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Thread: New Journal

  1. #1
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    New Journal

    *I remember why I love(d) you.

    *I'm working too much. AGAIN.

    *I'm sick of looking over my shoulder and trudging amongst the squashed masses. Too many problems for this soul to handle.

    *Oh! So that is why. How much bloody pain on simple lack of understanding can cause! The difference between closeness and distancing. Will I ever change? Or is it enough to be known?

    *I hate bannock. Shut up about the god damn bannock already people.

    *I've never felt this way before. Ever. Don't know what it is. Except it is new.

    [video=youtube;xkte4TY12Zk] ]

    *Tonight is for looseness and floating. Tomorrow, activity and comprehending what it means.

  2. #2
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *I'm going to do more exercise again. It is good for my sanity. lol. Feel so refreshed.

    *My sleep has been a little wonky. Taking it for granted that these days, a good night sleep is a given. Will give that more attention.

    *No matter what, it is important to give back to oneself first.

    *About that thing I have been procrastinating about: it's time.

  3. #3
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *I'm super tired today. I want to keep track of how often this happens. Cut back appropriately. Add in relaxation + accordingly.

    *This seems to be the Year of the Babies. Another three have entered my life in the span of a month. All boys. Cute.

    *I'm way past due on shopping. I need: clothes (seriously). A new swim suit. And it wouldn't hurt to get a haircut while I"m at it.

    *There is no point beating myself up about anything. It's pointless. Anything.

  4. #4
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;O-2orxlB1K8] ]

    *I'll be okay regardless.

    *Lots to do, always lots to do, but it is so hot outside already I feel like I am going to pass out when walking around out there. Ouff poor polar bears! 22 c in Churchill and what the heck are they going to do?

    *Talking to that lady yesterday I was thinking, geez, what a deceitful little witch I can be sometimes. I'm nodding and sympathizing and inside all the while I am thinking "God damn, do you really think a MARCH is going to do anything but piss people off more?!". Well her heart is in the right place but jesus, that is just plain stupid! Well I can't say what I really want to say, and why not? Because I'll be called a racist. You'll get a look of hate in yours eyes and "oh how dare you." This multicultural utopia is hardly what the veneer says it is supposed to be.
    Can't they see that people are soooo sick of these marches and protests and taking over the streets to interrupt their regular programming? It's not about race - it's about class divide. Do they actually want a SOLUTION or do they want to play the victim card ad infinitum? Do they realize that is how they are perceived by people working 60+ hours a week, plus if they have spouses it's ALWAYS a dual income family, working their tails off to get to where someone who simply sits around wailing gets for free?! And you want to interrupt their way to work and think that will work to get what you want?
    Rant for the day.

  5.  

  6. #5
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *Tired again.

    *Feeling kind of low today. Physically, emotionally, mentally. I think all the excitement has worn me out. And that I am a bit worn out in general lately. Not good.

    *Well, and I felt disappointed too today. Don't know what I expected? But I think I need to get my mind more focused for now.

    *yeah, and last night I found myself unable to get a proper sleep and getting up to punch my couch pillows and quietly yelling "f! F! f!" over and over again. Now what the heck does that mean?

    *sometimes things feel like they are on fast forward emotionally. This is one of those times. I've gone from high to low to somewhere in between, conflicted to confident, happy to sad, free to feeling restricted again. Oh man.

    *I'm hoping this is something a good nights rest will cure and it will make sense. But my heart already has this idea that things are so drastically different now, and that even I don't really know what is going on, that this is destined to be a crash n' burn. And no, I'm not talking about love and romance here but just something I really wanted. That this is the accepting part of "some things I want I can not get". But it blows.

    *About love and romance though, you know I am starting to really think that these cell phone people can never satisfy me no matter how tolerant I try to be and no matter how tolerant they try to be. I mean those men who have their cell phones going at all times. I guess I do like to feel like I am worthy of someone's full attention. In fact, it is really important to me. Now this brings up old feelings too, about sleeping and that cell phone was right by the pillow. About spending time together, and then the cell phone would either beep for texts or rings for a call, and though at least half the time (you) would either ignore it or leave it for later, it still bugged me. It bugged me a lot. And I never got over that in all those years. And I don't think I ever will "be ok" with it. Not with (you) and maybe not with anyone. I think of my friends, and yeah we have our cell phones, but not like that. Just anyone - I want to spend time with you, give my full attention to you, and yeah I like the attention too. Is that wrong?

    *Also, I don't like last minute time together....if we can't at least spend some time together. A few hours. More is even better. What is the point of either one of us running around for a bit here and there? I just am not cut out for it.

    *I won't be with someone who makes me feel insecure. About them wanting to be with me. About their ability and desire to be true. I mean, just true. Is this so crazy?

    *I promise, to myself, to be a better woman moving forward. It's not going to guarantee me anything. And it might not even help. But it's just for me. I've been alone a good long while. I won't throw out all I have learned.

  7. #6
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *I am feeling okay today, better than yesterday, and so wanted to make note of that too.

    *Sore, though.

    *Things did look different today. Maybe I was just so tired? To be safe I am going to bed early again tonight.

    *When I stay focused on doing healthy things, I feel so much better. Good food, good company, good sleep. And not too much work! And more time doing things I love! And that is the track to stay on.

    *I do need to make some adjustments in how I am spending my time but the bigger decisions are going to have to wait until I am better rested and feeling even better. I find myself making poor decisions when trying to make them during tired, or emotional, times. So I'll make some space to rest and get my perspective and make these decisions.

  8. #7
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *Spotting definite trends here. Attracted to: laid back, polite people. There's always some granola. haha. Then, I get frustrated. I feel pressure. Why?
    I can't keep in key with such consistent easy-going ness. But I try. Why?! I get frustrated because I like clear lines. But I'm a glutton of curiosity. And yeah, I walk into that each time.

    *On the other end of the spectrum, I'm attracted to people with high expectations of me. Of themselves. They have very clear lines. Then, I get frustrated. I feel pressure. Why? I can't keep in key with such consistent predictability, reliability. But I like to try to rise to the challenge. And yeah, I walk into that each time too.

    *I'm not quite there yet. But I will be.

    *It's finally raining. And yeah, I've been feeling very introspective today. And it hurt, but I realized I can't do anything past this point without compromising myself. Which is something I chose not to do. At the end of the day, that is what matters. Did I do something that is going to take me further or something that is going to take me away. Today I turn, and it is towards the future.

    *thanks for the song. Good to see him with an acoustic in his hands again.

  9. #8
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *Yay, got a new family doctor! Maybe finally some resolution coming my way. I really clicked with him, talked easily, liked how professional and caring he seems already. And he doesn't piss around! lol. My kinda guy.

    *Which got me thinking why didn't I think of the obvious and it's probably time again for a b12 shot. The way I've been dragging lately.

    *Great talk today. I really enjoyed it. ANd it felt so good, especially touching to me, to have you say how you feel so appreciated when with me. Really?! Woo hoo!! Didn't express this...but often I worry and wonder about how my actions may come accross as uncaring or somewhat detached or snarly. It is so awesome to have some people in my life who I am able to just be with...and my affection and ways of showing are seen for what they are. Cause truth is, I do appreciate you...more than you know. I am fortunate to have people to appreciate! lol.

    *10 hr shift today, long, was tired for at least half of it. But not bad. Coming home today and walking around, I was seeing things I probably have seen thousands of times before, but it looked different. Details popped. Things I hadn't noticed before. Different perspective? Different lighting? Different feelings in me colouring it? Welllll whatever it is, it was pretty great. Had a big dopey smile on my face. Felt inspired.

    *Gonna get a good sleep tonight and ....moose ribs tomorrow! Ok, so I am trying to stay away from that eggplant curry but I just can't resist moose. It's not unhealthy! Just the fact that they'll probably have way too much food out there and I might go into feast mode. I'll have to eat shortly before; yeah, there is the compromise. Hmm....craving meat...

    *More later....good mood today.

  10. #9
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;p-djnf3dLUg] ]

    *Woke up with this song in my head. Went for a walk. Love these early morning walks by myself when I don't have to work. Sometimes it is nice to have company on them, but most of the time it's great to be out wandering by myself and get a chance to get my mind together....or not. This morning I really remembered all the things I love about being on my own and living alone, maybe after so much people all day yesterday. I love being able to listen to my crappy music whenever I like, or not, just have quiet sometimes. I love being able to strip down when I walk in the door and not worry about who is around or not. I love the freedom and peace of it. Though there is no doubt there is real benefits in living with others. And I know I can be hard to live with. hee. But maybe at some point there will be someone who would be cool with my eccentricities, and I won't have to make all kinds of compromises to have harmony. Some compromises, but I don't really want to change who I am or how I am too much. I think in the past I was too rigid and too defensive really about protecting out my personal time and personal space. That causes problems. But really there is no reason there can't be more blending, it will just take things being right and on my end anyways letting go of some of my associations from growing up I guess. Where there was almost never a chance for me to be in a room and breathe alone, where I couldn't wake up without someone or usually many someones all over the god damn house.

    *Meh. I'm being more forthright and it's not taking as long to get to the point when it comes to expressing my feelings for people lately, but but but people are so weird honestly. lol. More and more, I just don't even want to say much of anything about it "it" being some declaration of anything, I just want to be and hopefully have a good experience and have people not be too fruity loops with me ...just have honest conversations, build honest relationships, be a real person. What else can I be? Or they be? Well there are all sorts of things people can do with themselves and their time and it's not all real, by which I mean a lot of waste out there on bs. But whatever, it's how it is.

    *I have really missed talking politics and I have really missed cotton shirts. So snuggly. Also I have missed that sense that I used to have, and is coming back this summer, of the possibility of all types of outcomes and lifestyles and a way of life that is just right for me, with people to share it with. For a long time now, I've felt sort of between worlds: i'm not this, I'm not that, I'm not in your culture or that culture or this, I'm a glorious mutt. And I love it now. I can make whatever I want of it.

  11. #10
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    I really like the song you posted, I will buy it What is it about?

    I also understand what you wrote about living alone. I live with 3 more people and some days I would like so much to just feel free in the house and leave the toilet door open, leave all the dishes, have the music loud, sing my heart out, not be woken up by noise..and the list goes on !

    Must be nice, like coming to a little haven.

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