Apparently I'm insensitive...

I will try to keep this short...(even though that will never happen!) Bf and I have been together 1.5 years. Overall we have a good strong relationship, and I think he's amazing in most ways. (If you read my past threads you'll know that I'm a bit sexually unsatisfied, but besides that it's pretty good.) Over the last 18 months my bf has periodically felt offended by my "insensitivity"....I feel this is ridiculous - let me explain:

We live together but still tend to text each other a bit throughout the day when we are both at work. He is a very lovey-dovey kind of guy and often sends texts with heart symbols, kissy symbols, etc. We usually text each day to see how the other’s morning went at work, and again in the afternoon. Sometimes during my busy work days he sends me a text with an “I love you” and I reply back and forget to say “I love you too”. Sometimes he sends texts with hearts, etc. and I reply with short answers (as I AM busy!) and don’t send the applicable symbols. Well! Apparently this is quite offensive! 2 days ago he sent me a text with a heart. I replied back without a heart. He replied back with, “Good chat, like at noon.” I frantically scrolled up through our conversation to see if I had missed an “I love you” or something. After reading it over a few times, I decided that I hadn’t missed anything, so I replied...

Me: What did I miss? And, what did I miss at noon?!

Him: Nothing. Sent you some hearts. Nevermind.

Me: 4 hearts (perhaps to be a bit cheeky!)

Him: Now that’s just condescending. Just seems like you don’t read my texts even before you reply.

Me: Just because I don’t send hearts means I didn’t read it?

Him: When I ask how my sexy awesome gorgeous girlfriend’s morning was, I’d like to see more back then “Blah. Bad morning.” When I send hearts, it would be nice to see them back. Usually you send them, so what does it mean when you don’t?

Me: When I don’t send hearts? Doesn’t mean anything! Just means I didn’t send hearts! I can’t believe we’re even having this conversation!

Him: Don’t then.

Me: Ugh! Sorry!

Him: Another awesome chat.

Me: I don’t even know what I did wrong! Besides not send hearts! So confusing!

Him: Since this morning I’ve said nice things, sent hearts, sent hugs. It bugs me that you haven’t. That’s all.

Me: I’m sorry! I’m tired and it’s been a busy day. Call me insensitive, but I just don’t see this as a big deal.

Him: It’s not.

I didn’t reply back as I was already on my way home from work (and fuming mad that I'd already wasted more than 5 minutes of my life on this foolishness). Nothing was said that night about our text conversation.

Then! Yesterday I picked him up after work (we commute together sometimes), and he got in the car and asked me how my day was. I said it was fine and started to tell him about the trouble I was having booking a hair appointment. He was in the car for maybe 3 minutes, I wasn’t even done answering his question when he interrupted me to say, “My day was good, by the way.” I said, “Yeah! You had a good day, eh?!” (since he had mentioned some good meetings in his texts throughout the day). He just said, “Yeah, it was fine.” I got the impression that he didn’t want to hear anymore about my day, so I shut up. After a few moments of awkward silence, I asked, “So, are you going to tell me more about your awesome day?” He just said, “It was fine.” I could tell he was sour about something (again, not knowing exactly what I had done wrong now), so I just let him be. When we got home I asked him what was wrong. He said, “nothing. I’m fine.” and went downstairs to work out. When he came back upstairs he tore into me!! He said that he feels like I don’t appreciate all the things he does for me, and that I’m insensitive to the issues that bother him. I seriously say Thank You to this guy like 100 times a day for every little thing he does!! I do all kinds of stuff for him all the time! He said that when he’s grumpy or upset that I should come to him to see what’s wrong instead of giving him his space and waiting for him to come to me to talk about it. But when he is grumpy, I get the impression from him that he wants to be left alone. After he got upset and tore into me, and after I let on that I thought this was all still a tad ridiculous, I finally just said, “I’m sorry. I will try to be more attentive and conscious of your feelings.”

I’m seriously offended that he can assume that I don’t appreciate him and that I don’t reciprocate all the things he does for me just because I don’t ask how his day was quickly enough after work and because I don’t send hearts when he thinks I should! Now I’m just mad at myself!! I’m mad because I’m the one who apologized, but I don’t feel like I did anything wrong! And I’m mad because I didn’t stand up for myself and tell him that he offended ME by making a big deal out of this in the first place! I DO think this is all rather stupid! We never fight about anything, not money, not the house, not chores, not his son, not the dog, nothing! Then we fight about THIS?! Really? We have had a few similar conversations before when I have forgotten an "I love you" in a text, or when I forgot to ask how his day went. I'm the kind of person that will tell you something if I want to, not wait for someone to ask me about it. I can't read his mind when he's got something he wants to share with me!! And as far as the hearts and the " I love you"s....I just don't see how it's so offensive!! He even suggested we stop texting each other during the day so this doesn't happen!! I'm just not the type of person to be so easily offended! He knows that! I find this all to be quite exhausting...always double checking to make sure I don't miss an I Love You or a stupid kissy face. Ughhh....

So tell me fellow ENAers....Am I being unreasonable? Am I insensitive? Or is this just ridiculous? Do I need to tell him to Man Up? LOL!

Brutal honestly openly accepted! Thank you in advance!

I think you need a new boyfriend.

Sorry, but he's pulling the petulant, overly sensitive, insecure whiny guy routine. I think you're ill-fitted for each other and I think this will only continue to get worse because the problem isn't really between the two of you, but with him.

Bear in mind, I'm saying this because in my younger days I pulled some of the same crap, sadly. It comes from a basic insecurity in one's self and a skewed perception that the relationship is imbalanced. I honestly don't think you can solve that dilemma together, but who knows.

No, I think he's silly. Its almost like you've switched roles. He's being overly sensitive. On the same token though you need to try to remedy that as you are in a relationship and that's what anyone is expected to do when they are making someone feel less than loved. It seems like you are - you are conciously realizing how you make him feel and you are trying to change it. You need to talk to him in a non-threatening way. Let him know that if he doesn't get you the response he expects, to not get mad or upset or saucy - but to just let you know. Instead of him responding with "thanks for asking me about my day!" ask him to be less snappy about it and you will continue to work on the way you respond. He should be saying something like "babe, it hurts my feelings when...." which makes him sound a little less than the tough persona that a man is supposed to have but he doesn't seem to mind that. I don't see where you are wrong at all. I'm the sensitive one in the relationship I'm in so it's amazing that I'm not able to see his side more clear. You really seem to be trying to be more sensitive to him and he seems to not be trying to throw such a fit when he doesn't get the response he expects which he needs to nip in the bud and quit being a baby.

Girl, I would lose my mind. My senses would fritter away after dealing with such whinging passive-aggressive drama queen behaviour.

I am a gay guy and I would die of embarrassment if I pulled that crap even once. If someone were to do that to me, that would be the end of us. A guy once tried and he found himself on the wrong side of my door very quickly.

Honestly I just don't think I could be attracted to a man who acts like a slightly overweight teenage girl with issues.

My advice is to not enable this kind of behaviour, stop apologising when you don't mirror every smoochy koochy wooshy fooshy rainbow hearted hello kitty text message, tell him in all sincerity that you love him but you can't stand this kinda stuff, and if he goes into a massive pout'n sulk (which, let's face it, he will), you tell him to get back in touch when his testicles have dropped.*

Zero tolerance, I say!

*I really don't mean this in any gender-demeaning way. It's just that partners either sex acting like this is one of my worst couply nightmares.

Seems as if he is more into you than you are into him and that is really what is bothering him. The messages etc. are simply a symptom not the cause.

I think it all comes down to communication. I think your boyfriend is the type who show affections through sending affectionate text messages, asking about your day, etc. I imagine that's something he does to connect with you emotionally. You, on the other hand, shows affections and emotional connection differently. Personally I don't see you as insensitive nor him being overly sensitive. You guys just have different "love languages." Meaning different ways of showing affections. Both of you need to sit down and calmly talk about your differences. It wouldn't hurt to reassure him that just because you don't send the same text messages in return, doesn't mean you don't love him. You're not him and you do things differently. Give him a few examples of how you show that you love him. If you show it through actions instead of texting or talking, let him know. Your boyfriend also needs to understand that you love him in your own way and come to peace with it. Communication is so important!

^ You know, in a past relationship I did the whole "love language" thing. Much counseling, much self-help book buying, much analysis over why it just seemed so damn hard to get along.

That relationship lasted years and still disintegrated in the end. Several more years passed and I met my girlfriend, and a very odd thing happened. We clicked. Without fighting for it, without having to wrestle with a whole bunch of communication styles, without having to constantly sit down and discuss things. We just clicked. And I'll tell you, that kind of compatibility is gold. It's worth more than all the self-help, pop psychology relationship material in existence.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying couples can't work on communication and I agree communication is extremely important. But there's a point where you need to realize that although relationships can be extremely grueling and a lot of hard work, they certainly shouldn't ALWAYS be hard work.

OOOH! I just thought of something - You should look up the 5 love languages - I won't go into detail but you should google it if your interested. Basically there are 5 love languages that makes people feel loved - if a couple speaks different languages they will have trouble professing each others feelings to each other and will fight due to frustration. You need to learn each others languages and I bet that would immensely help with your miscommunication.

Camus beat me to it lol - anyways I think saying your going to fail is a little harsh --- you say you never fight about other things and that stands out to me. Thats substantial bc most couples fight about all that stuff!

I am familiar with the 5 love languages, ours ARE different - mine are Quality Time and Acts of Serivce...his are Words of Affirmation, and Physical Touch. I just don't know how many more times a day I can tell him I love him and hug him and kiss him to make him feel loved than I already do! I do try!! It's so exhausting to feel like I try so hard, and am already (even before his little hissy fit) showering him with attention and words of affirmation for every little thing he does, and I still get crapped on for not asking how his day was soon enough or not sending a stupid heart back!! Maybe I should introduce HIM to the 5 love languages....

And, we really don't fight about any of the normal issues. I can honestly count the disagreements we've had on one hand, I wouldn't even call them fights. (pretty sure I've posted on ENA about all of them! LOL!) At least 2 or 3 times this exact issue has come up...the only other issues we've ever had was one about him talking to his ex gf, and another about him having a double standard regarding how much information we share with each other about our separate "work lives"...neither of which I really even give a crap about, just feel it's not fair of him to have different expectations of me than I have of him...it's all in my past threads if you feel so inclined to check it out....lol.

Like I said, these are symptoms of a greater malaise. You may say you love him but for some reason he doesn't really believe you. Your previous thread about him may be the reason.

My previous thread about not being sexually satisfied and not feeling sexually attracted to him? But he gets sex every single day, sometimes twice (and he thinks he have a great sex life!)...and he told me this time that his biggest issue was that he felt I was taking him forgranted, that I don't appreciate him, and that I am insensitive to the issues that bother him. I can't help the way I feel! Believe me, I wish I could!! I feel that this issue IS absolutely ridiculous! I DO appreciate every little thing he does, really! And! I tell him!! Every single day I literally say thank you to him for every little thing....he makes me dinner, I tell him how aewsome it is and how much I appreciate him making it for me.. He feeds the dog, I say thank you, and usually hug him too!! It's like that with everything!! I feel like a broken record some days, and even try to do more for myself so I don't have to feel so in debted to him....but he doesn't let me!! He WANTS to do everything for me! Which is great, and greatly appreciated!! I just don't kow what else I can do!! (besides send hearts with every stinkin' text and immediately ask him about his day when I see him after work, and keep promising to be more attentive...)

I'm sure you appreciate what he does for you (acts of service) but you don't sound emotionally attracted to him anymore. You "give" him sex often but do you really want it yourself?

Because you each give and recognize love in different ways (learned in childhood), there needs to be understanding and compromise on BOTH your parts in order for this to really work. At the end of the day, you may simply not be able to give out as much as he apparently needs. Time to dive deep and be brutally honest with each other.

Yeah, absolutely introduce him to the 5 love languages. I think he's acting like a baby.

Hmmm....emotional attraction. That's something I've never thought of before. Maybe I'm subconsciously losing emotional attraction for him because he seems less and less like the strong willed secure older man I fell in love with...he can definitely smother me a bit sometimes, and can also have his needy moments. The fact that he can speak up and talk to me about it is actually something I kind of appreciate about him, because in my last relationship MY emotional needs were far from met, and I always felt like the needy one. (However, I at least make an honest effort, whereas my ex did not.)

I assume the lack of sexual attraction ties into all this somehow too...

Pl3asehelp: I think he's acting like a big baby too! LOL... I guess that's my "insensitivity" shining through!

OP, this is a reply I gave you in another of your threads about this same man back in January:

You want the frank, honest truth?

 

I think you and your boyfriend have a rather toxic, insecure relationship that will eventually drain the both of you. I think you'll stay in it until it's long expired and until you feel crazy inside and can't tell what's up and what's down.

 

Just my 2 cents, but none of what you've posted sounds healthy.

Now my question to you is, does that sound accurate 7 months later?

Toxic? I wouldn't go that far. I have to say that his willingness to work things out and be open and speak his mind about his concerns, and my willingness to address his concerns (although I might think them to be ridiculous) makes me feel like this relationship is far from toxic. I have been in toxic relationships where I WAS drained, where I DID stay until it was long expired, where I DID feel crazy, where I DIDN'T know up from down...I KNOW what that feels like. This relationship is FAR more healthy that any I've ever experienced. (maybe that's not saying much...I dunno!)

Insecure? Maybe. I'm not an insecure person at all. Yes, I am totally terrified of being cheated on and lied to again....but also realize that worrying about it until I can't sleep at night, trying to control him, and being insecure about it will not do me any good. If it happens, it happens, I will deal with it when the time comes if I have to. I never thought my bf to be an insecure person either, but as our relationship progresses his insecurities slowly shine through. I feel secure in this relationship....I get the feeling he doesn't. Maybe this is what we need to confront head on...his insecurities. He can be clingy and smother me like crazy...it's nice sometimes, but gets to be annoying when we're out with friends and he absolutley insists that he must sit beside me. One time he invited me for a beer with some of his buddies, when we left he told me he didn't like me being the only girl there because he felt like his buddies were eyeballing me all night...I asked him if he thought I was just going to up and go home with one of them instead! LOL! (trying to make him realize how ridiculous he sounded)....he didn't think it was too funny. So, I wouldn't say he's extremely insecure, but that it does show here and there in some situations.

So does it sound accurate? Not quite. But definitely a little more on key than I thought at the time....

Yeah I def don't see the toxicity either. He seems a little whiney - which can be irritating but you don't seem to be a victim of abuse or anything like that!

My ex did the same stuff yours does (he was also quite a bit older than me). He basically made me his life. He even packed me lunch for work and made sure I took my vitamins. All out of "love". And boy, did I hear about how insensitive I was, how I didn't appreciate everything he did for me, how I was "selfish" for wanting alone time, etc. If I was busy at work and didn't answer a text, there was hell to pay when I got home. (He didn't work, so he had plenty of time to obsess over how strong my emotions were and all that stuff). In the end, I left him because I realized that I could never obsess over him the way he obsessed over me, and my emotional attachment toward him was completely withered by his behavior.

I'm not saying your BF is exactly the way mine was, but I see the parallels. It sounds to me as though your personalities are different, and in this case it may be too large of a difference. For whatever reason, he wants you to jump through hoops to prove your love, and you resent having to do it.

Have you tried to talk to him about this in a reasonable manner? Like, not when he's having a "hissy fit", but when you are both calm.

What were his parents like? Was he raised mostly by women?

I was going to ask the same thing about his parents. Was he raised by his mother with an absence of his father (or lack of involvement)?

It's almost as though he's looking for validation and acceptance through you; not necessarily through act of your kindness and other verbal or non-verbal communication. You may be accepting the relationship with little quirks. To him, it's probably full of fears, smothering you and trying to make sure he doesn't lose you. In that sense he is very insecure but that insecurity could come from many reasons including bad relationships in the past if not he never really learned the boundaries between him and his mother which is very common among insecure men (and vise versa with women and their fathers).

Does he also have any anxiety or other stress factor he's dealing in life? I wouldn't necessary try to cater to all his needs in a way that will only reinforce his insecurity; as much as you maybe doing what you think is making him happy, if and when you skip a step or forget to return those texts that only satisfy him, it's likely he'll only feel more insecure.

Obviously nothing is one sided and as much as he needs to find a way to deal with such insecurity issues there needs to be a middle ground. You have two separate issues if not more. He himself needs to work on improving and learning to see the relationship from a different perspective without putting pressure on you to feel secure. But also that will take your help and learning a system within the relationship that works for both of you.

Has he or have you two thought about counseling together? You two may not be married but in any relationship it may help to see someone trained in martial therapy to understand how and why things are the way they are.

He was actually raised by his father...his parents divorced when he was 3. His father raised him and his older brother, but he had regular visitation with his mother growing up. Today he has good solid relationships with both of his parents, and even his step father from childhood. I wonder if there's something to this though...perhaps since his mother left them when he was so little, he yearns for secure relationships with women (?)...or something along those lines...I don't know!!

Yes, we have discussed going to couseling together...I think it's something that might be nesessary to help us figure out how to communicate with each other without screwing things up and to help us establish some boundaries.

I can imagine the insecurity of not having a mother in his life. Even boys growing up without a father figure will be more sensitive and tend to smother women if not have the fear of losing that one-and-only important person growing up. The effects of motherless relationship I'm not exactly sure but one can assume there's some psychological impact that will lead to problems in adult life as well. I hope you two can get some answers through a professional counselor

Start dating men, not boys.