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Thread: Apparently I'm insensitive...

  1. #1
    Member broken1414's Avatar
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    Apparently I'm insensitive...

    I will try to keep this short...(even though that will never happen!) Bf and I have been together 1.5 years. Overall we have a good strong relationship, and I think he's amazing in most ways. (If you read my past threads you'll know that I'm a bit sexually unsatisfied, but besides that it's pretty good.) Over the last 18 months my bf has periodically felt offended by my "insensitivity"....I feel this is ridiculous - let me explain:
    We live together but still tend to text each other a bit throughout the day when we are both at work. He is a very lovey-dovey kind of guy and often sends texts with heart symbols, kissy symbols, etc. We usually text each day to see how the otherís morning went at work, and again in the afternoon. Sometimes during my busy work days he sends me a text with an ďI love youĒ and I reply back and forget to say ďI love you tooĒ. Sometimes he sends texts with hearts, etc. and I reply with short answers (as I AM busy!) and donít send the applicable symbols. Well! Apparently this is quite offensive! 2 days ago he sent me a text with a heart. I replied back without a heart. He replied back with, ďGood chat, like at noon.Ē I frantically scrolled up through our conversation to see if I had missed an ďI love youĒ or something. After reading it over a few times, I decided that I hadnít missed anything, so I replied...

    Me: What did I miss? And, what did I miss at noon?!
    Him: Nothing. Sent you some hearts. Nevermind.
    Me: 4 hearts (perhaps to be a bit cheeky!)
    Him: Now thatís just condescending. Just seems like you donít read my texts even before you reply.
    Me: Just because I donít send hearts means I didnít read it?
    Him: When I ask how my sexy awesome gorgeous girlfriendís morning was, Iíd like to see more back then ďBlah. Bad morning.Ē When I send hearts, it would be nice to see them back. Usually you send them, so what does it mean when you donít?
    Me: When I donít send hearts? Doesnít mean anything! Just means I didnít send hearts! I canít believe weíre even having this conversation!
    Him: Donít then.
    Me: Ugh! Sorry!
    Him: Another awesome chat.
    Me: I donít even know what I did wrong! Besides not send hearts! So confusing!
    Him: Since this morning Iíve said nice things, sent hearts, sent hugs. It bugs me that you havenít. Thatís all.
    Me: Iím sorry! Iím tired and itís been a busy day. Call me insensitive, but I just donít see this as a big deal.
    Him: Itís not.

    I didnít reply back as I was already on my way home from work (and fuming mad that I'd already wasted more than 5 minutes of my life on this foolishness). Nothing was said that night about our text conversation.

    Then! Yesterday I picked him up after work (we commute together sometimes), and he got in the car and asked me how my day was. I said it was fine and started to tell him about the trouble I was having booking a hair appointment. He was in the car for maybe 3 minutes, I wasnít even done answering his question when he interrupted me to say, ďMy day was good, by the way.Ē I said, ďYeah! You had a good day, eh?!Ē (since he had mentioned some good meetings in his texts throughout the day). He just said, ďYeah, it was fine.Ē I got the impression that he didnít want to hear anymore about my day, so I shut up. After a few moments of awkward silence, I asked, ďSo, are you going to tell me more about your awesome day?Ē He just said, ďIt was fine.Ē I could tell he was sour about something (again, not knowing exactly what I had done wrong now), so I just let him be. When we got home I asked him what was wrong. He said, ďnothing. Iím fine.Ē and went downstairs to work out. When he came back upstairs he tore into me!! He said that he feels like I donít appreciate all the things he does for me, and that Iím insensitive to the issues that bother him. I seriously say Thank You to this guy like 100 times a day for every little thing he does!! I do all kinds of stuff for him all the time! He said that when heís grumpy or upset that I should come to him to see whatís wrong instead of giving him his space and waiting for him to come to me to talk about it. But when he is grumpy, I get the impression from him that he wants to be left alone. After he got upset and tore into me, and after I let on that I thought this was all still a tad ridiculous, I finally just said, ďIím sorry. I will try to be more attentive and conscious of your feelings.Ē

    Iím seriously offended that he can assume that I donít appreciate him and that I donít reciprocate all the things he does for me just because I donít ask how his day was quickly enough after work and because I donít send hearts when he thinks I should! Now Iím just mad at myself!! Iím mad because Iím the one who apologized, but I donít feel like I did anything wrong! And Iím mad because I didnít stand up for myself and tell him that he offended ME by making a big deal out of this in the first place! I DO think this is all rather stupid! We never fight about anything, not money, not the house, not chores, not his son, not the dog, nothing! Then we fight about THIS?! Really? We have had a few similar conversations before when I have forgotten an "I love you" in a text, or when I forgot to ask how his day went. I'm the kind of person that will tell you something if I want to, not wait for someone to ask me about it. I can't read his mind when he's got something he wants to share with me!! And as far as the hearts and the " I love you"s....I just don't see how it's so offensive!! He even suggested we stop texting each other during the day so this doesn't happen!! I'm just not the type of person to be so easily offended! He knows that! I find this all to be quite exhausting...always double checking to make sure I don't miss an I Love You or a stupid kissy face. Ughhh....

    So tell me fellow ENAers....Am I being unreasonable? Am I insensitive? Or is this just ridiculous? Do I need to tell him to Man Up? LOL!

    Brutal honestly openly accepted! Thank you in advance!

  2. #2
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    I think you need a new boyfriend.

    Sorry, but he's pulling the petulant, overly sensitive, insecure whiny guy routine. I think you're ill-fitted for each other and I think this will only continue to get worse because the problem isn't really between the two of you, but with him.

    Bear in mind, I'm saying this because in my younger days I pulled some of the same crap, sadly. It comes from a basic insecurity in one's self and a skewed perception that the relationship is imbalanced. I honestly don't think you can solve that dilemma together, but who knows.

  3. #3
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    No, I think he's silly. Its almost like you've switched roles. He's being overly sensitive. On the same token though you need to try to remedy that as you are in a relationship and that's what anyone is expected to do when they are making someone feel less than loved. It seems like you are - you are conciously realizing how you make him feel and you are trying to change it. You need to talk to him in a non-threatening way. Let him know that if he doesn't get you the response he expects, to not get mad or upset or saucy - but to just let you know. Instead of him responding with "thanks for asking me about my day!" ask him to be less snappy about it and you will continue to work on the way you respond. He should be saying something like "babe, it hurts my feelings when...." which makes him sound a little less than the tough persona that a man is supposed to have but he doesn't seem to mind that. I don't see where you are wrong at all. I'm the sensitive one in the relationship I'm in so it's amazing that I'm not able to see his side more clear. You really seem to be trying to be more sensitive to him and he seems to not be trying to throw such a fit when he doesn't get the response he expects which he needs to nip in the bud and quit being a baby.

  4. #4
    Gold Member I_Speak_Jive's Avatar
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    Girl, I would lose my mind. My senses would fritter away after dealing with such whinging passive-aggressive drama queen behaviour.

    I am a gay guy and I would die of embarrassment if I pulled that crap even once. If someone were to do that to me, that would be the end of us. A guy once tried and he found himself on the wrong side of my door very quickly.

    Honestly I just don't think I could be attracted to a man who acts like a slightly overweight teenage girl with issues.

    My advice is to not enable this kind of behaviour, stop apologising when you don't mirror every smoochy koochy wooshy fooshy rainbow hearted hello kitty text message, tell him in all sincerity that you love him but you can't stand this kinda stuff, and if he goes into a massive pout'n sulk (which, let's face it, he will), you tell him to get back in touch when his testicles have dropped.*

    Zero tolerance, I say!

    *I really don't mean this in any gender-demeaning way. It's just that partners either sex acting like this is one of my worst couply nightmares.

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  6. #5

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    Seems as if he is more into you than you are into him and that is really what is bothering him. The messages etc. are simply a symptom not the cause.

  7. #6
    Gold Member PetiteGirl's Avatar
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    I think it all comes down to communication. I think your boyfriend is the type who show affections through sending affectionate text messages, asking about your day, etc. I imagine that's something he does to connect with you emotionally. You, on the other hand, shows affections and emotional connection differently. Personally I don't see you as insensitive nor him being overly sensitive. You guys just have different "love languages." Meaning different ways of showing affections. Both of you need to sit down and calmly talk about your differences. It wouldn't hurt to reassure him that just because you don't send the same text messages in return, doesn't mean you don't love him. You're not him and you do things differently. Give him a few examples of how you show that you love him. If you show it through actions instead of texting or talking, let him know. Your boyfriend also needs to understand that you love him in your own way and come to peace with it. Communication is so important!

  8. #7
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    ^ You know, in a past relationship I did the whole "love language" thing. Much counseling, much self-help book buying, much analysis over why it just seemed so damn hard to get along.

    That relationship lasted years and still disintegrated in the end. Several more years passed and I met my girlfriend, and a very odd thing happened. We clicked. Without fighting for it, without having to wrestle with a whole bunch of communication styles, without having to constantly sit down and discuss things. We just clicked. And I'll tell you, that kind of compatibility is gold. It's worth more than all the self-help, pop psychology relationship material in existence.

    Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying couples can't work on communication and I agree communication is extremely important. But there's a point where you need to realize that although relationships can be extremely grueling and a lot of hard work, they certainly shouldn't ALWAYS be hard work.

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    OOOH! I just thought of something - You should look up the 5 love languages - I won't go into detail but you should google it if your interested. Basically there are 5 love languages that makes people feel loved - if a couple speaks different languages they will have trouble professing each others feelings to each other and will fight due to frustration. You need to learn each others languages and I bet that would immensely help with your miscommunication.

  10. #9
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    Camus beat me to it lol - anyways I think saying your going to fail is a little harsh --- you say you never fight about other things and that stands out to me. Thats substantial bc most couples fight about all that stuff!

  11. #10
    Member broken1414's Avatar
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    I am familiar with the 5 love languages, ours ARE different - mine are Quality Time and Acts of Serivce...his are Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. I just don't know how many more times a day I can tell him I love him and hug him and kiss him to make him feel loved than I already do! I do try!! It's so exhausting to feel like I try so hard, and am already (even before his little hissy fit) showering him with attention and words of affirmation for every little thing he does, and I still get crapped on for not asking how his day was soon enough or not sending a stupid heart back!! Maybe I should introduce HIM to the 5 love languages....

    And, we really don't fight about any of the normal issues. I can honestly count the disagreements we've had on one hand, I wouldn't even call them fights. (pretty sure I've posted on ENA about all of them! LOL!) At least 2 or 3 times this exact issue has come up...the only other issues we've ever had was one about him talking to his ex gf, and another about him having a double standard regarding how much information we share with each other about our separate "work lives"...neither of which I really even give a crap about, just feel it's not fair of him to have different expectations of me than I have of him...it's all in my past threads if you feel so inclined to check it out....lol.
    Last edited by broken1414; 07-19-2012 at 05:07 PM.

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