply in love. but that doesn't mean that a stable relationship follows. he keeps returning to his ex. this means that he does not love you like you love him, if he love you at all. if you weren't pregnant than you could do what you want, but when you bring another life into this then that's when it gets serious. all the people posting here would not be advising you against making this decision based on you wanting to be with him, if we didn't objectively think that it wasn't going to work out for you.

Link to comment

My decision is pretty much 100% to have an abortion, but still have thoughts of having the baby and going through the situation where we might not be back together again. My dad is for either decision I make, so is my mother, step sister, and my brother thinks im stupid for even getting pregnant...lol, but hes always been a bit of a jerk so who cares what he thinks. I am very nervous....The baby's father has been there for me since he found out. He told me its my decision, but he did let me know he will be there for me and the baby regardless and will be there for me if I don't have it as well.... His family is against it because they are against our relationship. He tellls me they are against it because he doesn't make enough money, but who ever makes enough money to live 100% comfortably??? When we were at my place, after having a terrible experience at the place we went to, he comforted me, started gently rubbing my stomache.....rubbed my back, was making me feel more at ease. I don't know what that means, and we joked around and tickles eachother.... Just made me feel like he might want a family with me if I choose to have it. I know its probaly pretty normal to think like that when thats the person you love and

being preg just puts more pressure on our already delicate situation.

 

His ex girlfriend has known him longer, as far as a "live in" relationship with him and his family. He has a hard time letting that go because her and his mom grew close and she learned the things of what his mom did like cleans, cooked, all that domestic wife stuff. He told me he isn't over her, but still is having a hard time choosing because he isn't over me either. I don't know if I should think about that too much or not........But it is what he said and everything he says pertaining to possiblity of having this baby and getting back together, you better know I am paying close attention to everything to that affect.

Link to comment

still doesn't matter hon x i reiterate, if he wanted to be with you 100% he would be. it's a precarious situation to bring a child into and will more likely push him away in the end than bring him closer to you which is what you want.

 

it's natural to have thoughts of keeping a child in these situations. however you have to make the best decision for YOU. kids are lovely but they are VERY hard work, require a lot of sacrifice and motherhood is not the fluffy image that is portrayed in various different ways. don't put too much faith in what he says. you don't know what he'd be like at the end. he's not over his ex and actually having this child would probably push him towards her rather than bring you together.

Link to comment

What i see in your posts is what he tells you, i.e., that he can't fully leave his ex behind, that his family doesn't like you, that he doesn't really want the baby but will 'tolerate' it if he must, plus a vague promise to 'be there' for you (what does that mean??).

 

Then you take that and start talking about what is going on in your head, what you hope will be as in, 'Just made me feel like he might want a family with me if I choose to have it.'

 

So you are confusing what HE is saying/telling you with what YOU are hoping/feeling. In situations like this, you have to be very careful to try to evaluate things in their worst case scenarios and not just your own best case scenario so that you are sure you are making a right decision and are prepared to handle the worst case should it occur.

 

When he says 'be there' for you, that interpretation might be different than what you hope. It might mean he'll take the baby every other weekend back to his family home, and give you a little money when he can. He isn't asking you to marry him, or telling you he loves you and is willing to give up other women, in fact he is telling you the contrary, that he still is thinking and seeing his ex, and his family wants him with his ex, and that he tends to follow what his family wants rather than being an independent thinker.

 

So i think you should just sit down on your own, and make a plan for how you will raise this baby on your own if he does decide to reunite with his ex, or proves he can't be faithful, or fades out over time only giving you the legal minimum he must in child support. If you can raise this baby on your own should it come to that, and be happy raising it on your own, and have the resources to do so if he skips out and doesn't pay child support reliably (which lots of men do), then you might consider keeping it. But if your feelings about this baby are all tied up in a 'happy family' fantasy, then don't make a decision based on that because frankly he is giving you lots of evidence that he isn't committing to you permanently or for more than some comforting words now and again.

 

If he genuinely wanted to be a family with you, he would be refusing to talk to and see his ex, bringing you into his family and helping them accept you, making plans to live with you and/or marry you. He's doing none of that, so i think you need to look at the evidence that he may be OK to show up now and again to play with the baby, but he is not actually agreeing to build a family or a partnership with you and is leaving his options wide open to continue to see another woman.

 

I think women without children fantasize and see a lovely happy baby cooing sweet and powdered in a bassinet while their loved one stands behind her with his arms around her protecting the both of you, while the reality is frequently more like the baby screeching in the middle of the night while you are frantic there with poo in your hair, stretch marks, exhausted and with no money while the baby's father is off shagging another woman and rarely to be seen other than dropping off mandated child support.

 

Of course you could have a best case scenario, but more likely it will end up with him elsewhere simply because he is clearly telling you he doesn't want the baby and is not committed to you at all because he feels he needs to/wants to see another woman. So you are picturing a committed man, and he is overtly telling you he just isn't wililng to sign up for that, and in fact doesn't want this baby. And it may sound noble that he says it's your choice, but the reality is it IS your choice and there is nothing he can do about that so it isn't any big thing or very meaningful that he says that because it is the reality of the situation regardless of what he does because he has no control over what you decide.

 

So make this choice based on how you think your life will be if he doesn't stick around, whether you can afford the baby, whether you want to dedicate yourself to single motherhood, whether you think you will be able to find a new partner if you are alone with a baby, how hard it will be to do your job plus care for a baby etc. If you can picture yourself in that role WITHOUT him in the picture, then you might be fine keeping the baby, but if all your thoughts about the baby are wrapped up in also having him as your partner, then that is probably unrealistic because he is blatantly telling you he doesn't want this baby and he is committed to another woman emotionally and is making no big effort to commit to you.

Link to comment

We went to the abortion clinic and i have an appointment to have it done. I am still confused, undecided and very hurt because we just slept together again, but it was out of stress and not necessarily out of love. I know that and I don't think he wants to be with his ex girlfriend forever or anything like that, but shes his friend and its never been something I'd accepted or would accept because he clearly let me know they can't be just friends, just like him and I and every other girl he has ever been with. I wish there was a way to make it work and make him love me but there isn't such a word and phrase or action I can take. I feel so defenseless through this whole thing.

Link to comment

All your feelings are natural hon x looking towards the future it's probably best to cut him out of your life because he is using you and this is a very stressful situation for a woman. going forward, exclude him from the picture and think about what YOU want for yourself. it sounds like you're after a loving, committed relationship and it's unlikely that you will get that with him.

 

also after you've had the abortion it would be a wise idea to visit your doctor or a clinic to re-evaluate your birthcontrol. maybe you could consider an IUD or an injection? that way you can decide the right time to have a baby and with a partner who is 100% comitted to loving and being with you. remember that it's alright to be conflicted, but this way you won't be putting you and a child in a tenous position. this is a good thing.

 

'I wish there was a way to make it work and make him love me but there isn't such a word and phrase or action I can take. I feel so defenseless through this whole thing.'

i know how you feel. it feels like he's taking all your power away. but you know what? you can take it right back by not allowing him to treat you the way he is. you deserve a man to commit to you because he wants to. when you meet the right one you won't have to even try. he'll love you just the way you are and won't be thinking about his ex or other women. good luck and all the best. you've made a wise decision xo

Link to comment

Archived

This topic is now archived and is closed to further replies.


×
×
  • Create New...