"Borderline personality disorder", depression, people that are "taken seriously"

I am sorry for posting here but I just randomly searched for a forum about jealousy and I found this one.

Jealousy is really driving me crazy. My days are filled with obsessively browsing the internet for stories from the following people:

-people with bpd

- depressed people

-people that whine about their feelings and are being taken seriously,

distracting me from everything.

I like to insult them and make plans in my head to kill them. I think about these people every day because I'm just so jealous. It even goes as far as that I am currently researching brain chemicals of people with BPD and try to find drugs that alter my mind so that mine looks more alike. I do not really have success apart from taking dxm which makes me dissociate, but it makes me nauseaous and if you use it too much it can lose its effect.

I have wasted hundreds of money on pills that are said to have mood altering adverse effects , taking whole bottles at once, but never one single effect.

When my friend told me her doctor thought she was depressed, I became so angry that I screamed insults at her until she started to cry.

Nearby me lives a girl with borderline personality disorder. I know this, because she writes for one of our magazines and I looked up her address. I am afraid I am going to hurt her. I am planning to visit her next week. My dream would be stabbing her with a knife. After all, that ***** hurts herself too so whatever. But due to the consequences that may not be worth it so I just want to insult her and beat her up or something. Maybe stalk her as well.

of course I do not think anyone here can solve my problem. I know that even understanding me is too much for most. but I am feeling really ****ty for years and I wonder if there are people with a similar problem

what's your problem? You are jealous of people who are depressed? I don't understand.

ok

well that is quite an entrance into a forum I give you that

so first and most obviously ..are you seeing anyone and do they know your train of thought ?

Nearby me lives a girl with borderline personality disorder. I know this, because she writes for one of our magazines and I looked up her address. I am afraid I am going to hurt her. I am planning to visit her next week.

I am glad to hear you will at least let her live , but are you still planning on beating her up and stalking her ?

@markfromark: lol! yes I am. I mean, everyone wants to sleep all day and not caring about anything.

They can do it and still get sympathy. And pills. And Attention. I hate them so much.

And if they are rreeeeaaalllyyy lucky they get locked up so reality just dissapears for them and they do not have any responsablities anymore and *** they should just be shot or something instead of getting helped with money that I worked for despite the fact that I rather stay in my bed crying as well!! How dare they steal from me.

@shooting star: haha thanks I take it as a compliment that I am at least original if nothing else!!

yes its the only thing I can think of that does not make me feel worse than I already am.

Just trying to focus on my work feeling miserable is not going to change anything, most drugs are out of reach, so its the only solution to get rid of my jealousy.

Yes I am seeing somebody professional. For YEARS but whatever my train of thought is apparently not really interesting enough to make me able to get all that fancy antidepressant stuff that others are getting. Yes, I am getting antidepressants but its for something else and they dont work for my mood and I already changed medicines.

does this ring any bells for you

this is a sociopath

Antisocial Personality Disorder is chronic, beginning in adolescence

and continuing throughout adulthood. There are ten general

symptoms:

not learning from experience

no sense of responsibility

inability to form meaningful relationships

inability to control impulses

lack of moral sense

chronically antisocial behavior

no change in behavior after punishment

emotional immaturity

lack of guilt

self-centeredness

People with this disorder may exhibit criminal behavior. They may

not work. If they do work, they are frequently absent or may quit

suddenly. They do not consider other people's wishes, welfare or

rights. They can be manipulative and may lie to gain personal

pleasure or profit. They may default on loans, fail to provide child

support, or fail to care for their dependents adequately. High risk

sexual behavior and substance abuse are common. Impulsiveness,

failure to plan ahead, aggressiveness, irritability, irresponsibility,

and a reckless disregard for their own safety and the safety of

others are traits of the antisocial personality.

Socioeconomic status, gender, and genetic factors play a role.

Males are more likely to be antisocial than females. Those from

lower socioeconomic groups are more susceptible. A family history

of the disorder puts one at higher risk.

There are many theories about the cause of Antisocial Personality

Disorder including experiencing neglectful parenting as a child, low

levels of certain neurotransmitters in the brain, and belief that

antisocial behavior is justified because of difficult circumstances.

Psychotherapy, group therapy, and family therapy are common

treatments. The effects of medical treatment are inconclusive.

Unfortunately, most people with Antisocial Personality Disorder

reject treatment. Therefore, recovery rates are low.

I don't know that everyone wants to sleep all day and not do anything. Do you dislike your job and your life?

sorry but there is NOTHING to be jealous about towards people with depression and such, they suffer from it and it is not to envy or want for yourself......but if the thoughts you are having are real and serious, i do think you have some form of undiagnosed disorder yourself, might get that checked out, casue these thoughts are not rational.....

so hey, congratulations on that then, there might be a problem with you as well lol

I would suggest taking yourself to the hospital and tell a dr these thoughts.

@shooting star: haha thanks I take it as a compliment that I am at least original if nothing else!!

yes its the only thing I can think of that does not make me feel worse than I already am.

Just trying to focus on my work feeling miserable is not going to change anything, most drugs are out of reach, so its the only solution to get rid of my jealousy.

Yes I am seeing somebody professional. For YEARS but whatever my train of thought is apparently not really interesting enough to make me able to get all that fancy antidepressant stuff that others are getting. Yes, I am getting antidepressants but its for something else and they dont work for my mood and I already changed medicines.

first thing I thought of reading your op was a sociopath ..but who the hell am I to be throwing this stuff around.

you must be living in hell quite frankly ..your mind must never get a break ..so they have given the impression that your train of thought is not interesting enough to pursue anything to help you ....dear god ..

you do need help and your thoughts are wrong, they are dangerous and you deserve the right help .

have you ever acted on them ? the serious ones , not the making someone cry ..although that is pretty damn mean ..but the stalking and beating people up thoughts ?

@shootingstar: it made me realize something when you said that...I have never acted on them but I really want to right now....But now I wonder why: is it because of my anger, or because I want recognition myself? I think both...Because I am really angry....Anyway, thanks for replying and trying to understand

@bulletproof: You rather work than sleep? That's great for you. Well, I chose the wrong study but I have to finish it. long story I can always do another if I've got money and it isn't THAT bad but I can't concentrate and make myself do anything.....classical lazy student problem blah blah blah. I like the side jobs that I had...But it was temporary and its hard to find a new one.

@sara-pezzini: well let me explain it a bit better then...I am jealous of the diagnosis. I do not have to be jealous of their feelings because I already have them. Its just that nobody gives a **** about ME, while these people with depression are obviously being taken really seriously and I'm sick of reading that. And well, maybe I am a bit jealous of their feelings. Mine could be more exaggerated so people actually cared about them

haha thanks but unfortunately my therapist & other people around me are not like you. I suspect I have narcisstic personality disorder if anything but nobody els thinks so

thanks a lot for the replies

Why do you want a "diagnosis"?

a diagnoses won't make it any better, believe me.....but i am sorry you feel this way, maybe you went to the wrong therapist/doctor

@Victoria: To know that my feelings are real, to prove to everyone else that I'm not the spoiled drama queen they think I am, to get rid of my self-hate. Part of me knows that self esteem should not be dependent on validation from others but I still feel bad when people think I am exaggerating and making things up and seem to know my feelings better than myself. but weirdly enough I realize now that its enough when I take myself seriously. I have myself so **** everyone else. well, everyone in real life I mean by that because the replies here were sure helpful.

@Sara pezzini: how do you know that a diagnosis will not make it any better? thanks

It is hard to understand ..and must be frustrating for you to express it

but I like that you havent acted in them

in the grand scheme of things we ALL have thoughts ...and mine are not like yousr but I will still not be letting

anyone into the crevices of my mind ..so your not a friek darling ..and you are at least venting this ..

another thing ..how does it feel that now , on here , the people giving you time and trying to help are the types

of people you must loathe ?

because i am close to someone who has been diagnosed, didn't make it any better, believe me, only made him feel like more crap, defected, not normal and all that

Of course feelings are real. If you feel them they are real. You are looking for constant validation from others to make you feel valid. You need to make your own self valid. That is more what you should explore with a therapist or dr, not how people can feel sorry for you.

Oh please, don't be jealous of a diagnosis. Spend some time on this forum and I'm SURE someone will take one of your innocuous(or maybe not) comments and call you BPD. Then you can have a fun, fun time fending off the nasty stigma that's attached to it. The only thing a label helps with is directing you to a particular type of treatment...And even then, not necessarily. That's it.

If you're experiencing feelings, they're real. Feelings aren't inherently right or wrong, they just are, and they exist for you. Whether or not they're healthy and conducive to a content lifestyle is something else entirely. I'm not sure if I missed it, but have you already seen a therapist or doctor in the past? And if so, have you been completely frank about your thoughts?

another thing ..how does it feel that now , on here , the people giving you time and trying to help are the types

of people you must loathe ?

what do you mean by that? sorry didn't really get it

@sara-pezzini: I can understand that, to some degree....I mean, when I think of myself I want others to be proud of me....and for example its harder for my family to be proud of me when I am not normal.

On the other hand, I wonder of that friend ever thought he/she was normal before the diagnosis? he/she or people around him/her must have noticed *something* was "off"......

@Victoria: thanks for the insight...You are right...But I've had enough of therapy, it doesn't help, I don't deserve it and I don't have anything serious to talk about. But I will try to improve myself without help from others from now on.

@Cheetarah: Hah! I seem to get stigma's everywhere I go! It used to be "ugly", "weirdo" and even "monster", but when time passed and I fortunately left highschool, it became the somewhat nicer "quiet person", "invisible". Now, people often dislike me without reason anyway, and with job interviews they are not very happy with my "abnormal" insecurity, sensitivity, childishness and laziness. So I've got nothing to lose really, since nobody ever saw me as normal anyway.

well unfortunately society has already decided that good feelings are good and negative feelings are bad, and that you need to cheer yourself up when you are having a bad day. And other people do not like people with bad days either, let alone bad months. Or years. But I will try not to beat myself up for feeling bad anymore since it only makes me feel worse I already experienced, lol. Anyway, yes I'm seeing a therapist for years, before that one I saw two different ones for two years as well but nothing really changed after all these years of therapy. And I've been completely honest to the point of feeling ridiculous because I was ashamed of my thoughts

op I am on my way out but just wanted to say ( and it is hard to know what to say mate) that if you

feel the compulsion to carry anything out , are you able to go to your nearest police station for your and their

safety ? or the hospital like vic said ..

no illness gives you the right to take a life or harm one and you need someone to help you with this darling ok

Well let me tell you my husband had therapy for YEARS for anxiety and it did nothing until he actually started to LISTEN and do the techniques he was taught. Then it helped.

Are you actually listening? Are you actually doing techniques you are taught?

well in your op you expressed your distaste for people who are depressed , personilty disorders etc etc ..well so far on here you have had a mixed bag of people with alsorts of problems including myself , who are trying to help you as much as they can and give their time on this forum ..

thus the question

If you want to harm someone though and have thoughts of harming people you need hospitalization.

If you want to harm someone though and have thoughts of harming people you need hospitalization.

and that is it in a nutshell

he never thought he was normal, he sensed something was off and the people he actually lets come close noticed something was off too, but he doesn't let too many come close enough to be able to tell....