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Thread: New Journal

  1. #41
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Several very good and smooth days. And then this afternoon it became very messy, very quickly.

    I'm super tired, and a build up of stress peaked this afternoon in a way that hasn't happened in a quite a long while. Anxiety.

    Just want to note this for myself for future reference and preventive measures. See how I feel tomorrow.

  2. #42
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    So I'll come here to make a mention about the concept of healthy and unhealthy control that I have been working with lately. Proud of myself today. Took things in stride, watched, observed. Felt much calmer than usual. It's all in the mind.

    Thought came to me that there is enormous potential here in me for great new growth, and strength that is latent and being wasted, and if I can harness it ...I think I can. I am doing it.

    Seemed like a miracle. Two days now, drama to blast off the roof at work. Normally, what would have happened? I'd have been a cauldron of little rages and distress and like a pot boiling til it eventually boiled over. Instead. Nipping it as it comes up. Watch it, observe. Detach a little. Try to understand, not jump on it right away.

    It's distress which causes these automatic reactions. Flail out, attack, beat it down. My defenses - aggressive. My fighting style - dog fight. Face to face, emotional, unintelligent. Fighting for a sandwich guy.

    Take a step back. Not only is this a weakness, it's a factor in conditioned isolation.

    Humans are like animals. Am I ready? To no longer act like that traumatized ape? to fully accept and integrate again. To no longer take the stance, automatically, of the one who takes themselves out of the group, dis identified with it, afraid of it and the potential for violence?!

    Yes. Yes, I think and feel I am.

  3. #43
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Had such a wonderful evening last night. So nice!

    In between work and getting home for my nap tho, had about a ten minute mini "angry at the way the world is" experience. Was able to control myself and not do anything too stupid. Chalked it up to being wiped and needing that nap bad. I was right! lol. It was just really strange to be feeling so good and what triggered it was going and seeing a stolen vehicle was blocking my usual traffic route (main artery) and these buggers had actually managed somehow to rip an entire pedestrian crossing structure right out of the frozen ground! The auto thefts and crime in this city is still so bad. Coppers were nice though, and that helped a lot.

    Also, sent a text to someone telling them off for some behavior while in this 'drunk' state, and that was the stupid part. Didn't say anything mean, wasn't a jerk, but did finally put into words exactly how that behavior makes me feel.

    Wondered even as I was doing it, if I was projecting my view of the situation and feelings onto this person, and I'm pretty sure I did. I still find the behavior unacceptable, however, the viewpoints here are so divergent and they aren't "lying" about it. They simply see it differently, even if things were reversed. I know this is true. If I did it, they would have been ok with it. Exactly. But I would never do it, hence, took it more personal than it was and gave it my own coloring.

  4. #44
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;bfqEisOIMJc] ]

    This song always reminds me of my friend. Don't know why it came up on my Youtube search for something else, but it did. It's been a long time since a song made me cry out of the blue.

    I still miss you. Why dp you take the hard road? Why don't you believe and see what I saw? Never forget, someone loved you. ME! Been a long time since I thought of you.

  5.  

  6. #45
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    Sounds like a sad story..

    This song is one of my all time favourites, reminds me of my first flight abroad and learning to play the guitar.

  7. #46
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    ^

    It's a sad story of a friend who let all the bad things she had been told about herself become her truth. It's odd, it's been a really long time since I thought of her, only hear a few things here and there, and it always makes me sad. What's odd is, mostly it feels like she has passed away. That sounds so awful. But that was how I felt after moving in opposite directions. I probably would not recognize her, she is a different person from the one who I cared about now.

    I like your association better. Much happier. Great song, nonetheless.

  8. #47
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    Shame, it sounds very sad. I guess it would feel like she passed away if she changed that much, it can be hard for people to have the courage of their conviction at a young age.

  9. #48
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by quirky
    Shame, it sounds very sad. I guess it would feel like she passed away if she changed that much, it can be hard for people to have the courage of their conviction at a young age.
    This really struck me for some reason. That is the one thing I have never had a problem with - having the courage of my convictions. lol. It's a double edged sword.

  10. #49
    Gold Member LikeWater's Avatar
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    Ah, Tracy Chapman. Been a long time fan of hers and Fast Car is one of my favorites. Powerful song, for sure.

  11. #50
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by itsallgrand
    This really struck me for some reason. That is the one thing I have never had a problem with - having the courage of my convictions. lol. It's a double edged sword.

    It struck you cos it's powerful ! !

    Same here..whatever I believed in (arrogantly too) I believed it and would defend it with all my heart and soul ! And get to trouble because of it and dismiss people over it and mess my life over it but always feel true to myself because I didn't follow someone else's sh**, I followed my own hee hee..

    I have mellowed down so much nowadays but I still have a thing about injustice for example, I can never let it drop.

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