She did it again...

And I'm having the hardest time finding the courage to leave. Long story short, my wife of 7 months is mentally and verbally abusive. Everytime I pumped myself up for leaving her, our families shamed me for doing it, so I pulled back, but she just keeps acting out over and over .

The latest episode was yesterday. She was gone for the weekend at a family thing, and I was at home working all weekend. She called me on her way back to ask what food we need from the store, because she was going to stop on her way. All I did was mention that we don't need more bread, because there are several packs in the fridge. I asked her why she bought so much only for two of us...and that's when she got started.

When she got home, she immediately started on me. I did the dishes, ran the dishwasher, and there was one glass in the sink while the dishwasher ran. She asked me why the one dish was in the sink. She went through the dishwasher, and questioned why there was a shot glass in there. I said a had a drink the other day. She started to put away the food, slamming cabinets, pots, pans, you name it. I kept asking her to stop, and she just kept slamming things around.

My parents know all about her behavior, but they don't support me. No matter what she does they say it is all my fault, and my job as a husband is stay with her no matter what. When she didn't stop, I called them to ask what I should do. They called her on her mobile, and she proceeded to lie to them about everything - no she never screamed, no she never banged anything around, no she did nothing at all.

Then, at 10:30 last night, she calls my father in law. She said the same things to him. He asked to speak with me, and encouraged me again to go to counseling with her. Unlike my own parents, he didnt blame me, but said we need to work on issues. I just don't know how I can work on anything with someone who doesn't even admit she's wrong, lies, and constantly twists things around. At one point, he said that I should move out of our apartment, even though he knows if I moved home with my parents, I would be 2hours from work, and she would only be 45 minutes if she lived with him.

I keep threatening her with divorce, but I feel intimated by how she constantly lies to people, twists everything around. Now, my own family dislikes me, and I can't even have a phone conversation without them taking her side, even though they have seen for themselves how she verbally abuses me. They seem to care more about us just staying married rather than dealing with the issues. I also am having major problems finding the courage to leave and make the change. We've only been married for 7 months, but I just cant take it anymore.

I have been following your story for some time.

I really encourage you to leave, to get therapy for yourself, and to get your wife's behavior on video, or some combination of the three.

I'm so sorry you don't have the support of you parents. They need a swift kick in the rear-end several times with a steel toed boot IMO. Getting her a video would give you solid evidence for how she acts and then she can't lie.

You have two choices here: 1) Make everyone else happy and stay in an abusive relationship. 2) Make yourself happy and get out of the abusive relationship.

Well, or you could call Dr.Phil and take her butt on the national TV to be humiliated!

Oh, what about calling the police? If she is verbally attacking you and you feel scared of her, call them.

One of my first thoughts was why you continue involving your family in your marriage. It's ok to value their opinion, but you cannot live your life to make other people happy. Part of this IS your issue because you aren't making decisions for yourself. Your wife is very childish for calling your parents when you have a fight. She knows they are against you divorcing so she is using it to her advantage. This sounds extremely unhealthy. You need to tell your parents respectfully to back off. And then deal with your issues without other peoples influence. Otherwise...you come accross as weak with no backbone. JMO

There are a few things you need to do so you can get away from this situation.

First you need to stop looking to your family or hers for validation that you will be right to leave her and divorce her. It isn't their life it is yours so man up and do what you know you need to do before she screws up your head worse.

Second is that this is gone way beyond a new couple feeling each other out and learning to compromise on the little things in life while living together. She has an explosive personality when things aren't her way and that is not good. You have a choice and you know what you need to do and the longer you stay the more this is on you. What is there to save by staying? I know your story well and I know you can do this but taking the first step can be the hardest.

Third is that by removing yourself from this abusive cycle it will allow you to clear your head, get some good sleep and begin to think clearly. Stepping back a little should bring things into focus and then you will see ending this is really the only choice. The thing to remember is that once you run out of options the choice is made for you.

Does it matter what others think as you know the truth and the truth is that you tried and she didn't. Better to end it now after 7 months then 7 years don't you think?

You are not a failure because this marriage didn't work, you were fooled by someone that knew just what she was doing from the start.

Best wishes

Lost

How long did you date before you married? Was she doing this before you married?

Thanks for the kick in the pants.

I'm thinking about moving out. That would probably be the easiest thing to do. I live near an expensive city, but I could probably find someone renting a furnished room for a while so I can figure things out.

I'm really worried because everything we have is joint. Our current apt lease is joint and we have a year left. Our bank accounts and credit cards are all joint. Because of the she is, when I asked her to leave last time, she threatened that she would get a hotel. Up here where we live, that would drain our joint savings. I've asked her about just leaving our apartment, and sometimes she says yes, and other times she says no that I should leave. So, it seems easiest that I leave, but then what happens to our expenses associated with the old apartment? I hope I don't have to pay for all of that too if she stays there. One of us has to, as there's a lease.

QUOTE=lostandhurt;5363242]There are a few things you need to do so you can get away from this situation.

First you need to stop looking to your family or hers for validation that you will be right to leave her and divorce her. It isn't their life it is yours so man up and do what you know you need to do before she screws up your head worse.

Second is that this is gone way beyond a new couple feeling each other out and learning to compromise on the little things in life while living together. She has an explosive personality when things aren't her way and that is not good. You have a choice and you know what you need to do and the longer you stay the more this is on you. What is there to save by staying? I know your story well and I know you can do this but taking the first step can be the hardest.

Third is that by removing yourself from this abusive cycle it will allow you to clear your head, get some good sleep and begin to think clearly. Stepping back a little should bring things into focus and then you will see ending this is really the only choice. The thing to remember is that once you run out of options the choice is made for you.

Does it matter what others think as you know the truth and the truth is that you tried and she didn't. Better to end it now after 7 months then 7 years don't you think?

You are not a failure because this marriage didn't work, you were fooled by someone that knew just what she was doing from the start.

Best wishes

Lost

There is always a risk when leaving someone like this. You do need to protect yourself.

If you have savings then half of it is yours. If I were you I would withdrawal exactly half from the account and open a new account in your name only. The credit cards can be much more tricky. If you owe money on them then you are on the hook for half, if you don't then call them up and cancel them. She can get new cards in her name only. Others on here can probably give you some good advice as how to leave in as clean a way as possible and protect yoursself financially.

It would seem that you need to leave at least in the short term. Talk to your landlord privately about getting out of the lease. Sometimes you are only required to pay them until they find someone new to rent the place. They just don't want to loose money.

Your wife sounds like she may be vindictive so you should plan for the worse and hope for the best. Once you pull the trigger on this make sure you only meet her in public places of have someone with you. That way there will be witness's.

Take your time, be cordial and make a plan and don't say anything to anyone about what you are planning. It may take a few weeks to get all the pieces into place so hold on for a little while and once you are ready let her know that the marriage is over and the two of you need to split up.

I am so sorry this couldn't work for you. The pattern is clear so it is time to save yourself.

Lost

I highly advise contacting a lawyer to help you on these matters. I still think you should get her behavior on camera as evidence during your divorce.

Your Father-in-law probably knows that she is bat **** crazy. Forget about the opinions of others, if this situation was reversed people would be telling her to leave.

Pack some clothes and disappear to a buddy's house to get your head right. Leave her.

Why do you need the support of your parents in this matter? Is this the first time you have been living apart from your parents? You sound like a little boy crying for mommy and daddy because your big sister was mean to you. Sorry to be so frank but there is no tip-toeing around your lack of self-confidence.

Get yourself a button camera from one of those online spy stores and tape her behavior if you feel the need to have proof for your parents. Otherwise who cares what your or her parents think if YOU are miserable in this marriage. People divorce all the time.

The last thing you want to do is continue in this situation and she ends up pregnant and then you're in a whole lot more of a mess. If the thought of separating now without kids, seems overwhelming, talk to people who are divorced WITH kids and you'll be grateful. Yes it will be difficult in the beginning, but you have got to get some courage, and BELIEVE you derseve better. Then you have to realize that it's up to YOU to find the means to get better, and the first step is leaving. I'm with lost - get another account IMMEDIATELY, and transfer half of the funds.

I'd advise to not live with your parents, since they are not supportive anyway. What about friends? Push come to shove, rent a room. You just need clear headspace. Start communicating via emails/texts so you have record of things. Definitely make an appt with a lawyer asap.

Well, I was referred to a lawyer by a caring, supportive family member, and I've reached about about a free consultation, which will hopefully be tomorrow.

I had to block my dad completely out of my life - his texts, calls, and emails are all blocked. His last email to me was I'm an "untruthful, unclean, stupid bastard." When your son is being abused by his wife, who in their right mind writes emails like this? I was enraged, and I wanted to email him to tell him off or call him, but I just said it's not worth it. He's honestly sent me around 10 emails today just like this. It's like being in this situation isn't bad enough. I need my own father on me, and my father in law telling me I'm the one who should leave and endure a 2 hr commute, because my wife can't control herself and lies about it.

Now I get why he supports my abusive wife and not his own son - he's just like her. He was verbally and physically abusive to my mom growing up, so it's not shocking that when I tell him this he doesn't defend me. I really think on a subconscious level he's defending himself, because he sees himself in my wife.

I also looked up a few furnished rooms nearby I could easily move into to get away and actually save some money. I'm going to talk to the lawyer first, but I'm hoping I can give my wife the option - 1) she can leave, or 2) she can insist that she stays, which is fine, because I'll leave, and then I will ask our landlord to re-execute the lease in her name only, so I'm not stuck paying for two apartments. I'm sure she will try to make me pay for it all.

The last thing I'm trying to figure out is when/where to tell my wife that one of us has to leave and that I'm filing for divorce. If I tell her in our apartment, I am SURE she will become abusive and then blame it on me. We have a counseling appointment on Wed night, so I'm thinking maybe drop it in front of him. I'm not sure if that's appropriate though? We just started to see the guy. This will be our 2nd appointment. But, she will think twice before getting like that in front of him, but then the issue is she will probably act out once we leave.

Now you're starting to think clearly. Let your issues with your family take the backburner for now. Your home life is most important. When your home life is in disarray, everything is directly influenced. Good start with the research.

Since your wife is so volatile and abusive, you have to keep this in your forefront at all times. Things have gone way too far for giving her the benefit of the doubt. Secure your new living arrangements first. She's too unpredictable and unstable. I'd take a day off of work and move out when she's at work. I would not disclose your new address or anything of that nature.

You're still trying to be the nice guy and trying to treat her like the woman you wish she were, and instead of who she has PROVEN to be. This is not a marriage and you know it. Time to start thinking independently and taking care of yourself from here on out. You can do this.

Do NOT be alone with her when you tell her and keep you cell phone on you so if she becomes abusive you can call the cops. I think the best thing to to would be to bring it up with the therapist (after you have spoken with the lawyer) so when you leave the appointment you can see how she acts and go straight to a hotel if you have to.

Secure your new living arrangements first. She's too unpredictable and unstable. I'd take a day off of work and move out when she's at work. I would not disclose your new address or anything of that nature.

 

You're still trying to be the nice guy and trying to treat her like the woman you wish she were, and instead of who she has PROVEN to be. This is not a marriage and you know it. Time to start thinking independently and taking care of yourself from here on out. You can do this.

Good words.

Ifshe has to he there when you move out, get a friend to come with you in case she gets crazy...you'll have a witness.

You are on the right track...good luck!!

Ifshe has to he there when you move out, get a friend to come with you in case she gets crazy...you'll have a witness.

You are on the right track...good luck!!

 

Thanks, guys. You are being my support system when I basically have no one.

 

I wrote on this piece of paper a list of crazy things she's done lately to keep myself on track.

 

Last night, she came home and acted so sweet, nice, and sort of sad. I kept telling myself she's always like that after a big episode, and this is just her thing until it happens again. I reminded myself of the list I'm carrying around in my briefcase.

 

God help me I'll get out of this safe somehow. I can't ever see myself getting married again. It's so risky and people are crazy, but at least I'll be free to do my own thing by myself safely.

Thanks, guys. You are being my support system when I basically have no one.

 

I wrote on this piece of paper a list of crazy things she's done lately to keep myself on track.

 

Last night, she came home and acted so sweet, nice, and sort of sad. I kept telling myself she's always like that after a big episode, and this is just her thing until it happens again. I reminded myself of the list I'm carrying around in my briefcase.

 

God help me I'll get out of this safe somehow. I can't ever see myself getting married again. It's so risky and people are crazy, but at least I'll be free to do my own thing by myself safely.

I really like that list idea, to keep yourself in check and not get manipulated. I'm sorry this happened to you, I believe I remember you had another relationship with a selfish drama girl (this isn't the same one, right?). Stay strong.

It might be the same. Unfortunately, she's not the first aggressive person I've dated. I've written about others on here, and I've been a member for several years. The first time we saw the therapist, for whatever reason, he picked up that she's aggressive and said to me - so you tend to go for the aggressive types huh, and hinted that there may be a pattern there...

I don't know what it is - yes, I seem to be attracted to women who are forward, but of course I never wanted someone rude and abusive. My experience has been that the ones who are type A tend to be I'm never wrong, bully types. I'm not saying all "alpha females" are like that, but at least the ones I've dated are. I'm an alpha male type myself, so it doesn't really work for me.

I really like that list idea, to keep yourself in check and not get manipulated. I'm sorry this happened to you, I believe I remember you had another relationship with a selfish drama girl (this isn't the same one, right?). Stay strong.

Love the idea of the list. Once you get out and heal a bit it would be worth looking into why you are attracted to such aggressive woman. I know a guy like you, he is engaged to a woman who is a complete monster. She has hit him, spit on him etc. One time he shoved her away during a fight, now she brings it up every time they argue so he will feel guilty.

You seem like a really nice guy. Please keep us updated!

Well Done!!!

I like the way you are thinking now. The way you were talking at first you were a helpless victim but now you are taking control of your life and this situation.

I agree you should get a few more things lined up before telling her it is over. Talk to the lawyer, look into a place to crash and ultimately live if needed before you tell her. If the lawyer says it is okay to pull half the money out of the bank and freeze the credit cards then do that before you tell her. I don't know her but the way you describe her she has the potential to do some evil crap to get back at you for ending it.

Don't tell anyone of your plans, be cordial and take the high road always.

You are moving forward and doing what you have to do. I often tell people "I didn't want to get divorced, I had to" This it would seem describes you as well.

Lost

NPG....

Her sweet behavior is pretty typical of an abuser. Abusers often ACT sorry after an episode. Does she drink at all and does it get worse if she does? Just curious.

Sorry you don't have more support..it sucks big time. But you have it here..just keep remembering why you need to do this. Keep that list....

I think the first thing you need to do is speak with your employer; if you are having your paycheques directly deposited into a joint account, have that stopped! Maybe your employer will give you a few hours off to open a new bank account.

Secondly, any bonuses or extra money that you come into should be set aside for the move. Do you own any gaming systems that can be sold? Any jewelry or a mountain bike?

I made a getaway from my daughter's dad back in 1990, but it took seven months to complete. I had to find work, get a network in place, get some gov't assistance, and finally left the home when he was away working on the oilrigs. I did not give him my new address for months (he's bi-polar with many mental health issues)

I think your wife has similiar issues. Good luck!

I don't know what it is - yes, I seem to be attracted to women who are forward, but of course I never wanted someone rude and abusive. My experience has been that the ones who are type A tend to be I'm never wrong, bully types. I'm not saying all "alpha females" are like that, but at least the ones I've dated are. I'm an alpha male type myself, so it doesn't really work for me.

Well, the quick and dirty truth is that you are attracted to women like your dad and until you resolve that relationship you probably always will be attracted to rude and abusive women.