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Thread: New Journal

  1. #81
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *having trouble falling asleep. grrrrrrr. I'm starting to get used to regular people hours. Not this crazy getting up half the time when the rest of the world sleeps.

  2. #82
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Be Warned! This song may make you puke..but I had it stuck in my head all day...after seeing a thread about smoking!

    [video=youtube;4TV_128Fz2g] ]

    *2012 I was a stumblin', almost completely smoke free, but errm not exactly. Off to a great new year, no smoking!, feel great, and feel great about it, but it doesn't hurt to remember "it's just a cigarette".

    *I'm tired from getting such a crappy sleep last night. to have a nap, or to stay awake?! hmm..

  3. #83
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *found out there is a candy factory right near my work that I didn't even know about! Nobody in the neighborhood really knows about! It looks exactly like an old abandoned building. Shady enough looking even that I thought it might be some sort of flop house. See some people rarely go in, people almost never coming out?! Have stood there taking pictures, even have some very awesome pics of the building itself, and no one ever bothered me or came in or out. Anyways, met a few of the workers finally and asked 'what is this place?!". Well, it's a candy factory! Huuuuuhhh. Wondered why a few days there very early in the night/morning it smelled like maple syrup...a great big pancake breakfast wafting almost. And yay, now have another candy connection. The neighborhood is a strange place of goings on that even locals don't know what all is going on. They don't sell it - they ship it in case lots only. And it's not open to the public. Amongst this place and the little coffee house (literally, a house!) that roasts beans and will make blends for you, amazing! So that was fun. Getting a taste inside the caramel house today.

    *School! Yaaah! In another life, I would have been a professional student. lol. But I didn't want to be a bum! I love school though. I love learning new things, and academics comes super naturally to me. Poo poo that I chose to be working class. Not for the rest of my life, suckas! Working my tail off now and no one will ever be able to say I never earned what I've gotten - I've earned everything. Every little drop that has come to me. And will not be that woman at 60 working because she has no choice. She has no choice. Or that woman who married, and woo, all of a sudden she has a better standard of living. I do think less of these women (and men). The boss' wife walks in with a fur coat and getting 30 K in dental work, lives a gorgeous house, trips, education for her kids. Hasn't worked a day in her life. "oh but she works hard at home." I don't care. We all work hard at home! Sorry but I don't think being a 'home maker and wife and mother' counts. Good for you, but if you choose to get married - isn't it a given that you should try to be a good wife? And if you choose to have kids - isn't it a given that you should strive to be a good parent? How does that exempt oneself from pulling ones own weight financially? As a citizen and provider? Gah?! Obviously I don't think the boss, nor anyone who gets in these arrangements is a victim. They got into it freely and get their own benefits out of it. Like he gets to crack jokes about his wife nagging at him, and he gets to crap jokes about having to stay late at work, and he gets to feel like a big man. lol. But seriously. I don't want to nor will I ever be one of those women. And I'm not picking on people who stay home to raise their kids - provided they don't see it as their free pass. Someone can just as easily be a moocher and be working, going to school. Lots of moochers in the world looking for a free ride! It's just that particular paradigm of men-women that irks me : women want money, men want tail and someone to raise his kids. Barf.

    *I'm going to work even harder, in a better way. I judge myself for being lazy sometimes. Perhaps a tiny bit of it is taht part of me that is a hard ass and is too judgy, perhaps most of it though is genuinely knowing I can do better. I know I can.

    *Relationships...bring the better me to the table more often and I won't have to fret and analyze so much. Won't 'have to' is less the case, more like, won't feel some pull and satisfaction to do it.

    that's enough for today. some ranting, not all of it worthwhile, but gets some of it out to be used and refined at least..refined...sometimes I feel quite coarse...a diamond in the rough....only trying to bring out the sparkle...unearth it...yay.

  4. #84
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    KA BOOM!!

    Pay attention. Listen when somebody speaks. Watch when people act. Pay attention. What is the cost here? What is the cost of not paying now, and walking around in oblivion?

    What I put in, what I take out. What I give, what I receive.

    Less convincing, more listening.

    Less reaction, more action.

    Less enduring, more creating.

    What are you worth? What do you deserve?

    Less conserving, more investing.

    Less defending, more advancing.

    Less fighting, more accepting.

    Pay attention and celebrate. Cherish what you've got.

    Less mourning, more embracing.

  5.  

  6. #85
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    I'm letting go of the thoughts that do not make me strong.

    There was huge potential for me to be very upset yesterday. I feel like I won a victory with a choice. A choice - instead of my habitual squirming, my habitual default to running over how to express how and why it upset me, why it's wrong, why it's NOT ACCEPTABLE - I forced myself to try embracing it.

    What happened? I found it was possible to find a bit of happiness in it. To find a moment of joy and even spread some joy, in a cauldron of discomfort and confusion.

    Letting go...maybe it's not some one big moment...but a gradual shift....I don't have to drop the coconut all at once. First I can let my fingers loosen just a little bit...experiment with how that feels...what changes...what it would be like to put it down....bury it...eat it...any number of things...

    Not only hold it dear or chuck it!

    It's alright to play a little. To not get it just right on the first go.

    Oh I love you coconut! Oh I hate you coconut! Oh coconut!! You are not a magical coconut.

    I want to hold your hand....

    [video=youtube;D92Lyxj7U7Q] ]

  7. #86
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    KA BOOM!!

    Pay attention. Listen when somebody speaks. Watch when people act. Pay attention. What is the cost here? What is the cost of not paying now, and walking around in oblivion?

    What I put in, what I take out. What I give, what I receive.

    Less convincing, more listening.

    Less reaction, more action.

    Less enduring, more creating.

    What are you worth? What do you deserve?

    Less conserving, more investing.

    Less defending, more advancing.

    Less fighting, more accepting.

    Pay attention and celebrate. Cherish what you've got.

    Less mourning, more embracing.
    ************


  8. #87
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Yayy! Handled a delicate situation like a champ! Even with grace. Grace?! Old ham handed IAG handled something with grace?! Yeah, I did! Yeah, I did!

    Distancing oneself without violence.Without loud protests and indignation. Without resignation. Without feeling like it is a defeat. Without tears. With discomfort but very little pain. And how much of that discomfort is the discomfort of being outside my comfort zone?!

    Violence. A reoccurring theme in my life. There is the obvious forms of violence. There are the more subtle forms of violence.

  9. #88
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *there's a lot on my mind tonight. today. sundays have a way of being that way. maybe because it is my day to be lazy. be a homebody and cap the week. regardless. it's things I carry around with me and make their big reveals. hey listen to me! i'm trying to tell you something!

    *my birthday is in a few months. i feel a little nervous about this one. something about hitting closer to the middle of thirties scares me. next you blink and you are 40. which doesn't seem so awful in itself but it makes you think. no matter what a person does, you can't change age. it's totally out of your control. maybe that is what is scary. i feel like i should be more put together at this age, too, and that has weighed on me for years. but being a full adult now, the realities of it are different. it's not something looming in the future that is like a sort of dread. a panic or anxiety, to do such and such or be such and such. it's more like, now, trying to come to terms completely. with what has gotten me here, where i am, and where i am going. and is it an alright life? is it worthy? what about regret: past ones, present ones, ones I am deciding now to either create for the future or choose another way. I don't know. I do know i am not as 'cool' with this particular time as usual. I know i am changing, i know things are changing, i'm still not sure about how i orient to all that and how i feel about it. i'd rather be ok with it and embrace it than the alternative. i'll find a way. I've been thinking a lot about age(s) and aging and not in a particularly bad way, just thinking and absorbing what people are doing and telling me. it's interesting. it's not the first time nor the last for me, and same goes for other people. we all go through our own things. one of the most 'put together' and generally awesome/responsible/smart/stable people I know is going through his own version as 40 peeks in on his consciousness. it's weird watching it, hearing it, but what do I expect? he is human too with his own particular insecurities and struggles.

    *on the subject of age, when I read that Stomping Tom died I was sincerely sad to hear that. A convo started about him and you know what? His admission of knowing he was going to die, he "was done, had his fill", other people found that sad but I found that beautiful. He lived to a ripe old age, lived his life the way he loved, and confronted Old Man Death with a shake of the hand. There is something so dignified and beautiful about that. Reminded me too of when my step dad passed. his death was less 'natural' and less in old age, a battle with cancer, but he approached it with a shake of the hand. God I was so lucky to have him in my life too! He set a bar about dying that I had never encountered before: all the death I had known before had been so violent. Sudden. Unwanted, inconsolable, inexplicable to my mind. My friend said "yeah I guess when you put it that way, what better way is there to go? we all gotta die." Yeah we do. And isn't a gift if you allowed to somewhat set the terms - "I've had my fill now, I'm old, bye my friends, my love, my world".

    *change is unsettling to me, and doesn't that make me simply like everyone else? there are all kinds of imaginative ways to fight change. to fight life. some are conscious decisions, some are not. but i want to LIVE. I want to 'get my fill'. I want to feel and look back later and go "heh that was awesome! this is awesome! you guys are awesome and this has meant a lot to me. thanks for everything! you are the best!" . Am I doing that?!

    *sometimes so many things seem to happen at once, so much changes at once, it's hard to keep up. to keep a pace, to set a tone, to make anything but nasty noise out of it. can't be in harmony all the time. no. and there's nothing wrong with some harder nastier music sometimes. i just don't believe it is a place to stay, a place to live. it has no home. it is not a home. at least not for me. somebody is trying to make a home out of wind. what will the results be? I can guess, theorize, hypothesize, and predict. But still, got to watch and see. some people think that home is me. do i keep a crowded house? I tried hard, and succeeded too well, at keeping a minimal home. Yet still the winds blew through, and that made me very sad and upset. I've had periods where, the house was very crowded indeed, and sometimes snuggly and warm with one. One only and that was good for a while. Probably, my favorite. People work hard every day to try and sustain that kind of home. And sometimes they succeed, if for a time, or if not completely. Sometimes it is very good. I like that - someone to keep going back to, again and again. Maybe I'll get lucky and have that again.

    *Ginger tea with honey. In a very classic white hotel cup and saucer. I had gone to this big blowout and bought: hotel wares all in pristine white. Lots and lots of soft soft big white towels. The whole sets. White drinking ware and soup spoons. Always seem to be drawn to things associated with places that are not conventionally homes, but have felt like it to me. Staying in a hotel was a moment of peace and security. It had a purity. So much eating and drinking from the communal pots. It lost its allure. It lost something, came to be associated to me with disappearing. Getting a coffee even from an industrial machine seemed more personal, special. the mind is very clever, it spins its own truths of things, infuses its own meanings.

    *yup, we are very different. I was wondering on men and always seeming to go for the politically charged ones, just so strong in one direction. Idealists. And we never agree on all the important things. But I wouldn't mind if we did. I think I am attracted not to the message itself, but that drive. That drive to make a change happen. To assert a world view. To stand up and be counted. I'm just going to think about that for a while. And what does it mean moving forward.

  10. #89
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *met this little girl who looked a lot like me as a kid today. Even her mother pointed it out "holy crow, there is a resemblance!?" . Felt this big rush of gushing motherly feeling. Shhhhh, don't tell anybody. Though how obvious can it get? Yeah I'm human and sometimes I think of what it would be like to have kids. Lately, a lot. I hate being a cliche. lol. It's not like I feel like my life needs to be completed by being a mother. But I haven't been spending enough time lately with the kids - I miss my times with the kids. Kids do bring a certain something to life. So I'll just do that and explore this a little more. Just that little girl sparked something for me - she even displayed personality traits like me. Stubborn, hilarious, physical little girl. And in the next minute, huge smiles and so friendly. It made me think too of my own mom. How hard it must have been for her, being the type of person she is, having a kid like me! lol. A kid like me would have been a handful...and it doesn't let up. Always asserting oneself and changing. And my mom is a very gentle soul...rough on the outside at times..but she's gentle. And thrives best with things kept light and happy and fun - too much intensity wears her right out quick, sends her reeeling. Anyways, it would have been quite a test of her raising me...one thing I am lucky for...she loved me. Honestly did and does. Another thing I am lucky for, to have her actually a part of my life now, sober and the two of us engaging as adults...it's a frigging blessing. Sometimes life does turn out on the sweeter side, even when it starts a bit rougher.

    The little girl..climbed right up on my lap after not much time together...her mom was pretty surprised...said that's not very usual...instant pals. Just felt a connection with this kid. Very cool encounter and time.

    My day was pretty awesome overall. Even without my usual coffee (didnt even miss it today, forgot to miss it). And even without everything going perfectly. Just a good day. Yay for that. And it's not over yet. Gotta love those days where you are just happy for more to come.

  11. #90
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *there is so much going on in the world, so many big changes. Can't believe it. Everything as an angsty teenager that we were talking about, and how it would be our generations' time to deal with these issues, is coming to a head and here to be dealt with and lived with. hehe. Exciting, yes?!

    *big land settlements going down, hearing more about it today. interesting, interesting. everyone is so charged up.
    Here is a new one "Want to get together and two Métis will make a Treaty?" arggghh hahaha. groannnnn.

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