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Thread: New Journal

  1. #21
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *Witnessed a bad accident this early morning on my way to work. Well not the accident as it was happening, right after the fact. Bad stuff, man, bad stuff. Car upside down and squashed to hell. Man , young man, crouched on pavement puking up a weeks worth and more. Somebody inside there too. Cops pull in. Paramedics next. Then the fire men. Bad stuff. And I'm feeling bad today. Shut up. Bad thoughts.

    *What to do, what to do? Don't know how to treat myself right now. How to take care of myself. ? Haven't felt this bad in a while. And I made myself something to eat. And I'm going to try and sleep. ANd I've paid all my bills and done all I was supposed to do today. And now. The heat outside. And not wanting to be in, not wanting to be out. Not wanting to be alone - boring, bad feelings - and not wanting to be with anyone either - sad, heavy feelings and this sense that I should still not put too much on any one. You know you never can put too much on people. Not that they won't bear it sometimes. And not that they don't care. But it's just not good. And it doesn't do the job either.

    So. I'm going to do something relatively mindless and calming. Take care of my plants. Maybe go through a few things. Do some laundry. Maybe have a cold shower.

    Ugh.

  2. #22
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;4dOsbsuhYGQ] ]

    *Had a great convo with a friend of mine yesterday and suddenly he made a whole lot of sense. Why he lives the way he does, the things he does. And this guy always makes me feel like I am at home, like the world is a simple place and why do I worry so much? On a different note though, when I was with him, I was thinking how all these debates (here, specifically) I've read about if men and women can just be friends have any merit. I've always thought, well of course they can. And part of the reason is because of this one friend. It's not even a gender thing, because with us, it's as though sexuality doesn't even exist except 'out there' with other people. It genuinely is something that we don't even have to address, it's not even a whisper of a doubt, and it goes both ways. Known him forever, been there for a lot of hard times and good times, given each other comfort...And it's a great thing, you know. I like seeing him with his girlfriend, but it's also strange. What are you doing? You do that? lol. Well you know what I mean...or maybe not. lol.

    *This same note has been vibrating the last few days. Take a lot of cabs, and sometimes they like to gab. Well this one cab driver was going on to me about how much he loves Canada, he is a Canadian now (love that, his take it by the balls all the way attitude btw), and how when he was in his home country, how this simple conversation between the two of us wouldn't have happened without someone thinking there was some romantic or sexual motivation behind it. That men and women can't be friends - it's bf/gf, lovers, potential marriage partners, hub/wife, a relative, or nothing. Bad intent is how he described it, people always suspicious. I found that so interesting. The whole convo was very interesting actually, not that I hadn't had one similar to it before, but I guess the vibe he gave off about all the things we were talking about the two different worlds he has lived in. About how much he loves that here he feels free to just tell it straight, and do what is genuine for him. And that made me think after wards....

    *about my own situation(s). Sometimes lately I find myself contemplating various ways this could turn out. And then I get bored! lol. Look, I'm getting kinda older, but I don't care?! lol. It's not like I am in denial : things change, people's situations change, babies and marriages come into the mix. But me? I'm getting a lot closer to exactly what I want. Sharing with people, expanding what I am doing with my potential. Loving, giving, experiencing. And I'm feeling...that I have been more right all along than I gave myself permission to understand so deeply. That maybe, a marriage home kids is not ever going to be the place for me. If it is, then it'll take me by surprise now. lol. BUT, someone to share my life with....now that is something sweet that I wouldn't kick out! til then....

    I am so glad to be alive and kickin'.

  3. #23
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *It's funny what people remember. Something that stands out so clear in their mind, can be something that for you ...you don't remember, or have to really search to find. And then, something can be so poignant for you, and yet to someone else, they can't remember or really have to search. Or sometimes one of you remembers something very different than the other.
    AND something that was so meaningful to you, may not be to someone else. And the other way around.

    *It's also strange how there is this tendency to have difficulty trusting someone who you do not understand. It may not be from a lack of trying, but for the life of you, even if you can understand it intellectually, it's hard to trust that is how it is for them. And the other way around. It's also a frustrating experience, trying to understand someone all the time.

    *What I need. To really trust someone, and be trusted. To really understand, and be understood. To have these things not be needless difficult, or something like I feel I need to fight for all the time. To compliment each other, and each others lifestyles.

    What I don't need. To try and fit any thing that does not belong. To hold on to someone, or hopes, when there are many of the elements there that are important, but not all the big ones. When there are glaring incompatibilities, and just because there are some really great things about being with that person (in the various forms that can take), to try and make it something that it isn't.

    *Did I mention, it sometimes sucks coming to a conclusion. But I was starting to hurt.

    Bedtime. I hope I can sleep. And I suddenly want a different job.

  4. #24
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *Will you remember people who saw those parts of you that are so precious and sometimes you forget?

    *There are all these dormant parts of myself simply waiting for me to wake them up and let them out. Well it's time for that. Don't make it harder than it needs to be.


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  6. #25
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    link removed

    Lol, the "too comfortable phase".

  7. #26
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *Lots on my mind lately. All the things I feel I gotta do, need to do. All the things I wanna do. Also, worrying sometimes about health. My health, other people's health. Concerns over time. How I spend my time, time passing so fast. Before you know it we will be wearing sweaters. Want to take maximum advantage of it all while I can. Trying.

    *Thought about him a lot today. Yeah, I'm already missing him. Yeah, I'll be alright. And yeah, even though he is only a phone call away. Still, it's good to know at the very least, I can still feel. I can feel and not put on the brakes now every two miles. lol. But with that is dealing with that, as it comes, and as it goes. And with that too is increased awareness, in a new way, of how fast things change. And it doesn't matter if you try to stop it or stall it or not. It happens. So what will my experience of it be? That is up to me.

  8. #27
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;eQ85-W-nirE] ]

    *I'm actually not in a sad mood at all, but this song appeals to me tonight.

    *"Sometimes the heart wants what the heart wants."
    "Yeah well, sometimes the d/k wants, what the d/k wants."
    ....I love that quote! Makes me smirk every time I think of it!

    *Had a great day. So soothing and fed my soul. When I woke up, I was feeling in one of those moods where I knew it would probably be better to keep my thoughts and words to myself more than not. But didn't care. So it's good I took some positive action to get a grip on that. Otherwise it would be extra damage control later on.

  9. #28
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *I don't usually drink much at all. A glass of wine or something here or there, with a meal, or a few drinks. And yeah tonight I had a few drinks. A few drinks is more than enough and my brain and tongue is looser than usual. And I feel all dopey though not in a bad way, knocked out and ready for bed right after this. BUT a few things tumbling around in my brain and time to get it out.

    *Is it possible that it has taken me this long to heal? To really heal. Not only from love lost, but the whole lot of it. Lives lost, potentials lost, possible filling of certain dreams and certain realities not only for me but for others, lost. Sometimes I am really taken aback by this whole thing: my life. Oh yeah and in this last while too finally getting back all those tests results and seeing what is up with my body. I am fine, which means a whole lot, but guess what else?! My brain, my body, is still experiencing after shocks. That is probably what happened this last winter. My brain, my body, physically, recovering and going wild from long remembered things. From long periods of all that stress, that shock, that nervousness and hypervigilance. My brain, my body. I don't quite know how I all feel about this yet. Relieved? Yes. In awe of it too, and feeling sorry for myself? Ok a little. Not sorry as in boo hoo let's throw a pity party. Abut sorry as in, jesus that is intense poor girl. It's not imaginary, it never was, and you sure weren't over dramatizing. You sure had your reasons, and you sure didn't really understand all that you were going through: I mean, how could you though? How could you? And how could you have expected so much of yourself all the time? You were just so damn hard on yourself. All the time. If you had only known, if you had, if if, but if you had, you would have dealt with it differently maybe? Well maybe yes, but it still would have been hard. Damn hard, frustrating, and life changing. So, go easy. Go easy. On the expectations. Of yourself. Of others.

    *ANd you know what this is a rare chance. A rare point in my life. And how things are lining up. Where others are at, the possibilities. So what are you going to do about it? It feels like the beginning of a life. A beginning, it's something different. And in very fundamental ways, I feel different. Like a changed person. That rancor, that hate, that anger, where is it? Where is it? It's just not in my soul anymore, it's not in my muscles. It's not in my heart. It's reverberated somewhere, out , out there, out of me. No longer such a part of me. I look, and I want to hold, and I want to understand, and I want to savour every last drop. Of the good stuff, of love, of experience, of possibility. Of you. And knowing, the chance may never come again. And if it ever did, it would be different again. Always different. And I'd be different too.

    *I know, I know deep inside me, this one chapter is drawing to a close, another is opening. By the time autumn is here,, it'll be something else again. And, I can feel myself letting go, letting go to something, and just, having this willingness to truly love someone again. And, simply be happy.

  10. #29
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;VHoT4N43jK8] ]

    *I've had a lot of fun these last couple days. Days off! So so nice. Yeah, I gotta do this more often! So good to get out of the same old, same old too. To get away sometimes. I want that to be more often. I feel more human again. Even..some creativity sloshing around. . .Just need to make some room...on that note..

    *Yeah it's interesting considering and looking at it, floating around in my little brain, the pieces and the possibilities, considering different ways to go, and yet none of them spark that thing inside of me, it doesn't spark that thing inside of me, not like being able to do what i am doing now, and then, you know you have to keep doing something different, you know you have to keep trying, but it's funny isn't it?! The difference of accepting what you want to be, and what you are, and what you think you should want and need, and what you really want and need.

    *I still need a bit more fun right now. Ok? Ok. Just for a couple days. Then I'll know what next. Maybe. At least part way.....lol.

  11. #30
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *New Journal. Hey yeah, apparently this new thing in my life includes my drinking a whole lot more than is normal for me. No problem to suck back mojitos or beers, wine, even though this is foreign and strange to me since say s/t my early twenties. Something is obviously wrong here. Id on't feel sad, but it's not like me to drink. And it's not like me to like it.

    *It's just this wanting to break old things out of their places. See things differently. Bust through old crappy rememberances and ideas about things, and be something more. But no matter a few drinks in, even dipping way in, I still remember that drinking is fricking stupid and not me.

    *Had some good convos, had some good times, had some moments standing and trying to remember what I was gonna do. What the point of it was. Oh yeah then a friend of mine says "it's not work for something, it's coping, coping, and more coping." Disillusioned much?@ lol. No s/t. But it's more than that too. Life, and all of it. Whatever happens. There is more to it than that. And if iti ever comes to me believing it's just coping, coping, and more coping...hell, that's bad. That it hasn't come to that and I don't think it ever will, and if it does, I'm out, well , what does that say? There is so much morei n me yet.

    *About love. F/k you. I mean that. F/k you. This idea of love we are taught. I was taught. This idea that, somehow lovei sthe answer and love ist he right. Lovei s beautiful and rich and great - but it ain't all that. It ain't life. Once I reached for love and now I reach for life. Yes. Makes sense.

    *F/k anything and anyone who isn't with me all the way. You, it , can be beautiful...but f/k you. there is more yet.

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