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Thread: New Journal

  1. #11
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Hey quirky! Looks like you stumbled into my cave. lol. The song is about basically being bombarded with outside stuff: media, worldviews, garbage. For me it's kinda a song that pops into my head when I'm feeling in the mood of shaking off old influences. I could probably find a translation if you want. Tryo is an older band, have been around for a while, shouldn't be hard to find them

    You live with 3 people: roommates? Have you ever lived alone? Yeah, I love it...it's my sanctuary. I've gone through all kinds of living arrangements - right now this is just right for me. And I love my place.

  2. #12
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    I went to Google translate and read the lyrics and bought the track from iTunes, thanks for posting it
    Yes I live with roomates. I don't really make good money, can't afford to live on my own. I have lived with family, friend, bf or just roomates. One day though..lol

    You earned it, glad you enjoy it !

  3. #13
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *I've been avoiding answering a bunch of texts. Went golfing yesterday and didn't check my phone til later, and there were all these messages. And these people even knew I was going out, so really?

    *Today, I dunno. There is always things to do. But for today I don't really feel like doing much of anything. Except maybe getting a swim in, get some cooking done, being lazy. My mind is pretty blank today.

    *So yesterday morning I scrapped this girl off a bench who was so out of it I actually wanted to make sure she was breathing. I think that kinda affected me. Moreso that so many people walked by, looked, and just kept on walking. She was maybe 14 and so skinny. Not little skinny, but haven't been eating properly for a long while skinny. Her shirt barely covered her breasts, and her jeans were skin tight and out of style by a long while and ripped. When I finally got her to come to for a little bit her eyes were so spacey she didn't see me. It didn't kick in til this morning, I was thinking about her again. First off, having been seeing this other 14 year old girl lately who is chubbed with life and told me how it was sooo hard having to get up in the morning to do a little bit of work. A girl who has a nice family, never has had to think about money, basically is so innocent and naive - even for her age - and she is a nice girl, but the contrast lately, the contrast! I have been remembering and talking to someone lately about my childhood, and being around that age, and my life was so crazy at that time. It's kinda strange talking about it now, as though it was another life time, and in a way it was, and I am amazed what that kid went through and did (me). And I'm proud of her now. She did above and beyond what I would expect of a kid that age going through that. She did her best and more. She gave.
    So yes, that girl on the bench yesterday .....it hurts...she could be my sister...anyone's sister....daughter. Don't know her story, but something happened to turn a little girl to sniffing solvent and scrawny and passed out on benches....and I can't just leave her there.

  4. #14
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;apM6-nHHF9U] ]

    *I really love where I am at right now, but sometimes I do feel sad that it took so long to get here. Everything is so easy, even when it's not. It's as though it is all being laid at my feet. And now I don't need any of it nearly so much.

    *So what next? Who knows. I know hearing all the things I wanted and needed to hear for a long time, affected me differently than I thought it would. I was strong. Not machisma strong, actually strong from the inside out. No struggle. The interest wasn't even so much on me - which for such a self absorbed person so much of the time was truly stunning - it was on understanding what was happening and him. And fine, I don't know it all. But for a moment or two it did feel like sadness. And it's been a long time since a man has cried in my arms.

    *Withholding was the wrong approach to life. I can walk right through. It's fine. There are so many choices every step of the way. I'm going to do what is right for me.

  5.  

  6. #15
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *What a day!! Absolutely exhausted, but not in a bad way. 12 hrs of work, and then a few hours of time with this girl who I found laying on the ground. Wake up, wake up, are you ok?! Ok am I actively picking up "strays" now? Omg what is up with me?? What is up with this city??

    *I need that vacation time and the sooner the better. I'm seeing a lot of travel in my future. Nothing crazy, just exploring a lot more. Getting out of this groove and remembering constantly how this is but one little corner of the universe, and these people who I interact with so much, as important all this is and is to them naturally, it is their lives, it is but one tiny part of it too.

    *Number three about this same thing: he was right. I can't be some one woman crusade and it's intensifying lately and when I do that, it ends up draining me out and isn't good for me. And he mentioned too a certain hardness that has been coming over me lately in my eyes, and it's from being aware all the time and yess hard. Not in a false way at all, which is different from years ago, but in true sense. I"ve learned how to operate in these situations really well, and there is some value to that, but I won't be fooling myself this round that it doesn't affect me and change me. And I don't want to change to too much hardness, which is exactly what will happen if I don't keep myself actively engaged as well in light things. And take time at least every day to forget all troubles and cares, simply enjoy. That is the whole point of all of it anyways, isn't it, to help others to have an opportunity to do that, and yet to deny myself? That would be ridiculous and also, a lot of it is habit. I'm working out of it but it kicks into gear of its own accord sometimes.

    *So there will be sleep tonight but also right now I'm smelling my pizza cooking mm mm, something I haven't had in ages, and going to take the time to have some company tonight. Good, lovely, wholesome company. Looking forward to it actually .

  7. #16
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;W3KQyf3EdRg] ]

    *work! Worka worka worka like a crazy this week. Now a pause. Ahhhh.

    *Saw the doc. Had to NOT EAT - fast - for 12 hours. Ok that isn't so long. But I realized that I eat A LOT, constantly actually. By the time the appointment was over, I was thinking "food food food" and felt starved like I hadn't eaten for a week! lol. Mmm food....

    *By the way, this doctor is still winning me over. He was great today, I really like him as a doctor. He is so efficient and yet kind, just a real professional. It's a huge weight off my shoulders. He has gotten more done in a few weeks than Mr. Clinical Director got done in a year. Sick! Mr. Clinical Director should have just told me a long time ago he doesn't have time for me anymore...but eh....like any relationship, some guys just suck at breaking up. lol. It's over now! And thank god. He was/is a good doc, but waaaay too ambitious and career-focused. Not enough people focus.

    *And great, cause if all goes well now, maybe I put this winter behind me and get back into a much more athletic focus...not worry about this that and the other...I am extremely grateful today and pretty much every day I wake up feeling good and healthy....it's so fleeting...and in one swoop, it can be taken!...but somehow, with disease death and all that happens to us people on earth....we gotta be able to navigate in the sunshine too....that sweet spot...not straddled by death and worry, not consumed either by trying to avoid it or deny it, just living with what we got and enjoying what good we can find in it...I'm trying!

    *Today is a good day really....to be out on the streets...and under the trees...and soaking it all in...and so yah! I can actually do that today. wherever and whatever I feel like, with whoever I feel like ....got some ideas!

  8. #17
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    *I'm a bit upset. Why'd he have to tell me so much? Why does he insist on being so non judgmental? It may sound ridiculous, but here it goes...I'm going to judge, and I'm going to expect some judgment, and I don't think this is so bad. I'm not talking judging to make someone feel bad for nothing. I'm not talking heavy judging. I'm talking....sometimes, oh you call this my belief....people are just wrong. People do wrong. Now I wanted to cry, but you know I couldn't because it would have been a big open arms and ready to make me feel better...and really what I wanted more than anything was to be understood...but wait, more than that....in this case, I did want agreement....and it's only because without that, I don't see how it won't change my feelings for you...and our friendship...whatever it is we have going....

    So I guess I was an ass...but I'm not ready to say sorry for it...for putting up a block...because of the depth of my belief in these certain things...what I am doing with my life, it's main purpose, things I am trying to change...no, not everything to accept and leave be...no....accept it is that way perhaps, to understand, and to do something...but DO SOMETHING...it's not "oh that's cool" for every thing...no...

    and you are right, that I don't like half your friends...and cause of this...I'm working to change these things, they are contributing to the opposite...and I can't pretend that is the same to me as someone who loves what I loves, cares about what I cares about, works side by side with me....

    the social aspect.

    But screw it! I still care about you strongly, and I'm blabbering but know that won't really change, I just think you are better than certain things you are doing...granted, by my set of standards! True, true. And I don't meet yours either, do I? Too friggin' serious sometimes, eh? God damn "Oscars".

    *Well now to make myself feel a little better...I'll get over it....Water!

    [video=youtube;1AHnQtY1bg4] ]

  9. #18
    Platinum Member quirky's Avatar
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    Everytime I check your journal I spend money, I bought that Bonobo track too ! ! !

    I like a lot of the things you write..

  10. #19
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    Sorry quirky! lol. But bonobo is awesome. I love ambient music.

  11. #20
    Platinum Member itsallgrand's Avatar
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    [video=youtube;DY6VxLjBoq8] ]

    *Very strange today. Went to bed at my usual time, got up four hours later, couldn't sleep, and ended up only getting a tiny bit more. Yet when I got up this morning and so far...lots of energy, and no crash. And I am well into my day so ok. And even though I haven't been as 'up' as I had been in the last while, actually had a good cry somewhere between my last post and now, I found myself today just naturally going out of the way for people. Looking at them, and feeling a genuine smile come over me, and wanting to make their lives a little bit easier. Just always that.

    *Ok, the term "broken" to describe human beings. I really don't like it. Whether you are talking about something inside them emotionally, psychologically, mentally, physically. I don't care. It seems so hideously inappropriate to describe a human being and any condition they may have.

    "I'm broken." Ouch. Don't say that. And don't believe it.
    "Well Ms. Iag, looks like you have been psychologically broken." Ouch. Don't say that. And don't let me believe it. That was what I believed for so long, and it was wrong. Can broke be healed, organic, changed, morphed, continue to live and grow? Well listen it's just the term that bothers me.
    "I'm feel broken." Don't say it.
    So all these walking broken people then....and you will never be broken to me. You will never be broken to me. It's not like that. And it's not wanting to change you or being in denial.

    Just so strange how many people have used this term, for so many different things...forget this idea of broken.

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