New Journal

That's making a lot of sense and hitting some buttons. Safety blanket. An identification of who one is, even if it's painful stuff. A desire for things to make sense, and not being able to let go until they do.

If this is true, then the next logical step would be.....going to think about it and come up with something today. Let it percolate at work.

Special K, eh? Good cereal. That doesn't sound crazy at all. That sense of being at home, belonging, warmth, comfort. Actually I relate to that a lot. I think you are on to something there.

I know you posted it about a month ago, but I just wanted to thank you for sharing the song Above the Bones. I'd never heard it before and I really like it.

Ahh, LikeWater, I'm glad you do! He has other good songs, but that is one of my favorites. Keep the tunes rolling in your end too - you've got listeners (me, for one). I don't post often in others journals but I read and listen quite a bit.

Don't worry, I'm sure I'll be posting plenty more songs in my journal as time goes on. Nice to know I have at least one listener.

You do the same. You for sure have more than one listener, so keep 'em coming! You have a very broad taste in music, which is great, and you've unknowingly introduced me to a few songs I'd never have found otherwise.

*I watched some fights (UFC) and was surprised at my aversion to blood and injury. There was a time when I enjoyed very much seeing a guy get knocked right out, submitted til his face turned red, or even a good gash to the eye. I haven't been lately. I've been really turned off by it. I still enjoyed some of the fights and some of the action, but not like before. I think before the appeal was mostly...bloodlust?! There might be something sick about that but if there is it's shared by many many people. Anyways, I'm not 'feeling it' anymore.

*Yesterday I randomly met a guy who reminded me of my ex. It was strange because I never do, never have, if anything it was the opposite. Nothing and nobody reminded me of him at all. And it's pretty rare, actually this is the first time, that someone has the physical and other characteristics that make it all click into something like resemblance/remembrance. I knew it was a stranger but I did find myself feeling feelings towards the ex towards this guy, and as much said so at one point. Right around where it became obvious that he wanted to take me out for 'breakfast' at some other time and I knew I had chatted with him too long. He laughed it off and said something about that being a new one - he wasn't exactly a ladies man. I ended up telling him the reasons why I was with my ex, and what I liked about him, and why we aren't together anymore. There was something so important about this moment for me. Talking to a stranger and telling my story about the ex in a very simplified and honest way. I was able to articulate it in a way I haven't before and put it in a perspective that was somehow new.

Anyways, we will never see each other again. That was part of what allowed me to do it.

*I need to talk to my boyfriend. Does he want this kind of relationship? I have to be honest with him. I have to be honest with myself. I don't see us moving in and taking trips together this summer. I don't know what is around the bend. I'm not interested in anybody else. I'm just stuck and he can't change that for me. I have to do that for myself. I can't ask for him to wait. He has been talking about children a lot lately. He has waxed on the idea of being a father. Putting himself in that scenario. We have talked at length about kids - other people's kids, our ideas about kids, what kind of parents we would want to be, so much about it. I need to know what it is he is thinking now.

*on the topic of kids, I've been thinking a lot about that too. It's not a longing, exactly, but just an openness to even think about it as a real possibility again and what would that be like? what would life be like? I 100% know that I would enjoy being a mom, that was never a question. And I think I would be a good one, though of course I have my mini doubts on certain issues and topics, but the question really is could I ever commit to being a mom?! When my cat died last winter, I didn't get another pet, even though I love cats and dogs, because I didn't like the responsibility. lol. I laugh but it's true - like a kid myself, I like the fun times but not the responsibility. I do step up, but is that enough? Is that how it is for others, or do others really want that responsibility, like it?! Well I'll leave this for another posting time too...just has been in my head lately...

*having trouble falling asleep. grrrrrrr. I'm starting to get used to regular people hours. Not this crazy getting up half the time when the rest of the world sleeps.

Be Warned! This song may make you puke..but I had it stuck in my head all day...after seeing a thread about smoking!

[video=youtube;4TV_128Fz2g] ]

*2012 I was a stumblin', almost completely smoke free, but errm not exactly. Off to a great new year, no smoking!, feel great, and feel great about it, but it doesn't hurt to remember "it's just a cigarette".

*I'm tired from getting such a crappy sleep last night. to have a nap, or to stay awake?! hmm..

*found out there is a candy factory right near my work that I didn't even know about! Nobody in the neighborhood really knows about! It looks exactly like an old abandoned building. Shady enough looking even that I thought it might be some sort of flop house. See some people rarely go in, people almost never coming out?! Have stood there taking pictures, even have some very awesome pics of the building itself, and no one ever bothered me or came in or out. Anyways, met a few of the workers finally and asked 'what is this place?!". Well, it's a candy factory! Huuuuuhhh. Wondered why a few days there very early in the night/morning it smelled like maple syrup...a great big pancake breakfast wafting almost. And yay, now have another candy connection. The neighborhood is a strange place of goings on that even locals don't know what all is going on. They don't sell it - they ship it in case lots only. And it's not open to the public. Amongst this place and the little coffee house (literally, a house!) that roasts beans and will make blends for you, amazing! So that was fun. Getting a taste inside the caramel house today.

*School! Yaaah! In another life, I would have been a professional student. lol. But I didn't want to be a bum! I love school though. I love learning new things, and academics comes super naturally to me. Poo poo that I chose to be working class. Not for the rest of my life, suckas! Working my tail off now and no one will ever be able to say I never earned what I've gotten - I've earned everything. Every little drop that has come to me. And will not be that woman at 60 working because she has no choice. She has no choice. Or that woman who married, and woo, all of a sudden she has a better standard of living. I do think less of these women (and men). The boss' wife walks in with a fur coat and getting 30 K in dental work, lives a gorgeous house, trips, education for her kids. Hasn't worked a day in her life. "oh but she works hard at home." I don't care. We all work hard at home! Sorry but I don't think being a 'home maker and wife and mother' counts. Good for you, but if you choose to get married - isn't it a given that you should try to be a good wife? And if you choose to have kids - isn't it a given that you should strive to be a good parent? How does that exempt oneself from pulling ones own weight financially? As a citizen and provider? Gah?! Obviously I don't think the boss, nor anyone who gets in these arrangements is a victim. They got into it freely and get their own benefits out of it. Like he gets to crack jokes about his wife nagging at him, and he gets to crap jokes about having to stay late at work, and he gets to feel like a big man. lol. But seriously. I don't want to nor will I ever be one of those women. And I'm not picking on people who stay home to raise their kids - provided they don't see it as their free pass. Someone can just as easily be a moocher and be working, going to school. Lots of moochers in the world looking for a free ride! It's just that particular paradigm of men-women that irks me : women want money, men want tail and someone to raise his kids. Barf.

*I'm going to work even harder, in a better way. I judge myself for being lazy sometimes. Perhaps a tiny bit of it is taht part of me that is a hard ass and is too judgy, perhaps most of it though is genuinely knowing I can do better. I know I can.

*Relationships...bring the better me to the table more often and I won't have to fret and analyze so much. Won't 'have to' is less the case, more like, won't feel some pull and satisfaction to do it.

that's enough for today. some ranting, not all of it worthwhile, but gets some of it out to be used and refined at least..refined...sometimes I feel quite coarse...a diamond in the rough....only trying to bring out the sparkle...unearth it...yay.

KA BOOM!!

Pay attention. Listen when somebody speaks. Watch when people act. Pay attention. What is the cost here? What is the cost of not paying now, and walking around in oblivion?

What I put in, what I take out. What I give, what I receive.

Less convincing, more listening.

Less reaction, more action.

Less enduring, more creating.

What are you worth? What do you deserve?

Less conserving, more investing.

Less defending, more advancing.

Less fighting, more accepting.

Pay attention and celebrate. Cherish what you've got.

Less mourning, more embracing.

I'm letting go of the thoughts that do not make me strong.

There was huge potential for me to be very upset yesterday. I feel like I won a victory with a choice. A choice - instead of my habitual squirming, my habitual default to running over how to express how and why it upset me, why it's wrong, why it's NOT ACCEPTABLE - I forced myself to try embracing it.

What happened? I found it was possible to find a bit of happiness in it. To find a moment of joy and even spread some joy, in a cauldron of discomfort and confusion.

Letting go...maybe it's not some one big moment...but a gradual shift....I don't have to drop the coconut all at once. First I can let my fingers loosen just a little bit...experiment with how that feels...what changes...what it would be like to put it down....bury it...eat it...any number of things...

Not only hold it dear or chuck it!

It's alright to play a little. To not get it just right on the first go.

Oh I love you coconut! Oh I hate you coconut! Oh coconut!! You are not a magical coconut.

I want to hold your hand....

[video=youtube;D92Lyxj7U7Q] ]

KA BOOM!!

 

Pay attention. Listen when somebody speaks. Watch when people act. Pay attention. What is the cost here? What is the cost of not paying now, and walking around in oblivion?

 

What I put in, what I take out. What I give, what I receive.

 

Less convincing, more listening.

 

Less reaction, more action.

 

Less enduring, more creating.

 

What are you worth? What do you deserve?

 

Less conserving, more investing.

 

Less defending, more advancing.

 

Less fighting, more accepting.

 

Pay attention and celebrate. Cherish what you've got.

 

Less mourning, more embracing.

************

Yayy! Handled a delicate situation like a champ! Even with grace. Grace?! Old ham handed IAG handled something with grace?! Yeah, I did! Yeah, I did!

Distancing oneself without violence.Without loud protests and indignation. Without resignation. Without feeling like it is a defeat. Without tears. With discomfort but very little pain. And how much of that discomfort is the discomfort of being outside my comfort zone?!

Violence. A reoccurring theme in my life. There is the obvious forms of violence. There are the more subtle forms of violence.

*there's a lot on my mind tonight. today. sundays have a way of being that way. maybe because it is my day to be lazy. be a homebody and cap the week. regardless. it's things I carry around with me and make their big reveals. hey listen to me! i'm trying to tell you something!

*my birthday is in a few months. i feel a little nervous about this one. something about hitting closer to the middle of thirties scares me. next you blink and you are 40. which doesn't seem so awful in itself but it makes you think. no matter what a person does, you can't change age. it's totally out of your control. maybe that is what is scary. i feel like i should be more put together at this age, too, and that has weighed on me for years. but being a full adult now, the realities of it are different. it's not something looming in the future that is like a sort of dread. a panic or anxiety, to do such and such or be such and such. it's more like, now, trying to come to terms completely. with what has gotten me here, where i am, and where i am going. and is it an alright life? is it worthy? what about regret: past ones, present ones, ones I am deciding now to either create for the future or choose another way. I don't know. I do know i am not as 'cool' with this particular time as usual. I know i am changing, i know things are changing, i'm still not sure about how i orient to all that and how i feel about it. i'd rather be ok with it and embrace it than the alternative. i'll find a way. I've been thinking a lot about age(s) and aging and not in a particularly bad way, just thinking and absorbing what people are doing and telling me. it's interesting. it's not the first time nor the last for me, and same goes for other people. we all go through our own things. one of the most 'put together' and generally awesome/responsible/smart/stable people I know is going through his own version as 40 peeks in on his consciousness. it's weird watching it, hearing it, but what do I expect? he is human too with his own particular insecurities and struggles.

*on the subject of age, when I read that Stomping Tom died I was sincerely sad to hear that. A convo started about him and you know what? His admission of knowing he was going to die, he "was done, had his fill", other people found that sad but I found that beautiful. He lived to a ripe old age, lived his life the way he loved, and confronted Old Man Death with a shake of the hand. There is something so dignified and beautiful about that. Reminded me too of when my step dad passed. his death was less 'natural' and less in old age, a battle with cancer, but he approached it with a shake of the hand. God I was so lucky to have him in my life too! He set a bar about dying that I had never encountered before: all the death I had known before had been so violent. Sudden. Unwanted, inconsolable, inexplicable to my mind. My friend said "yeah I guess when you put it that way, what better way is there to go? we all gotta die." Yeah we do. And isn't a gift if you allowed to somewhat set the terms - "I've had my fill now, I'm old, bye my friends, my love, my world".

*change is unsettling to me, and doesn't that make me simply like everyone else? there are all kinds of imaginative ways to fight change. to fight life. some are conscious decisions, some are not. but i want to LIVE. I want to 'get my fill'. I want to feel and look back later and go "heh that was awesome! this is awesome! you guys are awesome and this has meant a lot to me. thanks for everything! you are the best!" . Am I doing that?!

*sometimes so many things seem to happen at once, so much changes at once, it's hard to keep up. to keep a pace, to set a tone, to make anything but nasty noise out of it. can't be in harmony all the time. no. and there's nothing wrong with some harder nastier music sometimes. i just don't believe it is a place to stay, a place to live. it has no home. it is not a home. at least not for me. somebody is trying to make a home out of wind. what will the results be? I can guess, theorize, hypothesize, and predict. But still, got to watch and see. some people think that home is me. do i keep a crowded house? I tried hard, and succeeded too well, at keeping a minimal home. Yet still the winds blew through, and that made me very sad and upset. I've had periods where, the house was very crowded indeed, and sometimes snuggly and warm with one. One only and that was good for a while. Probably, my favorite. People work hard every day to try and sustain that kind of home. And sometimes they succeed, if for a time, or if not completely. Sometimes it is very good. I like that - someone to keep going back to, again and again. Maybe I'll get lucky and have that again.

*Ginger tea with honey. In a very classic white hotel cup and saucer. I had gone to this big blowout and bought: hotel wares all in pristine white. Lots and lots of soft soft big white towels. The whole sets. White drinking ware and soup spoons. Always seem to be drawn to things associated with places that are not conventionally homes, but have felt like it to me. Staying in a hotel was a moment of peace and security. It had a purity. So much eating and drinking from the communal pots. It lost its allure. It lost something, came to be associated to me with disappearing. Getting a coffee even from an industrial machine seemed more personal, special. the mind is very clever, it spins its own truths of things, infuses its own meanings.

*yup, we are very different. I was wondering on men and always seeming to go for the politically charged ones, just so strong in one direction. Idealists. And we never agree on all the important things. But I wouldn't mind if we did. I think I am attracted not to the message itself, but that drive. That drive to make a change happen. To assert a world view. To stand up and be counted. I'm just going to think about that for a while. And what does it mean moving forward.

*met this little girl who looked a lot like me as a kid today. Even her mother pointed it out "holy crow, there is a resemblance!?" . Felt this big rush of gushing motherly feeling. Shhhhh, don't tell anybody. Though how obvious can it get? Yeah I'm human and sometimes I think of what it would be like to have kids. Lately, a lot. I hate being a cliche. lol. It's not like I feel like my life needs to be completed by being a mother. But I haven't been spending enough time lately with the kids - I miss my times with the kids. Kids do bring a certain something to life. So I'll just do that and explore this a little more. Just that little girl sparked something for me - she even displayed personality traits like me. Stubborn, hilarious, physical little girl. And in the next minute, huge smiles and so friendly. It made me think too of my own mom. How hard it must have been for her, being the type of person she is, having a kid like me! lol. A kid like me would have been a handful...and it doesn't let up. Always asserting oneself and changing. And my mom is a very gentle soul...rough on the outside at times..but she's gentle. And thrives best with things kept light and happy and fun - too much intensity wears her right out quick, sends her reeeling. Anyways, it would have been quite a test of her raising me...one thing I am lucky for...she loved me. Honestly did and does. Another thing I am lucky for, to have her actually a part of my life now, sober and the two of us engaging as adults...it's a frigging blessing. Sometimes life does turn out on the sweeter side, even when it starts a bit rougher.

The little girl..climbed right up on my lap after not much time together...her mom was pretty surprised...said that's not very usual...instant pals. Just felt a connection with this kid. Very cool encounter and time.

My day was pretty awesome overall. Even without my usual coffee (didnt even miss it today, forgot to miss it). And even without everything going perfectly. Just a good day. Yay for that. And it's not over yet. Gotta love those days where you are just happy for more to come.

*there is so much going on in the world, so many big changes. Can't believe it. Everything as an angsty teenager that we were talking about, and how it would be our generations' time to deal with these issues, is coming to a head and here to be dealt with and lived with. hehe. Exciting, yes?!

*big land settlements going down, hearing more about it today. interesting, interesting. everyone is so charged up.

Here is a new one "Want to get together and two Métis will make a Treaty?" arggghh hahaha. groannnnn.

Note to self: pump up the physicality. Need. More. I should be in bed right now! I should be sleepy and exhausted - but I'm not! The fantastic thing is it is not anxious or stressed out energy, it's just energy. So tomorrow, more exercise. Feel like a little kid that needs 'wearing out'. lol.

In a survival situation

if you want to survive

you do not take unnecessary risks

your best chance is to be methodical.

I forgot how vivid dreams are when there is no food in my stomach.

I forgot how big psychological advantages there are in the simplest things.

I forgot why we eat meat.

In a survival situation

a person can get hard

and yet the gentlest they will ever know

a common ancestry

in being human.

in what it means to be alive.

and what it means to find meaning.

*What do I know?? Biggest question on my mind as of late.

*"I have no one else to talk to." ....people want to open up to me?! It's a curious thing. "no one else to talk to"...so why me?!

*Stood out there looking at the moon, saw some deer around again. Feeling very elemental. My friend gave me a pair of beautiful hand made moccassins. Summer mocs. I always wanted my own pair. Summer ones: I've had some really beautiful mukluks and even sealskin kamiks (however, can't wear those out in a city, sealskin is too controversial). The ground is still frozen with ice and snow. But in the summer, I'll be able to wear them and feel the ground beneath my feet. Wearing them now inside. Start to work my own particular form into the leather. Standing outside last night, had a realization, an epiphany. My crust?! Here is the verbalization for it finally.

The world is a very sad place, in my eyes and heart, so often. My heart hurts at all the suffering, the pain, the endless and daily batterings on the human soul. I am sensitive to suffering. A total stranger can break my heart. That feeling. Where your whole body gets warm with it, your stomach aches, your head pounds.

Angry? Feeling inadequate. Another assault, another beat on someone. Or simply another fact of life. My problem is I want the world to be simpler.

Something close to my mocs.

IAG,

You are such an interesting woman. I know your journal isn't filled with happiness and rainbows or anything, but the way you express yourself is truly captivating, and you say so many things that I completely agree with.

Thanks for being so open... so honest and expressive within your journal.

*I've really beat myself up over the years over how I behaved in my last relationship. I'm ready to let that all go now. I don't have to repeat any of it, the bad stuff. And how bad was the bad stuff? Honestly, it's forgivable. Forgivable and more.

So some of the things that I did right, and that I am proud of from that time in how I treated him and how I behaved:

*Never once even entertained the thought of cheating. Took this one for granted because, cheating isn't in my nature, people who seek to get side attentions from me pissed me off lol too. But why take it for granted? It's a good quality of mine, and something he never had to worry about. I was a devoted partner.

*I never withheld affection, attention, or sex. Again, took this one for granted, because it is part of me. Even in our rough patches, I never 'punished' him with crap like that. If I'm with you, I'm with you. He got a lot of positive attention from me, through out the entire relationship.

*I was independent and didn't ever smother him. I got jealous sometimes, but always controlled it. When he had to leave for months at a time, never gave him grief about that. Respected his independence as a person, and that everything did not have to include me or for me to be there.

These are just a few of them that came to mind today. Reflecting on where I am at, and what I left behind. Will add more later. Think it would be good for me to reaffirm what is good about me and what I have done right in my past - lots of focus has been on what was wrong and what I did wrong and what went bad. That's no good for me or for what I am doing now.

My heart doesn't feel torn about him anymore. There aren't strong feelings back and forth, about loving him or wanting him or loathing him or being angry at him or being 'shocked' again at something he has done, or being hurt that he couldn't give me what I needed anymore. Couldn't give me what I needed anymore. Maybe that is it, in a nutshell. Our time together was basically good, for a long time. Then things changed, I changed too. He doesn't change much - it's a strength of his and a weakness, it is what it is. Even after all this time, he doesn't understand what it is to not be so self motivated. Do I believe he loved me? Yes, I do. Do I believe he hit his wall with me? Yes, I do. That was the max he could give - and I got it - and I can't beat myself up over that anymore.

I truly want him to be ok these days, more than that, well. Which is a huge thing. Doesn't change that I can't stay in touch with him, and probably never will feel okay with that. We were too much for too long - can't ever go to friends. I don't think I would want to anyways? As friends, we would end up vitriolic half the time - the same passions and strength of wills on both our sides would not translate the same without the bonds we used to share. Sex and togetherness had a way of diffusing a lot of the potential for conflict with that, brought it together. But as friends who used to be lovers? No. We'd eventually be at each others throats.

I have this visualization of us standing two sides of a line. Our relationship was meeting right on the line. There never was one or the other crosses to the other person's side, only for visits. And the 'wrong' or 'right' issue, sent the two of us to our respective sides again - fighting to the bitter end, we would. It's not a life time partnership, never could be, except if it was one written for a novel. Which isn't what I was looking for, and still aren't.

For years after we broke up, I tried desperately to bury the war hatchet. But my fingers always ached to dig it back up, taste blood again.

Now. It is buried. Has had time to sit for a while. Freeze up under the snow. Haven't visited that haunt in a long while. And am content to leave it be, never see it again.

Long long time ago, someone said about "getting to a place where you not only are ok with things, but actively wish good on the other. Good health, happiness, them finding love again even, and wishing them even lots of children!!". I remember responding, well I can understand wanting to get and getting to a lot of that...but not the having lots of children! Why do I have to wish that they propagate, that is a step toooo far!!

I wouldnt jump up and down for joy of it now, but finally have arrived at a place where, if there was a child or children for him, I'd be alright with that. No huge conflicts of emotions. And just hope baby would be healthy and well, and he would take the opportunity to be a good father, and no hard feelings, just you gotta live your life, and if that is what you chooose....well good luck with it. I wouldn't entertain thoughts of sabotaging it or stopping it or getting in your way. I'd just be somewhere else, like I am now.

Now to go out there in the snow and get to work. What a lot of snow again! Love the snow, but the spring will be good too this year. No dread about that at all, and that feels good.

Yayy! Handled a delicate situation like a champ! Even with grace. Grace?! Old ham handed IAG handled something with grace?! Yeah, I did! Yeah, I did!

 

Distancing oneself without violence.Without loud protests and indignation. Without resignation. Without feeling like it is a defeat. Without tears. With discomfort but very little pain. And how much of that discomfort is the discomfort of being outside my comfort zone?!

 

Violence. A reoccurring theme in my life. There is the obvious forms of violence. There are the more subtle forms of violence.

I understand you there. I have the ability to be violent. I just choose not to be. However, maybe that is part of the reason I joined the Forces so I could put out aggression in an acceptable way? I could "act" being brutal and it was acceptable. I could fire off weapons. I could be aggressive because it was required. I could act like a man and it was acceptable and even encouraged.

I understand you there. I have the ability to be violent. I just choose not to be. However, maybe that is part of the reason I joined the Forces so I could put out aggression in an acceptable way? I could "act" being brutal and it was acceptable. I could fire off weapons. I could be aggressive because it was required. I could act like a man and it was acceptable and even encouraged.

That makes a lot of sense, Vic. I think that is a big part of what drew my godmom to the Forces too. And as you know, she's always been a big part of my life.

For me, it's mostly been sports which has been my outlet. Team sports, not so much. Individual sports and physical endeavors where I can really push myself - yes.

I'm not feeling too well today. tired and sore. Yet I have so much physical energy lately. And mentally/emotionally I'm feeling good. Not complaining. But need to rest up and take it a bit easy if I can, which is sometimes difficult to do, and let this pass. Had a nap today after work and am going to try and get the extra sleep where I can. A wicked cold and flus are going around too - I really want to avoid catching any of that.

Just trying to treat myself well, treat others well, and stay focused on what's important.

Well I hurt myself, pushing myself physically again. sigh. Yesterday, today, have been doped up to deal with the strain and because it's the thing that is going to help it and allowed me to rest. Slept a lot today. Didn't do much. Last night my bro helped me out, fed me, treated me really great. When I got home, took a pill before bed again, and sent off some crazy texts. Nothing bad, just loopy weird texts to some people. Slept and had some very vivid dreams, but not bad. Just loopy and weird and vivid.

Soon will go see some friends, they brought me Chinese, they invited me to watch some funny movies with them and just relax. Which is all I've been doing anyways.

I'm so lucky to have some really good friends. Some really good people in my life. I've had people sending well wishes, get better, offers of help, offers of company, my bf even offered to come home to take care of me. I'm lucky. I wouldn't take him up on that offer, it is way not serious enough for that!, but it sure felt good for him to ask. It made me happy.

I'm thinking it's time to stop talking about it and actually do it. Taking off time from work or things when I have to, I mean. I push too much. Some other time when I'm not feeling so loopy I'll wonder why and get to that. But for now, might actually do it and call in sick for Monday to give myself extra time to take it easy and recover.

I am really not used to taking medication at all. I am so sentitive to drugs of any sort, it's almost comical. But sometimes drugs help. They probably could have helped me in the past, but I was so damn stubborn. And to be honest, scared. Scared of different feelings and states of minds that weren't in my control. Even simple ones that most people take for granted as no big deal. But yeah. THat's why I didn't take any medications in the past when it probably would have been to my advantage ot do so.!!

I just want to be happy and have a decent life. Even though I feel like crap right now physically, I'm pretty upbeat and happy. I don't feel panicked about this, which is a new thing, usually something even as small as this and my body could turn me into a mess of a little baby. I'll take care of it, and I'll take care of me, and I'll let others love me and care for me appropriately. It's ok. And I'll be ok.

I am really happy to be at this place right now. I think things are only going to get better from here on out. Something has clicked. Something deep inside, something about my worth. And my lovable-ity. (?) I am worth while. I am lovable. I am not the negative stuff I have lived nor the negative stuff i had internalized and struggled with all these years.

And I met a new friend a few weeks ago who I really like. In our "friendship courtship", there was no games, it's been so easy to start to get to know her and it's been a lot of fun spending time with her. Not only fun, but meaningful. So that is another good thing going on in my life.

Also, my relationship with my mom has grown stronger. It's been very sweet and loving, and kind, in this last while. I am really enjoying having her in my life and being part of hers. Talking to her regularly, and she calls me every sunday now. I look forward to those calls, I realized, I look forward to being with her. She even called to ask how I was, hearing that I hurt myself, and that meant a lot to me.

Hard to tell you all how much all this means to me. The little things, that constitute life.

Yo girl what did you do to yourself?!

I hope you feel better soon!

Thanks! Akh, just strained some muscles in my shoulder/back. It hurts, but it'll get better, so long as I take care of it now. Hurt this spot years ago lifting a lady, and didn't take care of it properly then. SO. Like I'm told, I just need to stop being 'such a goon' lol and be more careful about when to back off with pushing my limits. I'm a 6 f 250 pound man trapped in a 5'2 woman's body! haha. Well as far as my spirit goes strength wise anyways. Goof ball, I am.

Thanks! Akh, just strained some muscles in my shoulder/back. It hurts, but it'll get better, so long as I take care of it now. Hurt this spot years ago lifting a lady, and didn't take care of it properly then. SO. Like I'm told, I just need to stop being 'such a goon' lol and be more careful about when to back off with pushing my limits. I'm a 6 f 250 pound man trapped in a 5'2 woman's body! haha. Well as far as my spirit goes strength wise anyways. Goof ball, I am.

Hahah yeah I gotcha! I have/had giant syndrome too. I have lots of old injuries that hurt like a B. I have taken out both my shoulders now. And tore muscles down my back. Four whiplash injuries and an old dislocated knee. I am a hutin ole lady some days. Can not wait to be older.