Was I raped? And was I "asking for it"?

Hi everyone,

I will start by saying this may get pretty graphic, but I need to provide some details that may bring out some judgement - please just read this with an open mind...

About 3 years ago, I was trying to get over a difficult breakup and wanted to dip my feet into the whole "NSA" sex friend thing. I went to an online dating site (I know, I should have known better) and met a guy I really got along with. We hung out, chatted for a while, and seemed to get along well. I was immediately comfortable with him.

We discussed our turn-ons, and discovered we both wanted to experiment with domination/submission and rough sex. We discussed ground rules, limits, and agreed to make this a mutually gratifying arrangement. He was generous, always paid for drinks, food, and a hotel room if we needed it.

All was going well - we hung out every week or so, he respected my boundaries, and I did not have any concerns. Then he went away for Navy training and I did not see him for about 3 months.

When he came back, it was his birthday so I treated for once. I got drinks, a hotel, and picked him up. He was very cold and didn’t seem to appreciate it. Then we started to do our usual thing, and he said he didn’t want to kiss me (saying my lip gloss tasted gross). I was taken back, but we continued. He was being a lot more rough than usual. When I asked him to tone it down, he said okay, but he was still too rough.

I was getting very uncomfortable, but started to feel very intimidated by him. I went into this daze that I just can’t explain. It felt almost out-of-body somehow where I just went numb and just withstood everything he was doing hoping it would end soon.

One of my limits was no anal sex – it hurts too much and I am very sensitive in that area. He respected this until that night. He was behind me (doggy style), pulled out, held me down tightly, and forced anal sex. I cried and screamed out the safety word, but he didn’t stop until he ejaculated.

I was absolutely stunned and devastated. I went into the washroom to shower and got ready to leave and never see him again. After my shower, I sat down on the toilet to pee. There was no lock on the door, and he walked into the bathroom. I said “hold on, I have to pee.” He stood over me and said “so do I,” and he peed in my face.

I rinsed off in the shower again, got dressed, and sat accross the room from him. I was too scared to walk out the door. I couldn’t get any words out. I felt tears running down my face but I wasn’t whimpering like a person does when they cry. When we sat there quietly for a few minutes, he said “maybe we should take some time apart.” I walked out the door and he followed into my car. The only reason I didn’t walk out on him was because he could have destroyed the room and it would have been charged to my credit card.

I dropped him off, he kissed me goodnight, and walked off. I came home and saw he deleted me from FB, MSN and blocked me on the dating site we met on.

I can’t describe how violated I felt. I didn’t go to work or school, and I didn’t eat or sleep well for almost a week afterwards.

My feeling from this was that I was raped, but I asked for it! I allowed the rough sex. I felt like I would look stupid if I went to the police. I also didn’t want to cause trouble because he had saved pornographic pictures we took together.

I don’t feel that I have any psychological issues after this but I worry because sometimes I think about it and I can’t sleep at night. Since this happened, I’ve found myself feeling more vulnerable and needy when it comes to the men that I date. It takes a lot of effort for me to act “normal” when I first become intimate with a man.

Does anyone have any advice as to how to get past this?

Yes, you were raped and yes you should report it. Most definitely. He is out there doing this to other women. No, you did not ask for it. NO ONE asks for it. I would recommend some form of therapy. I am sorry this happened to you. ( I am a rape survivor as well) This was NOT NOT NOT your fault. Rape is not about sex, it is about power and hate.

Rape is not about sex, it is about power and hate.

I'm sorry that happened to you and yes, he has/is doing to someone else. Take care of you and then set the hounds on this guy. I wish you well.

Mpo

we both wanted to experiment with domination/submission and rough sex.

This is what you requested. You didn't see him for 3 months because he went away for navy training. This kind of training is about strict obeyance of superiors. It was highly likely that his mindset would have changed after training. Instead of easing into the setup slowly after three months, you just decided to carry on as normal, not assessing first, if his attitude had changed. Did you deserve to be manhandled like that...absolutely not. Where you are at fault is not taking the necessary precautions to protect yourself..the nature of the setup you agreed to can easily lead to someone getting carried away and escalating things. When two people engage in casual sex often the partner is viewed as a piece of meat with no real feelings and emotions. By taking it to the domination/submission, rough sex level you are leaving yourself quite open to people who could possibly lose control. Instead of being vulnerable and needy around men, which will encourage them to take advantage, you need to develop a tougher, no-nonsense behaviour so that you can enjoy loving sex with someone while also ensuring healthy boundaries. Always be mindful of your boundaries.

Obeyance of superiors does not cause rape. My husband has been in the military since he was 16 and he is now 43 and he has NEVER NEVER raped anyone and would never dream of it. This guy was a rapist before he joined the military. Of the men who raped me none were in the military.

I can't comprehend the fact that such scum exists. wow.

I am SOOO sorry that had to happen to you I have a best friend who was in a similar situation, and I helped her get help. Seriously if you need someone to talk to from time to time, message me in my inbox. I'm female 21 years.

First of all, when you said you feel like you don't have psychological issues, you contradicted yourself. After you said that you feel vulnerable and needy, and can't sleep at night. That is a trauma/psychological issue. Flat out, according to your story, yes you were raped. No question about that. You used the safety word and he ignored you, therefore the anal sex was unwanted, hence you were raped. The peeing on your face was SO disrespectful, that is one of the most degrading things I've ever heard.

You explained that your mistake was meeting someone online. But that's not where you went wrong, it's okay, lots of people meet each other online these days. However the mistake you did make, was stay in the room just because you were afraid of damage on your credit card. You put your safety higher at risk by doing that.

I strongly suggest that you need to talk about your incident with someone, perhaps a stranger may help, and writing your story on this website is a good start. When you are ready (you may never be ready), but you must make yourself ready, you NEED to tell somebody close to you, perhaps if you had a friend you were telling stories to about you and this guy, she may be the right person to talk to. You NEED to go to the police. Police take rape quite seriously, and this is definitely a case of rape.

Of course you feel stupid hun, but you are not stupid at all, you did nothing wrong and you are innocent. This man who raped you MADE YOU feel stupid so that he won't get into trouble. Think about it. He gains your trust, and has respectful sex with you, then suddenly turns on you so that he can finally have the kind of sex that HE wants, and he KNOWS that it is illegal and wrong. And that is also why he deleted you from FB and MSN, because HE KNOWS he is in the wrong.

I also wanted to point out to you that wives get raped by their husbands all the time, and they are probably the ones who feel the most stupid for going to the police because they are married. And I want to let you know that when cases like these do get reported, husbands do serve time in jail. A fact I also learned was that 99% of rape cases are won by the victim.

Once again, if you need a stranger to talk to, don't be afraid to message me.

Obeyance of superiors does not cause rape. My husband has been in the military since he was 16 and he is now 43 and he has NEVER NEVER raped anyone and would never dream of it. This guy was a rapist before he joined the military. Of the men who raped me none were in the military.

I am not saying it does...but for some people, being in that kind of environment will cause things to snap in them. Just look at the people who urinated on corpses. I also wouldn't necessarily assume he was a rapist before he joined the military.

Crazyaboutdogs, I know where you are coming from, but going to Navy training is absolutely no excuse! I have dated a guy who was in the military, a police officer, and two other man who were in the Navy - NONE of them were ever abusive towards me. You are absolutely correct with the connection - the training brought out this behaviour in him. But a normal and mentally healthy person would not have walked out of military training and treat someone this way. It was within him, just sitting dormant.

And you guys are right - I really should have reported it. But this was 3 years ago. A mutual (but distant) friend told me he has been in a long term relationship for the last 2.5 years and they are engaged. AND he has dirty pictures of me - if I caused trouble for him now, he could easily post pictures of me all over the internet and ruin my life too....

crazyaboutdogs I completely disagree. There are safe words for a reason. Using them is the same as saying NO! He raped her and Victoria is right he is probably doing it to someone else.

I have been through military training myself and I have never become inhuman. It THIS particular guy. Report him to the military.

I am not saying it does...but for some people, being in that kind of environment will cause things to snap in them. Just look at the people who urinated on corpses. I also wouldn't necessarily assume he was a rapist before he joined the military.

I had the same thought, and it could be true. But regardless MOST people do not snap and rape people just because they joined the military. This girl had NO IDEA that this man would suddenly turn into a rapist after the navy. Did he go to war? no. All he did was training. This girl needs our help to go forward in telling a close friend what happened, and needs encouragement that she is not stupid, and was not asking for it, and should go to the police when she is ready. We don't need to argue about the psychology of the man, because what's important is the psychology of this girl's mind as a rape victim. We are helping her, not him. There is no "well you shouldn't have done this because he went into the navy" rape is rape. And he should serve time in jail so that no other girl has to go through what this innocent girl went through.

Also you can report rape 3 years after. And if he has a girlfriend, I'm sure those dirty pictures are either gone, or found by the girlfriend. I had an experience where dirty pictures and videos were posted by people, and it did not ruin my life. There is SOOO much porn out there, it wouldn't be advertised, and no one you know would ever see it. You can also tell the police that it is a concern you have.

I can pretty much assure you he is doing this to others. I can also tell you "training" does not cause you to be a rapist. People will do strange things in WAR, yes, but our Navy is not at war so that is NOT his problem. He just slipped through the psychological testing. I can tell you he was this way before, it takes them time to show their colours sometimes.

I agree it is no excuse..and I agree that someone who didn't have it in them wouldn't have turned out that way. However, unfortunately you never know what someone is capable of especially when they are immersed in a certain type of culture..which is why you have to always make sure you are vigilant, take precautions and play it safe.

I don't need to see what you have written on your post, whatever the circumstances "No Means No, there are no excuses for someone violently forcing themselves on you" you could be standing naked in the middle of Piccadilly Circus in London, with a neon light flashing your intimate area, and that still wouldn't give anybody the right to violate you.

Yes, it is actually very important to understand how someone else's mind can work..because that is how we learn how to protect ourselves from possible predators. Part of helping someone is to show them how to take necessary precautions and to think about the dangers before walking into the situation. Empowering the woman to protect herself and not put herself in risky, dicey situations is extremely important.

Roxie48,

What a horrible experience, I'm sorry this happened to you. First off, you were indeed raped. And no, you didn't ask for what he did to you. In fact, regardless of the circumstances you and he had already each worked out your boundaries and safe words, he knew it as well as you did. So no, you didn't ask for what he did and very specifically you had already asked him not to do anal sex previously. That means he actually had more of a responsibility, not less, to honor and respect your boundaries. So when he chose to do something to you that you didn't ask for and had specified he not do and he knew that it hurt you and still kept going that's when it became rape. My take on this is that either something happened to him while he was at Navy training that screwed him up mentally or he was always like that and just biding his time to show you his true face. But regardless of what his excuse was it was an excuse to hurt you and that's all on him. Not you. And I hope you know not to ever respond to him again if he tries to contact you, not even to apologize for his behavior and just wants to meet to do that. He's already proven he's unstable and can flip from acting normal to psycho, so no he doesn't get a second chance at anything again, ever.

The only cue you had that something was wrong was in observing that he acted cold and indifferent that night. Unfortunately much like you and most other people in the world when someone flips from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde we aren't prepared at all for it and sometimes people hide what they are for a long time until they feel they no longer have to wear their mask. And the little voice of intuition that we often experience in such situations all too often gets told to hush. Personally the only reason I now listen to that little voice 100 percent is because I found myself in a few bad situations when I was younger and fortunately I learned before one of them killed me.

At this point I hope you find a sympathetic therapist or counselor to talk to since this still does bother you. And if the therapist acts like you asked for it or is critical of you then get up and walk out and don't go back, please. I've also included a link to an article I saw not too long ago on the very issue of what happened to you. link removed. I think if you read it then go to their website you may well find others who've had similar experiences, who will understand what you went through and again, and maybe you'll even find some answers there and people who can help you more. Good luck and know that you aren't alone and that what happened was not really on you since he acted so directly against previously established and agreed upon behavior between you two.

Yes, it is actually very important to understand how someone else's mind can work..because that is how we learn how to protect ourselves from possible predators. Part of helping someone is to show them how to take necessary precautions and to think about the dangers before walking into the situation. Empowering the woman to protect herself and not put herself in risky, dicey situations is extremely important.

Empowerment means nothing to some sickos. What he did was rape and what you aer doing is blaming the victim.

Putting herself in dicey situations means nothing. I dont care if a woman goes out at 3am waering a halter and mini-skirt. Rape is rape! He was wrong. its not about her not protecting herself, not about understanding his mindset. its about the fact he violated her against her will. We all have rights. She should be able to go where she wants with who she wants without getting violated. Geeze. Her only mistake was trusting someone she shouldnt. Rough sex is not rape. She was not asking for it. She said no anal and that is RAPE. After the he showed his disrespect by trying to humilate her.

Its not the military. There are plenty of good men who were in the military and dont rape women. Have a friend who was in the airforce and he protects others.

That is just a BS excuse.

And girly, 3 year is still long enough to make a case if you like and regardless as to whether you win, it will put doubt in the mind of all who know him including that fiancee, and may encourage others who know him and that he may have violated to come out and say something. You are NOT to blame. Not at all no matter what anyone, including this lady on here says. You are NOT! even if you choose not to press charges, get some help. Talk to a therapist or join a support group. Holding it in wont work.

My fiancee attacked by a former boss (lucking she decked him before he could do much). She didnt report it, and it bothered her until she talked about it with me. She never spoke to anyone about it. Get it out and talk to someone. Someone close, or a therapist. I would suggest a liscense therapist since they know what to say and what not to say.

Good luck

Three things:

1) You were most certainly raped. You said no and cried and he didn't stop. On behalf of all semi-sane men everywhere, you did NOTHING to deserve this other than take a badly calculated risk and I am so, so very sorry.

2) Given how much he changed I would be willing to bet that he suffered more abuse in his training than normal, and was quite possibly peed on and and even raped himself. Unless you read him completely wrong before he left, it sounds like he came back having experienced unusually serious hazing or other trauma, as I've had dozens of friends who went through training and came back quite normal.

3) Whether #2 is true or not doesn't matter whatsoever. It is NO excuse. He *will* do this again to other women if you don't say something. His anger issues could also very likely get an innocent killed if he's in a situation in the service with a weapon. Go report him and then get help, as it's the truly the only way you'll get past this and go on to live a healthy life.

Define: Risk Management

Risk management is the identification, assessment, and prioritization of risks (defined in ISO 31000 as the effect of uncertainty on objectives, whether positive or negative) followed by coordinated and economical application of resources to minimize, monitor, and control the probability and/or impact of unfortunate events or to maximize the realization of opportunities. Risks can come from uncertainty in financial markets, project failures (at any phase in design, development, production, or sustainment life-cycles), legal liabilities, credit risk, accidents, natural causes and disasters as well as deliberate attack from an adversary, or events of uncertain or unpredictable root-cause.

I COMPLETELY agree with crazyaboutdogs' assessment.

Roxie, did you practice good risk management?

1) Online dating site full of strangers that want sex. You admitted this wasn't the best idea yourself.

2) He started to become rougher than usual, you pointed this out, apparently he didn't listen. You didn't stop anything. This allowed him to push further. First bad clue.

3) You were afraid that he would trash the room? Costs be damned, I would have ran like hell after that. Not only could have you notified the police about the non-consensual anal sex, but you could have gotten him on the room trashing if it happened. Speaks to his character (in court).

4) Since you admittedly allowed some degree of rough sex during your relationship, it would be more difficult to actually convict him on rape. This isn't me saying what he did was right (It was wrong), but I'm sure there are a lot of couples out there who practice bondage and whatnot who say they have a safe word but actually don't enforce it when used. This is speculation on my part, but it wouldn't surprise me. Also taking pictures together (assuming you are smiling in some of those) just makes it harder for you. While he went against the rules of your agreement, your case of rape in a court of law may be harder to justify.

My advice for you to move on is to think hard and deep about this event and what happened. The whole point of bondage is to get the feeling of being taken advantage of in a safe environment. You must be willing to trust your partner not to push it too far. He pushed it too far, and if you feel that rape is the proper way to describe what went down, then you should prosecute. (Note that it shouldn't be it FELT like he raped me since rough sex can be rape play, but it has to actually be technical rape...if that makes sense...and it was...since you said the safe word but he didn't stop)

My whole point in the risk management deal was that while it is unfortunate what happened, you invited the risk into your life. You chose to have sex with someone on the internet from a website that can be considered a sexual community. You willingly agreed to rough play in your relationship. When you felt uncomfortable, you did not take the steps to stop but instead decided to continue along.

Maybe the man you were seeing couldn't handle the rush or whatever and it got out of control. I hope this never happens to you again and you can't trust everyone you meet online (or in real life for that matter

Yes you were raped. I am so sorry. None of this is your fault. None of it. You used the safe word - which means he should have stopped. I have engaged in master/slave roleplay and it has always been consensual. What a jerk.Please talk to a sexual abuse counselor or hotline near you to figure out your options. Sometimes reporting is not the best case for the victim because you have to relieve the trauma again. A trained counselor can help you figure out what is best for you! (hug)

I tend to lean toward with Crazyaboutdogs on this one in some ways.

You were not asked to be raped, no one is. You had a situation set up before his training and that's what you walked into after training. I agree with Crazyaboutdogs in that something shifted in his mind during training (be it the actual training or abuse during the training) and that was the change from before to after. Still not your fault. I as a abuse survivor myself highly recommend therapy. You may not think there are scars from this but you won't know if there are until put in a similar situation again, which if this is the lifestyle (sexually) you want you will.

OP, disregard the victim-blaming some users are expressing in this thread. You were raped, it was not your fault, and you should definitely report him.

Sorry this happened, but in my opinion, "rape" is not going to hold water if you wanted to have sex with him, you were agreeing to domination, you met on a website for the purpose of sex alone, you were laying on the bed in the rented hotel room in order to have sex and he did something that you felt crossed the line. That is actually more what happened....You got way more than you bargained for and now you are saying he raped you. You met him under the pretense of having a budding and you both wanted domination. He might have had a different idea of what that meant. Charging him might nearly be impossible if you wanted sex but just NOT anal sex.

I am sorry this happened. But I think it is more that your better judgement did not kick in here. In the future, don't meet guys on "sex website" - their character and intentions might be something you gloss over by YOUR desire to want unattached sex. And even if you agree to sex and something seems off - someone says they don't want it, acts un interested or cold, I know the temptation is to persuade them - but walk.

I know its 20-20 hindsight, of course. I know this is a trauma for you and I am not downplaying it - you should get help. But I don't think you can take yourself out of the equation and look at this as "what someone did to you". You are responsible for doing your best to protect yourself as well and learn from your experiences.

I know my opinion will not be popular.