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Thread: Was I raped? And was I "asking for it"?

  1. #11
    Forum Supporter ~Seraphim ~'s Avatar
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    I have been through military training myself and I have never become inhuman. It THIS particular guy. Report him to the military.

  2. #12
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    Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs
    I am not saying it does...but for some people, being in that kind of environment will cause things to snap in them. Just look at the people who urinated on corpses. I also wouldn't necessarily assume he was a rapist before he joined the military.
    I had the same thought, and it could be true. But regardless MOST people do not snap and rape people just because they joined the military. This girl had NO IDEA that this man would suddenly turn into a rapist after the navy. Did he go to war? no. All he did was training. This girl needs our help to go forward in telling a close friend what happened, and needs encouragement that she is not stupid, and was not asking for it, and should go to the police when she is ready. We don't need to argue about the psychology of the man, because what's important is the psychology of this girl's mind as a rape victim. We are helping her, not him. There is no "well you shouldn't have done this because he went into the navy" rape is rape. And he should serve time in jail so that no other girl has to go through what this innocent girl went through.

  3. #13
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    Also you can report rape 3 years after. And if he has a girlfriend, I'm sure those dirty pictures are either gone, or found by the girlfriend. I had an experience where dirty pictures and videos were posted by people, and it did not ruin my life. There is SOOO much porn out there, it wouldn't be advertised, and no one you know would ever see it. You can also tell the police that it is a concern you have.

  4. #14
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    I can pretty much assure you he is doing this to others. I can also tell you "training" does not cause you to be a rapist. People will do strange things in WAR, yes, but our Navy is not at war so that is NOT his problem. He just slipped through the psychological testing. I can tell you he was this way before, it takes them time to show their colours sometimes.

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  6. #15
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    I agree it is no excuse..and I agree that someone who didn't have it in them wouldn't have turned out that way. However, unfortunately you never know what someone is capable of especially when they are immersed in a certain type of culture..which is why you have to always make sure you are vigilant, take precautions and play it safe.

  7. #16
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    I don't need to see what you have written on your post, whatever the circumstances "No Means No, there are no excuses for someone violently forcing themselves on you" you could be standing naked in the middle of Piccadilly Circus in London, with a neon light flashing your intimate area, and that still wouldn't give anybody the right to violate you.

  8. #17
    Platinum Member Crazyaboutdogs's Avatar
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    Yes, it is actually very important to understand how someone else's mind can work..because that is how we learn how to protect ourselves from possible predators. Part of helping someone is to show them how to take necessary precautions and to think about the dangers before walking into the situation. Empowering the woman to protect herself and not put herself in risky, dicey situations is extremely important.

  9. #18
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    Roxie48,

    What a horrible experience, I'm sorry this happened to you. First off, you were indeed raped. And no, you didn't ask for what he did to you. In fact, regardless of the circumstances you and he had already each worked out your boundaries and safe words, he knew it as well as you did. So no, you didn't ask for what he did and very specifically you had already asked him not to do anal sex previously. That means he actually had more of a responsibility, not less, to honor and respect your boundaries. So when he chose to do something to you that you didn't ask for and had specified he not do and he knew that it hurt you and still kept going that's when it became rape. My take on this is that either something happened to him while he was at Navy training that screwed him up mentally or he was always like that and just biding his time to show you his true face. But regardless of what his excuse was it was an excuse to hurt you and that's all on him. Not you. And I hope you know not to ever respond to him again if he tries to contact you, not even to apologize for his behavior and just wants to meet to do that. He's already proven he's unstable and can flip from acting normal to psycho, so no he doesn't get a second chance at anything again, ever.

    The only cue you had that something was wrong was in observing that he acted cold and indifferent that night. Unfortunately much like you and most other people in the world when someone flips from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde we aren't prepared at all for it and sometimes people hide what they are for a long time until they feel they no longer have to wear their mask. And the little voice of intuition that we often experience in such situations all too often gets told to hush. Personally the only reason I now listen to that little voice 100 percent is because I found myself in a few bad situations when I was younger and fortunately I learned before one of them killed me.

    At this point I hope you find a sympathetic therapist or counselor to talk to since this still does bother you. And if the therapist acts like you asked for it or is critical of you then get up and walk out and don't go back, please. I've also included a link to an article I saw not too long ago on the very issue of what happened to you. link removed. I think if you read it then go to their website you may well find others who've had similar experiences, who will understand what you went through and again, and maybe you'll even find some answers there and people who can help you more. Good luck and know that you aren't alone and that what happened was not really on you since he acted so directly against previously established and agreed upon behavior between you two.

  10. #19
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    Originally Posted by Crazyaboutdogs
    Yes, it is actually very important to understand how someone else's mind can work..because that is how we learn how to protect ourselves from possible predators. Part of helping someone is to show them how to take necessary precautions and to think about the dangers before walking into the situation. Empowering the woman to protect herself and not put herself in risky, dicey situations is extremely important.
    Empowerment means nothing to some sickos. What he did was rape and what you aer doing is blaming the victim.
    Putting herself in dicey situations means nothing. I dont care if a woman goes out at 3am waering a halter and mini-skirt. Rape is rape! He was wrong. its not about her not protecting herself, not about understanding his mindset. its about the fact he violated her against her will. We all have rights. She should be able to go where she wants with who she wants without getting violated. Geeze. Her only mistake was trusting someone she shouldnt. Rough sex is not rape. She was not asking for it. She said no anal and that is RAPE. After the he showed his disrespect by trying to humilate her.


    Its not the military. There are plenty of good men who were in the military and dont rape women. Have a friend who was in the airforce and he protects others.
    That is just a BS excuse.

    And girly, 3 year is still long enough to make a case if you like and regardless as to whether you win, it will put doubt in the mind of all who know him including that fiancee, and may encourage others who know him and that he may have violated to come out and say something. You are NOT to blame. Not at all no matter what anyone, including this lady on here says. You are NOT! even if you choose not to press charges, get some help. Talk to a therapist or join a support group. Holding it in wont work.

    My fiancee attacked by a former boss (lucking she decked him before he could do much). She didnt report it, and it bothered her until she talked about it with me. She never spoke to anyone about it. Get it out and talk to someone. Someone close, or a therapist. I would suggest a liscense therapist since they know what to say and what not to say.
    Good luck

  11. #20
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    Three things:

    1) You were most certainly raped. You said no and cried and he didn't stop. On behalf of all semi-sane men everywhere, you did NOTHING to deserve this other than take a badly calculated risk and I am so, so very sorry.

    2) Given how much he changed I would be willing to bet that he suffered more abuse in his training than normal, and was quite possibly peed on and and even raped himself. Unless you read him completely wrong before he left, it sounds like he came back having experienced unusually serious hazing or other trauma, as I've had dozens of friends who went through training and came back quite normal.

    3) Whether #2 is true or not doesn't matter whatsoever. It is NO excuse. He *will* do this again to other women if you don't say something. His anger issues could also very likely get an innocent killed if he's in a situation in the service with a weapon. Go report him and then get help, as it's the truly the only way you'll get past this and go on to live a healthy life.

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